Why Is It So Unfair?
Hope “…It’s impossible to fully cure it, but improvement is definitely possible, so please don’t be too discouraged.” The doctor spoke in a gentle voice. Hearing those words, I lowered my head and stared blankly at the floor tiles. Worried. First, Minwoo, who would have to hear this news. Jiwoo and Mom, who had already heard it right in front of me—their hearts must have shattered. They were what worried me. Maybe my brain was trying to escape reality. Or perhaps I had already resigned myself long ago. Either way, neither reason was good, so a sigh escaped me.
“Keep up with rehabilitation exercises, stretch often so your joints don’t stiffen, take your vitamins… and it would be good if you could go for walks, even short ones.”
“…Understood.”
The doctor continued speaking after that, but I couldn’t really hear it. After all, the words weren’t meant for me—they were for Mom and Jiwoo—so there was no need to listen. …Hope. Don’t think about it.
“Rehabilitation will definitely make things easier, so please don’t be discouraged, patient.”
“…!!”
“You’ll be better off than you are now.”
“…My muscles barely responded earlier, though.”
“If you exercise and keep trying to move, you’ll regain enough function.”
The doctor said that, adding that it was a miracle the condition had only progressed this far in ten years. I looked at the doctor weakly, nodded, then stood up and limped over to take Jiwoo and Mom’s hands.
“We’ll do the MRI next week, Doctor.”
“Understood. Please make the appointment on your way out.”
The doctor answered Jiwoo’s trembling voice in a subdued tone. I left the hospital in a daze and stared blankly at the ceiling while Mom handled the payment. …If I could get better, I wanted to learn dancing from Yeon-a too. I had wanted to buy full tracking gear and show it to people. The thought that it might be impossible made tears well up again. It hurt to realize I couldn’t repay the people I loved—the ones who loved me.
Mom approached me. “…Suhyun.”
When I looked up, sniffling, Mom stared at me with an expression that looked like it would shatter at the slightest touch. “M…om.”
“…Don’t cry. It’s Mom’s fault… everything is Mom’s fault.”
“Hic…!”
As I buried my face in Mom’s arms and wiped my tears, I saw Jiwoo silently crying behind her. “…I want to walk too… I want to be happy… but it’s so hard.”
Muttering that, I stepped out of the hospital and cried until we caught a taxi.
Once we got a taxi, I sat by the window and stared blankly outside. “……”
The taxi started moving in silence. The scenery outside changed rapidly. I sniffled blankly while watching it. Once the sadness faded, no thoughts came to me at all. …Let’s do our best. That was the only thought left. I wanted to stand up again, just once more. Even if my legs hurt, even if they were broken—maybe I still couldn’t stand. “Suhyun, if you work hard at rehab, you’ll get better.”
“……”
Mom squeezed my hand with trembling fingers and forced a smile. “You understand…?”
“…Yes.”
That smile looked just like the one Mom had worn before she left, and it hurt so much. But now I knew—she wasn’t going to leave me again. Nodding with a sense of relief, Mom stroked my head with her shaking hand. Whether we spoke or not, the car kept moving. It passed through the forest of buildings, past the department store, and finally reached our villa.
“Unni, I’ll look into vitamins and buy some for you.”
“Yeah……”
“Don’t skip meals, Suhyun…”
Mom looked at me with tender eyes. I nodded and pulled both of them into a tight hug. “…I’ll head in now. Jiwoo, I’m going… I’ll stream today, so don’t call—just watch the broadcast.”
“Got it, Unni.”
“Mom, be careful on your way home.”
“Okay, Suhyun… take care of yourself and don’t get too discouraged.”
While watching Mom, Jiwoo asked for her phone. “Mom, give me your phone.”
“P-phone? Why?”
“…So you can have Unni’s number.”
“…!!”
Mom looked startled. Jiwoo didn’t meet her eyes at all, typed in my number, and handed the phone back. “Call her.”
“……”
Mom hesitated for a moment, then touched the screen and called me. My pocket vibrated and rang. I answered while looking at the caller ID that clearly read [Mom].
“Hel…lo.”
[…I love you, Suhyun.]
“…Me too.”
A simple exchange. That was our first phone call.
“I saw today that Mom will take good care of Unni… so stop crying already. Unni’s the one who’s hurting the most.”
“S-sorry, Jiwoo.”
“…You two really are alike.”
Jiwoo sighed while looking at Mom apologizing. Watching them, the tension in me eased a little, and I was able to enter the house with a slightly lighter heart.
When I got home, the dark, empty space greeted me. “……”
Though it was gloomy, I liked the atmosphere. Dragging my exhausted body and mind, I collapsed onto the bed. “…So much has happened.”
The interview, the hospital—too many things had occurred. Now I just wanted to rest a little. “……”
No, honestly, I wanted comfort. Everything just felt hateful, lonely, and sad. With a blank expression, I got up unsteadily, sat at the computer desk, and turned on the PC. The monitor and tower lit up brightly. “……”
Staring at it, I left the avatar off and the default black screen as it was. After closing donations, I only checked the mic before starting the stream. Comfort me… please comfort me. Love me more, just a little more… please.
I muttered that inwardly and waited for people to join. The only sound flowing through the stream was my own sniffling. It was 6:30 PM. In the dark room, the sound of sniffling traveled through the broadcast.
“E…veryone.”
Once the chat started filling up, my eyes began to sting. My breath quickened and I felt lost. More messages poured in.
“Please listen… I, I won’t self-harm, I’ll just vent… just… just listen.”
Sniffling, I squeezed my eyes shut, let the tears fall, and spoke as if vomiting the words. “It’s… it’s so unfair. I went to the hospital today… and they said they can’t fix my paralyzed legs… it’s too unfair.”
“Really… this isn’t right. This shouldn’t happen. I lived honestly, without even attempting suicide, I lived honestly…!!!”
It was so unfair. Everything had been unfair since my past life. I gave up my dreams and lived only doing what my parents who abandoned me wanted. I did my best, struggled with everything I had, and even when I broke, I tried my hardest to pretend I hadn’t—yet in my past life all that effort came to nothing, and this life was just as much of a mess. And now my legs were crippled on top of it all. This… this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be… why… why is Dad walking around just fine…!! I! I…!!”
I cried out, overwhelmed by the unfairness. I had lived honestly. I had done my best to protect my siblings and waited kindly for Mom alone. “Hic… this… this isn’t how it’s supposed to be… it really isn’t……”
It was unbearably unfair. Emotions I thought I had resigned myself to and buried exploded all at once, tightening painfully around my chest. “Ugh… uwaaaah…!!! Really…!! Really… I hate this so much……”
“……”
Through my tear-blurred vision, I looked at the chat window filled with messages of comfort. Clutching the cutter knife I could no longer bring myself to use, I sobbed loudly. “…Love me. Love me more… I’m sorry for showing you this dirty, ugly side of me… I’m sorry for being shameless… but please love me anyway……”
As I sniffled those words, people kept offering comfort.
“…Th-thank you. Thank you for forgiving even someone as ugly as me.”
I was simply grateful to the people who kept saying they would continue loving me.