The Hands We Once Held
My hand, clasped between Mom’s and Yeon-a’s and Jiwoo’s, began to grow slick with sweat. Cold perspiration poured down my entire body without stopping. It was because unpleasant memories were crashing over me. The auditory hallucinations of my previous life’s mother kept tormenting me. …That person is no longer my mother. Forget it… throw it away, Suhyun. I was no longer Suho, and that person was no longer my mother either. The thought made my chest feel a little lighter.
“Suhyun, are you nervous?” Yeon-a asked with a gentle smile. I nodded slowly, my face stiff. Then Jiwoo, wearing a complicated expression, let out a sigh, bent down to meet my eyes, and began fixing my hair.
“Unni, don’t be nervous. You have to walk out there with confidence.”
“…I-I know, but my hands won’t stop shaking……”
They were shaking. Because when I saw Mom, I had no idea what expression I should make. When I’d bolted out of the gukbap restaurant, my body had reacted first, so I couldn’t even remember what face I’d made or what tone of voice I’d used.
“You can do it, Unni.”
“…Hey, do you think we can ever reconcile with Mom?”
At my question, Jiwoo flinched slightly, then stroked my head and asked in return, “What about you…? Can you forgive Mom?”
“…It depends on the situation.”
If Mom had her own circumstances, I could understand. After all, even though her memories and will had been broken, I had endured with the soul of someone whose wounds had already gone numb. Even if a minor tried to run away, they would only end up back with Dad. A mother who had been tormented from her teenage years until well past her mid-twenties with nothing but a pure soul probably couldn’t have held on. …I tried to protect them the same way, but in the end, there was a difference. I could understand to some extent. Especially since she was the one who apologized first. ‘Mom will… make a lot of money… and come back for you again, I promise.’ The words I’d heard from Mom the night before she left kept circling in my head.
“…What about you, Jiwoo?” I asked before taking another step. Jiwoo opened her mouth.
“I… don’t know.”
“Right…? It’s okay. You’ve been hurt a lot too, so it’s fine even if you just accept her apology.”
I wanted to reconcile with Mom. This was nothing more than my own selfishness. I knew how foolish it was to reach for the hand of someone who had once abandoned me. And yet, I had no choice but to take that hand. Because the hand that had once touched me, even for a brief moment, had been so warm. Maybe it was just the longing from my previous life. The lingering attachment I thought had been torn to shreds was still tormenting me like this. I was a selfish person. Someone who only thought of herself and hurt her younger siblings—that was all I was. With that thought, I patted Jiwoo’s back with a sigh.
“…It’s just my own lingering attachment. The attachment of someone who needed a place to lean on.”
“If you’re okay with it… I’ll try too……”
Jiwoo spoke with her head lowered. “The reason I hate Mom isn’t just because she abandoned us… It’s mostly because she made things so hard for you, Unni.”
She said that, then pulled me into a tight hug and apologized. I patted her back and whispered that she didn’t need to apologize.
“You don’t have to apologize, Jiwoo. Dad does.”
“…Yeah, you’re right.”
As we supported each other with those words, we heard a sniffle from beside us.
“…You two are so sweeeet……”
“Yeon-a!?”
“Yeon-a unni, are you crying?”
“Hic!”
Yeon-a’s emotions had burst. Jiwoo and I flusteredly comforted her before quickly moving our feet again.
After walking a little farther, we spotted Haram and Minwoo sitting in front of the gukbap restaurant in the distance.
“Unni…! Over here!”
Minwoo and Haram were now openly holding hands. That wasn’t important right now, so I hurried toward them.
“Noona, don’t run. Your leg’s still bad—you’ll fall.”
The moment I started running, Minwoo jumped up and caught me.
“Th-thank you.”
I really would have fallen if it weren’t for him, so I thanked him and looked at his face.
“Have you been crying…?”
“…I was just angry.”
Minwoo said that while gently touching my cheek. I patted him and asked how the conversation with Mom had gone.
“…Not much. She said she was sorry and made some excuses.”
“I see……”
“I can’t accept it.”
Minwoo’s face twisted in pain as he spoke. Haram patted his shoulder, looking just as hurt, then turned to Jiwoo.
“Jiwoo… I know this is meddling, but I still think it’d be better if you talked to her.”
Haram said this while breaking into a cold sweat. Jiwoo, who had been staring at her blankly, flicked her forehead.
“…It’s fine. Don’t apologize. I was planning to come anyway.”
“Ow……”
“Sorry. And thank you.”
Jiwoo thanked Haram. Haram looked stunned for a moment, then Jiwoo cleared her throat, looking a little embarrassed.
“…I’ve always vented to you anyway, and you already know everything, so I figured you were stepping in because of that… Our friendship isn’t so fragile that it would break over something like this.”
“…Really?”
“It’s okay. We have to settle this.”
