Going to the Hospital (4)
"I'm sorry…! I-I'm so sorry…!"
I apologized frantically in my head as I watched the doctor hesitate. I knew I shouldn't act this way toward someone I'd just met, but my body and mind reacted anyway. My breathing was ragged. It hurt so much that I felt like I was going to die. The doctor's worried gaze met mine.
"Patient…! Are you all right?!"
The doctor knelt on one knee in front of me, his expression serious. His large hand reached toward my shoulder.
"…P-Please don't hit me."
"……."
My body curled inward, bracing for pain. His hand touched me anyway, and I felt a warm pat instead. Startled by the unexpected sensation, my body slowly relaxed. Only then did my mouth, which had been muttering apologies on its own, finally close.
"Ah……."
"Patient, are you okay? Should I call psychiatry or the police?"
"Ah… I-I'm fine."
The doctor's expression had turned serious instead of flustered. His tired eyes now shone with energy and clarity. Though his voice was still a little hoarse, it had grown steadier, helping me hold onto my senses.
"…I'm sorry. I have a bit of trauma."
"Would you like to rest before we take the X-ray? Are you all right?"
The doctor watched me carefully as he spoke. Thanks to his consideration—his demeanor had softened noticeably—my chest eased, and I shook my head.
"I'm… fine."
"Then let's take the picture."
When I stood and limped, the doctor supported me and helped me lie down on the table.
"We'll be imaging your left leg. Could you turn over onto your back?"
"Ah… yes."
"Good."
The doctor went in to take the shot, came back out to adjust my position, and repeated the process. It was a little exhausting, but I felt so guilty for crying and making a scene earlier that I cooperated diligently, terrified that disobeying would get me hit.
"All done. Thank you for your cooperation."
"Th-Thank you…."
"Would you like a tissue?"
When I sniffled, the doctor held out a tissue and told me to wipe my tears before leaving. I thanked him, wiped my nose and eyes with the tissue, and bowed my head.
"…Thank you. I'm sorry."
"It's all right. I have a daughter, so I was quite concerned."
"…Do you love your daughter?"
The doctor flinched at my question, then chuckled and nodded. Startled, I quickly apologized and bowed again.
"I-I'm sorry. That was nosy of me."
"It's fine. Take care on your way out."
"Yes……."
I carefully stepped out of the X-ray room and headed toward Mom and Jiwoo, who were waiting. Mom saw my slightly damp face and asked if I was okay.
"Sweetheart, are you all right? Did you cry?"
"J-Just a little."
"Unni, why were you crying? Did something happen?"
Jiwoo looked quite worried. I told her nothing had happened, then glanced back at the doctor watching me from behind and bowed my head.
"It's just… the doctor was scary."
"Ah……."
"R-Really? Did you apologize properly?"
Mom asked, flustered. I answered that I had and gave her a small smile.
"Let's go to the next test……."
I hurried ahead, though my limping leg limited how fast I could go. Eventually, we arrived at the neurology department. While we waited, a nurse called my name. Once again, I left Mom and Jiwoo outside and entered the examination room alone.
"This is a simple test. Where does it hurt?"
"M-My left leg."
"Then I'll attach electrodes to your left leg."
The nurse wiped my left leg with alcohol and attached the electrodes.
"You might feel a slight burning or pain, but it won't be severe."
"Y-Yes… I understand."
Despite the warning, I wasn't scared. My leg was almost numb to pain anyway, and the nurse was a young woman with nothing that triggered my trauma. I leaned back comfortably and began the test.
"Starting the test now."
As the test began, I felt nothing in my leg. There was a faint twitch, but it was so slight it might have been my imagination.
'…It's broken.'
The thought that it might be beyond repair flashed through my mind. A surge of emotion struck my heart. Even though I'd protected my siblings and lived diligently all these years, in the end, this leg was proof that I had never been loved. It hurt.
'I just… wanted to live normally. Just normally.'
The fact that I now had to live disabled, unable to even dream of being ordinary, ached in my chest. I couldn't stop thinking that I should have come to the hospital sooner. What if I'd been a little more selfish? What if that man had been a kind father? Then I wouldn't be twenty-three and terrified of injections, or short of breath at the sight of middle-aged men.
"……."
For the first time in a long while, a miserable feeling washed over me.
'I hated this so much that I let everything go.'
The misery had been so overwhelming that I'd abandoned everything. After raising Minwoo, all I had left was a broken body. I'd run away to escape that wretched feeling, brainwashing myself over and over that I was that kind of person—the lowest of the low. I really am an idiot.
"…And I forgot all that, crawled out here, and got hurt again…."
I'd finally holed myself up, ready to let go of everything, only to end up like this—pitifully shedding tears. And now I couldn't let go anymore. Because I'd learned there were people who loved me. I'd made friends, met a good little sister, reconciled with my real siblings, and even had Mom come back. And above all, I'd met the Jireongi who adored me endlessly. So this time, I couldn't throw it all away. Even if I tried, the hands holding onto me wouldn't forgive me for falling to the bottom again. No matter how hard it gets, I have no choice but to hold on.
"……."
I stared blankly at the floor, tears dripping down. Whether from joy or sorrow, the tears fell endlessly from my eyes.
'I'll be… happy.'
I really am the happiest person in the world.
* * *
After the test ended, I wiped my tears and limped out of the room.
"Unni, are you okay? Was it hard?"
"Sweetheart, want Mom to take a look? Are you all right?"
Mom and Jiwoo asked, worried. I smiled and nodded.
"It didn't hurt… I'm fine… Thank you for waiting, Mom… and thank you, Jiwoo."
"…Don't get hurt, my daughter."
"Waiting for you is nothing, Unni… I could do it until I die."
Jiwoo blushed as she spoke, clearly aware of how cheesy the line was. Mom smiled at Jiwoo, then met her eyes and looked flustered. Jiwoo's expression turned cold as she looked at Mom.
"…You can smile. I won't say anything about it."
"R-Really?"
"People might think I hit you."
Of course, Jiwoo's tone wasn't as cold as her expression. Watching the two of them, I felt something warm and fuzzy inside, so I decided to set aside the misery I'd felt during the test for now.
'They'll find out soon anyway… No need to say anything in advance.'
My leg was completely ruined. There was no need to tell them that.
'It might not be completely ruined.'
Clinging to that small hope, we returned to the examination room.
* * *
Back in the room, we found the doctor staring silently at the monitor for a long time.
"…Excuse me… Doctor?"
When I called out, the doctor flinched and looked at me. I gave him a resigned smile, ready to accept whatever came. The doctor removed his glasses, rubbed his eyes, and spoke.
"…It's Peripheral Neuropathy. Your muscles have weakened significantly, and it looks like your sympathetic nerves have been damaged quite a bit as well."
"……."
"Honestly, it's serious. I'm amazed you managed to endure it this long."
I stared blankly at the doctor, then asked carefully.
"…Is there any chance of a full recovery?"
The doctor paused, then spoke as if preparing me for bad news.
"There isn't."
"……."
"……."
"……."
Mom, Jiwoo, and I couldn't say a word. The doctor continued alone as he looked at us.
"How many years has it been?"
"…Since middle school, so almost ten years."
"It's almost a miracle that it's only this bad after ten years… The nerve endings may have formed neuromas, and your muscles might not be receiving signals properly."
"……."
"For now, all we can do is preserve the remaining muscles and maximize the function of the remaining nerves."
It was devastating news. I could only hang my head.