Confused Heart (Vita's Side)
Thursday, after school. Lou came looking for Vita. An unexpected guest.
"You okay, senpai?"
"No, I told you, I'm fine."
This was how it had all gone down.
Please, senpai... Just meet me once!
Was he really that worried? Lou had begged her so persistently to see him that Vita couldn't keep ignoring his messages. In the end, that was it. Their relationship wasn't just any ordinary one, after all. Fellow anime enthusiasts, tight-knit despite the age gap. Close enough that calling them best friends wouldn't be strange. In fact, Vita was closer to Lou, her underclassman by a semester, than to any of her same-age peers.
...Though lately, I've been pretty neglectful.
She was fully aware of that. Ever since turning into a girl, she'd been hanging out with Shasha, Emily, and the others. And yeah, Carlyle Schultz too. In the process, she'd somewhat neglected her original favorite underclassman, Lou.
Remembering that made Vita feel a twinge of guilt.
But once I turn back into a guy...
Soon. Very soon. Once she returned to her original state, her social circle would shrink back to its old size. As a guy, she'd always been... what was the word? Closed off when it came to forming relationships.
Come to think of it, yeah.
Maybe becoming "Bianca Shama"—turning into a girl—had changed her mindset, her whole outlook. Maybe she'd grown without realizing it. But what did that matter now? Once she went back to being a guy, things with Lou would return to how they were before. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Vita felt more at ease staying close with him like always. Just reverting to the original status quo.
[I'm your senpai Vita—!]
Lou had been the first to learn about her transformation into a girl right from the start. That's how close they were.
Meet up, senpai!
So she'd reluctantly agreed to see him, and now here he was, talking her ear off. He kept asking if she was okay.
"Haa— so frustrating."
Lou's reaction soured Vita's expression too.
"What? Spill it."
The rumor Lou had just shared with her. That Carlyle Schultz and Emily Swan had been spotted together lately.
Of course, Vita knew about it. She'd even encouraged Emily herself, through a letter. Give it a shot with Carlyle. I support you two. Maybe it was for the best. The malicious scandals swirling around Carlyle seemed to be dying down. He'd denied it outright, there was no evidence, and he carried himself with such shameless confidence. Naturally, it was fading with time. The presumption of innocence was key, and without proof or witnesses, it was no surprise.
Well, truth be told, Vita had pitched in too. On the school community forums online, anonymously of course.
Carlyle Schultz would never do something like that!
She'd gone on at length, posting walls of text in his defense. Not just once—she'd spammed a bit. Underestimate otaku community power at your peril? It probably helped sway public opinion a little.
...But that's as far as it goes.
Just that much. Vita knew that was the extent of what she could do for Carlyle Schultz. Maybe her final gift to him.
Nothing more.
She and Carlyle were strangers again now. That's the conviction she held firmly.
So two days ago, when she saw them walking together out of the academy gates with her own eyes...
...
At first, it had definitely bothered her, her gaze lingering there. It took a while before she realized she'd been standing frozen in place.
But then...
...What am I doing?
As she started walking again, Vita let out a hollow chuckle. Hadn't she wanted this herself? Yeah, exactly. This was what she'd wished for.
[Emily, you're kind and a good person. Carlyle will surely see that.]
That's what she'd written. That both of them were good people, so she'd always cheer them on.
So yeah.
...This is a good thing.
A good thing. Things were working out. Not bad at all. That's what she kept telling herself.
Just that feeling.
Ah, yeah...
Carlyle and Emily were hitting it off. And Carlyle might have been disappointed in her, after all. She'd confessed her heavy, sincere feelings, only to be rejected.
It wasn't just rejection. She'd embarrassed him. Hurt his pride. And even when he showed up at her house, she'd ignored him outright and ghosted all his calls.
Of course that's how it is.
It wouldn't be strange if his feelings for Bianca Shama had completely cooled. Or even turned to outright dislike.
Poke— poke—
Thinking that way made Vita's heart feel like it was being pricked by needles.
But it was fine. This was what she wanted. From Carlyle's perspective, once his lingering affection for her faded completely, Emily might finally catch his eye. Emily was kind, pretty too.
