Things I Want to Do (2)
"Ugh… I can't find any tissues…"
Sniffling and dripping snot, I hobbled around looking for tissues. I'd cried so much my voice barely came out. [I should've bought more last time…]
Jiwoo's worried voice came through the screen. "…No, it's fine… I'm okay."
I grabbed the tissues I'd brought from the bathroom, wiped my tears, and blew my nose. "Ugh…"
[Are you really okay, unnie?]
"Yeah… I'm just happy. Really happy."
I was happy. My heart was still racing. Someone had validated my dream. To most people, it might've been nothing special. If you'd grown up loved and supported by your parents, it probably would've felt ordinary. But I hadn't, so having my dream acknowledged filled me with overwhelming joy.
"…My throat hurts."
I said it while turning my face toward the camera. "I'm right here, so don't worry… ahem!" I cleared my throat and sat back down.
"…Anyway, yeah. I want to stream."
I said it again, wanting to do something. It felt strangely tense. Even though I knew my siblings would do everything they could to help, I couldn't help feeling nervous.
[What kind of stream?]
Minwoo's question cut through my nerves. He was asking exactly what kind of stream I wanted to do. I started pouring out the thoughts I'd organized before going to bed yesterday.
"Uh… well, showing my face feels… uncomfortable for me…"
Revealing my face was out of the question. It made me too uncomfortable.
"…So! A VTuber… I think? I want to try that."
Minwoo and Jiwoo both nodded at my words.
[A VTuber? You mean streaming with a character avatar?]
Jiwoo asked again. I nodded hesitantly.
…I heard it's expensive.
I didn't know the exact price, but if it was too expensive, asking them to invest would feel wrong.
"You don't have to do it if it's too expensive… Yeah, I'll figure it out on my own."
I said it with a forced smile, worried it would be a burden on them. It was fine. Really, truly fine. My dream had been accepted—that was enough. I could fall asleep like this. As long as I had that one small piece of comfort, I could be satisfied.
If they invest… I'll have to pay them back whether it succeeds or fails.
That thought hadn't escaped me either. My siblings weren't volunteers. They probably wanted something in return—that was what I assumed. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense for them to be this kind to me.
…Still, it felt good.
I'd gotten a taste of my dream, even if only for a moment. I was the happiest person in the world today. I'd climbed up two steps from rock bottom. It felt nice. A place where falling wouldn't hurt too much. Climbing any higher scared me. So I decided to stay where I was.
The two of them spent a long time researching VTubers and talking about it. Mostly about the cost.
…They really want to invest in me.
It made me happy. The only people who saw me as a person, who still expected me to be worth something, were these two.
I raised them well.
That thought crossed my mind. Now I'd decided to stay put.
"…Stop. It's okay even if you don't look into it."
[Huh? Why? Did you change your mind?]
[Do you want to do something else?]
Jiwoo asked if I'd lost interest, while Minwoo asked if I wanted to try something different. I closed my eyes and thought. I still wanted to stream.
"It's expensive."
[……]
[……]
Both of them went silent. So it really was expensive.
"…You don't have to get me something expensive. I've already found what I want to do."
I said it without being able to look at their faces. Then I smiled at the camera.
"It's fine, ah…!"
It's fine. Really fine. ……. It was fine. I felt something running down my cheek. It fell and touched the wound.
[You're crying, unnie. You're crying right now.]
My body flinched at Jiwoo's voice.
[If there's something you want to do, just say it.]
"B-But investing in someone like me…"
Investing in someone like me would only result in a loss. My body was too broken to work and pay them back anymore.
[It's not an investment.]
"…Huh?"
Jiwoo spoke in a serious tone.
[Unnie, we're family.]
"……"
[Family helps each other. It's not an investment. We're not expecting anything in return from you.]
Jiwoo said she just wanted to help me. It wasn't an investment. They didn't want anything from me.
[We're not asking you to make money for us, unnie.]
"…Then? What do you want?"
I asked what they wanted. If they didn't want anything, there was no reason for them to go this far for me. They said no, but the fact that I was a burden to them was still lodged deep in my chest. So I asked, and the answer came back simple and clear.
[We just want to see you happy.]
