In My Absence
I stared at her for a while as she slept.
She had been eating fried rice more deliciously than anyone else in the restaurant, and then she fell asleep. After that, I spent some time simply watching her. The truth was, I couldn’t just leave her there, sound asleep in the middle of the restaurant, so I had planned to wait quietly until she woke up. But as the sun set and there was still no sign of her stirring, I decided it would be wrong to abandon her. So I made up my mind to bring her home.
After all, I was no longer someone who could threaten her. And since we were both women now, there wouldn’t be any particular problem with suddenly bringing her back to my house, would there? So I simply watched her for a while longer.
When I laid her down on the bed, she smiled so comfortably it was as if she were melting away a thousand years of exhaustion. I gazed at that face. Why? Why did her smile feel so familiar to me?
A strange illusion kept rising in my chest and refused to leave my mind. Whenever Belberman drank too much and collapsed onto the bed with my support, he would sometimes fall asleep with that exact smile, letting out strange little sounds. Especially when he was really tired and worn out.
Belberman, who never once showed his tears properly to others, would swallow alcohol in place of those tears, pouring his heart out to us as the hours passed. And in the end, he would fall asleep with that same smile. No matter how exhausted or pained he was, as long as we were by his side, Belberman was the kind of person who could smile like that again.
Yes, he was such an easy person. A man who had been hurt by people could so easily melt again because of people. If I had gone through the same past as Belberman back then, I would have undoubtedly built an impenetrable wall, isolated myself completely, and withered away alone until I died. But Belberman was so terribly easy.
That’s why he was someone I didn’t want to leave. I worried what kind of terrible things might happen to him if we left, so even though I myself couldn’t live a good life, I at least wanted Belberman and the others who stayed with him to live well. That was how our friendship, our affection, began.
A life already abandoned by the world once. It started with ambiguous feelings akin to love and hate—what would we do without each other?—but in the end, it went beyond simple affection. We cared for one another so deeply it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call it family.
Felt, who first brought me into the composite hunting party, loved all of us in that party so much. The woman who approached me when I was nothing but a back-alley gambler was exactly that kind of person.
Then one day, when I was living like a beast, had lost everything, and even gambled away what little money I had left, feeling nothing but emptiness in my life, some members of the hunting party—including Belberman—came to the gambling den. It looked like they had just stopped by for a bit of entertainment. That’s when Felt found me.
I was huddled in a corner, looking like I might kill myself at any moment. She came up to me, first checking if I was hurt. After hearing my story, she cursed me for living a worthless bug’s life, then brought Belberman over and offered me a drink. They really were good people. Kind enough to offer a drink to a random twenty-one-year-old piece of trash with no connection to them whatsoever, and generous with their hearts.
I’m sure they would have helped anyone sitting there in my place. But that wasn’t entirely true. I only realized after joining the hunting party that they weren’t the type to throw their hearts around so carelessly.
The real reason they decided to take me in… In the story behind it, Felt, who had an unusually peculiar personality, couldn’t take her eyes off me from the moment she entered the gambling den. After pestering Jeren dozens of times, she finally got permission to take me, like picking up an abandoned stray cat. That’s what I learned.
Yes. Felt had fallen for me at first sight that day. She was the woman who loved me like that.
She treated everyone in the hunting party like family and loved them all—including Belberman—fiercely. Even so, she was a rather twisted, peculiar woman. But among them, the man called Chris—me—she loved most specially.
That’s why, whenever nothing special was happening, we were always together, sharing our daily lives. In truth, that was half inevitable. I was so unfamiliar with all of this that without Felt, there was no one to help me. And since the rule of the hunting party was that the one who brought someone in had to take responsibility, we were half-forced to stick together.
Even after that, even after I adapted well to the hunting party and began diligently slicing up harmful beasts with my sword, Felt stuck to me like gum, singing of love. Though I found her constant clinging and coquettish behavior burdensome and didn’t know what to do with it.
Felt was truly strange. Should I call it hateful affection? As I said several times, she had a quite twisted personality. Just when I thought she was singing of love, she would often say things that would irritate normal people. At first, when I started staying with her, I wondered what the hell she was doing. But as the years we spent together grew, I began to see her true feelings in her words and actions. The sense that every part of her was gradually drawing closer to my heart made it so I no longer got angry or tired of her.