She slips up sometimes... and it's kinda major when she does...
But basically, she wasn't a bad person—quite the opposite, actually. So it wasn't weird for Emily and Carlyle to grow close.
Yeah. In fact, it was a good thing, Vita Shama thought. Emily was a real girl, unlike her. And a good person at that. She'd be a pillar of support for Carlyle, who'd been battered by those nasty rumors lately.
Nothing new there. Just what she'd hoped for.
What, suddenly regretting it now...?
On the contrary, things were going exactly as she'd planned. No need to dwell.
Unlike Lou, apparently.
"Haa— senpai..."
Why was he sighing?
Why are you sighing...?
Vita truly, really didn't care. That's what she believed.
"That look on your face right now? You should go check a mirror."
"...Don't push it, Lou."
Vita hardened her expression. She just couldn't understand. Why?
"Why do you keep bringing up that guy to me?"
"Well, it's just..."
"I said I don't care."
She cut him off. Vita's words sped up.
"He and I are nothing now. We're going back to being strangers. Everything's just returning to normal... I told you that, right?"
Her voice rose higher.
"Why are even you—!"
Was it the quickening pace? The surging emotions? Suddenly, Vita felt a sharp pain in her chest.
"So just... drop it."
She was trying so hard not to think about it.
"I said I'm fine."
Vita pressed on.
"I really am fine. Stop it, Lou."
"...Got it, senpai."
Lou's face looked a bit dazed, shocked even.
Ah...
Only after venting did reason return to Vita.
What did I just...?
For a moment, she'd lost it.
Why did I...?
She'd snapped at her innocent, close underclassman Lou. That wasn't like her.
Vita opened her mouth, closed it, then rubbed her face with a troubled expression.
"...Sorry, Lou."
Of course she knew Lou was just worried. That's why she felt her actions were wrong.
Fidgeting, Vita opened her mouth again.
"Really sorry, Lou... I mean."
"You know what, senpai?"
Lou spoke up suddenly.
"You've changed a ton. Like, a whole lot."
The old Vita wouldn't apologize so easily. Knowing that, Lou saw it as growth.
But he didn't want to burden her more. She was already struggling; dragging it up would only make things worse.
"But okay, I get it. You're fine, like you say. I know how you feel, senpai?"
"...Yeah."
After that, an awkward silence hung between them. Both Vita and Lou were sorting their emotions.
It's been a while since Lou visited...
Senpai's going through it...
This atmosphere was no good for either of them. So Vita and Lou met eyes suddenly.
The same thought popping into both heads. Of course.
"Uh, senpai... Wanna just watch some anime?"
"Y-Yeah!"
Vita agreed immediately.
"No more pointless talk. Let's just watch anime! You ruined the vibe."
Forcing cheerfulness. Dismissing all the Carlyle talk as nonsense.
"Just three days left now."
Vita poked Lou's back with a grin.
"Ow—! That hurts..."
"That's why I hit you."
"Whaaat?!"
"Celebrating the return? It's worth marking. Like fireworks?"
"But why me...?"
The mood lightened a bit. Yeah, right. Something worth celebrating. A good thing.
Really, just three days left.
"So let's watch anime. New movie's out."
Vita said, and Lou nodded eagerly.
"Y-Yeah. Anime's best for times like this."
"This is us. Mindlessly watching anime."
Like self-hypnosis. Vita said it firmly. This was right for her. Just anime, studying hard.
"We're otaku, huh."
"Yeah, totally."
Chatting idly like that, they started the anime. Their favorite magical girl movie.
"This one's recent. Scout team vibe?"
"Ooh, senpai knows her stuff."
"Damn right. I'm Vita Shama."
Not Bianca Shama. She was Vita Shama.
Vita had always loved anime. It soothed her in tough times, made her happy, recharged her.
But not today.
[Magical Girl Eve Rosalind...! Manifesting with the power of love—!]
Even watching anime—her absolute favorite—she felt no joy.
"Fun, right...?"
Vita forced a smile. As if smiling might make it better.