Spirit Summoner? That's Just Being a NEET!
That elf bastard gave me a bad feeling. Like he was about to pull some shit on Hyeji. Maybe that was why my fist ended up buried in his smug face before I even realized it. The result? One elf sent flying into the distance.
The female students who'd followed him all sprinted after their fallen leader. But despite all their panic, the elf recovered surprisingly fast. I was honestly impressed.
I put some real power into that punch, thinking I'd at least knock him out until the period ended.
The elf kept rubbing his face, clearly in pain, before glaring at me with pure venom.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you piece of trash?"
"I've got this condition where I can't stand looking at disgusting bastards. Try to understand, elf boy."
"A short-lived species like you sure talks big for someone who wants to die!"
Right on cue, the classroom erupted into murmurs. The noise level hit an all-time high.
"That earring is the symbol of a High Elf! I get it now—he's Lucianer, the eldest son of the Pond Leaf Tribe!"
"I heard he entered the academy this year as a Gold-rank first-year?"
"If it's Lucianer, he's the number one candidate to greet the World Tree, right?"
"Now that I think about it, the World Tree greeting representative selection is happening at this academy. He must be here for publicity!"
"Dude, it's not even election season yet."
From what I could piece together, it went like this: Lucianer—nicknamed Lucian—a High Elf even among elves. And coincidentally, he was the top candidate for the World Tree greeting representative selection happening at the academy. The students kept whispering because, well, no Iron-rank in their right mind would ever think of slapping a High Elf across the face.
"So he really came to see Hyeji, just like he said at first?"
"Wait, did that guy just slap a High Elf in the face?"
"Is he testing how far he can go?"
"That's some dedicated experimental spirit. He's got researcher written all over him."
"We'll deal with the last guy later."
More information to sort through. Lucianer had taken an interest in Hyeji after she beat Ayeon. That's why he'd come today—to make her his twenty-fourth wife. And then I randomly showed up and decked him.
"Explain yourself, short-lived scum. Why did you dare attack me?"
Lucianer growled at me. It was a reasonable reaction, considering some random guy he'd never met had just punched him in the face.
Fuck, that was a spontaneous punch.
But what could I do? My hands were born with an impulse-punching problem. Logic wasn't going to work here. So I decided to drag this into an emotional fight instead.
"You eye-raped Hyeji with those filthy eyes of yours."
"W-what kind of nonsense are you spouting?!"
"Waaah! Shinwoo, that elf tried to rape me! Uwaaaah!"
"See that, you elf pervert? You're guilty of attempted rape, so stop that shit and go home already."
Hyeji, as expected, caught on instantly and delivered the perfect follow-up. I had to admit it—she was a natural supporter.
Thanks to Hyeji, the group of female students staring at Lucianer suddenly turned ice-cold. Lucianer started frantically explaining himself, desperately insisting he wasn't a rapist.
"Master... rape is bad."
"No! I was simply trying to take the woman who defeated Jung Ayeon as my wife."
"No matter how badly you want a new wife, rape isn't okay."
"How could you say that? Even with us here, you still find rape exciting?"
"It wasn't rape! I was just trying to kiss her!"
"Right... of course you were."
His wives gave half-hearted agreement. Meanwhile, Hyeji listened to their conversation and made a disgusted face before shouting at the top of her lungs.
"Who the hell are you to try kissing me?! Get the fuck out before you waste any more oxygen, you horny dog bastards!"
The female students were completely overwhelmed by Hyeji's presence and couldn't say a word. Only Lucianer remained unfazed as he slowly walked toward Hyeji again.
"Allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Lucianer, eldest son of the Pond Leaf Tribe. Kim Hyeji, I've come to take you as my twenty-fourth wife."
His words carried a certain elegance, but the arrogance was still there. Hyeji responded by flipping him off.
"If you want to talk shit, go do it to the dick-sleeves standing behind you."
