Real-Life Collab (1)
Reality Collab (1) [Everyone…! I love you! Hic! Sniff, I’m really just a worthless person… someone not even worth breathing for…….]
"……."
I stared at yesterday’s disgrace with bloodshot, dead-fish eyes. There I was on the phone screen, pouring out every bit of aegyo I could muster while declaring my love. In the dark room, my own voice kept spilling out, laced with that sickening sweetness.
"…No one’s going to like this anyway."
Face burning, I covered it with one hand and killed the video with the other. Only then did a fragile peace settle over me.
"Haaauuu……."
My heart refused to calm down. After several deep breaths in the darkness, I finally managed to stand. I had wanted to be loved so badly, yet now that it was happening, I had no idea what to do with it. I’d changed a lot already, but I knew I still needed to change more—so that someday I could accept every bit of love people offered me.
"…I’ll do my best."
I just hoped these people wouldn’t one day decide they hated me and leave. If the people I loved left, it would hurt.
‘…I’ll come back, Suhyun.’
That gentle hand stroking my hair in the dark dawn had vanished long ago. The memory was still vivid. My now-longer hair carried every scar that person had left behind.
"Please don’t leave me……."
I didn’t want anyone to leave. I wanted everyone to stay by my side… no one……
The gloom crept in again. It was a bad habit I’d picked up while desperately working to support the kids after they became independent. Anything could send me spiraling into dark thoughts. I used to hate that part of myself—used to be terrified of it—but now it barely registered. I’d simply grown too lazy to go to the hospital.
I stared blankly at the front door. Until someone opened it, that door would never open on its own.
"…Not yet. I can’t go out."
Muttering that, I stood and limped into the bathroom. Washing up usually washed away some of the gloom. When I took off my clothes, the scars and wounds came into view. I sighed and checked the newest self-harm scar. Then I smiled faintly.
"It’s healing nicely……."
Thanks to the ointment I applied every day and the clean bandages, new skin was finally growing. There would probably be a scar, but it didn’t matter. My body was already covered in too many to count. I was simply grateful it still tried to heal every time I hurt it.
"…Thanks for holding on. From now on, I’ll really take care of you."
I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, determined to cherish this second chance at life. The girl in the mirror smiled back, though the expression looked awkward.
"I need to practice. It’d be nice if it came naturally someday."
I rambled on—something I never would have done before—and stepped into the warm water. My arm stung. Forcing my trembling hand to move, I lathered up and scrubbed the bloodstains from the tub.
"Still bleeding…"
After washing both myself and the tub, I started my slightly gloomy morning.
Once I was clean, I boiled a pack of ramen for the first time in ages and sat down in front of the computer. It was only 8 a.m. I’d woken earlier than usual. Sniffing the scent of rain behind the curtains, I peeked outside. Rain was pelting the window.
"…It was definitely sunny yesterday."
Strange, but my mood was still good. After all, the day it rained was the day I made my very first friend—across both lifetimes.
"…Yeon-a. I want to see you again."
I wondered how much she’d grown. That was what I was most curious about. I just hoped her beauty from back then hadn’t faded. She’d confidently claimed she’d only gotten prettier, and even in photos she looked more beautiful, but photos and reality were different.
"…Maybe I should call her."
Before eating my ramen, I dialed her number, wondering what she was up to.
* * *
In a large, quiet house, Yeon-a stared at the green bottle in front of her while tousling her messy hair.
"…Alcohol dependence? I really shouldn’t……"
She’d known for a while, but only after learning Suhyun was doing okay had she finally faced the fact that she was dependent on alcohol. She glared at the soju bottle.
"What if Suhyun ends up hating me because of you… stop tempting me……"
She stretched with a long yawn, then cleared away the dried squid and soju from last night.
"Ugh, it reeks of alcohol."
Appalled by the smell clinging to her clothes, she rushed around opening curtains and windows. It was raining, but ventilation was still necessary.
"Time to wash up."
