The Only Good Elf Is a Dead Elf

That crazy elf bastard showed up every single hour. Even before morning classes started.

Even when I slipped away to the cafeteria for a second.

When classes ended.

Even while we were heading out for lunch.

During practical training.

When practical training wrapped up.

And even during the sudden extra self-study sessions.

"The last part's a lie, you fucking bastard."

The final jab hit a nerve and I shot up from my seat in a rage. Lucianer just sneered at me.

Lucianer waved at the group of girls following him. At the same time, the number floating above his head went up by one.

A man's dick is his lifelong partner. It's so important that historically, groin protectors came before helmets. That's how precious it is. It's such a sensitive topic that even best friends don't compare them.

But the elf bastard in front of me had the audacity to challenge me to a dick fight. I couldn't lose this.

I might lose at everything else, but I absolutely cannot lose to this elf on this.

Right then, a rabbit beastkin girl stepped forward from Lucianer's group. Her gaze immediately locked onto my crotch. A few seconds passed. Suddenly her mouth fell open and her face turned bright red. She looked genuinely shocked. Then she glanced over at Lucianer's crotch. The rabbit girl's expression instantly crumpled with disappointment. She must have ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠had some kind of x-ray vision.

But it was fine. From her reaction, it was clear who the winner was.

I win, you elf fucker.

I grinned at the sight. When the expected reaction didn't come, Lucianer looked confused and turned his head.

Finally, the red number above Lucianer's head went up by one. He must have experienced a different future this time. Ignoring the elf whose confident expression was slowly collapsing, the girls started whispering among themselves. A few of them suddenly gave me strange looks. Disbelief mixed with blatant lust. Then they started doing something weird. They spread their palms and placed them ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠on different parts of their bodies. One hand near their groin. The other below their solar plexus around the abdomen. They kept alternating their gaze between my crotch and their hands.

Thanks, but isn't this a bit too obvious?

It didn't seem like great behavior for kids to be copying. Worried that Hyeji and Kyoko might learn something weird, I turned my head away.

"...Hyeji? Why are you copying them?"

"Huh? N-no I'm not!!! Mind your own business!!!"

Hyeji was doing the exact same gesture. Kyoko, watching her, burst into giggles.

"Your hardware is way too overpowered for your intelligence lolololol."

Hyeji's face had gone completely scarlet. A little fear mixed into her embarrassment. Only then did Lucianer seem to realize the mood wasn't going his way. He turned toward the girls. A few approached him, whispered something, then walked away. A heavy silence fell over Lucianer's entire group.

Kyoko pointed at Lucianer and cackled.

"Elves really are smaller than those from the Great Japanese Empire lololol"

Lucianer's face went blank with despair. He practically fled the classroom. That day, the elf didn't come back.

The day before midterms. Before the elf could show up, Hyeji greeted me with dark circles under her eyes. Kyoko stood beside her, grinning brightly. They'd somehow become best friends.

"Hyeji? Why do you look like death warmed over?"

"Fuuuuck! That elf bastard wouldn't let me sleep. Those crazy bitches, seriously."

"Did he go to the girls' dorm?"

"No, those onahole bitches."

"They can't even act modest, the nerve!!!!!"

Kyoko passionately agreed with Hyeji. Looking closer, Kyoko had dark circles too. She must have slept over in Hyeji's room.

"Aren't they actually insane? Why do they keep waking us up every night?"

"Can't you just beat the shit out of them?"

"The aggro ping-pong is insane. Fuck, should I just designate the elf during midterms and smash him?"

"Did you ask for outside help?"

Hyeji let out a huge sigh.

"He's a high elf, so the professors are all covering for him."

"Useless pieces of shit."

"Even Dad says it's awkward for him to get involved. Should I just kill them all?"

"That is completely unacceptable in the Great Japanese Empire!!!!!!!!"

"...Kyoko. Your country is basically a feudal system."

