What Should I Do?
What was I supposed to do?
The moment my eyes were about to meet Jin Jo-hwa’s, I looked away.
“I’m going somewhere else.”
I left those short words behind and turned my back without a shred of hesitation.
“W-wait!”
Yoon Narae’s flustered voice called out from behind me, but I didn’t stop walking. I felt grateful to her, sure. But that was that, and this was this.
The second I sat down in an empty corner seat, I picked up my spoon.
I hadn’t known the two of them were friends at all. It wasn’t so much a lack of observation as it was my habit of not paying much attention to other people—an oversight born of that. Learning something new was fine, but dealing with Jin Jo-hwa was already hard enough. The thought that I might now have to deal with the homeroom teacher and Yoon Narae on top of her left me drained.
The harder a problem got, the narrower the options became, and eventually the time would come when I’d have to break my own principles.
Breaking those principles meant choosing extreme methods, and extreme methods meant I might end up hurting someone else. That was exactly why I wanted to avoid that path at all costs.
If I hurt someone else, I would get hurt too.
I hated emotional wounds. I was sick of them. Once was more than enough.
I finished lunch in a hurry, slipped out of the cafeteria, and headed into the classroom. For some reason the two of them had arrived before me, but I ignored that and started observing.
I couldn’t remember a single thing from fifth period onward. I hadn’t wanted to, but from lunch until now I had been watching Jin Jo-hwa the entire time.
The results weren’t great.
Aside from the fact that the two of them were closer than I’d expected, I hadn’t learned much of anything. Ah—there was one more thing. When Jin Jo-hwa dealt with Yoon Narae, her pretense thinned out. That had surprised me a little.
With an observation that yielded almost no real harvest, I was wondering what to do next when my phone vibrated. Who was it?
“?”
I pulled out my smartphone and saw it was a call from my sister.
Not knowing what it was about, I decided to answer for now. There was still plenty of break left.
“What?”
“Sorry, but could you buy some ramen on your way home? We’re out at the house.”
“Yeah. No.”
I cut the request off cold.
It was a hassle, and more than that, there was almost nothing in it for me. If she needed it that badly she could go buy it herself. She was clearly just being lazy and dumping it on me. She hadn’t been like this back when she was still in high school. How had she turned into this? It almost made me want to cry.
“You’re so mean!”
“Mean? What’s mean about it? How long does it even take to go buy ramen?”
I shot back at her grumbling, but the grumbling didn’t stop.
I couldn’t just hang up like this either. Ah—right. There was that method.
“What’s the errand fee?”
“You already took thirteen thousand five hundred won yesterday!”
“That was that, and this is this. If you don’t like it, forget it.”
I was fine either way—doing it or not—so I deliberately stayed on the line and waited for her answer.
My sister made a thoughtful little sound, then spoke like she’d lost.
“…Fine. I’ll give you some. But not a lot.”
“Got it. Deal.”
A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth.
“Where did my cute, lovable little brother go, and when did he turn into this capitalist? As your big sister, I’m so sad. Sob sob sob.”
If you’re going to fake-cry, at least do it properly. That was painfully awkward.
“I’m hanging up. Class is starting.”
“Okay. You’ll keep the promise, right?”
“Is there any need to even ask? It’s a deal.”
I ended the call with a win.
I was always grateful to my sister. Whether we were making deals or anything else, she always gave in, always lost on purpose, always looked out for me. She probably thought of it as her own form of atonement. I still couldn’t understand what she thought she still needed to atone for that she would go this far.
The moment I hung up, the bell for the start of class rang.
“Right… next period is the homeroom teacher’s class.”
“Everyone, please pay attention.”
Almost before the words finished, the homeroom teacher walked into the classroom, stood at the podium, and opened her mouth.
“Seventh period today will be used as cleaning time. I’ll tell you each of your assigned areas now.”
Was I supposed to take this as the school’s version of consideration for us?
