What Am I Supposed to Do?
What was I supposed to do?
The past I'd long forgotten flashed through my mind like a revolving lantern—the good times spent with a friend, the agony of betrayal, the sight of Jin Jo-hwa turning her back on me, and the way that enormous wound had changed who I was.
Everything had started with Jin Jo-hwa. Yeah. The reason I'd become like this was all because of you. If only you hadn't lied back then...!
"I haven't changed...? Are you just spouting whatever comes out of that hole in your face? Or are you pretending not to know while deliberately provoking me? Do you have any idea how much pain I've suffered and how much I've changed because of you? What did you just say? That I haven't changed?!"
"S-sorry! I didn't mean it that way—I just... without thinking..."
Jin Jo-hwa scrambled to beg for forgiveness, but the ship had already left the harbor. Once words left your mouth, there was no taking them back.
"Seeing someone who lives every single day as a fake, pretentious human being offer a heartfelt apology... I guess even you still have a scrap of conscience left, huh?"
"......"
Eyes filled with rage locked onto Jin Jo-hwa as their target.
Still, she was quick enough to say she was sorry. In the past, receiving forgiveness or an apology from her had never been easy. Because she was always the excellent one, Jin Jo-hwa was always right—even when it was all just pretense. That was why seeing her apologize to anyone had never been a common sight. And yet, within a few minutes, I had received two apologies from her. Was this proof that she had changed? Or was she asking for forgiveness because she truly felt sorry? I couldn't be sure of either, but even if she sincerely regretted it and begged for forgiveness, that wouldn't erase the past, my rage, or my hatred. My wound ran far too deep for that.
"You say you're sorry? Then live a little more conscientiously. Do I really have to beg you like this? Does the person you wounded so deeply have to get down on his knees and plead before you'll disappear from my sight? I'm asking you. Please, just treat me like a stranger. Okay? Treat me like I don't exist—like I'm invisible! I don't want to see your face. I don't even want to hear your voice. Just being in the same space as you makes every single memory from back then come flooding back, and it torments me! It disgusts me so much I want to throw up—it drives me insane! So please, just disappear from in front of me. I told you that back then, didn't I?"
"......"
To Jin Jo-hwa, who stared up at me blankly with a look of utter desolation, I said something I would never have said under normal circumstances.
I said it to the very person who had given me the conviction that I don't want to get hurt by anyone, and I don't want to hurt anyone either—the person I hated more than anyone and wanted to avoid above all else.
"I don't want to be involved with you anymore. Why don't you just go your own way? I want to go mine too. Don't tell me you've already forgotten what I said back then?"
"!"
She had been hanging her head in desolation, but now she lifted it and looked at me.
With trembling eyes.
"N-no! I haven't forgotten. I'm sorry—I'm truly sorry! It was all my fault. I'll do anything you tell me to. So please, just don't say things like that!"
The way she clung and begged was pathetic and nauseating. If anyone else had seen her like this, what would they have said?
In a voice stripped of all emotion, staring straight ahead, I spoke.
"......Let's stop. I'm tired too. Let's end this now. Between you and me and our past, there was nothing. You and I are strangers."
"I'm really sorry. I've thought about it a lot ever since that day. If—if I could only meet you again, what should I say? How should I apologize? Would I even be able to atone to you? Even if it took years to make amends, would I be able to earn your forgiveness? That's what I kept thinking. But now that we're actually face to face, nothing comes to mind except how sorry I am. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. You don't have to forgive me right now. Just... give me one chance. Don't turn away from me..."
"Stop!"
I had listened to every word she strung together, yet nothing but rage took root inside me. The longer I listened, the more I felt like I was going to lose my mind. So I shouted. It probably carried all the way out into the hallway.
But right now I had no room to care about that. Rage had seized control of my reason.