"The more prickly the fruit, the sweeter it is."
"Are you deaf? Listen when people talk, you bastard."
"Don't worry. I've dealt with women like you plenty of times."
There was no reasoning with this guy. Lucianer just kept saying whatever he wanted. Hyeji turned to me with an exasperated expression.
"Shinwoo, this bastard won't listen to a damn word. What the fuck do we do?"
"I get the same feeling when I argue with male-hating feminists."
"I'm losing my mind, seriously."
In that moment, I had a realization. Hyeji finally understood my position.
"Now I get it. We're finally tomo-dachi."
"What are you talking about? We've always been best tomo-dachi."
"You stay out of this! How dare a bug like you interfere!"
Lucianer, annoyed that I'd interrupted his attempt to hit on Hyeji, snarled at me. But to me, he just looked like a long-eared chihuahua. I pulled Hyeji into my arms by the shoulder and faced him.
"The moment you got sent flying after getting your ass kicked by a bug, you already hit peak Lucianer. Don't you agree?"
"How dare you speak my name so casually?! I am a noble existence meant to greet the World Tree!"
"You mean World Tree greeting candidate, you idiot. And saying that wrong could be an election law violation."
"Shut your mouth!!!!!"
I pointed at Lucianer's earring with my free hand.
"Also, that earring you said represents the Pond Leaf Tribe? It looks exactly like water hyacinth to me."
"Don't insult our tribe's emblem!!! This is a lotus!!!"
Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.
"Lotus my ass. If it were a lotus, you'd have made it pink. It's obviously a water hyacinth."
"Our tribe designed this emblem focusing on lotus leaves, not the flowers!!!"
"You probably whined about how hard it was to clean water hyacinth and begged to become a High Elf. It all makes sense now."
".....T-that's not true."
Lucianer stuttered, looking strangely guilty. Either way, I'd accidentally learned that this elf bastard was basically a water hyacinth cleaner. I turned to share this happy fact with Hyeji.
She was broken. Hyeji had completely malfunctioned.
The Hyeji in my arms had her eyes spinning in the weirdest way. Her face was as red as her hair, and she was just letting out high-pitched whimpers.
Hyeji? Why did you break? You haven't even fought Ayeon yet. Why are you already broken?!
Chiiiko!!
Still holding the unresponsive Hyeji, I glared at Lucianer. At that moment, I spotted an old white-whiskered cat by the window. Lucianer looked at the old cat and suddenly sneered.
"Hah! That cat looks like it's a little over ten years old. At least it has more class than a beast like you!"
"If a cat lives ten years, does that make it human? It's still just a fucking cat."
"Ten years for a cat is equivalent to fifty-six human years. Shouldn't you show respect to someone with more experience?"
"How old are you, acting so cocky?"
Lucianer started laughing as if he'd been waiting for this question. He pointed at me and shouted.
"Don't be surprised. I am one hundred and fifty years old—something short-lived species like you could never dream of. From now on, address me with proper respect!"
"Oh really?"
Now it was my turn to attack.
"You piece of shit, I'm twenty years old. That makes me about one hundred and sixty in elf years, right?"
"......Huh?"
For a moment, Lucianer was speechless. I didn't stop there.
"What do you mean 'huh,' asshole? I'm one hundred and sixty in elf years and you won't use honorifics? A ten-year difference just makes us friends?"
"That's not... that's not how it works."
"Then from now on, use honorifics every time you see me. Unless you want to die."
"Uh, uh, yes... Understood."
"Good. Now get lost."
And just like that, Lucianer left with his group.
One hour later.
The front door slammed open again, and Lucianer came bursting through.
"How dare you deceive me!!!!!!"
"You bastard, who the fuck compares human age to a goddamn cat? Do you want to die?"
"How could you pull such a ridiculous stunt?!"
Lucianer immediately thrust his right hand toward us. As he muttered something, a strong wind suddenly whipped through the classroom. Students started panicking. Lucianer stared straight at me and spoke in an ominous tone.