My heart, which had been that of a worthless back-alley gambler, came to understand her. After meeting her and understanding each other, it gradually changed into something optimistic. That’s how I repented and became a new person.
After meeting Felt, no matter what happened, I no longer fell into pessimism. I simply thought everything flowed according to providence. If something happened that way, then that must be how it was meant to be. Even if a massive event that could change my entire life occurred suddenly, I would think, If things turn out like this, then it must be my fate.
That’s how I came to accept things. And I realized that even in the filthy dark life of a back-alley gambler, bright days would come—just as someone like Felt had brought me to this warm and bright place. So I thought that as long as all the people who made it possible for me to be like this stayed by my side forever, I could accept even the end of the world with indifference.
It was fine. Everything was fine.
When the invasion from the Demon Realm began and the hero stepped forward alone to unify the kingdom, waging a lonely war, Belberman said he would step up even if alone to help him. I didn’t think much of it. If you think you have to do that, then I won’t particularly stop you.
After all, denying it wouldn’t let me live a new life anyway. I was someone who had devoted this entire lifetime to dark shadows. If I had to offer my life, then that must be my fate. Still, I believed the day of our victory would come someday. Because if it was Belberman, even if we were defeated, I could believe he would eventually lead humanity to victory.
So as long as I could be with everyone, as long as I could be with Felt, that was enough. And so, that was how it ended.
At the end of that desperate war, when we finally reached the finale. After Pietro’s strike failed. When the mist spread and the ambush began, I threw myself forward to save Felt, who had been targeted by the Demon King.
Felt and I, who lacked mana aptitude, had to face the Demon King with each other’s weapons. Felt, who excelled at hiding her presence, would occasionally launch surprise attacks on the Demon King. Even though it was a completely disadvantageous battle, she created enough breathing room for us to keep going. So I guarded her back and supported her.
But after Pietro failed and the Demon King’s counterattack began, Felt panicked and made a mistake. The moment she was targeted by the Demon King, I threw my entire body to protect her. Even though I shielded her like that, she still got caught in the attack and lost consciousness with fairly severe injuries.
As for me, a massive hole had been punched through my chest. Half my heart was gone, and all my blood began pouring out from my chest. But at least I didn’t lose consciousness until the very end. I couldn’t lose consciousness. Because I wanted to protect Felt, at least.
No matter how much I had thought it was fine even if we were defeated, I hated the idea of dying like this. So, to protect her, I clung to consciousness until the end. Inside the mist, I couldn’t see any of the others, and the only sounds echoing through the corridor were those of everyone dying. Still, I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t lose consciousness. If I could at least protect Felt, who was within reach of my hand… If I could do that, then maybe the filthy heart I had lived with all my life could be washed even a little.
So even with my chest pierced, I held her in my arms and tried somehow to get out of that area. At that point, with injuries like these, I wouldn’t be any help in battle anyway. If it was Belberman, he would surely be able to finish it even without us. Even if we fell, he would surely manage.
It was selfish. But to me, Felt—who had loved me that much—came first. So I tried to take her and escape the corridor. But at that moment, Justitia’s final magic exploded. In the end, I lost my grip on Felt and was flung far away somewhere.
Even so, even after being thrown so far, I kept clinging to consciousness until the end and struggled to get up. What began to appear in my blurred vision was the completely charred Justitia and the countless shattered remains of my comrades. So many pieces of corpses were piled up like a mountain, covering half my body.
I still cannot forget that sight. The moment when my blood and the blood of countless comrades mixed together and covered my entire body. As expected, we were defeated.
Even though I tried to think of it so casually, we had built so much through our desperate struggles until now. And even a fool like me had wished for this horrific frontline to end here. So now that it seemed we had reached the conclusion, only the sensation of defeat surged up, pressing heavily down on my body. The pressure of that sight made me unable to even feel the will to stand again.
Was it because my heart was destroyed? Or was it the guilt of trying to run away while leaving behind those who had always been sincere? I could not move any further. I couldn’t search for where Felt had gone, nor could I move to check if Belberman had brought things to a close.
As expected, the end of a worthless, ungrateful bug’s life seemed most fitting beneath the feet of my family who had died heroic deaths. So in the end, I closed my eyes, about to fall into sleep.
I, who had always lived thinking optimistically. I, who had been picked up by Felt and realized that bright days would come someday, living with a joyful heart. In the end, I collapsed there.
