What Should I Do?
What should I do to make this better?
“......Get out of my way.”
“Jo Yul, please......”
That was all I could hear of the raw anguish in her voice, strained to its absolute limit by fury. Everything else was pure rage and hatred.
“Disappear from in front of me!”
“I won’t move! Not until you look me straight in the eye!”
“......”
Did this idiot even realize what she was doing? I couldn’t understand why she kept acting so clueless. Holding my emotions down was already hard enough. Now I didn’t know anymore either.
The moment those suppressed negative feelings broke free, what little reason I had left fired off a warning.
Get that face out of my sight.
Shut that voice up.
Otherwise the old wounds will open again.
Otherwise that same terrible pain from the past will wrap itself around you.
Otherwise you’ll end up repeating the exact same thing that happened before.
That was what it said.
“Look at me properly! If you’re going to curse me out, do it while looking at me. Don’t ignore me. I’ll apologize for everything I did wrong. So please, just give me a chance.”
“......”
My chest felt like it was about to tear open. My breath caught in my throat and a headache came crashing in.
Everything from back then was trying to surface again.
“If you had any conscience left, you wouldn’t say something like that......”
“?”
“A chance? Do you actually think you deserve even a single chance?”
“Th-that’s......!”
“See? You can’t even decide for yourself whether you deserve one chance. And you still think I—the victim—would give you one? You?”
“......”
She stayed silent in front of my rage, as if she knew there was nothing left to say. Right. This was the kind of relationship we had. Keeping it this way was better for both of us. So don’t come any closer.
Dragging this out wouldn’t help anyone, and showing consideration would only make her cling harder. In that case, I just had to throw the consideration away.
“Let’s end it here.”
“!”
“I refuse to take the same wound again, and I’m sick of even remembering the old one. Just recalling those memories from the past is already......!”
I couldn’t finish the sentence.
If I kept talking...... I was afraid I really would remember everything from back then.
The old memories.
The old wounds.
The old ties.
It hurt and it terrified me—the reality of having to face all of that again and accept it.
So I had turned my eyes away and buried every single thing from that day deep, deep in a corner of my memory.
But Jin Jo-hwa’s appearance was dragging all of it back up again.
The memories, the wounds, the ties, the happy times, the pain—all of it.
“Stop tormenting me any further. Let’s not hurt each other anymore. Get that through your head!”
“......”
Complete silence. No reaction at all.
Maybe she was in shock. Not that it had anything to do with me.
“I’m going first.”
“......”
I started walking toward the teachers’ office.
I had thought yelling everything I wanted to say would make me feel better, but it didn’t. Far from clearing anything up, it only made things more complicated.
I definitely hated Jin Jo-hwa. And yet somehow it felt like I was still thinking about her, still being considerate of her—like that. Just my imagination, right? It had to be.
“......I don’t know.”
I really didn’t know.
What the hell did I even want? Why was I like this?
Even while those contradictory feelings kept tormenting me, my feet naturally carried me toward my homeroom teacher’s desk.
“Figures.”
I wondered why two people were needed just to fetch some handouts. Especially since so many had already been handed out on entrance day, I hadn’t expected there to be much left. Sure enough, it was an amount one person could easily carry alone.
That same foul feeling I’d gotten in the classroom earlier came back.
There was definitely some kind of connection between the two of them.
Say there was something between those two. Then that meant I was involved in it somehow too. What benefit would the homeroom teacher get from tying me and Jin Jo-hwa together? No—first I needed to figure out what the actual goal was. But I couldn’t even grasp that.
“......”
No matter how hard I thought, nothing came to mind.
The only option left was to move myself and find out. Act for my own benefit. That was easy to say, but would moving actually bring me any gain? No one knew how it would turn out, yet compared to just sitting still it still seemed like the wiser choice.
“This is going to get pretty annoying and complicated, so for now I’ll just empty my head.”
I muttered to myself and carefully cleared my mind.
On the way back to the classroom Jin Jo-hwa was nowhere in sight, but I didn’t go looking for her. We weren’t the kind of people who needed that kind of consideration.
