A Soft Touch
I needed to put a period on it, but it wasn't as easy as saying the words.
"What?"
"Because I believe it's the right thing to do. I can't just walk past a student in trouble, can I?"
The homeroom teacher of Class 1-3 was that kind of person.
Warm, kind, overflowing with consideration—an angel of a person. Her words, filled with sincerity, made me feel it all over again.
"That's an answer I just can't understand."
"Yes. The current you would feel that way."
"What do you mean by that?"
The current me?
"I can't tell you that yet."
"You have a lot of secrets."
"It's just that the time isn't right, so I'm not telling you. So don't be too disappointed."
"My answer is set. I refuse."
"Alright. If that's how you feel, then there's nothing I can do."
She said that, but there was no regret or anything else on her face.
Should I try probing once?
"You're not going to try to persuade me?"
"I figure you refused because you have your own thoughts. So I didn't particularly feel the need to persuade you. I believe you'll do just fine on your own."
I was experiencing firsthand what trust really was.
How should I put it? It felt good, but since I still wasn't used to it, it was a little burdensome.
"I don't think you're wrong. But I do think you'll come to regret it greatly. As I said just a moment ago, looking away isn't good. It depends on the situation, but at least for now, it can't be seen as a wise judgment. That said, it's not a bad judgment either."
"......"
It wasn't that I couldn't say anything—I simply didn't.
"Well then. Have we cleared up some of your worries? I'll give you plenty of time for cleaning, so finish it up quickly and come back."
"Yes."
I had improved a lot, but I still headed to the counseling room with a complicated heart.
The moment I stepped into the house, the one who greeted me was my sister, waiting with a disheveled appearance. I'd seen that sloppy look so many times that I didn't even sigh anymore.
She looked half-asleep, but she seemed exhausted, so I handed her the ramen right away.
"No need for a tip for the errand."
"!"
Her eyes went round as she stared at me, looking quite surprised.
I'd gone and done the errand without any reward, and that was the face she made? Making me feel bad. So I looked back at her with a sullen expression.
"......Why are you looking at me like that?"
"What wind is blowing today?"
"......"
I fell into thought about what to say to my sloppy sister, who was looking at me with wonder and surprise, a smile blooming at the corners of her mouth. But the thought didn't last long.
Even if I lied, it would be found out right away. Ever since that past, she'd been watching me a lot and trying to understand me. It might be natural as family, but it was a little burdensome.
Given our past, maybe it was only natural.
"I ran into Jin Jo-hwa."
I spoke without hiding my exhaustion. I really was tired, my heart and head a mess, filled with the desire to just collapse onto my bed.
"What? Really? It's been so long since you two met. You must have been happy to see each other after so long. So, did you talk a lot?"
She looked at me with eager interest, as if she was all ready to hear the story—what reaction should I show? Would showing the ideal reaction she imagined be the right and best choice? But I didn't think I could. My face was already hardening.
My sister knew everything that had happened between me and Jin Jo-hwa. And yet she was deliberately acting. She probably even anticipated that her act would be seen through.
"I wished we'd never meet again, you know. Because of Jin Jo-hwa, high school life is going to get really tiring. The moment I saw her, I felt like throwing up. Even mentioning her name right here makes me feel disgusted."
I tried to restrain myself as I gradually became more emotional, but it wasn't easy. From that day until now, I'd never formed deep relationships with anyone, never met or gotten close to many people, but Jin Jo-hwa was probably the first and last person I'd ever hate and reject this deeply.
But, but you know? If it were just simple hatred and anger, it wouldn't be a big problem. But it wasn't. Besides the hatred and anger, there was something else. Something that made me feel so stifled and afraid. It was driving me crazy. It was my own emotion, yet I didn't understand it.
Hatred.
Anger.
The wish that she'd just disappear from in front of me......!
"......?"
Suddenly, a soft touch made the negative emotions inside me start to die down little by little.
I looked toward the source of that soft touch.
"Noona?"
There was my sister, stroking my head with one hand.
"Good boy, good boy."
"......"
With the sunset at her back, my sister looked radiant.
Even though her appearance wasn't exactly great, she still looked dazzling and beautiful. It was rare for her to look like this, so I just stared blankly, quietly, without a word.
"Jo Yul."
At the gentle call, I came to my senses and answered shortly and indifferently.
"What?"
My habitual indifferent reply should have hurt her feelings, but even so, her hand didn't leave. Instead, an even softer touch soothed my heart.
"Honestly, Noona doesn't know how much pain you've been through. But I can tell that you've been hurt in your heart, and that the pain of that wound isn't ordinary pain. It wouldn't make sense for Noona not to know when her little brother is suffering, right?"
"......"
I couldn't say a word. To be precise, so many thoughts were swirling that I didn't know what to say—that would be the right way to put it.
Once again, my sister was trying to close the distance—should I step back again? Or should I move forward? I still found this kind of atmosphere awkward. Did she not feel that way?
"Mom and Uncle probably know too. Whenever you got big or small wounds, whenever you had big or small worries, they know. Because we're family. It's different from back then. I can guarantee that. You know? Mom and I wonder every day if just looking at you and thinking of you like this can be atonement for you."
"......There's no need to atone. It's all in the past already."
