The Song of Gratitude
After the stream, my body was exhausted, but I couldn’t bring myself to end the singing. Because right now, more than ever, I truly wanted to sing. It had been so long since I genuinely felt the urge to sing from the heart.
I had laughed and joked around with an old friend, as if we’d gone back to the old days. When I looked around, still wrapped in that feeling, I saw the people who had made it all possible. The ones who had helped me take another step forward—no matter how small or clumsy that step might have been—were now flooding the chat.
Watching them, I felt like I might burst into tears. I was hiding behind this screen because I was afraid of facing people. Yet there were still those who tried so hard to see me anyway. I was so grateful that tears threatened to spill.
In a life where I had only ever been ignored, neglected, and met with nothing but malice whenever attention came my way, people who purely said they liked me had finally appeared. Or maybe they had always been there, and I was only just noticing now.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”
I felt terribly sorry. And at the same time, deeply grateful. So I decided to convey only my gratitude.
I moved my hand and added echo to the mic.
“Can everyone hear me?”
People were waiting for me to sing. Standing before them, I smiled softly and swallowed the sob rising in my throat.
“…I, I was really happy today. Everyone who joined the collab was so, so kind too.”
Instead of singing right away, I began to speak.
“I think… streaming was the right choice. I’ve always thought so, but today especially…”
“I love you all……”
After whispering that, I turned on the MR and gripped the mic. A moving melody began to play. Smiling softly, I spoke to everyone.
“I’m going to sing now. I hope you’ll stay with me until the end.”
“I’ll sing ‘Look at Me.’”
Pouring all my gratitude toward the people who had looked at me, I steadied my trembling body and sang the first line.
“More than the shining stars, more than the shining you… I may not stand out, but…”
“Look at me, the me that’s right here.”
The acoustic guitar rang out as if supporting my voice. I kept singing. Time slipped away as I laughed and sang with the chat.
“Thank you…! Really… really……”
I didn’t even know when I had started crying. I just suddenly found myself in tears. I had tried so hard to hold it in. Sobbing, I kept whispering to the chat that I loved them. Because I simply wanted to.
“…Love… I love you all… I like every single one of you.”
“I’m not drunk… Everything I said is sincere……”
After saying that, I played the next song. Despite turning it on while crying, it came out bright and cheerful.
“W-Winku…!”
Still crying, I winked and acted cute toward everyone. It was something I would never have done normally. The flood of dopamine had me repeating strange behaviors over and over.
For a full three hours I alternated between laughing and crying, showing off my unhinged energy until I finally collapsed from exhaustion.
“Haa… huuu… I, I can’t do any more……”
“My… my voice is completely gone……”
When I said that in a completely hoarse voice, the chat burst into tears. I told them I was fine and let out a sigh, staring blankly at the chat window.
“Everyone… ahem! Ah, d-did you only see the aegyo…? I, I tried to put real emotion into the serious songs in between… I really hoped it would reach you……”
Smiling at their words, I thanked them and once again poured my sincerity into the viewers.
“I’m… not someone who’s good at saying things like this… and I haven’t heard it much either… but I still want to say it.”
After hesitating for a moment and fidgeting with my hands, I whispered softly in my hoarse voice.
“…I love you. I don’t know if hearing this from someone like me would make you happy……”
Obviously, not many people would be happy to hear it. After all, words from someone as gloomy as me, who had never even been told “I love you” before, probably wouldn’t reach anyone. The thought that they might not even feel it was sincere made me a little sad. But even so, I smiled. Because if even one person was happy, that was enough.
“…See you tomorrow!”
As the computer shut down, countless viewers disappeared with it, and I returned once again to the dark room. The dazzling version of me vanished, leaving only the shabby me behind.
“……”
I felt dazed. Everything that had just happened felt like a dream. Exhausted, I stared blankly at the ceiling. I decided not to use my voice anymore. Once the stream ended, all that remained was emptiness and a sore throat.
It was strange. I had been so happy. I had been so joyful. But the moment I turned off the computer and was left alone in the dark room, everything disappeared.
“…Am I lonely?”
The senses I had thought had dulled over time seemed to be slowly coming back to life. Maybe I was incredibly lonely after all.
Sitting there blankly, I eventually stood up. My small, fragile body was completely drained and needed rest, yet for some reason I walked toward the window. Faint light seeped in from outside.
“…I want to see what’s out there.”
I wanted to go outside. Maybe, slowly, I could overcome it now. The memory of wandering the city streets alone late at night as a child, staring at the dazzling lights, no longer felt so overwhelming. Even though it was painful, right now—with the memory of earlier still lingering—I felt like I could face it.
So I threw open the tightly drawn curtains and looked outside. The brilliant city lights poured into the room.
“Ah……”
It was that same scenery. Looking down, I saw the dark alleyway. It was as if I could see my younger self running to buy a whole chicken alone on the nights Dad came home late from the gambling den, so happy just to see my siblings. Tears welled up again.
If it had been before, I would have wanted to run away immediately. But now, facing that almost-tearful feeling, I thought of my siblings’ smiling faces.
“We… were happy too.”
Realizing that my life hadn’t been filled with nothing but misfortune brought me a small measure of comfort. And to ease the loneliness, I decided to take one more step forward.
Standing by the window, feeling the evening breeze, I opened my messages.
Yeon-a said she had watched the entire stream. My face suddenly flushed bright red.
“Sh-she watched all of that……”
Yeon-a delivered the finishing blow. All the loneliness and emptiness vanished in an instant, replaced only by sheer embarrassment. My fingers moved quickly.
Yeon-a said she wanted to see me after so long. After hesitating for a moment, I sent a reply.
It was a night when I thought maybe taking one more step forward wouldn’t be so bad.
Smiling contentedly, I lay down on the bed and passed out from exhaustion.
And the next day……
“Eh…?”
Less than a day after being uploaded, I had become the star of a clip that had already reached 350,000 views.