Should I... or Shouldn't I?
What am I supposed to do?
Even though dismissal had long since passed, I still could not bring myself to leave the school grounds, lingering there in hesitation.
“......”
The more time slipped by, the more restless I grew, yet I could not decide easily.
That unexpected reunion with him had left me startled and overjoyed at first. After all, I had been hoping for a reunion all this time.
Was that why?
I had been able to meet him. The moment he stepped into the classroom, I recognized him at once. It was the Jo Yul I knew.
All sorts of emotions began to tangle together, but I decided to put joy first for the time being.
Grateful for the fateful connection that had granted me a reunion with Jo Yul, I was watching him in high spirits when, at last, our eyes met.
I had wished for Jo Yul to look at me. I prayed to the heavens that he would simply look at me, no matter how.
But contrary to that wish, our gazes only brushed for a fleeting moment. No. Rather, Jo Yul deliberately turned his eyes away, pretending not to see me.
He did not want to accept this reunion as reality.
It looked as if he were denying everything connected to me.
In a corner of my heart I had once hoped he might greet me warmly. But I stopped thinking that. Anyone with a conscience could not wish for such a thing.
If anything, if he had flown into a rage and cursed me, my heart might have felt a little lighter. Instead he would not even look at me. Disappointment, guilt, anger—I felt them all—but more than anything, being treated as if I did not exist left me wounded.
“You bastard. Just you wait.”
Even thinking it over again, the emotions remained complicated.
After that day, through countless regrets, pains, and reflections, I had believed I finally understood him. But had that been nothing more than a delusion?
On one hand I was angry; on another I felt hurt; on yet another I felt sorry.
Was this proof that I still failed to properly understand Jo Yul, who remained in the position of the victim?
The contradictions born of these tangled, complex feelings left me unable to sort out my heart.
Even now, simply recalling the way he had turned away without the slightest hesitation made my eyes feel ready to well up.
“Should I......? Or shouldn’t I......?”
The homeroom teacher seemed like a truly good person. From the first impression she had been different. I could feel her sincerity in caring for and looking after her students. And somehow, I trusted her. I did not know why trust formed when we knew nothing about each other. Perhaps it was because she was different from every adult I had seen until now. That was why, clinging to a faint hope, I was hesitating in front of the teachers’ office.
The worry I carried was not mine alone. Including me—it was a great concern that involved him as well. That was why I hesitated. Would it be all right to tell someone uninvolved about our past with him? What should I do? Handle it alone? Or seek counsel?
As I stood for a long while at that crossroads of choice, a soft, warm voice drifted from behind me.
“You’re still at school. Is something the matter?”
Yes. I’ve decided.
This choice is for me, and it is also for Jo Yul. Even if he despises me......, I am confident I will not regret it.
Probably.
“Teacher. I have a... concern......”
I spoke while giving off an uncharacteristically heavy atmosphere.
“Jin Jo-hwa......”
It is a name that will not leave my head no matter how hard I try to forget it. Just thinking of it makes my breath catch in my throat, and pain wells up from somewhere deep, deep inside my chest. A pain I never want to taste again, never want to face, is beginning to creep upward. My heart hurts. I wanted to clutch my chest and scream, but I forced it down.
I try to reject Jin Jo-hwa, to refuse to accept her, yet no matter what method I use she will not leave my mind.
Why?
I did not know.
It is a past I do not want to remember, a past that only left me with a gaping wound, yet the reality that the time I spent with Jin Jo-hwa will not leave my head makes me want to look away.
Damn it! Stop tormenting me—please just disappear from my head!
Just thinking of that name and that face makes the wound in my heart split open and hurt. It hurts, it hurts......, it hurts so much—I feel like I’m going crazy!
I shouted at myself with all my strength inside my heart, but it was useless.
“It’s annoying, it’s so damn annoying!”
The intensifying emotions eroded my reason, twisting me into something like a madman.
I screamed.
I randomly hurled whatever came to hand.
In an instant the room became a complete wreck, yet my anger still had not subsided.
Looking at myself like a wild beast and at the devastated room, emptiness now filled the place where rage had been.
“......”
This is what happens when I abandon reason and surrender myself to emotion in order to vent anger.
The room was a disaster; the anger was gone, but emptiness had taken its place. I had not surrendered myself to emotion for a result like this.
The answer I had calculated and the result were far too different. I had figured that if I expressed the anger, if I briefly entrusted myself to emotion, my mood would ease. But the result was not like that. The calculation was wrong. There was no benefit to me at all. Only the emptiness born of wrong actions and a room that needed cleaning.
Since I did not know when my sister, who was out, would return, I could not simply stand there blankly. I did not want to worry her.
“Let’s clean up......”
Carrying that emptiness, I slowly began to tidy the room.
Because I cleaned without a single thought, I had no idea how much time had passed.
Before I started cleaning, the sun had definitely been up. Before I knew it the sky was dyed with darkness. I seemed to have spent far more time than expected. The only fortunate thing was that while cleaning the room the anger and emptiness had faded? Other than that, I had gained nothing.
Right now I had no thoughts at all. It was more accurate to say I could not think.
The fierce emotions were gone, yet an unknown lump remained lodged in my chest......, and still Jin Jo-hwa would not disappear from my head.
What was I supposed to do about something that would not vanish?
I tried sinking into the problem, but soon dropped it. Because I judged that erasing her from my mind was impossible.
I hate her so much I do not even want to think of her, yet I cannot forget her. I never wished for a contradiction like this.
Looking at the neatly cleaned room, the image of myself being swept away by emotion rose again, and suddenly another thought occurred.
Could I maintain my reason in front of Jin Jo-hwa?
