The Father's Shadow
"Ugh, time for a horror game…….(5)"
[Ah, Dad…?]
The protagonist looked shocked. Staring at the father before him, he raised a box cutter.
[You were no help in the experiment either. Shouldn’t you at least contribute a little to the experiment that’s meant to save your mother?]
[Wh-what…!!]
The protagonist looked confused. The screen shook violently, and every time I looked at the monitor, I felt like I was going to throw up.
"Urgh…!!"
Messages flooded the chat, but none of them registered. Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! My heart pounded against my eardrums like it had gone mad. My small body trembled violently in response to every heartbeat.
"Hic, hic! Hiccup!"
Tears began to pour out. It was terrifying. Frightening. Before I knew it, the cutscene had ended and the final boss—the protagonist’s father—started approaching. I had to move. That wasn’t our dad. It wasn’t the father who used to hit me while holding a soju bottle.
[…I never should have had you!!]
"…Ah."
I stared blankly at the monitor. The protagonist character cried out in pain. He was being beaten by his father, but I was no longer in any position to save someone from violence. When a person becomes deeply absorbed in something for a long time and then takes a break, they often find themselves unable to return to it. That was exactly my state right now. No more firewood could go in. The fireplace, already burning without time to clear the ashes, had no room left for more logs. Even if a fire caught, it would be surrounded by ashes and go out almost immediately.
"…I can’t protect anyone……."
Such a weak flame couldn’t warm anyone.
"I’m sorry… I’m sorry…."
I took my hands off the keyboard and sobbed, pleading. The chat was no longer visible.
[I can’t stand how much I hate you…!! Just die already!]
"I-I’m sorry… for being born… I’m so sorry."
I begged through my sobs. I was no longer in the game. I wasn’t playing anymore. The dark surroundings transformed into the living room of a dilapidated house. The house where blood had spilled and bruises had multiplied on my body one by one. I couldn’t do anything. I could only stare blankly as someone I couldn’t protect was beaten by Dad.
"I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry… I-I’m an idiot… I…!!"
My heart pounded louder and louder against my eardrums. Then—
[Pause]
The screen suddenly froze, and my world began to collapse.
"Ehh…?"
[O/X]
And filling most of the screen was my teacher’s incoming call. At the same time, my phone beside me vibrated insistently, calling out to me, before the call dropped.
"Ah…"
With trembling hands, I barely managed to answer the teacher’s call.
[…Are you okay?]
"…Hic, haa… haa……."
No words came out. I could only sob. It had been so terrifying. I wanted to thank the teacher for breaking this illusion, but even that was difficult.
[Uh, Jiwoo, yeah, I got it. No, you did well. Yeah, the stream’s off now so don’t worry. Not much was shown.]
"Hic…! Hue… huuu……."
[Calm down. It’s okay, everything’s okay, so take a deep breath slowly, unnie.]
The gentle voice struck my ears. My heart rate slowly decreased. My chest hurt like crazy. I’d been pushed too far mentally.
"Eugh… haa… Th-thank you……."
[It’s fine. Stay on the call with me and calm down. Minwoo and Jiwoo were really shocked too, so they need to calm down as well, unnie.]
The teacher spoke as if smiling kindly, comforting me. Apparently Jiwoo and Minwoo were also so startled that they needed time to settle.
[Minwoo has Discord installed, so we could all talk together here, but what do you want to do, unnie? Do you want to talk with just Jiwoo and Minwoo? Should I leave?]
"Hic! Haa……."
[If you’re not calm yet, it’s okay to think slowly. I have plenty of time…!]
At the voice that seemed to care for me as much as possible, I sniffled and fumbled around for the box cutter.
"J-just… wait a moment. I’m going to use the box cutter for a bit……."
[Ah…….]
"Don’t stop me… My heart is beating so fast… If I don’t do at least this, I feel like I’ll die……."
I felt like I was going to die. Really, I couldn’t endure this. Now that I had somewhat calmed down, I just wanted to feel better, so I turned off the mic and wailed.
* * *
After cleaning the bloodstains off the desk, I sniffled and turned the mic back on. A gentle voice came through.
[Are you okay?]
"…I’m sorry."
At the teacher’s kind voice, I answered that I was sorry and sniffled.
"I wanted to do well… I really, really wanted to do well… I guess I can’t… Of course……."
A failure. That wasn’t a word I’d heard for nothing. I always fell short of my parents’ expectations in my past life and couldn’t properly do what I was told. Yet I practiced hard only on things I wasn’t asked to do, and was abandoned. I was a failure. It must have been the same even after being reborn. Even without recovering my memories, because my soul was the same, I acted similarly, and that might have made Mom leave. In the end, I was trash. Trash that couldn’t take on any role or be of any help. There was a time when I burned with the desire to raise my younger siblings. Of course, the moment they became adults and that goal disappeared, my flame went out too. Even so, the precious fire I had worked so hard to rekindle was extinguished in an instant by the ashes.
"Hic…! This time… I really wanted to do well……."
[…….]
"…I really, really didn’t want to be abandoned."
I was still wearing a collar. Broken, unable to escape endless emotional and physical violence. Dragged around by a dog leash. The leash my past-life parents had put on me, whose whereabouts were now unknown, pulled me until my neck nearly broke.
"I-I’m sorry… I can’t even do a stream properly……."
[You were amazing, unnie.]
"…?"
Yet even so, the teacher told me I was amazing.
[…I can’t comfort you. I don’t know how big your wounds are or how much they hurt… I’m just sorry.]
"……."
[But you know, even from a rough look, I can tell your wounds are big. Because all the flaws you mentioned are right there.]
"…Then why."
I asked. Why was someone who knew my flaws so well still associating with me? She answered.
[Because the strengths you showed before you started talking about your flaws were so dazzling.]
"…!!"
[Those strengths are still shining even after you told me about your flaws.]
"…N-no… I don’t have any strengths……."
[Can a shining flashlight see its own light?]
The teacher asked this while saying everything was okay.
[The brighter it shines, the hotter it gets, so it might hurt. Since you can only see what you illuminate, your surroundings might look bright.]
"……."
[But it’s okay. It’s just that you don’t have a mirror to reflect yourself yet.]
"…It hurts."
[If you want, I’ll be your mirror. Or maybe the Jireongi can be your mirror.]
At the teacher’s words, telling me everything was okay, I looked at my reflection on the monitor. A wounded woman. A woman covered in scars, her face a mess from tears, sat there blankly. My gaze lowered. The chat was visible. People who hadn’t left even after the stream ended.
I couldn’t understand. It was strange. These people were strange. I didn’t know what was so good about me that they would worry this much. But it didn’t feel bad. Even that felt strange, so I couldn’t say anything.
"……."
[Unnie, have you calmed down a bit?]
"Yeah……."
[Jiwoo seems to have calmed down too. Talk to your sibling once.]
"Thank you……."
When I said that, the teacher said it was nothing. I sniffled and hung up. After closing the game with Alt+F4, I made a call. The ringing tone stretched on.
[Connecting……]
Sniffling, I waited for the call with Jiwoo while reading the chat.
Apologizing Jireongi. Looking at those people, I felt the trembling in my hands stop. The shaking throughout my body gradually disappeared. While I was surprised by that for a moment, Jiwoo answered the call.
[Unnie!]
"…J-Jiwoo."
[Sorry… I’m sorry, unnie. Are you okay? I’m sorry…….]
[Big sis… are you okay? We’re sorry.]
Why on earth were they apologizing? Hearing Jiwoo and Minwoo’s sobbing voices, I couldn’t erase that question, but seeing my siblings sad made my chest ache, so I could only sob silently and cover my mouth.