[…I feel the same way, noona.]
I didn't understand what they were saying. I was happy right now. So happy I felt like I was going crazy. My body felt weak.
"…I'm happy."
I was happy. So happy my head hurt.
"Yeah… I'm crying because I'm happy."
[Unnie?]
I leaned toward the phone.
"…Sorry. Let's stop here."
[Unnie? Wait a second!]
[Noona? Don't hang up—]
Click—Krrrrrrk.
When I leaned back in my chair, an unpleasant sound echoed through the room.
"…I'm the happiest person in the world."
The cutter knife I'd been holding in my left hand, hidden from the kids. Click. I pulled out the blade and stared at it for a long time.
"…Just for today."
I said it and slid the blade back in.
Bzzzzz!
"……"
[Minwoo calling]
A call came from Minwoo, but I didn't answer. I put my phone on silent and set it aside. In the dark room, surrounded by the rush of happiness, I closed my eyes.
"…I still want to do it."
I wanted to be a VTuber. I wouldn't have to show my face, and I could react with just expressions without using my voice. I picked up my phone. I didn't feel like talking to my siblings today. Ignoring the calls that kept coming in, I sent a text instead.
[Me: I need some time to think.]
[Me: Sorry… for hanging up so suddenly.]
[Me: It's not that I don't like you guys. Please don't leave me.]
[Jiwoo: Just let us know when you're ready to talk.]
[Minwoo: It's okay, noona. I'll wait.]
"……"
I'd thrown a tantrum all by myself, cried and screamed alone, yet my siblings forgave me.
"…I should sleep."
I might as well sleep. I didn't want to do anything else. Because I was happy.
* * *
Sleep wouldn't come. In the end, I had to brainwash myself over and over while lying in bed just to convince myself to stream.
"…You can do it, Suhyun. You're the best."
I was the best. I could definitely pull it off.
"Don't hesitate. Don't run away."
I wasn't going to run anymore. I muttered it while staring at my phone. I didn't know what I'd just done. My mind must've been all over the place. I picked up my phone.
"…Hoo."
I didn't know if my siblings were awake, but I lifted my phone anyway. Now I had to be the one to call them. I could've asked them to call me, but—
"I… have to."
I had to do it. I had to call them and ask. Because I'd told them I'd contact them first. Doing it over text felt…
"…insincere."
I was the one asking for a favor, after all. I'd already thought about the conditions. They were overwhelmingly unfair to me, but that didn't matter.
"I'm already used to handing over money anyway……"
I'd give them ninety percent of whatever I earned.
"I can do this."
With that thought, I steeled myself and made the call.
[Hello?]
"…Minwoo."
[Noona, did you calm down? Your voice still sounds hoarse.]
"……"
[…Are you ready to talk?]
Minwoo asked. I slowly continued.
"…I-I thought about the conditions."
[Conditions?]
"…I'll do the VTuber thing."
[…!!!]
[You're really going to? This time for real?]
[Noona, seriously?]
At Jiwoo's question, Minwoo asked again. Was I really going to do it?
"……"
[Noona…?]
If I answered here, there was no going back. I'd owe something to the people I cherished, loved, and needed to protect.
This would make me just like Dad……
My stomach churned. I didn't want to become like Dad. But even so, I ended up prioritizing my own dream.
"…I'm doing it. For real. Sorry for hanging up earlier."
[…!!!]
[Unnie! Really?]
"Ugh… my throat…"
When I complained about the pain, Jiwoo quickly apologized.
[S-Sorry… Are you really going to do it?]
"…I have conditions."
[Conditions?]
Jiwoo asked, sounding puzzled. I took a deep breath before speaking.
"Don't be surprised and just listen……"
[Okay, got it.]
"I don't want to owe you guys……"
I started with not wanting to be in their debt and ended with feeling like I'd become the same kind of person as Dad. "…You two need my protection."
[……]
"I know I'm not doing a great job as your older sister… but at least I don't want to owe anyone."
[…So? What do you want to do?]
Finally, I gave my conclusion.
"I'll give you ninety percent of whatever I earn…!!"
The moment I said it, the phone went so silent it felt like the call had dropped.