I Never Thought of You as My Brother
Asena had been uncomfortable from the very beginning. Lucil Hober, the Student Council president, talked far too much. She claimed the goal was for the council members to grow closer to one another. Asena could not understand why they needed to become friends when they could simply carry out their duties. Still, she swallowed her displeasure and played along. She could not afford to lose this power. The Student Council’s authority let her bend minor rules—visiting Caiden’s dormitory whenever she wished, skipping classes to wander the grounds with him, slipping into locked rooms together to be alone. In short, it multiplied the moments she could share with him. Asena wanted that power. So she endured the farce, at least a little.
But when Lucil Hober began prying into her past, she crossed the line Asena had drawn in her heart. Questions about her childhood were, in truth, questions about Caiden. Without him, her early years held nothing worth remembering. Thanks to his devotion, the lonely days that should have been steeped in darkness had become flower-like and bright. Those memories were her treasures. She had no desire to share them. Others must never learn of Caiden’s beauty. She alone should know it. The foxes might begin to covet him. He had already been staring at Daisy with that vacant gaze. Nothing might come of it… but one could never be sure. Even though she knew Caiden was not the sort of man who fell in love with a face alone, caution could do no harm. That was why she had decided to keep him hidden. She did not want to speak of him if she could help it.
“I already said I disliked the idea. Do you not realize how rude it is to ask about someone’s family affairs without permission?”
Before their curiosity could deepen, she sealed their mouths with a lie.
“…Besides, there are no pleasant memories from my childhood worth sharing with anyone.”
She doused their interest in cold water, snuffing it out. After going this far, they would not dare ask again. She prayed that would be enough. In truth, once Caiden was erased from the picture, she would have had nothing to say at all. That was how completely he had filled her early years.
Yet the conversation veered in a strange direction. She wanted only to escape this exhausting gathering, but the topic slid toward family composition. First Kirsi. Then, inevitably—
“Oh! Now that I think of it, Lady Asena, didn’t you have an older brother?”
Asena felt her mask fracture. Simply approaching the subject shattered her composure. This was precisely why she despised the Freister name. The family’s power was matched only by how widely its private matters spread. Without realizing it, Asena shot Daisy a threatening glare, the way a mother bird shields her eggs.
“I’ve never met him, so I wouldn’t know… but what sort of person is he? His name is Cai—”
The number-one target of vigilance drew nearer. Daisy Hextor. The wave of revulsion was far larger than expected; Asena could no longer endure it. Her voice emerged frigid.
“—That person.”
Do not speak his name with your mouth. Do not even dream of growing close. Do not meet his eyes. Do not exchange a single word. Never. Do not covet him.
Swallowing the torrent of words she longed to spit out, Asena barely preserved her manners and dignity.
“…Please refrain from being curious, Daisy Hextor.”
She took care that her thick, sticky feelings for him did not seep through. The atmosphere sank once more. Taking one full breath gave her time to think rationally.
Asena had another goal she needed to accomplish at this Academy. She had to plant the perception that she and Caiden were unrelated. If she failed, when she later fulfilled her dream and bound him to her in marriage, these gossip-loving nobles would judge and point fingers. Asena herself did not care, but she could already see Caiden suffering because of it. Even though they shared no blood… accusations of incest would fly. How could a marriage arise within the same family? The noise would be unbearable. Therefore she had to lay the groundwork here, where children of countless houses gathered. She had to drive in the tacit understanding that Caiden and she were not siblings.
“That man is not a Freister. There is no reason for you to take any interest in him.”
The first nail would be driven in the Student Council. She made it unmistakably clear: Caiden was not her brother, and since he was not a Freister, they had no cause to care. The words were painful to speak, yet she had to endure them.
…Why were there so many obstacles standing in the way of her love? Asena could not understand it. But that did not mean she would ever give up. If what she desired waited at the end of this path, she could bear any amount of pain.
The longer she spoke, the more Daisy’s and Lucil’s expressions collapsed. They seemed to regret having brought the subject up at all. It was satisfying. Since she had already gone this far, she hurled harsher words as well—that she would expel him, that he was merely an adopted child.
“…I have never once thought of him as my older brother.”
…That she had never considered him her brother, and so on. Well, the last statement did contain a grain of truth. She had never seen him as a brother; she had thought of him as her man.
A heavy silence settled over them. Yet Asena felt no guilt whatsoever. Lucil Hober was the one who had poked the hornet’s nest. Asena had already advised her to move on, saying she did not wish to speak. This was what happened when one carelessly ignored a Freister warning.
Asena decided to use the awkwardness to end the moment quickly. She needed to go see Caiden. Because the Student Council had detained her, she had not even been able to eat lunch with him. If she had to pass the entire evening without him… a great deal of discontent would pile up.
Today had not been enjoyable, so she had nothing particular to tell him, but it seemed Caiden would have many things to say to her. Simply listening to his voice would be enough to make Asena happy.
Ah. The moment she imagined Caiden sharing his day with a smiling face, Asena could no longer bear to stay. Beneath her calm expression, fierce longing rampaged wildly.
