Knowledge I Didn't Know (3)
Kirsi found it hard to accept the situation. It felt incomplete. Because Caiden wouldn’t hold her or tell her he loved her, it seemed as though the matter hadn’t truly ended. But it didn’t stop there—he claimed it would never happen again for the rest of their lives. Such an abrupt change was difficult to believe.
Hugs or kisses. It wasn’t that she resented being unable to do those things themselves. Well, she was somewhat dissatisfied, but what shocked her more was the loss of the intimacy those gestures symbolized. He had said a lifetime. That it would never be permitted again. Whether in moments of joy or sorrow. Even as they grew old. A piece of daily life that had always been there was being forcibly ripped away from her. It was almost impossible to imagine. Even now, she couldn’t picture the future he described. A lifetime? When she still felt so incomplete? When she still longed for the warmth of his embrace?
In all the time she had known him, there had never been a single occasion when she hadn’t held him. Never once had she gone without pressing a kiss to his cheek. Even when she was being scolded, she would seek forgiveness by curling into his arms or through a kiss. But now he said it was over.
Was he perhaps joking? As she always did when something upset her, or when fear gripped her, Kirsi slowly lifted both arms. She moved closer, wanting to slip quietly into his embrace.
“...I told you no, Kirsi.”
Caiden’s hand stopped her in her tracks. It was as if an invisible wall had sprung up between them; he cut off all contact.
“...I smell.”
And the reason he blocked everything was that single statement. How much pain must it have caused him to say such a thing about himself?
“.....”
Kirsi didn’t want to believe any of this. The words “I smell” had first left her own lips. She had spread the rumor only because she didn’t want others wondering what it might be like to be held in his arms. She never imagined it would return to her like this.
Kirsi had never once thought he smelled bad. On the contrary, his scent was so perfectly to her taste that she could have breathed it in for a lifetime. She had never disliked it. Even when he came to her like this, fresh from sweating, it was the same. She had actually been drawn to that masculine fragrance.
The claim that he smelled had been a lie. She hadn’t wanted any of this.
“I like the way you smell, oppa… Stop joking and hold me already…”
She pleaded, but he remained unmoved.
“I’m not joking, Kirsi.”
Caiden looked her straight in the eyes as he spoke. It had been a long time since she had seen him like this. He had always eventually yielded to their whining, yet no matter what she said now, he showed no sign of wavering.
“...Come on, let’s head back. The conversation is over. Let’s go eat, alright?”
With that, Caiden turned away.
Why was he acting like this? It was as though he knew something and was behaving accordingly…
Thud.
In that instant, Kirsi felt as if the ground had fallen out from beneath her. What if. What if Caiden knew that she had spoken about him behind his back?
“...Ah…”
If he knew that she had been the one to say he smelled?
It would explain why he kept pushing her away even when she insisted it was fine. It would explain why he had looked her directly in the eyes and said, “I smell,” so plainly. It would explain why none of her usual charm or complaints could move him.
“...Aah…”
She couldn’t be certain, but the suspicion had taken root. If that were true, he would know everything—the complaints about his snoring, the claim that he wasn’t all that kind, the remark about his smell, the accusation of incompetence. None of those words had carried even a shred of sincerity.
But if he had heard them… wouldn’t it be possible for him to hate her completely, not just refuse a simple hug? Might the sense of betrayal and disappointment make him never want to see her face again?
That terrifying future was too much to bear. A future in which Caiden no longer loved her. A future in which she was no longer his first priority. She could not accept it.
The sight of his back as he walked away suddenly seemed impossibly distant. Kirsi dashed forward and blocked his path.
“...Why?”
Caiden offered a small smile. If he truly knew, the consideration behind that smile felt boundless.
She had to apologize. She had to tell him. That none of it was true. That she hadn’t meant any of it.
“...Oppa…”
But what if it was only a misunderstanding? What if he didn’t know? Apologizing might amount to confessing her own crimes. That the reason his reputation had hit rock bottom, that someone had broken into his room to torment him, had ultimately been because of her. That the hurtful words had first come from her own mouth.
If he truly didn’t know, she had no courage to watch his face fill with disappointment once he learned the truth. Besides, if he already knew, perhaps his silence on the matter until now was his own quiet wish—to avoid discussing it, to simply let it pass without comment.
So she couldn’t speak. Even after stopping him, no words would come.
“Why, Kirsi?”
“...Well…”
Kirsi swallowed hard. She racked her brain. What could soothe this anxiety? How could she convey that none of it had been sincere without mentioning the gossip itself?
“...Oppa, you know how much I truly love you, right? Really. You know I love you more than anyone else in this world, don’t you?”
Kirsi laid her whole heart bare. She spoke with more sincerity than she ever had before.
