Don't Touch Me
What should I do?
Complex emotions centered on disappointment came through in her voice, but my resolve remained unchanged.
“I have personal circumstances of my own, so please understand just this once. I’m sorry.”
She would understand. She knew me better than anyone.
“……But if you really get into trouble, you have to ask for help, okay?”
I knew exactly what those words meant.
She knew better than anyone that I liked making deals.
Right now, my sister was saying this:
Okay. I’ll go along with what you say for now. But if time passes and your worries still aren’t resolved, don’t keep carrying it all alone—you have to ask for help. Alright? This is a contract. Promise me.
Something like that.
Because she was always thinking of others and wanted to help, she hated seeing the people around her get hurt. Especially if it was family. That was why she kept stubbornly insisting, prepared to be hated—afraid that I would take everything on myself again, get hurt, and suffer.
That was why, no matter how hard I tried to dislike her, I couldn’t. There was still a bit of distance between us, though.
“Yeah. I got it, so hang up.”
“Okay. Good. I like that answer.”
“Got it.”
With that, I ended the call and turned my steps toward the park to head home.
I was waiting in front of the teachers’ office with Yoon Narae, a girl from my class, to receive the textbooks.
Seniors and classmates were also waiting their turn outside the office.
While the students waited, the male teachers sorted the textbooks by grade. After a short while, lines formed for each year.
Students began receiving their textbooks in an orderly fashion, starting from Class 1.
“Next, first-year Class 3.”
“Yes.”
At the call for first-year Class 3, we pulled the cart over, and Yoon Narae suddenly stepped forward, saying she would take the textbooks. The male teacher distributing them looked dumbfounded and asked,
“Are you really going to take them?”
“Yes.”
“These are really heavy.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’m saying this because you might get hurt. Don’t push yourself—leave it to the guy behind you. Hey, you, don’t just stand there blankly. Switch with her.”
“Yes.”
I switched roles as the teacher instructed.
I took the textbook bundles and stacked them neatly on the cart. There wasn’t quite enough space for every bundle, so if I just dumped them in, they wouldn’t all fit.
“Sorry I’m not much help.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
I answered shortly and kept loading the textbook bundles onto the cart.
The bundles were too heavy for a girl to carry alone. Carrying them together was an option, but considering the teacher’s eyes and the other students’ gazes, I decided it was better for me to handle them alone. More than anything, it was a weight a guy could manage easily, and I was the one who had brought Yoon Narae along.
During morning assembly, the homeroom teacher had called my name, saying there was something that needed doing, and at the same time called Jin Jo-hwa, asking us to bring the textbooks. If it had been anyone else, maybe. But because it was Jin Jo-hwa, I raised an objection this time. I simply didn’t want to go with someone I disliked.
After thinking for a moment, the homeroom teacher glanced at the wall clock and urged me to pick one friend I wanted to take and go quickly. So I roughly pointed at someone in sight—only it happened to be a girl. And what was unexpected was that the girl I pointed at readily agreed. Even though this was something I could have handled alone.
Seeing her struggle even to push the cart from behind, I felt somehow apologetic.
Even to another girl her frame would look delicate and small, so maybe she simply lacked strength, but watching her push so hard made it clear she was suffering because of me. I should buy her a can of something later.
Yoon Narae, laboriously pulling the cart, asked,
“Want to switch if it’s hard?”
“No. I’m fine.”
Still not giving up? I couldn’t understand why she was so actively motivated for something she clearly couldn’t do. In my case, even for things I could do, if there was no benefit in it I rarely moved. Put nicely, she lived diligently; put badly, she lived the hard way.
After loading the last textbook bundle onto the cart, I was about to head back to the classroom, but Yoon Narae let out a small groan and was breaking out in a cold sweat, so I stopped for a moment. Was something wrong? Or had even pushing the cart been too much? She looked quite strained.
Sensing my gaze, she forced a smile and said,
“I’m fine. Don’t worry. My body’s always been a bit weak. So I came along to train a little, but I wasn’t any help. Sorry I didn’t live up to expectations.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t have any expectations to begin with.”
We didn’t even have a friendship, and how long had we been in the same class that I would expect anything?
“……I guess so.”
To the dejected girl, I forcibly took the cart and pulled it myself.
Back in the classroom, we started distributing the textbooks together.
“Narae, are you okay?”
“Yes. This much is fine. You don’t have to worry.”
After that incomprehensible exchange between the homeroom teacher and Yoon Narae, we began handing out textbooks to the class. It didn’t take long.
“……”
“……”
When the turn I had hoped would never come arrived, a strange atmosphere and silence slowly seeped out.
As if time had stopped, we simply stared at each other—but I was the one who averted my gaze first, unable to last even three seconds. I couldn’t endure it any longer. It was a feeling I physiologically couldn’t accept.
“Jo-hwa? What’s wrong?”
At the homeroom teacher’s words, the time that had seemed frozen began to flow again.
“Ah. Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night. Hahaha……”
When I handed over the textbook, she repaid me with kind words, but—
“Thanks.”
“……”
—I ignored her without answering.
It was because of the judgment that I still couldn’t control my reason well, and because of fear. Just the thought that that day might come back was terrifying.
Jin Jo-hwa was a girl who was nothing but pretense.
Even the “thanks” just now had been full of pretense. Of course the others wouldn’t have noticed. Her pretense wasn’t at a level easy to spot. In my case, because of our past connection, I could recognize it well.
Past connection, huh. Thinking about it now, it was a connection I regretted so much I wanted to reverse it entirely.
Trying to recall the past suddenly made me feel foul. I should put that thought aside for now.
After we finished distributing the textbooks, a voice that calmed my heart a little reached me.
“Temporary Class President and Narae, good work. Thanks.”
