After the War
Chapter 65 - After the War. The deer were losers, but we didn't execute them. After all, all animals are equal before the Mountain Lord. Of course, the deer ended up a little less equal than the others. "Four legs good, two legs bad. How dare mere deer stand on two legs and turn on the Wi-Fi."
[...Aren't you bipedal as well?]
'In emergencies I can switch to quadrupedal stance, so let's overlook that.'
Meanwhile, I tried to pass the title of Mountain Lord to Captain Rat. After all, Captain Ratmerica had been the MVP of this battle. But Captain Rat politely yet firmly refused. "Shinwoo, what the hell kind of conversation did you just have?" "The hero says he's relinquishing the Mountain Lord title." "......I don't know what a Mountain Lord is, but why?" "He says he has to go punish those who haven't subscribed to Plus." [There is Plus on both sides, is there not?] 'Subscribing to both is the best option.'
At that moment, Elsia shouted excitedly. "Husband! I heard you don't even need to subscribe anymore these days because downloads are so widely available!" "Captain. It's this bastard." "Squeak!!" Captain Rat grabbed a flat, round piece of wood from somewhere and hurled it at Elsia. The shard flew viciously and struck her temple dead-on. "Ow! It wasn't me, it was that person over there! I'm Plus!" The employee Elsia pointed at had been reading a novel—specifically, a pirated scan. Sensing everyone's eyes on him, the staff member tried to flee, but there was no escaping Captain Rat's punishment. [How should one describe that? Should one still call it a true reader?] 'Whether or not to subscribe is a personal choice, but that one's just a true son of a bitch.'
The noble Captain Rat executed the restaurant employee and then offered Elsia an apology. He also left me Disney's legal team's phone number, saying to contact him anytime I needed help. The moment Captain Rat disappeared, I tore the paper with the number to shreds. 'That kind of thing is bad luck.' [It is not even a double-edged sword. It is simply a blade already halfway embedded in your neck.]
Just then, the unconscious martial arts deer began to slowly regain consciousness and rise. I approached the deer and silently met its gaze. The deer noticed and looked back. A brief silence. Then I broke it. "Have you... shaken off your inner demon?" The deer, startled by my words, soon wore a relieved expression. It then clasped its front hooves together in a fist salute. I returned the gesture. "First, strike the heavens called advancing into the sunlit world. That is the path of the Heavenly Demon that Nopia seeks." "Kieeeek!" The martial arts deer turned its back and walked away from us. Its figure shrank to a dot and vanished. Only then did Piece speak to me. [If you were going to do it anyway, you should have told it to strike the heavens called Disney.] 'That's not a heaven, that's a universe. Touch it and you're screwed.'
The beasts began enjoying the late-night snack the kitchen staff had hurriedly prepared. Of course, the deer were excluded. Mercy for the losers was already more than enough by simply sparing their lives. Meanwhile, Elsia casually joined the beast crowd and ate the late-night snack with them. [...Why does it not feel out of place at all?] 'I can't even tell who's the beast anymore.'
When the feast ended, the beasts greeted me one by one and returned to their original places. Cleaning up was naturally the deer's job. Without the martial arts deer as their focal point, they were nothing more than mere labor. Meanwhile, Jung Ayeon was the only one still out of it. "Hey! Jung Ayeon! I won, right? I'll cash in that favor later." "Heh-" "Shinwoo, she's really broken this time." "Heh-" "Change your laugh. You'll get reported for plagiarism." Even if it's the same platform, plagiarizing laughter is problematic. Deputy Han was also careful not to plagiarize crying sounds. Just as Hyeji started half-dragging the deranged Jung Ayeon away, a kitchen staff member handed me an envelope. "What's this?" "Ah! It's the wild boar we caught at lunch, butchered." "Husband! Give me some too!" "......Take a reasonable amount." "Yes! I'll take a reasonable amount!" Elsia took the envelope and helped herself to some of the meat. Quite a lot, actually. The weight of the returned envelope was far lighter than what the kitchen staff had originally given me. [...Is that not too little?] 'Even the Monster Hunter guild wouldn't skim this much.' But today's victory was so sweet that I decided to let it slide as a cute little prank. After all, I hadn't really lost anything.
Afterward, everyone returned to their dorms. The moment I got back, I checked the meat I'd received. The kitchen staff had said they'd properly portioned most of the boar cuts. Yet the only part left in the envelope was the hind leg. The cheapest cut of pork at any butcher shop. 'Ha...... Elsia, you bitch... You said "reasonable amount."' [......At least taste it.] Taking Piece's advice, I decided to grill only a very small amount. The taste of the grilled wild boar was truly beyond my expectations. In a very bad way. It was tough. Insanely tough. Even after dumping pepper on it, the gamey smell wouldn't go away. It was like chewing rubber bands that reeked. 'This is fucking inedible. Even stew won't save it.' [Throw it away.] The remaining grilled meat that hadn't been eaten naturally received a one-way ticket to the food waste bin. The uncooked meat was roughly bundled and tossed into the freezer. Materially speaking, I hadn't suffered any real loss, but I felt too sorry for my tongue and teeth. 'Sorry... I've been defiled...' [How about roughly grilling it and giving it to the beasts?] 'If I give them this, they'll definitely revolt. It'll be the Second Imo Incident.'