“.....”
Caiden kept his smile, eyes drifting for a moment before he answered, “...Did you?”
Normally the response would have been an immediate “Of course I do,” without the slightest hesitation. The problem was that brief silence. In that pause, it felt as though he had asked her: If you loved me so much, why did you speak about me that way?
Kirsi felt as if her heart were being carved out.
She had to handle this carefully.
“I-it’s true. I really do love you.”
Once again Kirsi spread her arms and moved toward him. If she could only be held, she was prepared to kiss him as well. She kept appealing to him, offering the greatest expression of affection she knew.
But Caiden raised a hand to stop her.
“I told you to stop that. Still… thank you for saying you love me.”
Then Caiden stepped lightly around her and continued forward.
Kirsi’s heart hammered in her chest.
****
They ate dinner with smiles. They exchanged jokes, talked about the Academy, and parted on warm terms. It seemed there would be no awkwardness when they met the next day.
But it was all because the twins were hiding their true feelings.
The fact that she could no longer hold him, that she could no longer kiss him, was staining her heart black. As expected, it wasn’t the absence of physical touch itself that hurt most—it was being unable to express the intimacy and closeness that touch represented.
Kirsi brushed a hand across her empty forehead. Normally, at a parting like this, he would have kissed her there and left her with lingering warmth. Today it felt unbearably cold.
Creak. Thud.
The twins didn’t speak a single word to each other until they entered the dormitory. They didn’t even exchange goodnights. At the moment they had no energy left to offer even simple greetings with a smile.
In silence they retreated to their separate rooms. They bit their lips, clutched at their hair, hugged themselves, whispered Caiden’s name, and spent the night unable to sleep. The future ahead terrified them both.
****
Several days passed, but just as I had declared, I neither hugged the twins nor kissed them. I was even cautious about stroking their hair. It was difficult for me as well. When they wore gloomy expressions, I wanted to pull them close. In the mornings when we met, or at night when we parted, I wanted to kiss their cheeks in greeting. I held back every urge.
And… to be completely honest, I was sulking too. It didn’t sit well with me that while I had cared for them so devotedly, they had spoken badly about me behind my back. Talking about expelling me, insulting me… It felt as though all the affection I had poured out had turned to foam.
So even though the twins now stood before me, claiming they liked me and asking for hugs, I couldn’t be certain whether they truly liked me or hated me. I continued to refuse their requests.
If they really did like me, then this was the price they had to pay. If they hated me… well, there was nothing wrong with that either. Honestly, my thoughts kept drifting toward the belief that they didn’t like me all that much. The combination of the gossip and the expulsion proposal had been that shocking.
Therefore, I didn’t believe the path I was taking was wrong. I would slowly prove my worth, remain by the Freister family’s side, and become someone helpful to the twins. At the same time, since they seemed uncomfortable around me, I would gradually create some distance and maintain a proper boundary.
I headed to the training grounds for class. Several classmates were already warming up. The influence of the Grand Council was clearly visible. A few had been thrown from their horses because of me, yet friendships had still blossomed, and the unpleasant rumors about me had begun to fade.
And among them, one person caught my eye. Judy, who had been absent from class lately, had finally appeared.
“Judy!”
I called her name in surprise. She glanced at me and gave a small wave. Up close, her skin looked dull and her eyes were shadowed. She didn’t look well at all.
I asked, “Why haven’t you been coming to class recently?”
“......I was injured.”
I had been the one to knock her from her horse, but… for some reason her answer felt like a lie. It wasn’t my place to say so after what I’d done, yet looking at her now she wore no splints and showed no signs of discomfort.
“Where were you hurt?”
I asked while looking her over. She didn’t answer, instead gazing into the distance.
“.....”
“...Judy, we promised to talk to each other if something happened, remember?”
“.....”
“Last time I told you what my siblings did to me and it helped ease the discomfort I felt. This time let me help you. Or is it really because of me?”
“......It’s not that.”
I lifted my chin and folded my arms. Watching her, the sight felt familiar. Perhaps because I had looked after my siblings for so long, I could tell there was something she didn’t want to say.
But simply saying “Oh, I see. Alright then” and walking away would only make things worse. If she wouldn’t speak, I needed to draw it out of her.
“...Stay after class. Let’s talk,” I declared.
****
Throughout the lesson Judy couldn’t focus. As I suspected, she didn’t appear injured, but she seemed dazed—much like I had been after overhearing the twins’ gossip. Since the class used wooden swords, every mistake earned bruises, and now Judy’s arms and legs were covered in them.
After everyone else had left the training grounds, I approached Judy where she sat on the floor nursing her sore body and sat down beside her. The space was wide, yet we could speak as privately as if we were the only two people in the world.