Having finished the task, I returned to my seat and blankly watched the scenery outside the window.
“Oh no. Look at my mistake.”
Someone seemed to say something, but I kept looking out the window. The clear blue sky seemed to speak of peace.
“I left the handouts by mistake? Jo Yul and Jo-hwa, can you go get them?”
“Yes.”
“……?”
I doubted my ears. And a beat late, I asked back,
“What?”
The homeroom teacher repeated himself for the question.
“Can you go to the teacher’s desk with Jo-hwa and bring the handouts?”
“With Jin Jo-hwa?”
“Yeah. Could I ask you?”
“……”
I looked into the homeroom teacher’s eyes, but I couldn’t tell what scheme he had.
Since I couldn’t read his inner thoughts, I couldn’t know the intention. It might have been my imagination, but it felt like he kept trying to pair me with Jin Jo-hwa. Was it simple coincidence? Or intention? I couldn’t tell. Damn.
While I was lost in thought, the homeroom teacher turned his back as if he wouldn’t listen to another word and began drawing something on the blackboard.
The fishy feeling that something was up wouldn’t disappear, so it was highly suspicious. But since I had no methods available right now, I had to follow the words.
As a student, the homeroom teacher had made a request of me.
Even though it was a normal request, I felt pressure. Had he intentionally aimed for this when he asked?
If so, what intention did he have? I couldn’t know.
I had no choice but to quietly get up from my seat and leave the classroom. Then I heard the sound of someone following. It wouldn’t matter if she didn’t follow. No—rather, I would have preferred she didn’t follow at all.
Contrary to my wish, the footsteps drew closer and closer.
Matching that, I hurried my steps even more.
Because I hated seeing her face.
Because I hated hearing her voice.
Because I felt I couldn’t accept reality.
“Han……, Jo Yul.”
A voice calling from behind reached me. And at the same time, something boiled up from deep in my chest.
“……”
Even though the voice came, I ignored it because I felt I shouldn’t face her.
If I faced her, many problems would arise in various ways. So not now. Especially the terrible future of reconnecting the severed bond was something I couldn’t accept more than anything.
There was the reason that I shouldn’t create an opportunity for the bond to reconnect, but there were various other reasons too. So I hated facing her, it was awkward, and I didn’t want to accept it.
“Han Jo Yul……!”
The voice came once more.
“……”
I ignored it once more.
Personally, I thought our bond shouldn’t reconnect. Because I believed it was a future that wouldn’t be good for me or for her. Yeah. Maybe it was a one-sided thought largely colored by negative emotions. Of course there was a chance it wasn’t, but well? What do you think?
“Han Jo Yul!”
Suddenly a shout that struck the back of my head hard rang out.
Haa. Seeing that she didn’t give up easily, nothing had changed from the past. Seemed she still hadn’t discarded her strong stubbornness. Of course she had no intention of revealing it in front of others.
It had been the same in the past. Back then too, she always revealed her true nature only in front of me. Whether it was intentional or those words and actions came out naturally, I didn’t know—but because of that, I knew better than anyone what kind of person the real Jin Jo-hwa was. Of course if she had changed a lot from the past, the story would be different. But that was a story that had nothing to do with me.
“……”
Even though she called loudly, I pretended not to hear and ignored her. And I hurried my steps even more. Then, as expected, the following footsteps also quickened.
Please just go away.
I wish she wouldn’t obsess over me.
I wish she’d just treat me as if I didn’t exist.
Suppressing so many negative emotions wasn’t easy either.
“Han Jo Yul, stop for a second!”
Before I knew it she had run up, tightly grabbed my wrist, and shouted—a foolish choice—and with a deep sigh, the negative emotions I had been suppressing began to leak out.
“When someone calls you, shouldn’t you at least pretend to listen?”
“……”
Not only the voice questioning me with so many emotions loaded into it, but her eyes looking at me and every action of tightly holding my wrist were stimulating those negative feelings. Even so, I desperately blocked the emotions trying to spill out.
“Say something. Why on earth are you doing this?”
But Jin Jo-hwa, stupidly not noticing the current situation, kept pouring oil on the fire.
I managed to say one word in a small voice.
“Let go.”
“What?”
“I said let go! Don’t touch me! Don’t call me! Don’t even look at me!”
“!”
I spoke without looking back.
I had already become emotional enough. If I turned my head here, even the remaining scrap of reason would fly away. So I shouted without looking back.
“……”
“……”
In the silence, the sensation of the hand holding my wrist disappeared.
With a slightly stinging feeling I looked at my wrist—it was stained red.
Really, nothing had changed from then to now. Stubbornness was stubbornness, strength was strength. How hard had she grabbed for my wrist to turn red like that.
“……”
“……”
The silence between us continued, and no one interrupted. Even though I had shouted like that, not even a teacher came out to the hallway to check. From my perspective, it was a very good situation.
“Hey, Jo Yul……”
She called me in a careful and slightly scared voice unlike her usual self, but—
“Don’t talk to me.”
—regardless, I answered coldly.
“I’ll apologize for that time. I’m sorry, so let’s resolve it through conversation. Okay?”
Sorry? Us? Now of all times, resolve it through conversation? It wasn’t even funny. Even without forgetting that incident, she shouldn’t say such things to me. There was a limit to being shameless.
I was dumbfounded. And at the all-too-shameless appearance of Jin Jo-hwa, my anger grew even larger.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“Still, please, just once, look this way—look at me……”
A hollow laugh escaped me.
This was ridiculous. Why did I have to look at her now? Why should I do that?
“I don’t have time for this.”
“Han Jo Yul!”
I moved my steps toward the teachers’ office first.
Suddenly Jin Jo-hwa jumped out and blocked my way.
…!
“Just a moment—just a moment is enough. So look at me and talk. Okay?”