Since I couldn't use money, I couldn't even cleanse my palate with beer. What a goddamn situation. *** Later, when I looked it up, I learned that wild boar meat needs to be aged before eating. Otherwise, it's not edible at all. However, Elsia and her escort elf apparently devoured everything they received on the same day without leaving a single scrap. ".....Huh? It wasn't tough?" "No! It was softer than tree bark!" "...I'm sorry to say this, but do you happen to have any left?" "......There's a little left, so I'll give it to you tomorrow." Then, remembering that Elsia had taken the meat, I voiced a small complaint. "Still, taking only the tasty parts crosses the line, doesn't it?" "...I'm sorry. It's harder to control than I thought." Elsia answered, looking slightly downcast. Still, I didn't feel like scolding her much, so I let it go. I probably would've thrown it all away anyway even if I'd kept it. "Well, at least you enjoyed it, so that's good." Same as last time when she unconsciously ate both fried food and toilet paper without distinguishing between them. There was definitely something going on, but I decided not to poke at it. [Are you not curious?] 'I am curious, but it might be a sensitive issue.'
After the war last time, I ordered the deer to take turns cleaning the restaurant during evening hours. It was originally my job, but war criminals should be put to maximum use. I was going to make sure they never even dreamed of another rebellion. 'Unpaid subcontracting is the best.' [...You are gradually becoming a professor.] Plus, after the war, security was no longer necessary. The enlightened martial arts deer had signed a pledge never to approach the restaurant again as a token of gratitude. Even the minimal security, just in case, was occasionally handled by the beast friends, so I didn't need to get involved. The beasts' autonomous defense system was complete. Naturally, my restaurant work became significantly easier. All I had to do was sit in the restaurant, chat, read a book, or just sleep and wake up. Currently, Hyeji, Elsia, and I were lounging in the restaurant chairs. Elsia was practically lying down while monopolizing the food provided by the restaurant. Her hands and mouth moved automatically even while looking elsewhere—it was still fascinating to watch. Meanwhile, Hyeji stopped drawing blueprints and started bluntly staring at Elsia with a sulky expression. "I can't tell if you're an elf or a damn pig when I see you stuffing your face." "Oh my~. Unlike our little sister, big sister here sends everything to just one place even when she eats~." Hyeji swept her chest with an empty gaze. Even though there was nothing to sweep. Then she suddenly pointed at Elsia and started mocking her. "......For someone saying that, your sides are sticking out quite a bit?" "Shut up." Elsia lightly pinched her own side. Then she quickly smacked her other hand, which was still moving automatically, making it drop the french fries. Soon the atmosphere between them began to heat up. "If I bump into our little sister, I feel like I'd get extra wall bounce~." "I heard big sister lived eating tree bark, but now she's eating an old tree? Isn't this fratricide?" From the start, it wasn't just probing attacks—it was lethal strikes. And naturally... "...My chest is so heavy I want to share some, but it's such a shame I can't give any away." "...Since you've eaten so much you've become a pig, eating wild boar should count as fratricide too, right?" It didn't end with one exchange. Before long, both of them had bright smiles on their faces. However, the scene didn't quite match those smiles. Hyeji was holding a rifle, and ominous butterflies were starting to manifest around Elsia. Any further fighting would be dangerous. To stop this, the protagonist had to step in. First, Hyeji. "Hyeji." "What? I'm not mad." "Don't be like that. Even with flaws, you're plenty charming." Hyeji stopped talking and kept the smile on her face. Hyeji's side seemed somewhat resolved, so now Elsia. "Elsia." "Yes, Husband!" "You don't look fat at all. It doesn't show that much." Elsia's smile deepened even more. Then Hyeji and Elsia started laughing loudly while looking at each other. It seemed my intentions had been properly conveyed. I'd even bolded it just in case, so it was a relief they understood. 'It's nice when they laugh.' [Just die already, you fool.] Their laughter remained unchanged. The only change was in me. Suddenly, Elsia's butterflies bound my body and pinned me to the restaurant wall. At the same time, Hyeji aimed her rifle at me while laughing. In that moment, the number above Hyeji's head went up by one. "Shinwoo? Do you know what I've been through?" "...Three-round burst?" Hyeji's smile didn't disappear even at my answer. But looking closely now, her eyes didn't seem to be smiling. "Full auto, you son of a bitch." It was already too late. Hyeji immediately switched the selector to full auto and riddled my body with bullets. Not a single shot missed. At least Hyeji showed two shreds of conscience. One was that they were rubber bullets. The other was that she didn't attack my dick. 'At least I can have kids.' [Worry about seeing tomorrow's sun instead.] After two magazine changes, Elsia finally released me. Then Hyeji and Elsia started laughing while looking at each other again. "Big sister, follow me. We need to see this through to the end." "Little sister, I'll show you who's on top today." Smiling brightly, the two of them left the restaurant leisurely, leaving me collapsed on the floor. While groaning in pain, a squirrel came into view. It was approaching me, so I thought it had come to help. "Ugh. You came to help. As expected, only you—" But the squirrel suddenly sharpened its front paws and tried to strike down at my eyes. Looking closely, the squirrel's eyes weren't those of someone trying to save another. They were filled only with desire and ambition. That beast was after my life. More precisely, it was after the Mountain Lord title. 'Even Kyaru wouldn't betray me like this?' I swung my hand and smacked the squirrel. As a result, the squirrel flew far away and got stuck in an outlet. "-Squirrel Thunder!!!!!!" The squirrel's entire body was electrocuted, trembled violently, and died instantly. Such was the miserable end of one who failed from behind.