An Unwanted Connection
“You might think of it as a punishment, Teacher, but some kids will see it the opposite way. You could lose the trust of the ones who’d been aiming for temporary class president or class president. So please change it to a different punishment. I’ll take any punishment gladly.”
“I’m grateful you’re worried about that. But you don’t need to worry.”
“?”
I took pride in reading and inferring other people’s thoughts. Up until now, there had never been a single time I failed to read someone else’s mind. But no matter how hard I tried to read my homeroom teacher’s thoughts, I couldn’t. Nothing was visible. I was on guard, wondering if another face might be hiding behind that smile, when—
“Hmm~? So that was what you were thinking. Yes. I understand Jo Yul’s thoughts well. So I’ll just accept your concern as the thought that counts.”
“!”
I’d had my thoughts read in reverse instead!
“There’s something you should know about Class 1-3 since you don’t know anything about it yet, so listen carefully. It’ll be useful information for you as the future temporary class president.”
“Yes......?”
“Class 1-3 has a characteristic. Do you know what it is?”
I’d only just entered the classroom—how could I know something like that? The teacher should know full well that to get to know people, you need to spend at least a minimum amount of time with them. So why ask a question like that? Some kind of hint? An implication?
“The characteristic of Class 1-3 is that they have no drive and no ambition.”
The answer that rendered my fretting meaningless left me still dazed as I asked back.
“What?”
“I said the characteristic of Class 1-3 is that they have no drive and no ambition. So the worry you’re thinking of won’t happen. Teacher believes Jo Yul will lead the class well, so do your best. I’ll be cheering you on from behind!”
“......”
From the very start, I’d been dancing in the palm of my homeroom teacher’s hand. You could tell just from how she’d maintained that same face from beginning to end, and there wasn’t a hint of agitation in her eyes either. I should have noticed much earlier. But I’d been thinking too deeply and missed what was right in front of me. What on earth had that psychological warfare been for? Only a hollow emptiness washed over me.
“Haa......”
A weak little sigh escaped on its own.
The psychological warfare had ended anticlimactically with my complete defeat.
My odds of winning hadn’t been high, but they hadn’t been nonexistent either. I’d even had a certain degree of confidence that things would go as I thought. In the end, it was my fault for leaving the critical moment to luck and failing to realize it would be a reckless fight.
I didn’t even want to imagine what came next.
The position of temporary class president was the worst possible position. The reason was that it was a position that could never blend with the high school life I’d wanted.
A high school life where I didn’t want to get entangled with others.
That was the wish for my high school life, and the wish I’d held ever since that day.
I hate getting hurt by others, and so I also don’t want to hurt others.
This was the conviction I’d formed after that day.
Honestly, that wish wasn’t a hard one to achieve. In fact, I’d been achieving it continuously from that day until now. But this time was different. Suddenly, that wish had been shattered to pieces. What I’d thought wasn’t a hard wish to achieve... Really, how should I put it. Emptiness and shock, and—fear seemed to be filling me up.
“Jo Yul?”
“......”
My wish hadn’t come true.
“Jo Yul~?”
“......”
What should I do?
Finding a method wasn’t the hard part. What was important was calculating which method to choose and how to use it so that the disadvantages coming my way would be minimized.
“Han Jo Yul!”
“Yes......, yes?”
Just as I was about to dive into full-scale calculations, a sudden loud voice snapped me back to my senses.
My homeroom teacher, looking at me straight on with a serious face, asked,
“Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
“Ah, no. I just had something to think about for a moment. I’m sorry.”
“Ugh. I was startled because you were spacing out. Still, it’s a relief there’s nothing wrong. From now on, if anything hurts, make sure to tell me. Got it?”
“Ah, yes. Thank you for your concern.”
“If my student is hurting, I’m hurting too, so it’s not something to be thanked for this much. Now. Won’t you at least give a greeting? Or should I give you a bit more time to think?”
“No. It’s fine.”
There had been consideration, but I didn’t particularly need it, so I refused.
“Then go ahead and start.”
After we slightly switched positions, I was about to start my self-introduction from the center of the teacher’s desk.
Until I met her eyes.