"I don't understand why you're so obsessed with me. So could you please just shut that mouth of yours? I don't need forgiveness or anything else. I don't want to go back to the relationship we had in the past, and I haven't once thought about it since that day! The betrayal I felt from you that day! The wound in my heart! It still torments me. Do you get that? Even after five years, it still torments me. Because of that wound, I became like this! And you think I'd forgive you so easily? Just breathing the same air as you makes me want to vomit. Just disappear from in front of me already."
"......"
It was far too quiet.
In that silence I tried to keep staring straight ahead—I fought desperately to do so—but in the end I turned my gaze away.
I saw tears rolling down her cheeks. Yet in contrast, Jin Jo-hwa was struggling to force a smile onto her face.
Was it because I had seen that contradictory expression? Or because I had finally vented my emotions? The heat in my chest cooled, and calm began to return.
"You... go back to the classroom. I'll take care of the rest."
"Okay..."
In that single word of reply, I felt a tangle of different emotions.
Had she used pretense to hide something else? I couldn't tell.
I slammed the door shut behind me and immediately slumped against the wall, sliding down until I sat on the floor. The cold surface greeted me.
My head and my heart were both hollow. I had moved on pure emotion. I had released everything and said everything I wanted to say, thinking that would make me feel better. So what was this emptiness? What was this feeling that left nothing behind?
The pain still hadn't gone away. It felt so tightly blocked that I could barely breathe, and it hurt as if something were tearing me apart...! It was enough to drive me insane. Because of that alien, terrifying sensation that my heart was about to burst, I couldn't see anything and couldn't hear anything.
From the pain, I clutched my chest with both hands.
I stayed like that, believing that time would heal me, and I kept enduring the pain.
I turned away from the pain.
I averted my eyes from it.
But the pain showed no sign of disappearing.
Clinging to my fraying reason, I staggered to my feet. Then I walked. I walked without destination. I walked wherever my feet took me. I couldn't remember where I had wandered, but I could still vaguely sense that the weather remained fine.
I knew that what I was feeling now was the pain blooming from an old wound. But I had no idea how to make it go away. Why did this kind of pain even exist?! It was strangely different from the pain of simply recalling that day in the past, and that only made my head spin worse.
It was pain—yes. But it wasn't that severe. The feeling of being so tightly blocked and stifled that my heart felt ready to explode was worse than the pain itself. I couldn't tell where this sensation had come from. I couldn't even guess. It wasn't familiar, and I had never felt anything like it before.
As time passed, the stifling feeling only continued. The more it did, the more it felt as if my breath were being cut off completely.
"Jo Yul?"
I had been walking without purpose or thought when someone's voice calling my name stopped me in my tracks. I looked toward the sound.
"Is something wrong? You look pale."
My homeroom teacher studied my face with concern.
As if possessed, I answered in a daze.
"It hurts. My chest hurts. My heart hurts. But there's another feeling on top of that. It feels so tightly blocked and stifling, like my heart is about to burst, and I have no idea why. I'm scared. I'm so scared I don't know what to do. I thought it would get better with time, but it hasn't gotten better at all."
"First, calm down."
She placed both of her warm hands firmly on my shoulders.
"And don't run away."
"?"
I couldn't understand. Don't run away from the wound? Why? Accepting the wound hurt. I hated hurting. It scared me. I never wanted to go through something like that again! I was terrified of being hurt by someone. I didn't want to feel pain. Why did I have to hurt?! What had I done wrong that I had to suffer?! Why?! Why did I, who had done nothing wrong, have to feel this pain?!
"First, stay calm and look at me properly, will you?"
"......?"
I looked at her with trembling eyes.
"Everyone gets wounded. I don't know how deep yours is. I also know I can't heal it for you. But don't turn your eyes away. People hurt each other, but they also heal each other. So don't look away from reality. Accept the wound. Just because you turn your eyes away doesn't mean the wound, the heart, or the feelings disappear. They just keep piling up somewhere you can't see. So don't look away. Accept everything. You're not alone."
"!"
