Let's Return Again
Once more, I returned. I embraced Chris, the one who had truly, genuinely recognized me for who I was. Even though her body had become so unnaturally solid that hugging her felt like being crushed, she squeezed me with enough force to break bones. Still, it only hurt like hell—there was no real injury. Since standing outside like this was getting cold, I quickly led her back up to the house. Of course, Chris refused to let go, clinging to me like a crocodile that had sunk its teeth into prey. But that was fine. She was my old friend and family, the one I had missed terribly, and she was completely drunk. It was understandable that she would act so possessively. After all, everything that had led to this moment was my fault. I had to bear it.
With a heavy thud, I dragged the thoroughly intoxicated Chris up the stairs. Still holding me and repeatedly calling my name, she collapsed onto the sofa with me.
“Ugh····!”
I felt like I was being crushed to death beneath her weight as she kept slumping toward me. Once we were seated, I caught my breath and slowly, carefully looked down at her. She had curled up in my arms with a deeply relieved smile, her eyes tightly shut as she drifted off to sleep—or rather, she had already been asleep.
“····”
The spot where she had hugged me still ached. I checked to make sure nothing was broken, then reached out to touch her face, which was now softly illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the window.
“····Chris.”
I gently stroked her now strikingly beautiful face. If we were still the people we used to be, this would have been unimaginable. But we had changed far too much since those days. Unlike the time when we had stood covered in sweat, fists pressed together, we were now worn down, dulled, and broken. We could no longer reclaim the brilliant strength that had once shone so brightly. We were nothing more than fragile girls who had completely fallen apart.
Even as the image of the old Chris overlapped with the one in my arms, I carefully smoothed her tangled hair and caressed her face, trying to help her relax. What on earth had happened to her? What could she possibly have gone through to end up like this?
“····”
Right. I had gone through the same thing. We had been defeated together. Watching Chris cling to me so tightly, I let the old memories wash over me. The time when Chris had first joined the hunting party and felt isolated because he didn’t fit in. The memory of Felt helping him. The moment the Demon King’s war truly began, when Chris had charged ahead of everyone else, shield raised, pushing back the monsters. The memory of him sacrificing himself to protect Felt until the very end. Even though I hadn’t been able to see his face clearly at the time, I remembered the countless bloodstains covering him as he held Felt in his arms.
That was why I had been so certain that Chris, Felt, and so many others must have died. That was why the guilt had become unbearable. That was why it was so hard to accept that it was all because of me. Yet I had desperately wanted to atone for my sins. I had wanted to take revenge for them with obsessive, frenzied determination. I hadn’t wanted their sacrifices—people who had poured their hearts into me—to be in vain. Even if all that remained was worthless honor, I hadn’t wanted the sacrifices they made for my ideals to be meaningless. That was why I had lived so desperately, consumed by revenge, as if I had gone mad.
But now that we had actually met again…
“····”
Now that we had finally reunited, too many emotions were pounding against my chest. I’m sorry. I missed you. This is my responsibility. I want to make everything right. And now… you can rest. Thank you for everything. Those feelings slowly began to well up from deep inside me.
“·····”
Truthfully, when I first met Chris, I had wanted to ask for his help again. After our emotional reunion, I had planned to ask whether he would be willing to stand by me once more. But looking at his ruined face—now so heartbreakingly pretty yet so utterly broken—I couldn’t bring myself to drag him back into my battlefield. It was a shameless thought. An incredibly shameless thought. They had already sacrificed so much for me. How could I possibly ask these people, who had barely survived, to help me again?
Even as guilt overwhelmed me, I held back the selfish impulse to burden them once more. This wasn’t right. I couldn’t exploit the people who had already shattered themselves for my sake. I steadied my heart. The future I wanted—the reason I had returned here and tried to start anew—was to fulfill the broken promise of life I had made with her in that other world. To keep the promise I had made with the Transcendent in the realm of consciousness. Even though that promise had felt like an unpleasant duty forced upon me, I no longer saw it that way. After returning to Caspia and spending several days taking in the scenery with my own eyes and feeling it on my skin, I realized that this mission had always been mine to bear.
I had returned here because I was someone who didn’t belong among the demons I had accepted. Because beneath her shadow, there was nothing I could do. And above all, to protect the woman who loved me—to prevent her from heading toward the same future as the one in that distant world—I had to leave. I had to become the strong version of myself in the human world, not the powerless one in the Demon Realm.
Therefore, this wasn’t the answer. Just as I had left to protect her, if I truly wanted to protect the people who were precious to me here as well, then I couldn’t return to their side. I had to go even farther away. Much farther. Because the person I had become, now carrying this new mission, was no longer someone they needed.
The moment I accepted that mission, I had stepped onto a different stage where leaving was the only way to protect what mattered. From that moment on, it became natural law: if you lacked the strength to protect, you had to leave. I finally understood. To fulfill my mission, I could never meet them again. Apologies had to be delivered through results. Words were no longer necessary. Therefore, they had no place on my battlefield. They must never be invited into it. The kind people who had sacrificed so much for me must never be sacrificed again. No one should have to bleed for the righteousness I pursued.
So… just a little longer. Let me stay like this a little longer. From now on, I would have to leave for a place so far away that we would never meet again. I had longed for this reunion so desperately. I had believed I would be able to meet everyone again. But that wasn’t how it should be. Looking at Chris’s broken form as she slept while tightly clutching my clothes, and remembering all the good and bad memories of those who had left… I finally understood everything.
So—
“I’m sorry, Chris····”
I whispered, holding tightly to the person who had once been him. I didn’t want to leave. But if I stayed by their side, they would only suffer more. They would be tormented by the pain of the past even further. Maybe this was just self-justification. But I had to do this. I had to learn how to stand on my own without relying on anyone else’s hand. I had always been like this. At first, I reached for Idea’s hand, then Justitia’s. In the end, I tried to borrow the hands of the Demon King, Jemma, and the Transcendent. And now, once again, I was trying to borrow the hands of everyone who had already shattered themselves for me.
That was why I had to leave. So… goodbye. Farewell, my painful memories. Farewell to the painful past I created.