The Way Back - 1: Begging for Love
The way back—1
Begging for Love.
She knew better than anyone how miserable this was.
How could she not know, when she'd stared at it her whole life?
Begging and clinging like this only left her with shame and emptiness in the end.
But even if that was what would happen, right now she wanted to cling to her older sister.
No, she couldn't hold on without clinging.
Her heart ached.
Every time it pounded, making her ears ring, her chest felt crushed.
Self-loathing welled up.
Why couldn't she even properly hate?
She wasn't the one who should be hated.
The ones she should hate were her divorced parents, whom she'd tried so hard to please, and her brother, who had pushed all the misfortune onto her despite her efforts to be a good little sister.
But why was she only hating herself?
The girl sobbed repeatedly, clutching her older sister's sleeve, pouring out tears, and screaming that she wanted to hate.
But the more she did that, the more the girl who couldn't hate those three remained.
The girl who couldn't become a proper adult or a proper child, the grotesque figure of a girl remained.
The girl turned her head away from that appearance of herself.
As if saying that if it wasn't visible to her eyes, then there was nothing, she turned her gaze away from reality with all her might.
Her older sister, hesitant, raised her hand in response to the girl's outburst.
She wanted to hug her tighter.
She wanted to stroke her back and hold her hand.
But she didn't know if it was okay to do so.
If she embraced her too hastily, she might shatter.
If she simply expressed affection, she felt the girl would only gaze at this kind of love.
Love that depended on others...
She knew it was greedy.
She knew that what the girl needed right now wasn't this neatly categorized love, but rather a love like a coat that would warm her body first.
Still, her older sister couldn't embrace the girl.
“Rin.”
Her voice trembled without her realizing.
She had to be careful, she couldn't make a mistake.
That thought tightened her throat, and Haru felt a faint dizziness, like altitude sickness.
Still, she forced herself to continue speaking.
“Do you want to hate? Really?”
And she asked about the three people.
The girl's parents and brother.
“If you want to hate, let's practice hating together here. There are no uncles and aunts here. Let's properly hate here and go back.”
She thought they shouldn't return like this.
Whether the girl had become a girl or the girl's family, the ones she wanted to hate had to hate properly and return.
Thinking that, Haru held the girl's hand and met her gaze.
Looking straight into her shaking eyes, she held her hand tightly.
“Haru couldn't refuse requests from others for three years because of that. In fact, Rin would have suffered more... but let's try it together now, hating.”
“Ah... aah...”
“We actually came here for this. So, let's try a little harder.”
Haru said that, stealing a glance at the girl's tear-streaked eyes.
And carefully holding the girl's hand, she stood up from her seat.
Standing up, she went to where the sheep were.
“That sheep looks just like the section chief. She's gone crazy over women and was singing to me to go on a date.”
She didn't say it loudly, but Haru definitely let out a bad word.
“It was really gross. Smelling like that and always asking me to go on a date.”
“Ah.”
“I should have cut her off from the beginning, but I got scared for nothing. Tch!”
Frowning, clicking her tongue, and grumbling in anger.
The girl stared blankly at her older sister's face.
Her hand gripped tightly, fingers locked, and she swallowed dry saliva repeatedly in her throbbing chest.
And she looked at the sheep, and at Haru's face.
She quietly looked at Haru's heavily distorted face.
“Ah...?”
Her face flushed.
Even as the cold wind slapped her face, a surge of heat pierced through.
She couldn't take her eyes off that face.
“Rin, try it too. Surprisingly, it feels good?”
The face with a mischievous smile was strangely imprinted on her mind.
Like a cigarette lighter blooming in the darkness of night.
“T-that.”
“Quickly.”
The girl forced her head to turn to the sheep due to Haru's urging.
The sheep was freely grazing the grass without any reaction to Haru's insults.
It must have been exactly that appearance that her dad had wanted.
But the girl couldn't become that.
“I, I, actually...”
Because wherever her dad, who said anything was fine, took her was all related to sports.
“I don't like things like sports...”
The girl sobbed again.
To hold back her breath, she made a sound like gulping, sniffling her nose.
“I don't like sports, dad.”
Still, she started hating properly while gathering strength.
She said why she hated, and how much she hated.
“Because dad liked it, I tried hard, but I still don't like it. It's not fun. I wanted to read books.”
She didn't lack talent for sports.
Her strength quickly increased, and she had flexibility.
But, it wasn't fun.
She didn't want to immerse herself in something that was just painful, tiring, and hard.
Above all, her talent was only mediocre, to the point where even on the street one could find someone better than her.
“I hate it so much...! As much as I tried, I hate it too much!”
It was a talent so ambiguous that while others might think it's fine if she did well, she herself was tormented by pain.
“I hate... Dad, I hate. Hwaaaaaang!”
Normally, a person would say they're not a player but aiming for another path.
Or honestly say they don't have talent.
But the girl didn't do that.
She blindly accepted all expectations with her body.
Even if she was suffering, she forced herself thinking that her parents or brother wouldn't suffer as much.
That was now coming as pain.
A pain so great that without borrowing the power of tears, she couldn't vomit it out.
“Guk, guk! I hate mom too, mom too!”
The girl, with eyes blurred by tears and barely visible, glared at the sheep.
She was still following the sheep in front.
“I wanted to become the protagonist! Not Green or Blue!”
Was it a story from a tokusatsu show?
Haru thought that upon hearing the girl's outburst and hugged the girl.
“I also... I also... wanted to be special! I wanted to be loved! Like a brother, making many friends! I wanted to do special things!”
But mom didn't allow the girl to become special.
Because she focused too much on her brother's back support, she told the girl who had been good to just grow up normally.
Normally.
Because of that, the girl never became the protagonist.
At the school festival, she couldn't become a prince, and she couldn't even become the vice president of her class.
The one who could become was just a plain student A that anyone could see anywhere.
She hated that so much.
She wanted to be special.
She wanted to be loved, and she wanted everyone to praise her.
“Guk, guk...”
But now, everything was too late.
The girl, without caring if her clothes got dirty, sat down on the spot with that thought, and Haru stroked her shoulders and comforted her.
For ten minutes, twenty minutes, she kept patting her back until the girl calmed down.
“Guk, gu, guuuu...”
And when the girl's breathing returned, the girl blankly looked up at the sky, then dropped her head.
The girl staggering with body, unable to put strength in her fingers.
Haru received the girl's body and carefully helped her up, and the girl sat on the bench with her trembling legs.
And when she could slowly lift her head, the girl suddenly burst into laughter.
“Ahah, ahahaha!”
A strange pleasure quickly surged.
For the first time in her life, she said she hated her parents.
She couldn't say about her brother, but she didn't even want to say it.
On the topic of becoming the protagonist alone, and then shifting all misfortune onto others, she had no value in saying anything.
“Ahahaha! This, this was it...”
When the laughter subsided, emptiness started again.
It was just one word.
It wouldn't make her dad or mom suffer much, just a bit of disappointment and end.
But why had she worried and feared so much?
If she had said it earlier, maybe something would have changed...
As emotions changed rapidly, a slight nausea came.
She felt like vomiting at any moment, and at the same time, sleepiness came.
“...I'm sleepy, Haru.”
The casual speech flowed out.
“Uuuuh.”
She rubbed her head and acted spoiled, using the tantrum she never did before, and begged to sleep right now.
“Shall we go to the tent and sleep? There's still some time left until we leave.”
Haru gently stroked the girl's back.
She gently stroked the girl's back for the first time she said she hated someone.