A story that made me a little reluctant came up. So I said that. It wasn't words I didn't mean. Even if I recalled those times now, it was true that I felt no emotion. Because it was all past. But why did she keep bringing up old stories?
"Yeah. Like you said, it's all past. But your wounds still haven't healed, have they? You haven't even tied the knot yet."
"......Stop it."
"Why? I gave my little brother a big wound with my own hands, and I want to heal it."
"I don't care. I'm fine."
"Liar. You're just turning away from the past. Because you don't want to remember, because you're afraid you might get hurt again like back then, you're looking away and avoiding it, aren't you?"
"......No."
No. Absolutely not. Even if lately not knowing myself had become an everyday occurrence, I knew this. I was sure of it.
.
.
.
Probably.
"Jo Yul. As people live, they can hurt someone, and they can get hurt."
"......"
Again. Again, my heart ached.
"People are contradictory creatures. It can't be helped. That's why we also heal each other's wounds."
"......!"
I flinched at the bullseye. My sister, who was stroking my head, probably felt it too.
"I won't say your way is wrong. But I won't say it's right either."
"......"
Words I'd heard just a few hours ago.
"But there's one thing I can be sure of. It might be a year from now, or three years. Someday, you'll regret it—I can be sure of that. Because Noona is feeling that kind of regret too."
"Noona, that's......"
I tried to refute her words with anything I could say.
Don't feel regret.
Don't feel pain.
Don't feel guilt.
But I couldn't continue. Because my sister deliberately cut me off.
"So I hope you don't make the same foolish choice I did. Me, Mom, Uncle—none of us want you to suffer. What family would want their little brother, their son, to get hurt?"
"Noona......"
Was the emotion my sister was feeling now regret? Or pity? Or both? Probably both, I thought. Because to me, she was a weak yet kind sister, so it must be that.
The hand stroking my head disappeared. Feeling a slight sense of loss, I turned around.
"As a family who hopes you'll only feel happiness from now on, let me ask you. Are you really confident you won't regret it? Can you be sure that there won't be any wounds coming from regret later, and that you can endure those wounds?"
"......"
At the words filled with seriousness, kindness, and worry, I couldn't make any guarantee.
As if she knew I wouldn't answer, my sister threw a different question at me.
"Actually, you know too, right?"
"......Know what?"
"Haa."
Whether she didn't like the answer or not, she let out a short sigh and slowly approached me.
"Even if you tell us to stop, Mom and I will keep atoning to you. Because we gave you wounds, we have a duty to heal them. You know how stubborn Noona and Mom are, right? Once we decide something, we won't give up until we achieve it. Even if you cry and cling, we won't stop until your wounds are completely healed. So—"
My sister, who had come right up in front of me, smiled like a mischievous kid and pinched my cheeks to force a smile. It hurt.
"—I believe in you. Unlike foolish me, you'll choose the option that fills your lips with a smile."
Even though it was a rough action, it didn't feel bad.
Nothing had been resolved. There were still many problems left to solve, and issues that needed to be seen through to the end. It wasn't like the hint to the answer was clearly visible either. Rather, it was more accurate to say my feelings had gotten more complicated.
"Whoa! What are you doing!"
"Call it revenge?"
I grabbed both of my sister's cheeks with both hands and stretched them this way and that, kneading them like clay. Ah. So soft.
"You!"
I easily dodged all the hands that came at me with effort.
"You're the little brother, so don't dodge!"
"Back then I was a weak little brother."
"You're still the little brother!"
Enjoying the present with an ambiguous feeling of whether it hurt or was fun, I smiled a little.
"That's a story of the past."
"Late again. What happened to the promise from a few days ago?"
"Ahaha...... Well, I'm sorry."
"I can guess why you're late, but still, you have to keep promises. No matter how the situation is, there's no just letting it slide. No objections?"
"Yes."
As expected, she wouldn't just let it go.
The homeroom teacher gave me a knuckle to the head with the same smile as our first meeting, but it didn't hurt.
"Do you have anything particular planned for lunchtime?"
"No."
"You eat lunch quickly?"
"It depends on the time, but usually I eat late or just grab something from the snack bar."
"I see."
Judging by the questions, it seemed like she was going to make me do something simple during lunch. What on earth was it that she was hesitating over? I'd clearly heard it was a light punishment. Whatever it was, I decided to wait quietly.
"There's not much time left until first period, so go back to the classroom and prepare for class."
"Yes."
I gave a light greeting and was about to turn and take a step when—
"Jo Yul, do you have your phone with you right now?"
—an urgent question came from behind.
I stopped and fell into a short thought.
I thought that question had two intentions. The first was to tell me what the light punishment would be over the phone. That was an obvious intention anyone could see. Now the second intention remained. If I answered positively, she might think something strange and get suspicious, I thought, but then I decided to erase the second intention from my mind. Because I knew what kind of person the homeroom teacher was.
"Yes."
"Good. I'll let you know by phone after first period, so make sure to pick up the call then, okay? Don't deliberately not answer and then make excuses like you put your phone in your bag and didn't hear it, or you were sleeping and missed it. Got it?"
"Of course."
I answered immediately because I could tell right away what meaning was in the homeroom teacher's smile. If I didn't pick up, a bigger disadvantage would come my way.