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"Eh? For real?"

I calmed the shocked Kyoko down and continued the conversation.

"Hyeji, get it? The only good elf is a dead elf."

"That's exactly right. The two things I hate most in the world are racism and elves."

"Even if we stomp that bastard during midterms, he'll probably keep pulling this shit."

As if on cue, Lucianer and his swarm of girls came pouring in. Behind them, I spotted Professor Pilyong. He was probably here to confirm who people wanted to fight for the practical midterm exam. Perfect timing. I'd just come up with a great plan.

Without hesitation, I raised my hand and called out to him.

"Professor."

"Shinu? What is it?"

"We can designate our opponent for the practical midterm right now, right?"

"Who are you picking? Someone like you should be able to beat pretty much anyone."

"That elf bastard."

I pointed directly at Lucianer. He laughed as if it was ridiculous.

"...Shinu, are you really choosing Lucianer?"

Professor Pilyong asked again, as if confirming I was serious. I met his gaze and made an even bigger suggestion.

"Yes. And while we're at it, please call the oath mediator. I want to make an oath with that bastard."

"Scared?"

His reaction was exactly as expected. No self-respecting hothead could ignore being called scared. Even our big brother Agui flipped out when Goni asked him that.

"If you're shaking, just back out~. You big scaredy-cat~."

"Same here, you elf fucker."

"Understood. I'll bring the oath mediator, so we'll meet back here in ten minutes."

The moment Professor Pilyong finished speaking, Lucianer bolted out of the classroom. Ten minutes later, the room was packed. Kyoko. Me and Hyeji. The other students whose eyes sparkled at the prospect of a good show. Professor Pilyong. Lucianer and his girls. And finally the oath mediator.

Lucianer's complexion looked a bit haggard.

"Did this bastard just come from fucking?"

Not so much jealous as...

"Premature ejaculation bastard."

"......"

It was just pitiful. Lucianer's mouth clamped shut. Leaving the silenced elf alone, I spoke to the oath mediator.

"Oath mediator, I'd like to proceed with a mutual oath please."

"Understood."

A mutual oath was when both parties presented vows they would absolutely fulfill. The oath mediator's role was crucial to prevent any disputes during the process. Simply put, the oath was like a contract, and the mediator was the broker and notary.

Of course, it didn't always work and the conditions were rather strict. It was only possible when there was a clear winner and loser. The price each would pay for breaking the oath had to be as equal as possible.

The mediator turned to me.

"Student Shinu, what would you like to request from your opponent?"

"I'll keep it private. It will only be revealed when that bastard has to fulfill the oath."

"You want it revealed only if you win? Then please write your request here."

"Thank you."

The mediator handed me a piece of paper. I carefully wrote so no one else could see. While I filled out the paper, the mediator turned to Lucianer.

"Noted."

The mediator wrote Lucianer's request on a paper identical to the one given to me. By then I'd finished writing mine. I handed the paper with my request to the mediator.

"Here you go."

"I won't look at the contents, but please be careful. Requests that are physically impossible cannot be forced on the opponent."

"Understood."

The mediator neatly folded both papers. Then he looked back and forth between me and Lucianer.

"What shall we set as the price for not fulfilling the oath?"

Lucianer slammed his desk and glared at me. Then he laughed viciously.

He was underestimating me way too much. I looked at Lucianer and smiled menacingly.

"Let's put our necks on the line, you fucking elf bastard."

The mediator's expression changed slightly. From neutral to a mix of awkwardness and interest.

"It's been quite a while since I've seen such an intense one."

Meanwhile, Lucianer was cackling like a madman. He seemed certain of his victory.

"This son of a bitch is already acting like he's won. You're really asking for a beating."

"Thank you both. Could you both extend your hands? It will sting a bit."

A sharp pain pricked my fingertip. The mediator carefully collected the small amount of blood that flowed from the wound.

"Processing will take ten minutes. Please wait a moment."