“So, what is it?”
“......”
“Even after training, you still can’t shake the mood?”
There was something refreshing about exercise clearing the mind. I had waited until after class not only because the topic needed to be postponed, but because I wanted us to speak with lighter hearts once we had worked up a sweat.
“...It’s a family matter, isn’t it?”
Judy buried her head against her knees—the first real reaction she had shown. Since I was adopted myself, I could easily guess what kind of story she found so hard to voice.
“Well… you’ve been missing since the competition, so obviously something must have happened there, right?”
“....”
Since she remained silent, I began piecing things together. The fact that she wasn’t denying any of it suggested I was on the right track.
“Then your family must have attended the competition. You wanted to look good in front of them. Am I right?”
“.....It’s not that.”
“You have an older brother, don’t you? The one in the Political Science Department. The eldest son of the Ice family.”
“.....I don’t know. I told you we aren’t close.”
“....Hmm…..”
“.......Sigh…”
Judy let out a long breath with her head still buried. Then, as if a dam had broken, the words began to spill out. I could feel how tightly she had been holding her emotions in check.
“...A letter came saying they hoped I would win.”
“...From whom?”
“.......Father.”
“.......Ah.”
That was all I needed to hear. I immediately understood why she was like this. With only a few words it was obvious that Judy Ice was an illegitimate daughter kept at arm’s length by her family, yet I knew she couldn’t help reacting this way. In the end, the family was all she had.
No matter how poorly she got along with them, no matter how much she was looked down upon as a concubine’s daughter, Judy would still crave their approval and love. It wasn’t foolishness on her part; it was simply that she had nothing else. I could understand that.
The reason I couldn’t easily abandon the twins probably stemmed from similar feelings. The Freister family had become such an inseparable part of me that it was the only connection I had been given in this world. Even if they pushed me away, I couldn’t simply be pushed aside or grow tired and leave.
Therefore, I could understand Judy.
“....I’m sorry,” I said quietly.
It was because I had taken first place that she was in this state. That didn’t mean I should have let her win, but on a human level I could at least offer an apology. It left a slightly bitter taste. After all, I had won the championship for the twins, and afterward we had only fought. Perhaps it would have been better if Judy had taken the victory.
“...Hic… ugh…”
Sudden sobs rose beside me. Judy kept her head buried in her knees and began to cry.
“What? You’re crying?”
I quickly turned to face her. I lowered my head, trying to see her face, but she hid it completely.
“Hey… don’t cry! This isn’t the last competition! You’ll have plenty more chances to prove yourself. How can you fall into despair after losing just once? Second place is still incredible, Judy!”
“Hup… huu… huuk…”
“It’s alright, really. You can win next time!”
“How can I win when you’re here…! Huuk…”
Judy suddenly burst out in resentment. I was flustered, at a complete loss. This was the first time I had seen a girl outside my siblings cry. I fumbled for words.
“Practice…! You just need to practice more. And I’ll help you. Oh, and…! It’s not as if we only ever oppose each other! There might be team competitions… In that case I’ll definitely help you, okay?”
“......Hup…”
“So stop crying. Alright?”
No matter what I said, she kept her face hidden against her knees. I thought quickly. What would I do if it were Kirsi or Asena? I imagined it was Kirsi crying now. No matter what I said, she wouldn’t listen and the tears wouldn’t stop. In that case…
“.....”
I placed my hand on Judy’s head and slowly stroked her hair. Her body flinched, then she lifted her head just enough to look at me. It seemed this really was the right answer.
“It’s okay. You can do well next time.”
Judy’s gaze lingered on me for a moment, then shifted to somewhere behind me. For some reason I felt a large shadow fall across us. I turned around.
A woman was approaching from a distance. A silver-haired beauty with no trace of a smile. It was Kirsi. As always, she had come to find me once class ended.
Her eyes were fixed on my hand. I felt an odd pressure. Only when she drew near did she speak.
“....Oppa…”
“Kirsi, when did you get here?”
She ignored my question.
“....Why are you stroking her?”
“...Huh? Ah… she was crying, so I was comforting her…”
She continued, “When I cried a few days ago… you didn’t hug me.”
“.....”
Kirsi kept coming closer. I slowly rose to my feet. She was getting far too close. At some point she had slightly raised both arms, as though preparing to embrace me.
I lifted a hand to stop her. At once Kirsi’s face grew even colder.
…Perhaps this was the face of the villainess Kirsi that the characters in the novel had witnessed.
Her eyes flicked once toward Judy Ice, then returned to my face. She bit her lip, then clutched the fabric at her chest tightly. In a voice barely above a whisper, she asked,
“....Don’t tell me that woman is more precious to you than I am?”