“!”
“!”
I was surprised, and she was surprised too.
Why was she at this school?
Why was she in Class 1-3?
I couldn’t help but be flustered and shocked.
I hadn’t wanted to meet her. So after that incident that day, I’d desperately tried to erase her from my mind. Those memories weren’t worth keeping, and just recalling them was nothing but pain for me, so I’d erased them from my head. But......, but of all things, not only the same school but the same class. This had to be a twist of fate.
The memories of that day that I’d been sure I’d erased rose up again, and the moment I recognized her existence, my heart started pounding faster and my breath caught in my throat, so stifling I could barely breathe. And a pain like my chest was burning up washed over me.
The memories I’d been sure I’d erased were rising again.
“What’s wrong? J......”
It seemed like my homeroom teacher was saying something, but that voice started growing fainter until I couldn’t hear it anymore.
As if—only she and I existed in this space.
After that day, I hadn’t even met her in my dreams. No. Maybe I had, but the moment I opened my eyes, my brain would have automatically erased those memories, I think.
Recalling her, looking back on that day in the past, was something my brain had automatically judged as dangerous, so I’d lived forgetting until now.
But now it was rising again.
The past memories and the past wounds.
It hurt so much my chest felt like it would tear.
Please, I wish someone would save me.
I don’t want to get hurt anymore.
The wound that had healed is about to split open again.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts—it hurts so much I’m going crazy!
Is there really no one who will save me......?
Something felt like it was squeezing my heart.
It was so agonizing that even opening my mouth was hard.
In that moment when I desperately wished for someone to save me—
“Han Jo Yul!”
“......!”
—my homeroom teacher, with a serious face, grabbed my shoulders hard and shook me awake.
“Are you really okay?”
Faced with concern full of worry, I forced myself to make an excuse as if I were fine.
“It’s nothing. It’s been a while since I’ve stood in front of so many people, so I got a bit nervous. Ha, hahaha......”
Even I thought it was a pretty lame excuse. But even if it was a lame excuse, I didn’t want my current state, or my relationship with Jin Jo-hwa, to be found out. There was also a non-zero chance things would get more complicated and tangled. Ah. Maybe my homeroom teacher had seen through the lie and felt something was off. Maybe she’d noticed the seriousness and deliberately gone along with the lie. She was a sharp person, after all.
“You’re really okay, right?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“I heard the same thing earlier.”
“Hahaha......”
At the sincere worry in her eyes and voice, I could only laugh awkwardly.
In this worst situation of being in the same school and same class as her, the one thing I thought was fortunate was that there was a reliable teacher.
I, who had been locking eyes with her, turned my gaze away without hesitation. I had no choice. If I kept looking, it would become agonizing. And just the fact of being in the same space as her was unpleasant and uncomfortable. So I stared only straight ahead and opened my mouth.
“Sorry. It’s been so long since I’ve stood in front of a lot of people that I got nervous without realizing. I suddenly got assigned the temporary class president position. Even if it’s temporary, please take care of me.”
It was a very typical, purely superficial self-introduction with no individuality to be found. Even so, everyone in Class 1-3 clapped. Of course, this applause was only formal applause. Applause with no meaning or soul in it.
Actually, the self-introduction I could give wasn’t at that level. Even so, the reason I suppressed my emotions as much as possible and delivered a typical self-introduction with no individuality that would minimize everyone’s interest was to get my hands on the high school life I wanted.
A high school life where I don’t want to get hurt by others and don’t want to hurt others.
That’s why I won’t get entangled with anyone, won’t close the distance with anyone, and won’t approach anyone.
I’ll ignore her too.
She—
—Jin Jo-hwa is a person who doesn’t exist.
She can’t be seen and doesn’t exist.
She can’t be heard and doesn’t exist.
She—
—who is Jin Jo-hwa?
“If the greeting is over, please take a seat in an empty spot.”
“Yes.”
As I looked around the classroom, I spotted an empty seat remaining at the very back by the window and moved my feet.
A window seat is good. I originally like the scenery outside the window.
The very back seat also suits me. Among many seats, it’s one of the few corner seats so it doesn’t stand out.