"I'm here. Your family is here. There are plenty of other people who will help you. So even if it's hard to bear alone, don't turn your eyes away from reality."
"Teacher..."
My trembling eyes began to find their focus.
The pounding of my heart, which had been thrashing wildly, gradually returned to normal.
It was strange. I had been so unstable, yet under my homeroom teacher's care I settled down almost at once. Her uniquely warm presence was simply too comforting.
"It's more serious than I thought. I had heard that things between the two of you were bad, but..."
"?"
Before I could even properly gather my exhausted heart, her words planted a question in me.
She had spoken as if she already knew about my past with Jin Jo-hwa.
"What exactly is going on? Who told you about my past with Jin Jo-hwa, and why do you keep trying to push us together?"
"Do you really not know?"
"......No."
"I thought it would be nice if things changed all at once, but of course it isn't that easy. Changing even one small thing about a person is hard enough, so I suppose this result was inevitable."
"?"
Who was that remark directed at?
"Do you really want to hear it? Jo-hwa didn't seem particularly eager to hide it from you. If you want, I'll tell you everything."
"......"
Standing at the crossroads of choice, I hesitated.
I had the feeling that whichever choice I made would drastically change the future. No—it would definitely change. It was already changing to some degree, for better or worse, because I kept getting involved with Jin Jo-hwa.
While I was still hesitating, my homeroom teacher proposed a deal.
"Then how about this? I'll tell you one fact you want to know. In exchange, you tell me everything that happened between you and Jo-hwa in the past—without leaving anything out."
"?"
I couldn't grasp the intent behind the deal.
I assumed my homeroom teacher had already heard the story of the past from Jin Jo-hwa. So why did she want to hear it again? What did she stand to gain from this trade?
No matter how hard I thought, it was a deal with no apparent benefit for her.
The more I tried to understand, the less I understood.
"Why are you proposing a deal like that?"
She answered with her characteristic warm smile.
"Hmm—I don't think I can answer that. But if you accept the deal, I'll throw that in as a bonus."
"......"
At the crossroads of choice, new doubts arose.
My homeroom teacher looked far more skilled at negotiation than her gentle exterior suggested.
To hold the upper hand in a deal, you first had to know your opponent well—their current mental state, their intentions, every shift in their emotions. But I knew nothing. And trying to read her on the spot was impossible; I couldn't parse her psychology at all. I had no usable method right now. So I would change my goal.
I had already realized this was a deal in which I could not seize the advantage.
Then how could I increase the benefit that came to me?
How could I obtain the future I wanted?
How could I keep my convictions intact while still walking in a better direction?
At the end of my deliberation, I fixed my gaze steadily on my homeroom teacher.
"?"
Even the small reaction of her tilting her head was something I could not afford to take lightly. Was that blank look genuine or false? Was it a different kind of pretense from Jin Jo-hwa's, or did she have no pretense at all? I couldn't tell.
The homeroom teacher I knew was not the sort of person who would show a student pretense in a situation like this. But the problem was that I couldn't guarantee that assessment was one hundred percent correct either.
"Shall I give you a little more time?"
Even that remark revealed a great deal—a sense of leisure, and the feeling that she held something in reserve. Whether the latter was real or false, I couldn't know. Was she trying to rob me of my composure? If so, all I had to do was refuse to fall for it.
"No. Let's decide right now."
"That's unexpected. I thought you'd deliberate a bit longer."
Here I decided to step slightly off the rails. I would nudge the topic of conversation onto a side path. So I asked her directly.
"Why are you helping Jin Jo-hwa, Teacher?"
"You're suddenly changing the subject. So what does that mean?"
I started to analyze what meaning might be packed into her counter-question, then stopped. Thoughts outside my purpose would only hurt me. For the sake of my goal, I had to think and act only within its bounds.
Then I would ask something more direct and specific.
"I'm asking what benefit you gain by helping Jin Jo-hwa. From where I stand, it doesn't look like there's anything in it for you."
"Because that's what I wish for."