You Were Waiting for Me
So you were waiting for me. Chapter 52. You were waiting for me. For far too long, living this wretched life. It felt as though I was drifting further and further away from who I once was, sinking with the broken Felt into an endless abyss. Truly without end. Wandering and lost without direction. I no longer knew what I should do. I no longer knew where I should go. Because Belberman, our lighthouse and beacon, was dead. We had no choice but to drift apart like this. My head understood that was the right thing to do, yet I was the kind of person who could never let them go. So I clung to Felt until the very end, stayed by Siphel’s side as she resisted the Demon King, and searched for the whereabouts of our other comrades. I thought that if we could reunite with the others, maybe brighter days would finally come. But failing to convince even Felt, endlessly lingering at her side—it was truly, truly hopeless. This life of ours really did feel like trying to spark a flame on an infinitely distant ideal using nothing but the heat of friction from your palms. So even though the future looked bleak, I decided to follow Siphel’s ideals and keep moving forward somehow. Yet now I’ve reached my limit. It’s too hard. So hard I feel like I’ll collapse. I can’t keep thinking optimistically anymore. I can’t keep believing that brighter days will come. It feels like something inside me has broken. It feels like my past has broken. Belberman. Belberman, what would you do? How would you rise again in this despair? If it were you, the foolishly kind you who so easily took in a stranger like me the first time we met—tell me what I should do. Please, please appear before me again. Please tell me where I should go, what I should do, where I should head. Like a lie, truly like a lie, appear before me once more.
“Chris.”
Yes. Just like that, as if by a lie, you appeared before me again. Just like that miraculous moment in the gambling den when I had given up on everything. “……Chris.” Yes. Right now, like this. Appearing before my drunken eyes like a hallucination. So real I couldn’t tell if it was real or not. Even though you’re a woman now. I’m a woman too. Huh? “……Bel, Belberman……” “……” Huh? Wait, why? Why a woman? Why are you here? Why are you standing there, waiting for me? Why do you know my name? Why were you waiting alone in front of the house? Back then, on our first meeting, you nearly suffered something terrible. But why do you know my name? Huh, must be the alcohol. I must be seeing things. Has my head really gone that far? “……Right.” But it wasn’t my imagination. She—the woman standing before me, waiting for me, the same woman I had saved by chance on the roadside—already knew my name. “That’s right. It’s me…… Belberman.” It was such an unbelievable thing to say, like a lie. I told her to stop spouting nonsense and tried to walk past her. But that irritating face. That face brimming with absurd confidence. Why did it look exactly the same? It was so identical that I couldn’t believe someone was imitating it. Too much. Far too much. “……” In the end, I couldn’t walk past her. Even though she was a woman, among all the people I had passed by, she resembled Belberman the most. She was the person I had missed the most. And above all— “I missed you, Chris.” She was looking at me with a face that said she had missed me more than anyone. Looking at me as if seeing the old memories from those distant days. “……” Was it because I had become a woman? Was that why? Why were tears threatening to fall? Right now, I didn’t even know if the Belberman standing before me was real or fake. But even so, none of that mattered anymore. The moment she appeared before me and called my name, my instincts were already screaming that the woman in front of me was Belberman. That instinctive cry had turned into tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to know why Belberman had become a woman, how she had come back alive, why she was here—but right now, none of those extra questions mattered. The moment she revealed her identity, the moment she called my name, I had no choice but to rush forward and embrace her. I had no choice but to hold her tightly so I could feel her heartbeat. I missed you. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay by your side until the end. I missed you. I wanted to hold hands with you again. The words wouldn’t come out. Not a single sound could escape. I missed you so, so, so, so, so much. “Belbermaaaan……!!” I just cried. Clinging to her as she began to smile awkwardly, I simply wept. Whether this was a hallucination from the alcohol or a delusion born from going mad, I couldn’t tell. But did I really need to know? Belberman was in my arms. That was enough. Even if our appearances looked strange, that didn’t matter right now. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being alive. For now, that single thought was enough. I could be satisfied with just that. Yeah, Belberman. Really, truly…… “C-Chris…… Ow, it hurts……!” I missed you so damn much.