With a heart that had become a complete mess. Carrying guilt and remorse. My tattered heart thought, I should have done a little better, just a little better. As expected, it seemed I was someone who could never truly be reformed. And so, it ended.
But at the very instant when the end of my life was about to be written, I heard it.
It was Siphel. That cowardly, crybaby Siphel had survived in the end and had come to save me.
Though there was almost no blood left in my body by then. Even so, when I saw that small, timid girl running desperately toward me with her feet rubbed raw and red, her shoes completely worn through, and then hugging me tightly, I thought… I shouldn’t close my eyes here after all.
This little coward had worked so hard to survive and come for me. So I couldn’t die like this. I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I forced strength into my shattered heart.
“Felt… Where’s Felt…?”
Together with Siphel, who carried me on her back using every last ounce of strength in her tiny body and staggered forward. Although we couldn’t find where Felt had gone from there, we survived like that.
“·····”
I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them again and looked once more at her, who was lying on my bed and breathing softly in her sleep.
Yes. Even if a miracle occurred in this world, could there be a miracle like that? The fact that I, whose heart had been destroyed, had survived was already an impossible miracle. No matter how bright the days that came might be, something like that could never happen.
Even if Belberman had returned alive by his own power, how could he come back with such a healthy body? Moreover, in the body of a woman? Of course, even I, whose heart had been destroyed, had to become this kind of body in order to survive. But that was only possible because she had single-handedly developed magi-tech after saving me. How could Belberman, isolated alone in the Demon Realm, have survived and returned like that? There was no way.
A miracle like that—if it happened even once, we should be shouting in joy. Even if someone had rescued the dying Belberman, they wouldn’t have been able to save him in that way. Magi-tech wasn’t something so easy, and she had sacrificed so much to reach its pinnacle. The body reactivation technique I received was also the pinnacle of magi-tech.
Yes.
“···· Haa.”
No matter how similar she looked, this woman was someone else. Belberman was already dead. Because I… because I was useless. Because I couldn’t come to my senses until the end. In the end, we were all defeated. We lost just like that.
So.
Tap———
So. Still. Even so. I couldn’t give up.
Tap———
In the end, as the sun set, I went outside. At night, besides my patrol duties, there was something else I had to do. The moment gloomy darkness settled over this land, which had become incomparably brighter compared to several years ago, I carefully wrapped myself in a robe and stepped toward the street where rather flashy neon signs glowed.
And then. After entering a shabby shop tucked away in a corner.
“The child you reserved is in the usual room~”
“…Thanks, Madam.”
The madam, whose face had become far too familiar by now. She was so young to be called “madam” that I wasn’t even sure if that was the right thing to call her, but apparently there was a tradition, so that’s what I called her. Leaving the madam behind, I walked briskly to the end room and opened the door.
Clack———
“······”
“···· You’re here again.”
Without a left wrist. Without a left ear.
“Don’t you get tired of it? Eating the same woman over and over.”
It was Felt.
“·····.”
Without a word, I walked over to where she sat on the sofa beside the bed and quietly sat down next to her. She glanced at me sideways, staring intently, then spoke while roughly smearing the sloppy makeup she had put on, making it hideous.
“Why did you come?”
As if she had known I would come today.
“I’m not going back.”
She said it while looking at her missing left hand.
“I’ve told you so many times. I… I can’t anymore.”
Even though I simply sat silently beside her, staring at the floor with my mouth buried in the collar of my robe, she, who had been tousling her short hair beside me, grew angry at my continued silence, just like any other day.
“How many days has this been going on? You’re not seriously trying to say you still want to love me even after I’ve become like this, are you?”
Even as I listened to her self-mocking venom, I simply remained quiet. I simply sat on the sofa.
“I… I can’t go back anymore.”
While covering her missing left ear with her disheveled hair, still unable to shake off that day that refused to be erased from her memory, Felt, who was still staring at that moment, curled up in the corner of the sofa and hugged her own legs.
So I glanced at her sideways for a moment, then, listening to the tremor and sobs in her voice, I spoke in a low voice.
“…Let’s go back.”
How many days had I been saying these words? Just as Felt said, it was truly futile behavior.
“Siphel is waiting.”
With a gentle voice that was no different from those days I could not return to, I pleaded with her.
“That’s enough now… Let’s go back.”
Stop doing this.