Not only the same school, but the same class. On top of that I was the Temporary Class President. No matter how things went, someday I would have to face her—an unavoidable inevitability was waiting. Yet merely thinking of Jin Jo-hwa, I could not keep my reason. So on one hand I was afraid of myself. Could I maintain my reason in front of Jin Jo-hwa? If I could not, I had no idea what might happen.
No matter how many calculations I ran, only bad answers came out.
They say life is one mountain after another, and it seemed true.
“What’s the point of thinking about it now. Let’s get some air for a change of mood.”
Muttering to myself, I pulled on a coat and left the room.
“Ah.”
“Hmm?”
Opening the door, I ran straight into my stepfather.
I had thought he would be late again today. What brought him home at this hour?
“Were you sleeping, by any chance?”
At his question laced with apology I glanced at the clock. It was already past eight. I had cleaned my room for two whole hours? It had taken a long time.
“I was just cleaning my room for the first time in a while.”
My stepfather is a kind and considerate good man. He is capable in many ways, so when Mom asked my sister and me for our opinions, saying she wanted to remarry him, I felt no particular resistance. Of course I was still young then, but my sister shared the same view. And so Mom and my stepfather remarried.
We have lived together for nearly five years, and I know he is a good person, yet there is still a strangely awkward feeling between us. However, unlike me who still feels a bit of that awkwardness, my sister has already narrowed the distance with him a great deal long ago.
“Going out?”
“Yes. I feel a bit stuffy, so I was going to get some air.”
“When you go out, dress warmly. It gets cold at night. Have you had dinner?”
“No. I haven’t eaten yet.”
“Wait just a moment.”
He took his wallet from an inner pocket and handed me fifty thousand won as he spoke.
“Buy yourself something good with this. Today was the entrance ceremony, right? We should all eat dinner together as a family. There’s just too much work. I’m really sorry.”
Sincerity could be felt in his face and voice. More than anything, looking into his eyes I could tell it was not a lie.
Receiving the money with both hands, I said,
“It’s fine. I’m not a kid anymore.”
“Hahaha. From a parent’s perspective it’s reassuring that you’ve grown up so dependably. But from a mother’s perspective she might feel a little sad, so let’s only say things like that when it’s just us guys. Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Always be careful when you go out.”
“Yes. Take care.”
“Alright.”
Answering with a smile, he hurriedly left the house.
After my stepfather was gone I grabbed the keys, locked the front door, and stepped outside. The chill of early spring brushed past my cheeks.
“Where should I go?”
I had come out for a change of mood, yet since I had not decided on a destination I could not figure out where to direct my steps. And no particular place came to mind either. Besides, the purpose of going out was a change of mood; if I returned home without dealing with this stuffiness it would only feel worse, so turning back was even less appealing.
“Just walk.”
For now I decided to walk without choosing a destination.
I shoved both hands into my coat pockets and walked slowly. I walked around the neighborhood; I walked the route to school. I kept walking and walking.
How long had I walked? A rumbling sound rose from my stomach.
Come to think of it, today I had eaten neither breakfast nor dinner. On top of that I had spent a considerable stretch of time simply walking blankly, so of course I was hungry. Should I eat something simple?
Stopping because of the empty feeling, I scanned the surroundings. The place that immediately caught my eye was a convenience store. Maybe because it was the one I often visited on errands for my sister’s side dishes, I had drifted this way without realizing it.
Thinking the timing was perfect, I stepped inside without hesitation.
Inside the convenience store I picked out a suitable lunch box and a carton of milk, paid, and heated the lunch box.
Even though filling my stomach did not take long, by the time I paid for two cans of warm coffee and stepped back out it was already past ten.
“It’s gotten cold. I should head back soon.”
Coming out of the convenience store and just about to start for home, my smartphone vibrated noisily.
There is only one person who would call me at this hour.
“What?”
The moment I answered I tossed out a blunt word, and my sister’s voice came through.
"What are you doing out this late at night? Your shoes weren’t at the entrance. Are you outside?"
She must have gone out and just come back. I’m not a kid. She’s such a worrywart.
It is not that her worrying nature is annoying or irritating. Rather, I could understand my sister who frets over every little thing. Because we siblings have a past that leaves us no choice but to be that way.
So I answered while acting like my usual self.
“I just came out because I felt stuffy. I’m heading home now, so don’t worry.”
"......"
For some reason no words came.
“Sis?”
Was she doing something else while on the call? Even when I called, no voice answered. Just as I was about to check whether the line had dropped, a serious voice came through.
"Do you have some serious worry, by any chance?"
“......”
I lost my words at her sharp intuition.
I always think this, but why am I so bad at hiding anything from my sister? Maybe it is because we siblings know each other too well.
I felt stripped bare, yet I continued the act. Because I did not want anyone to discover this conflict.
“What are you talking about. Why would you think that?”
"Because of what happened this morning I was hanging out with a friend to avoid your nagging, and not a single call came. When I got home and checked the rice cooker it wasn’t much different from the morning. Compared to your usual self, today was too different. You know, right? How well I know you. So don’t try to hide it and tell me. What happened?"
“I have trivial worries too, you know?”
"Are you going to keep lying?"
“What lie?”
I deliberately played dumb.
Then my sister’s voice began to rise.
"You think I can’t tell a lie? Even though the time I’ve spent close with you is short, I can at least tell when family is lying."
“......”
I have absolutely no intention of telling anyone about my conflict.
If I confided the worry I have been fretting over to my sister, a good solution would come out. Unlike me, my sister is smart and wise. But this is a problem only between the parties involved. That is why I believe it is not right for someone else to insert themselves between the parties.
"What’s wrong? Say something at least."
I have rarely won against my sister so far, but this time I will not back down easily.
“......It’s late. Just go to sleep now.”
"Are you really doing this?"