An Old Story
After awkwardly thanking them, I stare blankly at the chat window.
I stare blankly at the people worrying about me.
Honestly, it still feels awkward.
I can’t really remember the last time someone worried about me.
“Suhyun, are you okay?”
“You’re gonna die if you keep this up…!! Please, please snap out of it…!!”
An old memory surfaces—someone shouting at me like that.
Back then, that concern terrified me. Now, it feels precious beyond words.
Precious enough that I regret pushing it away.
The chat pulls me out of my thoughts again. I snap back to reality and quickly reassure everyone that I’m fine.
“Ah, it’s nothing…! I’m okay, haha……”
My awkwardly practiced smile.
For some reason, the chat explodes again.
Watching the chat, I shout that I only scratched impulsively yesterday and haven’t done it once today, so they should calm down.
“Auuugh…! C-calm down! Y-you’re scaring me! Stop…!”
The excited, wriggling earthworms and my own flustered panic turn the stream into chaos for about ten minutes.
“I-I’m calm now… B-but are you all okay?”
I ask carefully.
They immediately reply that they’re fine.
They’re right—I should probably explain what happened yesterday.
This isn’t a one- or two-day stream.
“Isn’t it too soon?”
But another part of my heart can’t shake the thought.
These people I’ve only just met.
Is it right to tell them something this heavy?
I can’t stay silent, though. If something goes wrong on stream, they’ll just get startled again.
I steel myself.
I decide to only talk about yesterday for now, and share more later if they ask.
“U-um… Do you really want me to tell you? I-it’ll take a while to explain……”
“F-first, about what happened yesterday……”
I begin by admitting that I really did have a panic attack during the stream.
“I-I did have a panic attack while streaming… I-it’s a long, dark story, so I’ll skip the details.”
“The stream… the earthworms turned it off for me. It shut down quickly, and after that… I talked on the phone with Akari for a bit.”
“Ah, Akari didn’t exactly take care of me, it’s just… she saw the stream and called to stop the panic. Thanks to her, the game stopped and I survived.”
I bow my head slightly to thank Mama.
Then a single chat pops up.
“After that, I self-harmed once… then calmed down while talking with my family. Thank you for worrying about me.”
I thank the viewers who waited without knowing why.
I’m truly grateful. Even their crying and saying they couldn’t do anything gave me strength.
The ones who donated saying they wanted to help somehow—I’m grateful for them too.
Every single chat means the world to me.
“I-I did scratch, but… I-I didn’t do it much. Lately it’s been a little scary… Heheh, it’s all thanks to you guys.”
Sorry, Dad, but these days I actually feel like living, so I smile brightly.
It’s a real smile, different from the fake one earlier—natural, slipping out on its own.
People who notice type tearful chats thanking me.
Now that they’ve calmed down a bit, they start asking why my panic attacks are so severe.
It’s the reaction I expected. I bring the mic closer.
After crunching down the now-tiny throat lozenge, I ask:
“Should I… tell you? My past story.”
They signal they’re ready to listen.
I start warning them.
“I-it’s really dark… really bleak… a-and really scary……”
A terribly dark, bleak, and frightening story.
That’s the life I’ve lived.
A story where the only hope I had were my two younger siblings—the only ones I ever looked at.
Yet they’re willing to listen to such a bleak story.
Even though I’ve always run away from help, they’re reaching out again.
“Suhyun… they want to help you. Please, we’re friends—just trust me once……”
“……”
“Suhyun.”
The hand I once rejected and ran from—they’re extending it again.
This time, I want to take it. I make the selfish choice.
I’ll hurt them too.
I’m a selfish person who, despite being covered in quills like a hedgehog, still runs toward people begging to be held.
“…Please don’t hate me after listening. I don’t want to hurt anyone……”
With that flimsy excuse, I shift the responsibility onto the earthworms.
They chat back saying it’s fine and keep talking with me.
“Pfft…! I-I’m not talking because you’re giving me money…! Thanks for easing the tension.”
Smiling at their playful chats, I pull over a tissue.
“P-please get your tissues ready……”
People chuckle.
Staring at them blankly for a moment, I smile softly and begin telling the bleak story of my past.
Starting from when the domestic violence began, to how at twelve I started throwing myself in harm’s way to protect my siblings.
Then the story of nearly dying after trying to report it.
And how I somehow raised my siblings after that.
The listeners react in all sorts of ways.
Some just sob.
Some beg me to take their money.
Some curse out my dad—lightly at first, then a lot more strongly.
“T-too strong of a curse is scary……”
“Ah, that… the right one’s fine, but the left leg that Dad dragged when I fell is pretty messed up… R-right now the feeling’s dull and it doesn’t move well……”
Feeling sorry for the earthworms whose tears won’t stop, I comfort them earnestly.
“Everyone, I’m really okay now… B-because I met all of you… I still haven’t healed my trauma… or overcome it, but… I’m trying to get better……”
I want to get better.
I want to communicate normally with people too.
“…I-I might limp a little when I talk… I-it might be frustrating… Huuu, please take care of me.”
After asking them to take care of me once more, I smile softly.
The chat turns into a sea of tears again.
Seeing everyone cry for me makes my chest feel warm.
Today I pulled some illustrations of my siblings.
Yoo Jiwoo
Yu Minu