After airing out the place, she stripped and headed for the bathroom. Just then, her phone rang.
—Trrring trrring!!
"…?"
She hadn’t made any boyfriend who would call her this early, so she tilted her head in confusion. Eventually she stepped into the tub, closed the lid over herself, and fiddled with the phone.
[☆SnakeSnake☆]
The caller was none other than Suhyun. Yeon-a was a little surprised at the early call, but simply chuckled and answered.
"Hello?"
She put it on speaker and closed her eyes. Suhyun’s voice echoed through the bathroom.
[H-Hello……]
"Not ‘honey,’ though."
[…?]
When Suhyun fell silent, clearly not understanding, Yeon-a hurried to continue.
"Good morning. Why’d you call?"
[Ah… oh, r-right! Good morning! Yeon-a.]
Suhyun greeted her instead of answering the question. Yeon-a couldn’t hold back a laugh at the cuteness and asked again.
"Why did you call, miss?"
[Ah…! It’s raining outside, so I… thought of you……]
"You like me?"
[I already said I don’t hate you…!]
Suhyun’s voice was indignant. Yeon-a giggled at the sound and suggested a video call.
"Let’s do a video call."
[Huh…? Uh, okay. By the way, your voice sounds kinda echo—Hik?!]
Suhyun accepted the video call herself, then let out a startled yelp. Yeon-a burst out laughing at the reaction.
"What are you doing?"
[W-Why are you naked……]
"Only my collarbones are showing, you know?"
Still chuckling, Yeon-a noticed the pot in Suhyun’s hands.
"What are you eating?"
[R-Ramen… I can’t finish a whole pack by myself……]
Suhyun laughed sheepishly, then slurped up a huge mouthful of noodles. Watching her, Yeon-a thought she looked like a squirrel and scolded her.
"Ramen for breakfast? That’s not good."
[…It’s all I have at home.]
"What? I thought your siblings were taking care of you."
[I-It feels like a burden, and they’re already struggling enough… I figured I’d just die anyway, so I told them to only buy ramen……]
"……"
[D-Don’t look at me like that… I know it’s not like that anymore……]
"Got it."
Yeon-a sighed and gazed at Suhyun with pitying eyes.
"I just want to feed you something nice."
She stepped out of the now-cool water, turned the camera around, and finished her shower while asking,
"Suhyun."
[Y-Yeah.]
"Can I come over to your place today?"
[Huh…?]
Suhyun sounded flustered. Yeon-a turned off the faucet and repeated herself.
"I said, can I come over today?"
An awkward silence followed.
* * *
‘R-Rain…! E-Emergency!’
Yeon-a had asked if she could visit today. We’d talked about it yesterday, but I’d been thinking at least a week from now.
"W-Well……"
[If it’s not okay, that’s fine.]
She said this while getting dressed, then smiled as she dried her hair.
[You can say no, so just be honest.]
"Auuugh……"
Of course I wanted to invite Yeon-a over. But there was a problem.
‘Didn’t she say she was a heavy smoker… and that she drinks, too.’
It wasn’t going to be easy. If my PTSD got triggered, there was no telling what kind of scene I’d make in front of her. I might end up panting, throwing up, or having an accident on the floor. I didn’t want my closest friend to see me like that. It would be embarrassing and would only make her worry for no reason.
"Y-Yeon-a… you said you drink, right……"
[Yeah, I do. I drank yesterday too.]
"……"
[It’s fine…! Really, it’s okay! You can say no.]
She insisted she was fine, doing her best to reassure me through the screen. How could I refuse when she looked like that? Honestly, PTSD or not, I just wanted to see her after so long. I’d overcome enough that the smell of alcohol shouldn’t be a big deal.
‘…I can do this.’
I could overcome it.
"…Then how about tomorrow?"
Not today. I needed a little more time to prepare. I worried she might be disappointed, but—
[Really? I can come?]
Yeon-a’s face on the screen lit up with pure joy. I smiled back at her.
"O-Of course… it’s fine!"
Of course it was fine.