"You don't know the terror of spirits!"
"Hey, is your job something like a spirit summoner?"
"That's right!! Are you scared now?!"
I wasn't scared. And for good reason.
"No, isn't being a spirit summoner basically just being a NEET?"
"......What?"
Because spirit summoners were NEETs.
The fierce wind died down. An awkward silence filled the room. I spoke to the still-stunned Lucianer.
"Listen here, elf boy. Do you know what Korean NEETs say when people ask what their job is?"
"H-how would I know something like that?!"
"Because it's embarrassing, they call themselves 'freelancers' or 'individual investors.'"
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
Lucianer huffed and puffed as he answered. I continued calmly anyway.
"Elves probably have all kinds of jobs too. Chef, civil servant, scout, stuff like that."
"T-that's true."
Lucianer agreed with trembling eyes. Maybe this guy really was a NEET too.
"In the end, because saying you're a NEET is embarrassing, you just say you can use spirits instead."
Lucianer's mouth snapped shut for a moment. Then he shouted again.
"That's not true!!! Spirit summoners are absolutely not NEETs!!!"
"Says the NEET who won't shut up wwwwww"
It was Kyoko, who'd been watching from beside Hyeji. She'd adapted to this ridiculous academy way too well—she was already pointing at Lucianer and mocking him. At the same time, Hyeji joined in, refusing to lose to an exchange student.
"Shinwoo, can you even see the spirits?"
"I don't see anything. Do they actually exist?"
"Maybe only good elves can see them."
"The spirits are right here!!!!"
As if trying to prove his existence, a sudden breeze blew through. But that didn't stop our mouths.
"Anyway, he says the spirits exist, Hyeji."
"Even imaginary friends should stop around age eight~"
Lucianer trembled before exploding at us.
"You dare speak when you can't even handle spirits as well as a spirit summoner!!!"
"It's like a Korean bragging about eating kimchi well~"
"Even people from the Empire of Japan are good at eating sushi wwwwwwww"
But we just kept counterattacking. Especially Kyoko's follow-up attacks were pretty sharp. With that kind of damage output, she had real hunter potential.
"Hyeji, spirit arts are an S-rank technique that controls nature!"
"Are you crazy? You can't even beat B-rank Hell Water Prison but you're applying for spirit arts as S-rank? Have some shame."
"Spirit arts have to line up nicely with Chidori wwwwww"
"Spirits... I raised them..."
"Sob. Please... don't insult spirits."
Tears started welling up in Lucianer's eyes. Then a gentle breeze suddenly blew. It seemed like the spirits were trying to comfort him. Lucianer wiped his tears and spoke confidently to Hyeji.
"I will definitely make you my wife. I'll come back as many times as it takes."
"Shut your fucking mouth, you elf bastard."
"Get out, you spirit-fucker."
"Go home, you shameful NEET wwwwww"
As we kept interfering with Lucianer's romantic endeavors, he distorted his face and pointed at me.
"Is that woman your bitch or something?"
"No, that's not it."
"Then why are you interfering!!!"
"Why? Because... it's fun."
"Y-you bastard!!!"
Lucianer's rage seemed to hit its limit as blood vessels appeared in his eyes. But realizing he couldn't win with words, he quickly fled.
"I'll definitely kill you! Kim Hyeji, prepare to become my wife!!!"
With that third-rate villain line, the elf bastard left. At least we'd stopped some creepy bastard from bothering Hyeji. I turned to Hyeji, expecting praise.
"Hyeji, I did good, right?"
"......Shut up, you bastard."
For some reason, Hyeji's reaction was ice-cold. She just stared at me with empty eyes, looking like she wanted to kill me.
"Zero awareness wwwwww"
With Kyoko's final words, Hyeji and I didn't say anything else. Well, more accurately, we couldn't.