When I returned alone, the homeroom teacher tilted her head and asked,
“Where’s Jo-hwa?”
I thought about how to answer, but nothing good came to mind, so I just made something up.
“She said she needed to use the bathroom for a second.”
“I see. Got it. Thanks for running the errand.”
I sat down and was staring out the window when the front door of the classroom burst open with a noisy clatter.
“I’m sorry. I, um—”
“It’s fine. Jo Yul already explained everything. Hurry and take your seat.”
“......What? Jo Yul did?”
“Yes.”
That pretense. It really grated on my ears. Her voice alone was already irritating, and layering the fake act on top of it made me want to throw up.
I wiped the corners of my eyes with a handkerchief again and put on the carefully crafted mask.
Once everything was ready, I opened the classroom door and delivered the line I had prepared in advance.
“I’m sorry. I, um—”
I acted so that no one would see the me of right now. So that no one would look at the real me. So that they wouldn’t see the real me—so I could say I wasn’t a bad kid, that I hadn’t done anything weird or tried to skip class, so please keep loving me endlessly and keep paying attention to me. But my homeroom teacher’s words left me speechless.
“It’s fine. Jo Yul already explained everything. Hurry and take your seat.”
It was definitely Korean, yet I couldn’t understand it. So I asked again.
“......What? Jo Yul did?”
“Yes.”
What on earth had he said that no one felt any dissatisfaction or suspicion?
I took in the sight of Jo Yul staring out the window. Looking out the window—same as back then, same as now.
He had been so angry earlier, so why had he covered for me? No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t understand. Had it just been a whim?
Remembering what had happened just a moment ago made the corners of my eyes threaten to grow wet again, so I cut the thought off.
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand Jo Yul’s heart. Ever since that day I had also regretted it deeply and suffered under the guilt.
I had lived all this time with the resolve that if I ever met him I would definitely apologize.
But the moment I actually faced him, the situation changed. Everything except one single thing had gone exactly as I expected—yet my own emotions were completely different from what I had anticipated.
Anger and resentment, and also guilt—contradictory feelings that couldn’t coexist had all bloomed at once.
I had prepared myself countless times for the confusion and the pain those contradictory emotions would bring, yet the reality was so painful I didn’t show it outwardly. No—I couldn’t show it. The pain he had suffered couldn’t even be compared to what I was going through.
“Haa......”
I let out a sigh at the truth that was unfolding so differently from my expectations and at the incomprehensible contradictory feelings, then returned to my seat.
“......”
When I opened my eyes and sat up, the classroom was noisy and bustling.
I couldn’t remember when I had fallen asleep, but the fact that I had slept was clear. My hazy mind and still-heavy eyelids told me that much.
I had probably dozed off from the stress of trying to sort through too many complicated, incomprehensible situations and emotions. Whether someone had tried to wake me in the middle or not, I didn’t know—but they probably had. What teacher would just leave a student sleeping through all of fourth period? They must have tried to wake me, then given up when I wouldn’t rise, or maybe docked points. I had no way of knowing. The truth was that for the past two days nothing but tiring things had happened, so I hadn’t slept properly even once; that was probably why I hadn’t woken even when someone tried.
I shook my head left and right to clear it, and while I was doing that a shadow fell across my face.
Who?
I looked up and saw a familiar face.
“Hi. Sleep well?”
Yoon Narae.
Did she have some business with me?
“Do you need something?”
If I wanted to secure the school life I desperately hoped for, I figured it was best to sever every connection in advance. So I deliberately spoke without looking at her, completely expressionless. I thought that kind of attitude would at least annoy her enough to make her lose interest—but that had been a foolish hope.
“If you’re asking whether I have business, then yes. I do. Personal business, though.”
She showed me a smile that felt somehow awkward. The same smile I had seen a few times that morning.
I didn’t know what this “personal business” was, but if she had something private to discuss with me, then I had no reason to go along with it.
“I don’t know what it is, but if it’s personal then I’ll pass. See you.”