“Even so, someday… everything will get better…”
Now, let’s go back home.
The home we could return to had already collapsed. But I had learned from Belberman’s life that a home was something you had to build yourself.
“…When?”
But.
“When will it get better?”
Even so.
“Does that bastard Siphel still think she can do something? Seriously, she can’t even take care of one thing she made herself… and she acts like she’s Belberman——”
Felt had no intention of changing her mind at all.
“You know just as well as I do that without Belberman, we’re nothing, right?”
The memories and recollections of the past had all become deep wounds engraved in the depths of her chest. No matter what I said, Felt only wanted to forget that pain right now. That was why she had shut herself away in a place like this.
“In the end, she was just a useless gambler too… Knowing it’s all over, why does she keep struggling like this…”
I closed my eyes again and began listening only to her voice.
“It’s all over now. I can’t do it… I really can’t do it anymore…”
She began to sob again. I quietly sat beside her, crossed my legs, and entrusted my body to the warmth inside the robe that wrapped me. She, who could not feel that warmth, sobbed and sobbed. Unable to let go of the painful memories that had all turned into scars, hating me so much for reviving those memories every single day, she stayed far away from me and sobbed like that.
However.
Clink———
She took out a bottle of alcohol from somewhere, threw off one layer of the clothes that had been covering her body, and said,
“Anyway, you came here after pouring money into it for this, didn’t you?”
She was trying to cover those painful memories with distorted desire. I felt truly sorry for her. The sight of her pouring alcohol into her mouth as she approached me looked so… so sad.
And then.
“Now that we’re the same sex, you can look at my body all you want. Is that why you can’t leave easily?”
With an absurd excuse, she climbed on top of me as I sat on the sofa, grabbed both my cheeks—which were filled with guilt—and poured the alcohol into me.
“So please, just leave me alone…”
Even as she said that, she wouldn’t let go of me.
“Stop showing me… Please, stop now…”
As if waterboarding me, she held onto me as I drowned under the alcohol she poured indiscriminately.
“Get away from Siphel, get away from Belberman… Now please, you too, live your own life…”
When my face turned bright red and the smell of alcohol began to fill the room completely.
“Stop it, please…”
Only then, in this state, did Felt finally reveal her true feelings honestly. It had already been a week since she started saying these things to me.
“You know there’s not even that shadow by our side anymore, Chris…”
Even so, the fact that I still couldn’t let her go, the fact that she still couldn’t let me go, was because we still hadn’t reclaimed our own lives. That was why we still wanted to hold each other so tightly. The reason Felt, who kept shouting for me to go back, couldn’t push me away until the end was also because, to her as well, the memories of that day were still beautiful. Because she still wanted to go back. In the end, she couldn’t sever the only link that connected her to those days—me.
Slide———
How many days had it been since we started continuing this unhealthy relationship? It already felt like several months.
“·····”
Until now, I had neither known nor wanted to know what a relationship with the same sex was like. After all, I was a man. I liked women. The very idea of homosexuality between men filled me with utter disgust. If something like that had happened inside the hunting party, I probably would have tried to kill the bastards even if it meant giving up my position as the eldest brother. That was how negatively I viewed homosexuality.
Of course, that hasn’t changed much even now. But.
“Haa, Chris… A little more…”
I never knew I had this much talent for this. Even though I was half-drenched in alcohol and not fully conscious. War is a painful thing. It twists and distorts all the feelings we have for each other.
“Come a little closer…”
Felt wasn’t this kind of person either. Yet it turns people into this. And even I, watching it, gradually became unable to stop myself. Even though the woman I loved had fallen to this state. Even though she was becoming this much of a mess because of my hands. Even so, I couldn’t stop my hands.
It was always, always like this. The reason I couldn’t easily take her away was because even I still didn’t know what I truly wanted. Because of that, rather than letting her show this kind of appearance to someone else because I couldn’t protect her, I thought it was better for her to be like this with me. So. So the heart that wanted to protect her, everything, became distorted and broken. Because I had come to think this was the best option, in the end I couldn’t refuse her hand.
Stream———
I really wanted to get it back. I wanted to get back those lost, unreturnable times. Felt was my old comrade whom I had somehow found while thinking that way. My first love. My painful past. But now, that is too difficult.