From a student’s point of view it was welcome news compared to actual class. But I didn’t let my guard down. The reason was obvious if you looked at the way the homeroom teacher had been trying to push me and Jin Jo-hwa together until now. She probably had the same intention this time too, didn’t she?
“I’m going to call out the assigned areas and the names of the people cleaning them, so listen carefully. Counseling room cleaning: Jo Yul, Jin Jo-hwa. Classroom cleaning is—”
Just as calculated. The only unexpected part was that my name and Jin Jo-hwa’s came out first. I’d expected us to be called last. It didn’t really mean anything, so I let it go.
I checked on Jin Jo-hwa from the seat behind her, but she didn’t seem particularly surprised or flustered. Her pretense was top-tier; without seeing her face you wouldn’t know. But when I put all my guesses together, it made sense that she wouldn’t be surprised or flustered. Of course, that was only if my guesses were right.
And one certainty settled in.
With this, it was clear that the homeroom teacher was also one of Jin Jo-hwa’s allies. That was actually pretty good information. Knowing exactly who I needed to be wary of meant I could move more effectively.
All that was left was figuring out the goal, but that wasn’t as easy as it sounded. That didn’t mean there were no methods at all. The problem was how long my reason would hold out.
“—That’s everything. All right. Everyone head to your areas now.”
After finishing the assignments, the homeroom teacher announced the start of cleaning.
“Tsk.”
I didn’t want to accept the current situation, but there was no choice.
I wanted to ask what on earth she was thinking, pairing me with Jin Jo-hwa like this, but I already knew she wasn’t the type to give an easy answer. If there was one thing I wanted to say to the homeroom teacher, it was that keeping creating situations like this wasn’t a particularly good choice for me or for Jin Jo-hwa.
I stood up, grabbed a mop first, and quickly slipped out of the classroom. Getting out with momentum was fine, but then I stopped. I didn’t know where the counseling room was.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Not cleaning just because I didn’t want to run into her wasn’t a good choice. I could kill some time and then finish the counseling room cleaning alone, but I had no idea whether Jin Jo-hwa would sweep or wipe. Asking her or discussing it beforehand was absolutely out of the question.
Right now I was a rat cornered with nowhere to go.
I was turning it over in my head when someone in front of me tugged on my sleeve.
“?”
“The counseling room is this way.”
The one pulling my sleeve was Jin Jo-hwa.
The sight of it filled me with enough irritation that I put real feeling into the words I spat out.
“…You could at least have a little less sense. Tsk. Let go.”
“You don’t know where the counseling room is, do you?”
“You sweep. I’ll wipe later.”
“No.”
“Let go while I’m still asking nicely.”
“No.”
“Stop being annoying and let go!”
“No.”
In a flash of anger I roughly shook her hand off. Jin Jo-hwa only answered more boldly.
“What are you trying to do? Are you not going to clean?”
I couldn’t believe she was asking so boldly when she could clearly see I was angry. The way she kept talking to me was seriously getting on my nerves.
Just sharing the same space and breathing the same air as you was already irritating enough. What did I look like in your eyes that you could act this boldly?
I didn’t know if you were noticing and pretending not to, or what, but please stop. It was really pissing me off. Your face, your voice—no. Just you yourself was irritating!
I wished you would just disappear from in front of me!
There were so many things I wanted to scream with every emotion I had, but I forced them all down and spoke.
“What does it matter to you what I do? You just sweep and then disappear from my sight. Perfect timing—you already brought a broom. Then I’ll disappear for you. Sweep hard.”
“Should I tell the teacher?”
“Do whatever you want.”
I wasn’t planning to skip cleaning entirely, so I didn’t think there was any real reason to get scolded.
More than that, it was getting dangerous.
My reason had hit its limit.
I didn’t want to get emotional in the middle of a hallway full of eyes. That would only tank my own reputation. People would say I had a trash personality, or weird rumors would spread. Obviously. Anyone who saw a male student yelling at a female student with real emotion would think that. So I really wished she would just disappear from my field of vision, but it didn’t look like she was going to.