Thus, time rewinds briefly. Once I was almost certain it was Chris, I had tried to stay in her house and calmly wait while organizing my thoughts. Even though I had decided to act only after talking with Chris, I couldn’t just sit still. No matter how much I had returned to my hometown world, there was still far more I didn’t know about this place. If I wanted to try anything here, I figured I at least needed to know the lay of the land, like a neighborhood stray dog knowing its home. So I threw on a random robe from her room and stepped outside to wander. Just in case, I pulled my hat down low this time. I didn’t want to end up in another ugly situation like last time. It would be too shameless to expect someone to come save me again if I got caught up in trouble. With my energy restored, I moved carefully, never letting my guard down, slowly taking in the changed scenery of Caspia once more. In the past, it had felt like the middle of a battlefield on the front lines, with no infrastructure to speak of—bleak and dreary. Now, even at night, it was quite bright. It wasn’t such a bad place to walk alone. Still, the warmth between people had been greater before. Now there was only coldness between them, chilling to the bone. Only the scenery had improved; what remained was a piercing cold. As I wandered, I found myself somewhere. “……Ah.” I spotted a familiar building and stopped in front of it. I soon realized it was the tavern where I had stayed with my comrades years ago. Standing before it, I gazed inside. “……” It really didn’t seem to have changed much. A smile tugged at my lips as old memories surfaced, but then— “……” Through the window, I saw a bulletin board with Siphel and the other heroes drawn splendidly upon it. “……” Naturally, I turned my head away. Even now, people still honored the heroes and praised our efforts. Yet here I was, the former hero, reduced to this frail body that could only ask for help. It hurt somewhere in my chest. It still felt like my responsibility. The painful emotions seeped into my very bones. “……” But remembering my mission once more, I pushed those feelings aside and looked at the bulletin board again. Siphel’s drawn face no longer showed the cowardice of the past; instead, she gazed bravely toward the distant sky. Our faces beside her showed no fear, only steadfast resolve as we surrounded her. Yes. I had returned so I wouldn’t bring shame to you who had fallen. I had done many shameful things until now, but here I stood once more. So please, just one more time—believe in me again. Even if the future I desire might not be the ending you all hoped for. Still, so that I won’t be ashamed when I meet you again someday, I will keep moving forward to create a future where no one suffers. That’s why I left behind those who accepted me in that distant place and returned to this land. So, therefore— “……” In that moment, while gazing at the bulletin board from afar, I noticed something strange. “……” My eyesight wasn’t great, so I couldn’t read the writing on the distant board clearly. Why? Had I seen it wrong? Tap, tap-tap-tap—— I had no choice but to open the door with an incredulous expression and step deep into the tavern. Even though I ended up bumping into a passing man’s shoulder along the way. Thud—— “Hey, what the—!?” “……” I paid no attention. My eyes fixed only on the writing on the bulletin board, I strode forward. “Miss, over here!” “……” I reached out and touched the words. “……Siphel……” Because I had finally found news that Siphel was alive and here. “……Siphel, you were alive……!” I felt my eyes grow moist and tremble slightly, but I clutched my chest as my heart began to pound even harder. That day, not only Yuda, but Chris too, Siphel too—many of them had survived. For the first time, I truly understood that fact. “What’s this, miss…… You’re a hero fan too?” Along with the hearty laughter of the man beside me, “Haha! You should’ve said so earlier~” he began explaining the tavern’s secret. “This place is what you might call a home for those who yearn for the heroes’ return more than anyone.” Even on this late night, people gathered in the tavern, laughing brightly. “I still haven’t forgotten what they did for us. Thanks to them, my daughter who survived the war took first place in magi-tech yesterday~!” “……” I listened to the man’s story for a moment, then suddenly— “……” I recalled the memory of saving a young girl who had been isolated during the magi invasion