I couldn’t have lived so desperately while hoping for a future like this. But getting it back… In the end, if she doesn’t want it, then it’s not something I can wish for either. It is so very difficult. I’m not wishing for anything grand. I’m not hoping to restore Belberman’s prestige or to follow in his footsteps. Just… just like before, gathering again, clinking our glasses, laughing like fools at foolish things, then leading our dazed heads somehow to the bedroom, tangling together healthily with Felt and waking up to the next morning. That… that was what was so good.
But for Felt, that must be difficult now. It is difficult to be together like that, which is why we cannot go back. The reason we say let’s live our own lives is probably because we don’t want to lose each other again. But that is the same for me. I don’t want to feel the sense of losing each other anymore either.
However. I am someone who owes a great debt. To Belberman. To Felt. And to Siphel. I owe them an enormous debt. And also. I still don’t want to stand alone. The things that made up who I was were not me, but others. It was because all of you were there that I was able to live as the man called Chris. That is why, even though my body has changed like this, I feel almost no emotion about it. What could always define me was not myself, but all of you who loved me.
That’s why. I want to be together again. So next week, I will come find Felt again. Tomorrow is the weekend, so Felt should be resting too. Therefore, I will go to her house tomorrow morning. Next week, I will come at the time she goes to work. The week after that. And the week after that. Until the day she decides to be with us again. It doesn’t matter even if my house falls apart. It wasn’t my house to begin with. My home disappeared a long time ago.
So, Felt. It’s okay if you’re broken. It’s okay if you collapse. It’s okay if you drown in dirty emotions, steeped in pleasure, trying to forget everything with intoxication. But. Please don’t try to forget us. Please don’t forget me either. I… I need all of you. I need you. Still. Still, for bright days to come, I need you.
Tap, tap———
Once again, I escorted the heavily drunk her back home. I was quite drunk myself and not in a state to distinguish things clearly, but taking her all the way to her house wasn’t difficult. It was fine. And right now, there was another woman staying at my house. No matter how soundly she slept, I had to return before dawn. Besides meeting Felt, there was still work left to do.
Tap———
“You drank again…?”
“·····”
Once a week. There was a drug I had to be administered to maintain this body.
“…You can stop now, Chris.”
So as soon as my time with Felt ended, I went to her laboratory. After exchanging brief greetings with her, who made time for me despite being busy, I sat in the chair she indicated and watched the various magi-tech devices approaching me.
“If Felt wants it… you can let her live her own life……”
But along with her voice that came together with them.
“Chris……”
“What are you saying, Siphel……”
At Siphel’s voice. The voice of Siphel, who had single-handedly established the concept of magi-tech in order to save me. Perhaps because I had drunk too much, even breathing was a little difficult now, so I loosened my robe as I spoke.
“·····”
“I…… I……”
What kind of emotion was on Siphel’s face as she looked at me like that? I, who could barely even open my eyes, tightly shut them again and panted with hot breaths. The sense that the words I wanted to say and the words in my heart would not match at all made me suddenly turn my head, stopping my words altogether.
“Fuck, I don’t know anymore……!”
In the end, as I looked at the syringe approaching my neck, I slowly released my strength.
“…Still, you mustn’t overdo it.”
Together with the needle that began digging into my neck and the drug that started flowing into my body from there.
“The side effects will get worse. If you’re not careful, your heart might just stop……”
“I know, I know…… I get it……”
We talked about this and that for a little while. But why did it turn out like this? I tried to recall for a moment in my drunken state, but ah, as expected. My head hurts. So I stopped that too. Living. Why is living so exhausting? Why is it so tragic? I know. I know, and that makes it even sadder.
Belberman. Belberman. If you had been here, would anything have changed? Something would have changed, surely. Because everyone was ready to give their liver and gallbladder if it was your word. But. Why can’t I do that? Belberman. Please. Please tell me what I should do now. Please tell me what I need to do so that bright days can come. I… Where should I go now? Do I have to fight the Demon King again? Or, just as Felt said… should I really stop?
But you know. I… I still need everyone. So Belberman. Please appear before me again. Please. Whether as a dead figure or a living one. Please appear before me again. Still, still. Tell me that bright days can come again. Like that day. Like the bright day when you appeared with Felt and took me away. Tell me that days like that can come again. I’m… I’m having such a hard time right now……
Tap———
And it was on the way back home that I heard it.
“……Chris.”
Did I see a hallucination? Or had I really gone crazy?
“Bel……berman……”