The Needle's Sting
After listening to the doctor, I stepped out of the exam room. A nurse pulled out a sheet of paper and circled a few items. "Have you eaten yet?"
"N-no… I haven't."
"Good. Just follow what's written here." She smiled and handed me the paper. I bowed my head and took it with both hands, then showed it to Mom and Jiwoo.
"…X-ray, blood test, and nerve exam. MRI's for next time."
Jiwoo suggested we start with the blood test. I nodded and squeezed both their hands tightly.
"Let's go fast… I want to go home… This place is scary."
"Got it, sis. It'll be over soon."
"Suhyun, if you're scared you can hide in my arms."
"I-I'm twenty-three… That's a little much."
When I said that, Jiwoo patted my head and laughed, saying I didn't look twenty-three at all.
"……."
"If anyone saw you, they'd think you were a middle schooler, our daughter."
"…Don't say that, p-please… If you do, I'll really start acting spoiled."
The thought that if they really saw me as a child, maybe it would be okay to act spoiled crossed my mind, but I barely held it back. After all, I was an adult. No matter how scared I was, I wasn't the kind of person who could lean on someone that much.
I took a deep breath and dragged my aching body toward the blood-draw room.
When we arrived, four or five people were already sitting in the chairs outside the room.
"…Hic."
The tension made me hiccup. Crowded places still terrified me. Streams I could somehow endure, but here… I was scared.
Scary… scary… scary scary scary.
Even while thinking that, I forced my frozen legs to move and sat down. Mom sat beside me, and Jiwoo stood after giving up her seat.
"Sorry, Jiwoo. You should sit."
"It's fine. M-Mom… ahem! Mom sitting next to her will help Noona calm down more."
"Ah……."
A sigh slipped out when I realized Jiwoo was being considerate. It was true that I calmed down better with Mom next to me—because she wasn't someone I had to protect. But I hadn't expected it to show so clearly. Worried she might think I liked Mom's embrace more than hers, I quickly tried to explain.
"I-It's not that I like Mom more or anything……"
"I know, sis. All you remember is protecting me. It's natural. I don't hate you for it, and I won't grow distant either."
"Ah… yeah… okay."
Jiwoo immediately reassured me that she didn't misunderstand. Feeling a little embarrassed, I closed my mouth, shut my eyes, and took a deep breath.
I want to go home… I want to see my Jireongis soon……
A sigh escaped at the thought of having to come back for the MRI too. Though I'd have to return anyway to hear the results.
"Uuu… I don't want the tests."
"It's okay, Suhyun. We can fix this."
Mom spoke with a tense expression. I looked up at her and nodded silently.
"…I hope so."
"…It hurt a lot, didn't it."
"Yes… it hurt so much."
When I nodded and answered, Mom let me rest my head against her and gently patted me.
"I'm sorry… for not being able to protect you."
"…Just love me. Don't throw me away."
"Yeah… I'll love you."
"Mom, are you okay?"
When I asked, Mom gave an awkward smile.
"…It was bad. My arms and legs were cracked, and my fingers were broken."
She tried to hide her fingers that didn't bend properly.
"…Don't look, daughter. It's not pretty."
"……."
I'd already seen them, but I just nodded, unsure what to say.
"Okay… I won't."
Mom smiled softly and stroked my hair. Feeling too shy to meet her eyes, I lifted my head—only to see Jiwoo standing there with a complicated expression. She must have remembered Mom being beaten. Forgiveness was Jiwoo's choice, but it was clearly still a painful issue.
…Jiwoo hasn't completely moved past it either.
That was the thought that came to me. I didn't want to dwell on complicated feelings, so I closed my eyes again and breathed deeply. Thanks to Mom covering my ears, I couldn't hear anything. I blocked out the presence of the people around me and simply emptied my mind, blankly, blankly.
…It's not scary. I'm going to live normally too.
I kept murmuring that to myself until I felt someone tapping my head. When I slowly opened my eyes, Jiwoo was gesturing for me to stand.
"Noona, get up. It's your turn."
I stood, and the nurse was already seated, waiting for me.