Jiwoo took a deep breath as she spoke. I took her hand and followed her lead, breathing deeply as well. Mom was inside that gukbap restaurant. …I can do this. I encouraged myself and squeezed Jiwoo’s hand tightly. Sensing the signal, Jiwoo took the first step forward, and I followed, stretching my tense legs ahead.
The inside of the gukbap restaurant was quiet. No customers, just an empty space. Only the silhouette of a person’s head was visible behind a small partition. Jiwoo and I looked at each other, nodded, and headed behind it. My heavy feet refused to move, but I forced them forward anyway. Slowly, the other side of the partition came into view. Mom was sitting there with a tense expression.
“……”
“……”
Jiwoo and I stared at her without saying a word. Her eyes were red, as if she’d been crying, and tear tracks were clearly visible on her face.
“Hello, ma’am.”
Jiwoo greeted her with “ma’am.” Mom looked at Jiwoo and nodded.
“Hello… Jiwoo.”
“…Unni, sit here.”
“Uh, okay.”
Jiwoo pulled out a chair beside me. I sat down and looked at Jiwoo’s sulky face. It seemed she didn’t like Mom very much. Mom, clearly aware of this, hesitated before lowering her head toward us.
“I’m sorry… kids.”
“……”
“……”
“Mom is… so sorry. I won’t ask for forgiveness… I’m really, truly sorry.”
Her meek apology felt slightly out of place, but the emotion that followed was resentment once again. If you were going to do this… you should have endured instead of abandoning us. I wanted to know the reason. She had told me she loved me, had said it so many times, so I wanted to know why she left.
“Why… did you do it?”
My voice trembled slightly from anger as I asked her.
“You told me you loved me… so I held on because of that… Why? Why did you do it?”
“Suhyun……”
Mom’s voice calling my name was still unbearably gentle as she looked at me with moist eyes. The fact that her voice remained so kind only made it hurt more.
“We know you’re sorry. We’re asking why you did it.”
Jiwoo’s voice and expression were both ice-cold as she looked at Mom. Mom lowered her head deeply and said that even though she’d already told Minwoo, she would explain everything to us now—just consider it a pathetic excuse.
“…We’ll listen.”
Jiwoo showed a hint of interest. What followed was a truly wretched story. Mom had fled while carrying all sorts of illnesses, unable to sleep because she was thinking of her children, and had only worked. She’d been rushed to the emergency room more than once or twice after collapsing. She’d been pointed at and judged more times than she could count. Even then, she’d only thought of us and saved money. Four years ago—back when my homeroom teacher in my third year of high school had reported the abuse—she’d been scammed and lost all her money.
“…So by the time I realized, too much time had already passed.”
Mom couldn’t meet our eyes as she spoke. Honestly, I could understand. I’d had the same thought myself. If she reported it, we might all be separated. And with no mother, the burden of raising three children alone as a woman must have been overwhelming. But at the very least, if she had reported it and taken us in…
“…We wouldn’t have ended up this broken.”
“…!!”
I wouldn’t have been destroyed like this.
“Why on earth… I waited only for you… I was too scared to report it, so I just hoped you would come save me… Why?”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. Jiwoo’s warm hand rested on my head.
“…That’s just an excuse.”
“……”
“It’s nothing but an excuse. If we had at least stayed by your side, we would have been happier than we are now.”
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”
I thought there was nothing more I could say to Mom, but Jiwoo apparently didn’t feel the same. She didn’t stop.
“…Children can’t choose their parents.”
“……”
“Our only sin is that you and that man were our parents.”
“I’m… sorry.”
“Parents can choose their children. If this was how it was going to be, you shouldn’t have given birth to us in the first place.”
Jiwoo’s tone was laced with emotion as she mocked Mom. My chest ached. Our family had been torn apart like this. At least the maternal love I had seen and heard in my childhood had been real.
“Even our unni—”
“Stop…!”
I quickly cut Jiwoo off. I didn’t want to hurt Mom.
“Stop… please stop, Jiwoo……”
“Unni……”
Tears just kept flowing. I hated Dad so much. I hated Mom, but at the same time pitied her… I had hoped that once this was over, I might be able to lean on her again. But seeing Jiwoo’s reaction, that seemed impossible.
“Mom……”
“……”
When I called her, Mom looked at me with silent tears streaming down her face. I asked her, “Do you… still love us?”
Mom’s eyes widened in shock, and she forced out a voice that wouldn’t come.
“Of course I do…! You’re the children I gave birth to in pain… I missed you so, so much… I wanted it so desperately… I wanted to hold you again……”
She burst into tears and covered her mouth. My heart felt like it was being torn apart.
“…Unni.”
Jiwoo called me with a worried expression. I made a request to her.
“Jiwoo… I’m sorry for being so selfish, but… I think I still like Mom.”
“……”
“I want to… live with Mom……”
I wanted to live with Mom again.