This was exactly why the oath mediator was necessary. The mediator processed about 5mL of blood from both parties using magic power, then injected it back into each person's body to circulate. Once a unique pattern from the mediator appeared near the heart, the oath was complete. It was like putting on a shackle. If you didn't fulfill the oath and didn't pay the price, the person would die. And very painfully at that.

Just then, the mediator spoke to us, apparently finished with the processing.

"Processing is complete. Please place your wounds against it again."

The blood looked no different from when it was first drawn. But there were two strange things. Even after ten minutes, it was still perfectly fresh with no signs of drying. And it maintained a spherical shape above the paper where our requests were written.

I pressed my wound against the blood sphere. Suddenly the blood flowed into my body through the wound. It was definitely my blood, but somehow slightly different. I could feel it moving from my hand to my heart, then spreading throughout my body. Finally I felt a foreign sensation near my heart again before it suddenly disappeared. At the same time, the mediator's pattern floated above my chest. A heart tattoo was acceptable. At least it wasn't a uterus or prostate tattoo.

Once the pattern appeared on my chest, the mediator bowed to us. His role was finished.

"Everything is complete. Thank you for using our services."

"Thank you, oath mediator."

After the mediator left, Lucianer's group followed. Professor Pilyong continued with his original purpose, gathering people who wanted to designate their midterm opponents. Once he left, Hyeji spoke to me with a worried expression.

"Shinu, can you actually win?"

"Dunno."

Hyeji gave me the look she reserved for idiots.

"Fuck, what were you thinking when you designated him?!"

"But Onee-chan... if I didn't, that bastard would keep acting like a piece of shit..."

"Do not insult the mother tongue of the Great Japanese Empire!!!!!!!!"

Kyoko expressed her intense anger toward me. Hyeji clutched her head and sighed.

"Shinu, what were you going to make him do that you even made an oath?"

"It's a secret."

Hyeji suddenly looked at me with sparkling, hopeful eyes.

"Are ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠you claiming ownership by saying I'm yours?"

"No, that's not it?"

"At least lie and say yes in moments like this!!!"

Hyeji and Kyoko both poured their anger on me. It took quite a while for their rage to subside.

The theory portion of the midterm in the morning ended simply. Honestly, it didn't feel like anything compared to the practical exam coming up. Of course, it wasn't easy either. Here's a simple example.

It was a shitty question. And it was even subjective.

Shouldn't you first ask if the person even has a girlfriend, you bastards?

I'd already looked up Lucianer's abilities on Namuwiki. There was just one problem. His ability was too tricky.

Even considering the high elf stat boost, Gold Rank isn't just for show.

First, he controlled spirits. They were wind-type spirits, and he usually released wind from his hands. His abilities involved growing plants and controlling them at will. He could freely control up to four plants regardless of type or size.

I trust you, Namuwiki.

It was an ability with extreme environmental variance. But it also meant he could use his power anywhere with vegetation. Coincidentally, unlike previous training, the practical midterm selected locations randomly. Desert. City. Basic training ground. If it was somewhere without grass, I could beat him easily. But if it was a forest or jungle, I was truly fucked.

Please, just don't give me a place with grass, fuck.

Finally, I checked my equipment. This time I'd prepared for maximum armament. Four hand axes at my waist. Eight daggers strapped to my body. Steel gauntlets on both hands. A semi-automatic shotgun in my left hand and a longsword in my right. Plus the Defensive Coat I'd received from Kang Hyuk.

I didn't really want to use it, but I don't think I can win without it.

I was currently waiting for Hyeji. I needed the last piece of equipment: the incendiary grenades. She appeared after only a few minutes. She had a belt with twelve incendiary grenades, which she personally fastened around my waist.

"Shinu, you have to win no matter what."

"I'll try to win. It'll work out somehow."

Hyeji's eyes went dead for a moment.

"If you lose, I'll kill myself."