during the Caspia Catastrophe. Unconsciously, I felt relief knowing that the fragile, small child had survived and was living well. “Thank goodness……” I muttered softly, but I was no longer Belberman. In the end, at the man’s puzzled voice reacting to my quiet words, I shut my mouth. “……” Looking back at the bulletin board, I gazed at Siphel’s face—the one who had survived and continued striving until now. “……Well then, welcome to the heroes’ home, miss.” After waiting for the man to return to his work, I began thoroughly searching the bulletin board for news of any other survivors. Unfortunately, the only news about the heroes written there was about Siphel. “……” To learn more about Siphel, I carefully read the words again. The story about Siphel, the mother of magi-tech. “Haha…… This kid……” Although the text only mentioned that Siphel’s recent research had been stagnant, the fact that she had remained a hero even after surviving and continued creating magi-tech made me wonder if this was really the same cowardly Siphel. Looking closely at her portrait, which seemed a little more grown than back then, I felt a bit proud and pleased. At the same time, I wondered if I had forced such a brilliant light of potential onto the front lines too harshly. Little by little, my own shortcomings were being highlighted far too much. “……” So darkness slowly crept over my face. Yet even so, the hope that many others besides Siphel and Chris were still alive began to rise. “……” I slowly turned my head, intending to leave the tavern. Now, what I had to do right away felt clear. If I had realized my old family was alive, then what I had to do now was— “……” Apologize. In the end, the reason the heroes had scattered, the reason we failed at the end, was clearly because of my stubbornness. If I hadn’t clung to my ideals with such obstinacy, perhaps we would still be happily chasing our dreams, meeting again at the tavern and laughing together. But because of my obsession with ideals, I had driven everyone into danger and ended up unable to take responsibility for anything. So even if I could never reclaim those happy times with them, even if I could never fully atone for all the painful memories they endured with my own strength, I would find them again, confess my wrongs, and make amends. I wasn’t sure if it was possible to chase my new ideals for seven years while apologizing to everyone. But Chris. If it was Chris, she would surely know where the others were. So— Tap—— I left the tavern. Dawn would soon break, and according to the note, Chris would definitely return. I went back to the house where she lived. No, where she lived. Swish—— I took off my hat and waited for her to come back. And as if answering my expectations, before long she appeared before me. Though— “Ah…… Chris.” Her form was worn, her face haggard. She staggered, completely drunk from who knows where. “……” Yet in her eyes as she looked at me, the light of regret began to surface, as if recalling memories from long ago. As I called her familiar name while gazing at her frozen figure upon seeing me— “Chris……” She gave no answer, no reaction. She simply rushed forward and embraced me tightly. “——” At her fingertips as she held me close was a desperate longing to grasp the memories of that day. Chris’s sorrowful memories, yearning to reclaim those happy times, those joyful recollections, clung to me like droplets—often called sweat—and seeped deep into me. “Bel, Belberman……!” Though our outward appearances had changed greatly, our hearts remained the same as that day, cherishing each other like family. “Belbermaaaan……!!” The brother weeping from sorrow that pierced the past, and the sister who had always been reliable yet full of problems. In the end, in that form, he who had become her embraced me, and I, held in her arms— “Yeah…… It’s me……” In a small voice. A truly small voice. I answered her anguished cry. “I’m sorry…… I was too late, wasn’t I?” As I received her tears pouring like a waterfall, I too shed a few sorrowful droplets, slowly, finally rejoicing in the reunion that had come to pass. “You fucking bastard……!!” Drunk as she was, perhaps she couldn’t see clearly. She crushed me in her embrace, releasing all the resentment she had built up toward me. It hurt a little, but— Crack—— “Aagh——!?” No, it hurt like hell. “Ah, aaah, C-Chris——” This too was part of my karma. I had to accept it. Yeah, yeah. Sorry for being late. And I’m back. Chris hyung.