While I was desperately holding my emotions down, a deep sigh reached my ears.
“Haa……. Look, I know you resent me. I can tell from your actions and your voice. Do you hate me that much……?”
“……”
It was an obvious truth. So I didn’t give any answer to the careful question.
Yeah. That’s right. I hate you enough that I want you to disappear from in front of me right now. I resent and hate you that much! So please, stop provoking me. Just your existence becomes a huge provocation the closer you get to me.
“What do you want me to do……?”
Did I really have to say it out loud for you to know? You idiot. Take a hint already.
“……”
“Can’t you see me?”
“……”
I kept ignoring her. I didn’t feel she was worth answering.
“Can’t you hear my voice……?”
Was she about to cry? Whether she dropped tears or not didn’t matter, but I could feel a lot of emotions.
Sadness.
Anxiety.
Guilt.
So what? Did anything change just because I felt those emotions? Ah. Maybe all of those feelings were pretense too. How fake a life had she lived that even the real her was invisible? Impressive, really.
“Please don’t do this! Just say something, okay? You can curse me out or tear me down, I don’t care, just say one word. Please……! The way you won’t even look at me is……, it’s—the worst for me……!”
I had turned my back because my emotions felt like they were about to explode, but I still felt everything.
If before it had been sadness, anxiety, and guilt, now it was impatience, anxiety, and anger.
Anger? Anger……? It was absurd. The person who had made me like this was the one holding anger?
There was a limit to how much you could reverse the roles!
My clenched fists trembled with force, and the teeth I was grinding felt like they might shatter.
“…Stop it.”
“I still have a lot to say.”
“I don’t.”
“I do. So listen.”
“Are you deaf? I said no.”
“I clearly said no too.”
“…That stubbornness of yours is so irritating, so just get lost! Stop clinging like a leech!”
“You know better than anyone what kind of person I am, don’t you?”
That meant she would never back off until she achieved her goal.
In a flash of rising emotion I spun around.
“!”
I was startled by the provocative smile on Jin Jo-hwa’s face.
And I understood.
Ha. Hahaha. So everything until now was acting, pretense? The sadness, the guilt, all of it? And I was just dancing on the palm of your hand?
It was absurd.
And anger started to rise.
She should have been bowing her head and apologizing, and instead she was deceiving me with pretense?!
I was about to ride the wave of emotion and explode, but the many gazes I could feel around us stopped me.
Damn it!
Jin Jo-hwa was taking my glare full of negative emotion head-on, as if telling me to follow her. Those eyes were truly nauseating.
The countless gazes of the audience held interest, curiosity, and intrigue.
“…This is what you were aiming for?”
She nodded without erasing the provocative smile from her lips. It was completely different from how she had looked that morning. Had the weak appearance from the morning been the pretense? Or maybe the current one was. If not that either—had it all been pretense……?
There were so many things I couldn’t know, but there were also things I could. Looking at the current situation, following Jin Jo-hwa was the wise choice. It was frustrating, but there was no other way.
“Just like you know me well, I know you well too. I can tell what you want right now from your actions. You……, you’re still the same as back then, aren’t you?”
“Shut up and just go to the counseling room.”
“Fine. If that’s what you want.”
How long did I walk while staring at the back of Jin Jo-hwa’s head? We finally arrived at the counseling room.
She went in first, opened the window, and spoke.
“We both have a lot to say, but let’s clean first.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“I do. Whatever the case, let’s clean first.”
I didn’t like the way she was holding a broom full of motivation. Of course I didn’t—I didn’t like her herself, so there was no helping it.
I poured every emotion I was feeling right then into my gaze and glared at her.
“What?”
She must have felt the stare; she stopped sweeping and turned around.
“Being with you is unpleasant and irritating.”
I had a lot of complaints about not being able to leave because of someone.
“You really haven’t changed at all……”
“!”
In that instant, my reason snapped clean off.