What I Want to Do (1)
"Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a celebrity."
"…I see? Hmm……."
Mother's bitter, disapproving expression had followed me throughout my childhood.
"Dad! Look at the picture I drew!"
"I don't have time for that. Honey, come on out."
"Son, you should stay home and watch the house, okay?"
As a child, I simply thought they were going to work. In reality, they were leaving me behind to go on trips. They never looked at my drawings either. Pictures I couldn't show to the people I wanted to show them to. My head hung lower with each passing year. I never got to do what I wanted. Before I knew it, I was trapped in a dark room, alone and isolated. My dreams faded, and I lost myself. Just like that, my life plunged into an abyss of darkness. Parents who never gave me attention. People around me who thoroughly crushed my dreams. In the end, I never saw the light.
"Huuuup…!!!"
I woke up on the bed, my body drenched in cold sweat.
"Haa… haa… haah……."
I'd had a bad dream. A really terrible one. My heart pounded like it was about to burst. I frantically looked around.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This was what happened just because I had a dream. The moment I found something I wanted to do, my past-life parents appeared in my nightmare to torment me. To them, I was a failure for daring to dream in vain.
"Hic…!! Cu-cutter knife!"
That was how I was abandoned.
Crash!! The sound of a plastic bottle rolling, a can being crushed. The noise of garbage collapsing hit my ears. All because I'd tripped while heading to the desk for the cutter knife. I felt no pain. My left leg couldn't support me, and only after falling several times could I finally stand.
"Hic…!! Hoo…!"
Shrrrk! The blade gleamed brilliantly. A sparkling crimson. A pretty color. A pretty color that calmed my heart.
"Haa… haa… haa……."
My racing heart slowly settled. Drip, drip. Blood fell onto the plastic sheet. I stared at it blankly with unfocused eyes.
"……."
I'd calmed down a little. I was still buried under the blanket, but I felt happy.
"…It's okay now. Calm down, Suhyun."
I wasn't the person from my past life anymore. Calming down was better for my mental health. I took a deep breath inside the blanket that smelled foul. The nauseating air passed through my lungs. The funny thing was that the disgusting smell actually calmed me down.
"Alright, I'm okay now."
I placed my hand on my chest. Feeling my now-quiet heartbeat, I closed my eyes. Just then—
"…Hic?!"
The phone vibrated. Startled, I slowly approached and checked the screen. The name displayed was [Beloved Minwoo]. It was a call from Minwoo.
"……."
After staring at the screen for a long time, I reached out to answer, but—
Click!
"Ah……."
As if mocking me, the call ended. Even after waiting, it didn't ring again. I stared blankly at the phone. It felt like everything had returned to square one.
"Sorry, sorry, Minwoo……."
My little siblings had gone out of their way to help me. They'd smiled at me. Maybe because it was right after the nightmare, it hurt even more. I limped toward the refrigerator and gulped down water. I felt a little better.
"Hoo……."
My body trembled. The water had been too cold. After drinking, I looked around the room by the faint refrigerator light. It was filthy—there was definitely a lot of trash piled up.
"……."
But I didn't feel like cleaning it. Only with that trash did this place truly feel like my home. Even if it was dirty, it was the only trace I'd left behind. That was enough.
"…I'm happy."
After muttering that while limping, I collapsed weakly back onto the bed. Then I turned on my phone and opened YouTube. I wanted to watch something, anything. The first things that appeared were "How to start a YouTube channel" and "How to start streaming." Roughly those kinds of videos. I instantly turned the phone off.
"…Haa… haa, hup……."
It hurt. Something I wanted to do. Me, wanting to do something. My parents would definitely oppose it. No. I couldn't be abandoned again. Never again.
Shrrrk. It wouldn't calm down. Why? Why on earth? Ah, it wouldn't calm down.
The bandages had increased. Maybe because the blade was getting dull, I had to press harder, and it hurt more.
"Haa……."
I was sinking. Sinking pleasantly. In that sunken mood, I turned the phone back on.
[This first! We'll help you set up your streaming equipment!]
[Do you think you'll need a lot of money before streaming? You won't!]
"……."