"Hey, why are you suddenly talking about suicide? That's scary."

"I'll die with you."

"Fuck. So I'd be murdered in that scenario."

The grenades were finally ready. Hyeji looked at me with worried eyes and asked carefully.

"...You can win and come back, right?"

I turned and started walking toward the dueling arena. Then I looked back at Hyeji, grinned, and said.

"Midterms. I'll go smash them."

As my figure grew distant, Hyeji stared blankly after me and muttered.

"You idiot, when you say it like that, you're usually the one who gets smashed."

Normally, betting was prohibited during the practical midterm exams. The academy's policy was that tests should be kept separate from such monetary desires. It seemed completely contradictory no matter how you looked at it. If that was the case, they should have made an academy that didn't need money in the first place. They let everyone bet all the time but suddenly banned toto for important events. As if the gambling addicts would listen.

However, there was one ray of hope for the gambling addicts whose fingers trembled from withdrawal. It was the short voting period that took place after the theory exam ended and before the practical began. The voting was simple. Everyone except the students currently taking the exam would vote on which practical exam they wanted to watch. Toto would only be allowed for the single practical exam that received the most votes.

And the voting result was...

"You really came dressed like a walking Christmas tree."

The moment Lucianer saw me, he spat out those words. I ignored him and observed his appearance. Just like before, he wore cumbersome clothes that looked difficult to move in. From his physique and outfit, he didn't seem like a physical fighter at all.

Right then, as I entered the dueling arena, I heard the voices of the crazy gambling addicts.

The heat didn't die down even though it should have calmed by now. Of course, sometimes it got too overheated.

After the academy app was updated recently, toto became available through the app. There were some minor bugs, but it was practically a goddess compared to the old manual method. Thanks to that, everyone was holding their phones like betting tickets and screaming. Of course, the app restrictions had been partially lifted so observers could also experience the toto culture.

Right then, I spotted Hyeji, Kyoko, and Sister Yerim nearby.

"Shinu! I bet my entire fortune on you so you absolutely cannot lose!"

"Shinu-chan!!!! Slaughter the Karf bitches' souls!!!!"

"Shinu! This is the marriage fund for me and Kang Hyuk! You have to win so we can get married!!!"

I waved to them and looked around the spectator seats. Since Lucianer was a high elf, there were an insane number of elves going crazy with excitement.

So that bastard has a proper fanbase after all.

I focused a bit to listen to what the elves were saying. All I could hear was curses and insults directed at me. As expected, my thoughts were correct. Starting today, the only good elf is a dead elf. There are no bad dogs in the world, but there are bad elves.

Right then, the dueling arena system began to activate. I started praying desperately. For once, I wanted to rely on a religion I didn't even believe in.

Please, fuck, somewhere without grass. Without grass. Without grass.

But there was no god. The selected duel location was the worst possible place: a clearing in the forest. In the end, I'd have to fight while the elf's abilities were at their maximum.

The favorite bettors started cheering even harder when they saw this.

Fuck my life, is nothing going to go right?

Lucianer didn't even try to hide his joy. He pointed at me and started laughing like a maniac.

"Can you still say that after taking a lead bullet to the head?"

In the spectator seats, someone had shouted "Nathan Maia" earlier. Hey, Mr. Nathan. We don't have the same last name, but since we're from the same publishing house, let me borrow some lines for a moment.

"That won't happen, elf."

I grabbed the sword I'd stuck in the ground with my right hand. Shouldering the sword I'd drawn, I spoke again.

"No matter what."

I pointed the shouldered sword at the elf. Finally, I gave Lucianer a vicious smile.

"I won't die for you, elf."

With those words, the favorite bettors' shouts grew even louder. Most of the shouters were, of course, elves. Kyoko's enraged comments grew even more extreme.

"All those damn elves should be sent to the gas chambers!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well done, Kyoko. Looks like the Axis powers' blood flows in you too.