Even So
Even so. 54. Even so. But when had it been? Lost in such sorrowful thoughts, had I simply grown too weary and fallen asleep? When I forced my heavy eyelids open and glanced toward the window, bright sunlight was already pouring in, casting its glare across the room. Chris, who had been holding me through the night, was gone. Vanished somewhere once more. Off on patrol, perhaps. Or maybe she’d slipped out again for reasons of her own. Still. It didn’t matter. I was leaving this place soon anyway. The last farewell… Yes, the last farewell. Even so, I thought it would be better to share at least that much. If I disappeared without a word again, she would be truly heartbroken. The thought lingered. But then, at that moment—
Thud———
The bathroom door swung open. Hot steam billowed out, and Chris stepped through it, a towel draped over her shoulders, roughly toweling her wet hair. When I raised an eyebrow at the sight, she spoke, voice still unsteady.
“Oh… you’re awake.”
She faltered for a moment, clearly unaccustomed to this scene, this situation. After drying herself off, she grabbed a set of loose, comfortable clothes and began pulling them on.
“Sleep well? Sorry.”
Was she trying to deny what had happened last night?
“Last night… I was just mistaken, that’s all. So you don’t need to worry about it.”
She was brushing off the way she’d clung to me and wept as if it had been nothing. Yet her face was far too dark. She wore that careless smile, pretending it meant nothing, but somewhere in her expression I could feel the quiet plea for me to deny it. In the way she tried to erase Belberman’s existence, I sensed how desperately she longed for that return.
“…”
I watched her for a moment, lips parting to speak. But… was this right? Chris believed I wasn’t Belberman. If that was the case, she would see me as nothing more than a nameless passerby, someone who would leave no trace once gone. Yet if I made her recognize me as Belberman once more, she would surely try to hold on. After all, even Chris carried the same desperate wish to return to the past.
So I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Quietly. I tried to nod, as if I were a stranger. As if last night had been nothing more than a fleeting winter dream. Like breath that rises into the sky only to vanish without a trace. That was how I meant to disappear. But—
“…Chris.”
Even after realizing it so clearly, I couldn’t abandon my greed. Or perhaps it was because I had seen Yuda’s shadow standing beside her. I had never told Yuda anything. I’d simply let him go. Those memories still sat lodged in my heart like stakes that refused to come loose. That day, after I’d protected him, I’d hoped that if the chance ever came, we could share so many stories. But the opportunity had vanished like an illusion, leaving only a gaping hole in my chest. Only the stake driven deep into that wound. Yet now it was different. An opportunity had appeared.
Yuda was staring straight at me. Silent. Motionless. Half his face gone, he simply watched. Watched. As if to say that if an opportunity came, I should seize it—no matter what it was. As if this chance might never return. As if I mustn’t let it slip away like before. So I changed my mind, just a little.
“……”
“It’s me, Chris.”
Maybe it would be all right to talk a little before leaving. If I told her everything and then departed, perhaps she would understand.
“It’s me… I’m Belberman.”
So I reached out to stop her from pretending it had all been nothing.
“Even if I’ve ended up in this body… Chris, I’m the same as you.”
I placed my fingertips gently over my heart.
“Inside here, the me you all loved… is still there.”
I looked at her softly. Then—
“……Damn it…”
Chris pressed both hands to her face, shoulders trembling violently.
“It was real… It was real…”
Her voice shook with overwhelming emotion as she repeated the words again and again.
“Belbermaaan…!”
She dropped her hands, revealing a face streaked with tears, and began walking toward me.
Thud———
I rose quietly from the sofa. Just as she had welcomed my return, I welcomed her—the one who now faced the past once more. The moment I had longed for so desperately. Thanks to Yuda, who had appeared again to tell me not to let it slip away. So even though I had planned to leave, I embraced her willingly. Even if this was the last time. Yes. If I could leave with happiness until the very end, it would be better for both of us. I patted her back, tears welling in my eyes. She clung to me tightly—more controlled than yesterday, without causing pain—and spoke in a trembling voice.
“I missed you… I missed you so much, Belberman…! I’m so glad you’re alive, Belberman…!”
She still seemed to think I wasn’t truly Belberman. Those words felt directed at someone far away. But as I continued to stroke her back, Chris slowly began to accept it. After some time, her tears subsided. She released me, stepped back carefully, and—
Swish———
Without a word, she held out her fist. Just like that day. Like those irretrievable days. Once more. Like those happy times. Whether good things had happened to us or bad, it was the greeting we had always shared. So, unlike that day, my fist was much smaller now. Still, I raised it toward hers—the same fist from those days.
But then—
Swish———
I opened my palm instead, as if winning at rock-paper-scissors. Just like in those days when Chris offered a fist bump and I never missed a chance to tease her. Playfully, I formed a fist, then spread it open like paper.
“I win.”
The happy memories surfaced, and I smiled brightly—truly brightly.
“……”
Chris’s lips twitched. Then she smiled, moved beyond words.
“You little bastard…”
She ruffled my hair roughly. Pabapak———
“Aack——”
It felt good. So good. In that moment, it was as if I had truly returned to that day. From the tips of her fingers messing up my hair with that playful gesture, I felt something like regret. I embraced her once more, carefully.
“I’m back, Chris…”
I whispered, making sure she could hear. She wrapped her arms around my head and back, pulling me in tight—really tight. Gradually, her sobs returned.
“Really… Really, Belberman is here…”
She spoke to me.
“While you were gone… so many things happened…”
I couldn’t answer. All I could do was apologize. Yet holding each other like this, my heart felt so at peace. I had truly believed I would never feel this again. Was choosing after seeing Yuda’s hallucination the right decision? Or… was even this the beginning of an ending I would someday lose? Perhaps I had already set it in motion.
“I’m sorry…”
So to her, still sobbing in my arms, those were the only words I could offer. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Someday, I might make the wrong choice again and sacrifice you. Even so, the part of me that wants to stay by your side and feel this warmth… I can only be sorry. That’s all I am. Yes. That’s right. Then… what am I seeing now? The future? The past? Me, right now—what am I thinking? My head… it feels like it’s coming apart. Chris, even though this feels so good right now… I’m terrified.