I was just about to stand when a small, slender hand settled firmly on my shoulder.
“?”
I only turned my head. With her other hand she pointed at the clock.
The hands were racing toward 12:40.
“There’s twenty minutes of lunch left.”
“......”
“Do you know where the cafeteria is?”
“......”
“Then want to go eat together? I haven’t eaten yet either because of the teacher’s errand.”
“......”
I was left speechless, but I still tried to ignore her and walk away. Her intention was obvious. I had zero desire to get close to anyone.
But the hand gripping my shoulder tightly stopped me. I could have shaken it off easily enough, yet there were too many eyes watching. If I brushed her hand away here, my reputation would drop, and that would immediately become a disadvantage for me.
“......Fine, I’ll go.”
“Great. Hehe.”
She beamed and took the lead.
“Follow me. The cafeteria’s in a surprisingly hard-to-spot place.”
“Yeah.”
As I followed behind her I thought.
Other than the fact that she was a small, slender girl named Yoon Narae, I knew nothing about her. And I didn’t want to know. But from the moment I had decided to move myself and gather information, letting my guard down was forbidden. The fact that she had approached someone who was openly radiating “don’t come near me” energy was suspicious enough on its own.
“Aren’t you curious, though?”
The sudden question didn’t rattle me.
“About what.”
“How many points you got docked.”
“......”
I had been extremely curious, but I had deliberately not asked. I was worried that even chatting about something trivial might create the tiniest connection. Whether she had aimed for it or it was pure coincidence, a connection was starting to form anyway.
I didn’t want to talk, yet contrary to my wishes she kept going.
“Every teacher who came in for class docked points.”
“......Damn.”
Even if I didn’t look like it, I was fairly sensitive about grades.
“To be precise, they almost did.”
“?”
“Jo-hwa spoke up for you instead.”
“Jin...... Jo-hwa?”
The name I didn’t want to hear made my face twist.
Why was that name coming up here. Just great for my mood.
“Yeah. Jin Jo-hwa of Class 3, the first-year receiving the most love among the new students.”
“......”
Love, my ass. I wondered if they’d still say that if they knew the face they were seeing was pure pretense.
I dug through my pocket for earphones, thinking I’d just plug them in. The cord was tangled in an ugly knot. My mood was only going to get worse, so listening to music would be a thousand times better.
“She explained the reason you were tired and the relationship between the two of you. Desperately, too. The teachers and the kids in class thought it was a little weird, but they accepted it and moved on.”
“......”
My hands, which had been untangling the earphone cord, stopped.
What was that supposed to mean? How did Jin Jo-hwa know why I was tired? By what means? And the relationship between me and Jin Jo-hwa? That was complete nonsense.
“What are you talking about?”
“In short, she lied. For your sake.”
The way she grinned as if something was funny really rubbed me the wrong way.
Before I knew it we had arrived; we stepped into the cafeteria and picked up trays.
There was no reason for Jin Jo-hwa to go as far as lying to cover for me. I tried to figure out what meaning that action could possibly have, but I couldn’t. Everything was incomprehensible, so my head twisted into complicated knots. It wasn’t even exam period, yet my mind was this dizzy.
“Then what about the other part?”
“?”
I had cut off the beginning and end in my hurry, so maybe she hadn’t understood.
“What did Jin Jo-hwa say our relationship was?”
After I finished speaking I swallowed hard.
With every second that passed I could hear my heartbeat growing faster.
“Very close friends.”
“......”
Was achieving even one small wish this hard? Because everything had come easily until now, it felt even bigger.
If Jin Jo-hwa—who was receiving everyone’s attention and affection—had said something like that, then a lot of attention would fall on me too. Countless threads of connection would try to tie themselves to me. Of course I would cut those threads, but the problem was that I could already see the long road of effort and suffering it would take to sever each one.
Thinking of that clearly difficult path ahead, I finished getting my food and followed Yoon Narae with my tray.
And then I had no choice but to stop dead.
“......”
“......”
Of all the many seats available, it just had to be the one where Jin Jo-hwa was sitting.