But of all things, being in the same row as Jin Jo-hwa is something I don’t like.
I’d clearly just hypnotized myself a moment ago, but it had come undone right away. Brainwashing myself is hard too. Even though I tried to forget everything about Jin Jo-hwa and not be conscious of her, not even a few seconds passed before I became conscious of her again. Self-hypnosis doesn’t seem easy either. I thought if I did it, it would work.
Second period had already started ten minutes ago.
Delaying any longer would also be sorry toward my homeroom teacher, so I kept my gaze forward and quickly moved my feet.
Jin Jo-hwa’s seat, unlike mine, was the very front. So I deliberately walked staring only straight ahead.
As I moved my feet, I felt one gaze. Probably her gaze. I could feel many emotions contained in that gaze. But I didn’t want to know what those emotions were.
So I didn’t look back and ignored it.
I don’t want to get entangled with others. Especially among them, there’s a connection I don’t want to get entangled with.
Just as I’m ignoring her and treating her as a non-existent person, I hope she’ll treat me as a non-existent person too. But my wish probably won’t come true. Because I could feel one gaze that wouldn’t disappear.
“Jo Yul......”
A voice calling my name plaintively as I passed by her side.
It’s a voice I don’t want to hear.
It makes me nauseous.
Unpleasant and uncomfortable.
So I urged my steps even faster.
As I sat down, my homeroom teacher’s words began.
“This period, we’re going to do self-introductions so that all of us can get to know each other. Getting to know each other is a big help when becoming friends. Teacher also wants to know you all a bit more. So I hope you’ll participate actively. Honestly, isn’t it better than a boring class? First, before the self-introductions, there are a few handouts I’ll distribute to you. It’s not difficult or awkward content, but I’d be grateful if you fill them out after serious consideration. If it’s hard to fill out, come to Teacher. I said it’s not difficult or awkward content, but I’m sure there will be students who can’t decide easily. I can always listen if it’s counseling, so you can throw away any burden. Whether it’s a small worry or a big worry, come find me anytime. Teacher will do my best!”
Unlike the cozy atmosphere, at the sight of the homeroom teacher full of fighting spirit, everyone smiled on their faces and answered with one heart. Of course, excluding me.
While I was appreciating the scenery outside the window, I was called.
“Temporary class president.”
“Yes?”
“Can you come out and help Teacher a bit?”
“......Yes.”
Really, the scenery outside the window is filthy good.
Second period was a time for self-introductions. But all I felt was boredom. I think it’s normal to feel boredom during self-introduction time. Because they’re self-introductions that are nothing but lies for managing one’s own image. During this time, everyone turns into pretentious humans. It’s a result you can know without even looking, so there’s no fun or anything. It’s just a bland time.
Continuously listening to self-introductions with no individuality or truth in them, it felt like drowsiness would come.
However, it wasn’t that there were only kids who didn’t catch my interest.
“I don’t know where to start. First, from the name......”
At the sight of Jin Jo-hwa standing up from her seat and doing her self-introduction, a hollow laugh came out. There’s a saying that old habits die hard—looks like she still hasn’t fixed that habit.
That habit is the habit of putting on a mask when dealing with others. And a very elaborate and thick mask at that. Probably no one has noticed. The fact that she’s wearing a mask close to human skin. Wouldn’t the homeroom teacher have already noticed?
That’s how perfect Jin Jo-hwa’s mask, her pretense, is.
So it’s even more ugly and disgusting to the point of making me want to throw up.
In the end, unable to endure watching Jin Jo-hwa’s ugly and disgusting appearance any longer, I raised my hand.
“What’s wrong?”
At that one word from the homeroom teacher, many gazes focused, but I had no room to care about such things.
“Could I go to the bathroom for a moment? My stomach isn’t feeling well......”
I thought the homeroom teacher would grant my request.
Because she knew the circumstances of last night better than anyone.
“Go to the bathroom before class starts. Got it?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
“Go ahead.”
“Thank you.”
As expected, a wonderful teacher who doesn’t betray her student’s trust.
As soon as permission was given, I left the classroom with quick steps and headed for the bathroom.