Not Alone

After the sudden end of the stream, I calmed down again and started talking with Jiwoo and Minwoo. “…Why… why are you two sorry….” I was the one who should be apologizing, yet my little siblings were the ones saying sorry. It didn’t make sense. I pulled out my earphones in the dark room, moved to the bed, and sniffled while waiting for their reply.

Jiwoo sniffled back. [Unni… seeing you cry… it hurts. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you…]

“…Why would you two have to protect me?” My chest ached. It felt like the kids were suffering because of me. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I just wanted them to live laughing happily. “I’m sorry……”

I was a worthless eldest sister. I’d resolved to protect something, yet I couldn’t do anything. I got excited about something I wanted to do, yet I couldn’t even do it properly. In the end, I only ended up hurting them again. That fact alone made me unbearably sorry.

“…Don’t cry.” [Unni… we’ll help you more.] Jiwoo said she would help. I already knew that refusing their help only made things harder for them. “…Thank you.” [Don’t cry… be strong, hic!]

Jiwoo told me not to cry even while she herself was crying. I sniffled and reassured her. “Huuu… I’m okay. I’m really okay now.” Once I let it all out, my chest felt lighter. [Since you’re okay… call if it gets hard again. You’ll stream again, right?]

Jiwoo asked. I thought for a moment, wiped my tears, and continued. “I-I’ll do it tomorrow… People must’ve been really shocked.” They must have been startled when the stream suddenly cut off during the boss fight because of my PTSD. Thinking about the abrupt ending made my eyes sting again. “Hic…! Thank you… for staying with the stream… hic!” [W-why are you crying again….]

“Thank you… ha, you’re always so busy……” I said through tears, and Jiwoo gently comforted me, saying it was fine. “Hic…!” [Don’t cry, Unni… I won’t cry either.] “Okay… uuu. What about Minwoo? Where’d he go…?”

At that, Jiwoo let out a small laugh and said he was in the bathroom bawling his eyes out. [Haa… We should’ve talked more often. I’m sorry, back then and now.] “No… it’s okay. I was the one who pushed you away too.” I reassured her again. Jiwoo told me to rest and said she’d call later. I agreed and stared blankly at the disconnected call screen before pulling the blanket over myself.

“…Haa.” In the quiet room, I hiccuped. The hiccups wouldn’t stop. My throat hurt again from all the crying. I looked at the chat window on my phone, but exhaustion overtook me and I passed out.

After Suhyun’s stream suddenly ended, the related communities quickly caught fire.

Many people were worried about Suhyun, and posts speculating about why she suddenly ended the stream began appearing.

These speculations, based on Suhyun’s past behavior, were surprisingly accurate. Lying in bed, Suhyun was shocked as she read them. “C-crazy, right…?” She had thought she’d hidden it well, that she hadn’t revealed anything. Waking up to a flood of opinions, support, and worry about herself, Suhyun shed a tear first thing in the morning. “…Th-thank you, everyone… Thank you so much……” Sniffling, she hugged her phone tightly, then mumbled that gratitude was gratitude and sleep was sleep before resting for another hour.

When I woke up, I sat up in bed and let out a sly laugh. “Hehe, they’re worried about me.” People were pouring out their concern for me. At first, I was so moved that tears welled up just looking at it, but now the tears had dried and I just felt happy and strengthened. “I’m… not alone anymore.” Because I realized that when I was hurting and struggling, this many people would worry about me. That didn’t erase the fact that I had been abused. -Thud! “…Ow.” Just like my left leg that wouldn’t listen and made me fall on my butt when I tried to stand, my body was full of wounds. But maybe it was time for those wounds to turn into scars. I wanted them to stop hurting and just become something bittersweet to look at. “Until that day comes… please help me.” Leaving my sore butt behind, I hugged my phone tightly, mumbled those words, stood up, and headed to the bathroom. After finishing my shower, feeling fresh and clean, I dried my hair and sat in front of the computer. “A-ah…! Ahem!” I cleared my throat and popped the leftover throat lozenge into my mouth. “Huu……” I was nervous. Streaming the morning after causing such a huge accident. With a trembling heart, I checked my face cam before starting. It was fine. “Huuu……” Thump, thump, thump, thump. “M-my heart won’t stop……” My heart wouldn’t calm down because I was so excited to meet the Jireongis again. Even after taking deep breaths, my heart kept racing with joy. I was happy—so happy—but my heart was beating so fast that my breathing grew ragged. Even in that state, I wanted to see everyone quickly, so I started the stream.

The Jireongis came flooding in right away. With the waiting screen up and some fitting BGM playing, I crouched on my chair to watch their reactions while rolling the lozenge around in my mouth.

A sudden ₩50,000 donation popped up. Startled, I figured I should at least show my face, so I quickly turned off the waiting screen and turned on the mic. “Koff, koff…! Ehek… 5-50,000…! Thank you…! Eheek, I swallowed my spit wrong……”

I smiled awkwardly and thanked them once more for the ₩50,000.