"You're Suhyun, right? Please give me your arm."
"Ah, yes……"
I sat down and extended my right arm over the square brown pillow.
"Can't we use your left hand?"
"There are too many scars… I-Is that okay?"
When I said that, the nurse glanced at the scars on my right arm and flinched slightly. Then she looked at me with an expression that clearly said, More than this?
Well, I'm right-handed, so the left side has even more…
My face grew a little warm. Even though I hadn't done it much recently, seeing the nurse's raw shock made me realize just how terrible my actions had been.
I don't know if I can stop completely, but… I should cut down.
The thought that maybe it would be okay since I hadn't done it lately had been creeping in, but after seeing that expression, I probably wouldn't for a while—at least until the nurse's shocked look faded.
"S-Sorry… just a moment."
The nurse tied a tourniquet around my arm and tapped it lightly.
I'm scared when other people hit me…!
"Hic…!"
The moment my PTSD stirred, another hiccup burst out. Every tap made my body flinch and tremble.
"Are you okay? Did it hurt a lot?"
"I-It's f-fine… hic… It hurts, sorry, I'm sorry."
The nurse looked flustered.
"You're really okay, right? Right?"
"Y-Yes… please just finish quickly……"
When I begged tearfully, she picked up the syringe with a reluctant expression.
"Hik……"
Cold antiseptic touched my slightly warmed arm. The chill made me shiver, and then I heard her voice.
"Alright… this will sting a little."
A sharp metal point pierced my body at someone else's hand. It was terrifying. I hadn't known—really hadn't known—that needles could be this scary. I squeezed my eyes shut.
I won't be able to get shots anymore… I'm scared.
The sensation of pain being inflicted on my body by someone else was the worst. Horrible memories began to surface one by one—the time my thigh was stabbed with a broken soju bottle, things like that.
Finally, the needle broke through my skin.
"Ugh…!!"
"It's okay, it'll be over soon. Don't look at the blood—it'll hurt more."
"…L-Looking is… better…"
"Alright, then I'll do it that way."
Without hesitation, the nurse slowly drew my blood. I breathed deeply and watched the red liquid leave me.
It… hurts……
It hurt. It had been so long since someone else had caused me pain that it felt twice as bad.
"We're done. Press here firmly."
"O-Okay…"
She handed me a cotton ball and told me to keep pressure on the spot. I pressed down hard to stop the bleeding. Then she came back and gave me a bandage.
"Even with this on, it might bleed, so keep pressing for about three more minutes."
"Yes… I understand……"
"Did it hurt a lot? I'm sorry."
She smiled and apologized. I told her it was fine and stood up, walking over to Mom and Jiwoo.
"Sis, did you cry? Your eyes are wet."
"N-No, I didn't cry……"
"Are you okay, sweetheart?"
"Y-Yes…"
Even though I said I hadn't cried, both Mom and Jiwoo looked at me with pitying expressions. Their faces were strangely similar—proof they were mother and daughter.
"X-rays don't hurt, so you won't cry, right?"
"…I told you I didn't cry."
"If you're too sad or scared, it's okay to hide in my arms, Suhyun."
"I-I'm an adult too, Mom."
Adults don't cry when getting shots… Though saying that didn't leave much room for argument, I said it anyway. Mom and Jiwoo just patted my head, saying I'd worked hard. A small part of me felt my pride wounded by how nice that felt.
Once again holding their hands, I headed toward the X-ray room.
The area in front of the X-ray room was packed with people too. I'd gotten somewhat used to it by now, and closing my eyes and covering my ears helped, so it didn't bother me much. But the real problem came from somewhere else.
Just when I thought I wouldn't cry anymore and let my guard down, something suddenly rushed in.
"Yoo Suhyun~ Yoo Suhyun, please come in."
"Yes…"
At the nurse's call, I stood and opened the X-ray room door. Inside was a middle-aged man.
"…!!"
"Hello. Please have a seat."
"…Hiccup……"
It was rude, but between his tired eyes and slightly hoarse voice, I……
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry, I'm sorry…! Please don't hit me…"
"Patient!?"
Startled, I burst into tears.