Asena bowed to the frozen Student Council members.
“…I will take my leave now. I apologize for spoiling the mood.”
Without a shred of hesitation, she turned away. She had already memorized the Academy’s layout. The shortest route to her destination rose clearly in her mind. She headed straight for the place where Caiden would be.
Was it already too late? The Knight Department’s training grounds were empty. …She had anticipated this inconvenience, but it seemed she would need to devise stronger measures quickly. Something like ‘You must be in a fixed location during dinner.’
Asena bit her lip lightly. Every second felt wasted. Even now, the time she could spend looking at him was steadily shrinking. She quickened her steps back toward her own department. Perhaps he had come looking for them. Kirsi would be easy to find.
…Unfortunately, she too was alone.
Asena approached Kirsi, whose face mirrored the frustration in her own heart.
“….Kirsi.”
“..Sister. Have you seen Brother?”
Her expression looked rather sullen. Asena closed her eyes and sighed. Where on earth had he gone? She blamed her own foolishness. She should have made plans that morning. If she had, they would not be missing each other like this. Caiden must be searching for them too… She could picture his gentle figure wandering about, glancing left and right because he could not find them. Her older brother had always been that way.
Asena looked around. They stood before the empty fountain. It was a place where they could locate one another quickly if they tried. Should they simply wait here for him to come find them?
“What are you doing?”
Someone called out to the pair stamping their feet. The twins turned their heads. Eric Endra stood there.
“Are you looking for Caiden hyung-nim?”
As if he already knew, he asked at once. Kirsi nodded vigorously.
“Yes! Um… Eric, right?”
“That’s correct. I share a room with Caiden hyung-nim. He was heading back to our room just now.”
“…….Pardon?”
Asena and Kirsi asked simultaneously.
“Haaaa…”
I lay limply on the sofa and let out a long sigh.
…I have never once thought of that person as my older brother.
Asena’s words kept ripping through my head and chest. After all the effort I had poured in… how could she say something like that to others? Even though I had heard it with my own ears, I still could not believe she had spoken those words. I refused to think the kisses she gave my cheek every morning had been false. The coquettish gestures and smiles she showed only to me could not have been an act.
…Yet the more I believed those memories, the more undeniable it became that those words had truly left Asena’s lips. In the end I had even seen her face. I had witnessed the words flowing from her mouth. That was why I felt so lost.
Had she never liked me at all? Had I simply been deluding myself? If that were true, there could be no greater humiliation. Believing she cared for me, I had cherished her, devoted myself to her, shown her my heart… If she had found all of it repulsive… there was no deeper wound.
Even the slightly embarrassing displays of affection—for example, the frequent kisses we gave and received—had she truly found them disgusting?
Honestly, the ache in my chest would not subside. Was this what being rejected felt like? Asena was changing far too quickly. I had sensed the relationship shifting from the moment we boarded the carriage. After ten flawless years, everything began to twist the instant we stepped into the outside world.
I tried to locate the cause. If… Asena had truly never considered me family and had always disliked me, why was she only revealing it now?
The answer came surprisingly fast once I looked. Was it because of Grandma Liana? She had loved me. The twins had known that much. Had they only pretended to be close to me out of consideration for her gaze? And now that she was gone, were they gradually showing the true feelings they had hidden?
With no answers returning, every possibility remained a question.
“…Haaaa… puff, puff…”
I puffed out my lips repeatedly, trying to calm my chaotic heart. The clumsy theory I had pieced together somehow rang true, which only unsettled me further.
In the end, I simply needed to ask. I could walk up to Asena and say, ‘Did you really never once think of me as your brother?’ That was all.
But I was afraid. I had already heard it so clearly. She had not been prompted by anyone, nor had she spoken in a burst of emotion. She had said—on her own, in a place without me—that she had never once thought of me as her older brother.
What answer was I even hoping for? I no longer knew.
When I thought about it, she had been full of plans to expel me from the family. That choice, too, spoke for her heart. Little by little, my mind tilted toward the conclusion that she truly disliked me.
“…Ah… it hurts…”
I pressed hard against my solar plexus. The pain kept blooming from my heart. It hurt all the more because I loved Asena so deeply.
-Knock, knock, knock.
At that moment, someone rapped on the dormitory door. I did not even wonder who it might be; there was no room left in my head for such thoughts. I rose mechanically, walked over, and opened the door.
“….Kirsi…”
Kirsi stood before me.
“Brother! Why are you here!”
Her tone was sulky as she called my name. Her eyebrows drew together in a neat frown.
“….Sorry, I…..”
When I saw Asena stepping out from behind her, my mouth went stiff. Her face remained just as rigid as before. The mere sight of that expression made my heart plummet.
“..Brother, have you eaten?”
Asena asked in a flat, even tone. Her expression had not changed at all, as though nothing had happened. For a second I wondered if the earlier scene had been a dream.
But… unless I had gone mad, that was impossible. So now, her acting ability and whatever lay beneath it frightened me.
“…Brother. Answer me.”