The home screen was covered with that kind of nonsense. I moved my hand to block them. And right before pressing block—
If you have something you want to do, tell me. I'll help.
Minwoo's face flashed through my mind. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try, just once.
"…Forgive me."
Muttering that, I turned the phone off and booted up the computer. As if possessed, I went to the EoW homepage.
"Account recovery inquiry……."
I found it. The account recovery support center. Before that, I turned the phone back on and opened the messenger. I wanted confirmation from my family.
With trembling hands, I sent the message.
"…Don't abandon me, don't abandon me, don't abandon me."
I muttered while biting my nails. I didn't want to be abandoned again. I didn't want to be pointed at for overstepping. I just desperately wanted a single affirmation. I wanted my persistent attachment from my past life to be acknowledged.
The replies came back in no time. My mind went blank.
"……."
I stared blankly at the phone. It was something I'd desperately wanted to hear but never received. Yet they gave permission without even asking, and celebrated with me.
"…Why, why are they like this?"
Something fell from my eyes and landed on the phone. Flustered, I hurriedly turned it off and wiped away the tears. It didn't hurt. It wasn't painful. I was happy, so why—
"The tears… won't… stop……."
They wouldn't stop. They flowed more persistently than the blood from the cuts I'd made with the cutter knife.
Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!
The phone on the desk kept ringing.
"…Ah, hi, guys."
Before long, Jiwoo started a video call. Minwoo and Jiwoo were together. Seeing them like that filled me with pride. It was a clean house, a really nice one.
"So you're at Jiwoo's place……."
When I said that, Jiwoo smiled softly.
[If you want to come too, you can, sis.]
"…Ah, no! It's okay if I don't go… yeah."
I couldn't leave this house. When I firmly refused, Jiwoo nodded with a bitter smile.
[By the way, sis, what is it you want to do?]
"…Ah, that."
I couldn't bring myself to speak. A YouTuber? Someone like me becoming a YouTuber?
"…Strea—"
[Hm?]
Jiwoo spoke in a gentle voice.
[You don't have to be embarrassed, sis. We just want to hear it. We'll support you completely.]
"…!!"
My body flinched at Jiwoo's words. It felt like they were about to grant my long-held wish. No—they would grant it. Tears welled up again. Tears that wouldn't stop no matter how much I wiped them away.
"You… know."
[Yeah, tell us.]
I wanted to be loved. I just wanted to become someone everyone loved.
"…I want to be loved."
[…….]
[…….]
I'd said something strange. But the siblings on the other side of the screen didn't mock me. They just smiled and told me to keep going.
"I… I want to become famous and get attention too…!"
[Yeah, I see?]
"…Talk with people, have conversations……."
The words stuck in my throat. I never knew talking about my dreams would be this hard. When I was little, I'd talked about them so easily.
"…So, so you know."
I hesitated, then burst into tears as I spoke.
"I want to be a streamer… I want to do internet broadcasting."
Even showing my face felt awkward. I wondered if someone like me could really do that.
"…Help me… please."
I bowed my head as tears poured out. Help me. Just once, I wanted someone to affirm my dream. Please, at least for the siblings I'd protected—
"…Hic…!"
Tears kept coming, but I lifted my head and looked at my siblings. They didn't frown. They didn't mock me.
[Then what do you need to do that?]
"…!!"
[You should stream EoW, sis. You're already famous anyway.]
Jiwoo smiled and said she'd buy whatever I needed. Minwoo suggested content directions.
"Guys……."
The tears were hot. Hotter than any blood I'd shed before. Hotter than any tears I'd cried while being hit by Dad. Thump, thump, thump—my heart began to race. Strongly, as if it wanted to run toward my dream.
"…Can I… really do it?"
I asked earnestly. And the answer was, of course, positive.
[What can't you do, sis? You raised me and Minwoo all by yourself.]
[…Now it's our turn to help you, sis.]
My siblings smiled as they said that.
"Huu…!! Hup…!!"
I covered my mouth and bowed my head, sobbing. I was happy. So incredibly happy.
'Live quietly like a dead mouse.'
'You, a celebrity? Please.'
'…Dad's busy.'
All of it was just noise.
"…Thank you, guys."
I wouldn't listen to those people anymore. I was going to stream.