Glamping - 5
The girl's expression of anger was ambiguous. It was too much to say, really creaking with pain. Not angry like fire, it was far too calm. Her face didn't twist, her breathing didn't roughen. No trembling hands or teeth-grinding. But she wasn't angry like ice either.
The girl's eyes shook widely, and the words coming out of her mouth didn't cross any lines. It was like desperately suppressing emotions about to spill... ambiguous. Anger itself seemed like imitating others.
“Then I'll guide you to the sheep ranch~!”
The farm owner, true to his professional nature, responded with a bright voice even to the girl's impulsive action and led them toward the sheep.
Then he explained the sheep's habits in an interesting way. If one ran, all would follow in a herd, and if one encountered an obstacle and jumped, even if the obstacle was gone, they'd all jump together.
With that, Rin continued calmly, her lips curved into a strange smile.
“Mother wanted me to be like that.”
While driving safely and only stopping at stalls with permission, her mother. Rin's mother hadn't expected Rin to be extraordinary. What her mother had wished for was ordinary. Going to elementary, middle, and high school, then university, finding a job, getting married, having children—that kind of life. It was certainly not a difficult request.
Rin wasn't disabled, and when she was a boy, she could talk and try her best. So, at first glance, it was no different from the wish for healthy growth. But the standards for ordinary were not one but many.
Even asking to be only 50th out of 100 would, at the moment the standard became five, put her in the top 3%. Six would be 1%. If the number of standards increased, there was nothing more to say. And if Rin's mother had wanted 30th instead of 50th, what then?
30th was definitely achievable with effort. But it wasn't an easy rank to attain. Moreover, if that area was about five standards, only 2-3 out of 1000 could achieve all of it. That was what Rin's mother had demanded of her.
To do that, she had no choice but to erase her self. She had wanted to be empty-headed like these sheep and follow others. Rin had done that. She believed that if she did things right, her parents wouldn't fight.
But she had failed. Even if she passed the standards, her parents didn't stop fighting.
“No, Mom fought even harder.”
“...”
“When I tried hard, she fought even harder.”
Rin tilted her head, fiddling with the corners of her mouth.
“Why was that? I moved obediently like a sheep.” Even though she became the child her mother wanted, her mother didn't stop the couple's fights. Rin said that while looking at the farm owner introducing the cows.
The cows were freely grazing the grass unlike the sheep. Father came to mind. Father had the opposite view of her mother. After all, most things in the future would be handled by AI, so find what you really like and do only that well. So father always asked Rin what she wanted to do.
No matter how the answers changed, he didn't care. To Rin who found even following others exhausting, he forcibly gave her interests. Naturally, Rin fulfilled her father's requests. No, there was no choice but to fulfill them. Rin wanted to be loved in a harmonious family.
Thinking back now, it was quite painful. She had to fulfill all the opposite demands of mom and dad. And the more she tried, the farther she got from the desired peace.
“...”
“Rin...?”
Was giving up better? If she had died then, she wouldn't have to suffer like this, right?
Rin seriously thought about it, but soon a thought popped up, and she laughed, covering her face.
“Couldn't, huh, Noona?”
“Eh? What?”
“No.”
Suicide was something she couldn't do. After all the fighting her mom and dad did, they wouldn't commit suicide. No, it wasn't just suicide. Even though they pushed their child so hard, the two of them loved their child deeply.
They warned about the dangers of alcohol and cigarettes, showing terrifying photos, and explained repeatedly how dangerous it was to ride playground equipment wrong. In that regard, they were good parents. Just not good spouses. Thinking like that, Rin leaned her head on Noona's arm, and Noona hugged her, checking her face.
...She still had that strange smile. But, as said at the rest stop, it didn't seem like anger toward family. It seemed like she was forcing an angry expression, thinking she had to be angry.
“Was I lacking?”
“Rin, that's... not...”
“I wanted that. Rather.”
Rin tightly held Noona's fingers and continued.
“Rather, if my lack of effort, if I was lacking, made Mom and Dad fight, then it would be good. If Brother tormented me too, it would be good. Rather... I wish that had happened.”
A voice mixed with resignation. From the deeply bowed head, tears slowly welled up, and Rin's face, which had been smiling, filled with pain.
“But... b-but, huh, right?”
Even so, when looking at Noona, she somehow forced a smile. She pressed tears with the back of her hand, forced the corners of her mouth up, and smiled that way.
“Just... if Mom and Dad just, no matter what I did, if they had divorced... then my efforts... my efforts?”
“...”
“I, I really tried hard. I didn't like studying, wanted to play with friends, but endured it all, studied, pretended to be good. Singing and PE, I tried hard too.”
“Rin.”
“But even so, nothing I did was useful...! Such, such things...”
But that smile didn't last long. Her voice gradually grew agitated, and Rin began to feel genuine anger. She shouted, but didn't spew vulgar curses, just furrowed her brows and her hands trembled.
“Wh, why... why...!”
Noona hugged that girl and sat on a flat rock nearby. And petted Rin's head.
Rin hugged Noona's arm, repeating that she didn't like it. Didn't like mom, didn't like dad, didn't like brother, didn't like everything. But even so, she couldn't bring herself to say she hated them. Directly saying it might make her feel better, but still couldn't say that word.
“Don't like, don't like. Haru Noona, everything doesn't like. All, all don't like!”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“Don't like, Haru Noona... Noona, I, I...!”
With a jumbled speech pattern, somehow expressing anger. She said she didn't like mom, dad, brother. But even while saying she didn't like them, the target of Rin's anger wasn't them.
What Rin truly hated was—
“I, I hate too much...”
Herself, who couldn't seal the family to the end. Even knowing it was impossible, even knowing she didn't depend on herself, Rin couldn't stop self-loathing.
If she had fulfilled everything the two wanted, maybe there would have been no divorce. If she had actively stopped the couple's fights like Brother, maybe the relationship with Brother wouldn't have been bad. But she had failed at everything.
Moved like a sheep with empty head, but couldn't move as fast as her mother wanted. Ate grass freely like a cow, but didn't have principles as much as her father wanted. Lied on her belly like a guard dog, but couldn't be the obedient younger sister her brother wanted. All failed. And because of that, the family broke.
In such delusions, Rin had no choice but to hate herself more than anyone else.
“Rin...”
Noona closed her lips tightly and quietly hugged Rin.
“So that's how it was.”
She wanted to say it's not like that. She wanted to say they divorced because the two of them weren't compatible in the end. She wanted to say that Brother tormented Rin because both were young. But those words didn't reach the current Rin, and Noona empathized with her.
She gave Rin the words she wanted to hear when Noona was struggling alone in that black company.
“You tried hard. This anger too, really tried hard. Thanks.”
“Hic, hic.”
“Thanks, Rin. For telling me. Thanks for keeping that promise with me.”
Not denying the words, but grateful that she didn't harm herself... Grateful that she kept the promise even though it was hard.
Then Rin stopped saying she didn't like, and strongly gripped Noona's arm.
“Noona...”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Noona, Noona, I... don't hate you... okay?”
And for the first time, she clung to Noona, asking her to love her.