ASMR (1): Don't Cry!!
After the sobbing broadcast, I barely remembered anything that came next. I somehow ended the stream, crawled into bed, and the following morning I simply opened my eyes on top of the mattress like always.
"......"
I scrolled through the communities in a daze, checking the fan café for reactions to my stream. The majority of posts were flooded with pity. Staring at them, I couldn't even summon the strength to argue back and simply let out a long breath.
"Haa......"
I switched my phone off, covered my eyes with one arm, and dragged the blanket over myself with zero motivation. I wanted to sink like this. To drop all the way down and vanish completely.
"...But I can't do that anymore."
Muttering to myself, I climbed out of bed, roughly smoothed down my messy hair, and stared at the blackout curtains blocking the sunlight.
"I need to walk......"
It was fine to let in some light now, so I pulled one side of the blackout curtain open just enough for a sliver of sunshine to slip through. The mood was bleak. Even the simple act of opening the curtain made my limp obvious. That scar kept hammering another nail into my chest.
"I'm sorry... for not taking better care of you."
It was my own fault for pushing my body too hard. Those days had been that desperate, after all. A time when I had to give everything I had and nothing less. The sting of oncoming tears made me limp over to the computer chair and sigh again.
"Haaaa......"
My eyes drifted to the utility knife on their own.
"I really didn't want to do this for a while..."
I let out a hollow laugh and picked up the cutter.
"...I hate this. I really do......"
The blade slides out with a metallic rasp.
I disinfect it, then disinfect the skin on my right arm where the bandages had come undone, revealing a map of old scars.
The cut is deeper than I meant. The pain is sharper than I remembered.
"Khup...!!! It hurts...!! Agh... kheup...!!"
It hurt more than expected. Maybe because it had been so long, I couldn't keep the calm mask I used to wear.
Bright red blood welled up and spilled over, dripping onto the floor with soft plops. The metallic smell of blood instantly filled the closed room. That scent in the confined space made the pain sharper.
Once the initial sting faded a little, I let my arm drop and stared blankly at the flowing blood.
"...It hurts. Please love me."
I wished someone would love me a little more.
Cutting before a shower was the worst possible choice. The entire time I washed, pained groans kept slipping out and tormenting me. The bottom of the tub turned vivid red once again with bloody foam. Body wash, shampoo, and other products mixed together into bubbles that became a grotesque artwork once the crimson blood swirled in. I stared at it, sighed, hurried out, stopped the bleeding, disinfected the wound, applied ointment, and finished the emergency treatment.
The bleeding finally stopped. I quickly wrapped the arm in bandages, winding them round and round before securing them with tape.
"...Sniff."
Looking at the somewhat messy bandaging job, I let out another sigh and turned on the computer. The current time was 1:30 p.m.
Even so, I booted up the virtual avatar and ran a test. Given my mood today, there would be no puffy-cheek test. I wasn't going to do it anyway.
I left the waiting screen on, muted the microphone, and picked up my phone.
'I should check all the messages I've missed.'
"......"
My tear ducts ached. The fact that I'd made so many people worry about me hit hard. Right then, another message arrived.
I replied to Yuna—Lee Yuna, the real name of the person I knew online as Gaemanyeo.
After I asked, there was a short pause before Yuna answered that she would do it if the boss told her to. I told her to edit it without any expression, then tossed my phone aside.
"...Time to stream. I have to stream......"
The moment I looked at the monitor while muttering, people had already flooded in.
Viewers: 300
I quickly turned on the mic for the people who were waiting and greeted them in a bright voice.
'I can't stay depressed forever.'
It was time to shake off yesterday's gloom and enjoy the stream.
"Ah, hello everyone... kheuk!! Cough, cough...!!"
I failed right from the start. My throat had gone stiff from all the crying yesterday.
"Ahem! I'm sorry... I tried to sound as cheerful as possible......"
I apologized quickly, afraid they would hate me, but everyone accepted me as I was. Seeing them like me just the way I am made snot drip from my nose.
"Hue... thank you. Still... I need to lift my mood."
I blew my nose once, then got to the main point.
"Huu... s-so, an ASMR mic is arriving today... I'll be doing ASMR right away this evening... I wanted to change my mood until then......"
"E-ear licking...? I'm embarrassed... but if you want it... y-yep."
"S-since it's my first time, I might not be very good......"
"......"
I wondered if these were really the same people who had comforted me earlier.