Major Cleanup (1)
Right after emptying my bladder in the bathroom, I crawled back into bed and burrowed under the covers. “…I should clean.” Regardless of whether my teacher was coming over, I really did need to tidy up. If I’d decided to change, it only made sense to start with my surroundings. The thought crept in that maybe the trash wasn’t some mark I was leaving on the world, but just another friend dragging me deeper into depression. “It’s bad for my health, too……”
And on top of that, I already owed my siblings so much. If I died buried under garbage before I could repay them, there wouldn’t be a bigger piece of trash in existence. Before a funeral happened where no one showed up because of money, I decided to remove the cause. “The sooner, the better.”
Who knows. Maybe my gloomy mood would improve a little. Maybe I’d even start to feel like my life was changing. “…It might be a false hope, but if there’s hope, I can keep going, right?”
Hope. Was someone like me even allowed to have that? Honestly, I doubted it. After all, I was no different from Dad. I’d locked Minu and Jiwoo away and still tried to protect them. Even the excuse that I couldn’t report him because I was beaten half to death felt like just that—an excuse. “I should’ve reported him even if it killed me……”
If I’d just reported him, maybe Minu and Jiwoo could’ve been happy. They wouldn’t have needed a pathetic big sister like me. Dad, who took my life, would’ve gotten a harsher punishment, too. “How far is one piece of trash going to let her thoughts wander?”
I grabbed my head and tried to stop thinking, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop. Clutching the box cutter tightly, I begged for them to please stop. The urge to pull out the blade rose, but I didn’t act on it. I just held the cutter in my trembling hands and sobbed. “…Someone… tell me I’m not……”
In the empty room, I muttered to myself. Please, please, I wished someone would tell me I wasn’t. “Don’t say I’m pitiful—tell me I’m not……” I wanted someone to say that I was normal too, that my siblings liked me, that I was someone great. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I reached for my phone anyway. “J-Jiwoo… save your big sister… please……”
My heart felt like it was going to burst. My breathing came out ragged, my throat felt torn, but the sobs wouldn’t stop. Thump, thump, thump. My heart pounded so hard it seemed determined to shatter my weak body. Clutching my chest and begging it to stop, I listened to the ringing tone. What if she hated that I called first?
[Hello? Why are you calling so suddenly, sis?]
A gentle voice came through, sounding like she was smiling. “Jiwoo…!! J-Jiwoo……” I pressed the phone to my ear, shaking as I heard her voice. “Hic…! I-I’m… not a pitiful person, right?”
[Sis…? Are you crying?]
“J-Just answer me… I’m… not a bad person, right?” I asked through sobs. Jiwoo answered right away. [Why would you be a bad person? Of course you’re an amazing person.]
“…Hic! Hiccup! The tears… won’t stop… hic!” [Sis, are you okay? Why are you like this all of a sudden?]
“I-I was going to clean up the trash… but suddenly I felt like I was trash too… hic! Hic… I thought I was going to die, I got so scared……” Even though I rambled on, the smart Jiwoo patiently listened to everything. [Why would you be like Dad? What are you even saying?]
“B-Because of me… you two had a harder time, hic!” [No, sis. You’re our hero.]
“H-Hero…?” [Then who’s calling our big sister pitiful? Huh?]
“…M-My teacher saw the stream and said I looked p-p-pathetic……” [Ah… the cam broadcast?]
Jiwoo must have seen it too, because she said that with an awkward laugh. [Sis, that’s just people who don’t know anything saying whatever they want.]
“D-Does Teacher not know either?” [Th-That’s! Haram has this habit of crying when she sees something cute.]
“Sh-She also said I was someone great……” [Yeah! That’s Haram’s real feelings.]
“R-Really?” If Jiwoo said so, then it must be true. Thinking that, I blew my nose and stopped crying. “…I see. Thanks… I feel better now.” [Good. Our big sister is so strong.]
After that, I had to listen to Jiwoo shower me with praise for about ten minutes.
* * *
[Sis, you’re not a bad person. We don’t think that at all.] “…Got it. Thanks, Jiwoo.” [If you keep doubting yourself, I’m really going to feel hurt, you know?]
“Y-Yeah, sorry.” Feeling awkward for doubting Jiwoo’s love, I apologized with a sheepish smile. ‘Well, she must believe in me and invest because she loves me… I’ll work hard to repay her and live up to her expectations.’ “I-I’ll repay you with hard work and love.” [Y-You really don’t have to.]
“What are you saying, Jiwoo? I only sent you two to college and couldn’t do anything else… Don’t say that… don’t abandon me……” [No, uh… well……] “Hic…!” [Okay! I’ll let you repay me. Yeah, repay me…! Just work super hard and pay it back.]
“Hic… okay.” Jiwoo cheered me on, telling me to work hard and definitely repay the money. Tears welled up at her kind heart. [Sis, you should stop crying now. You’ll ruin your voice for streaming.]
“Y-Yeah, you’re right, heh… thanks.” Jiwoo was looking out for me. I smiled and thanked her. [By the way, sis, when are you cleaning the house? Minu’s semester ended and he’s out of the dorm, so he has time.]
“…Th-Then can you come tomorrow…? I think I should throw things away while I’m still determined.” Jiwoo said she understood. “A-Also, I told Teacher she could help… I said it was okay for now?” [Should I bring her? Oh, she’s talking about it right now too.]
“A-A text?” [Yeah, a text. Don’t worry, sis is more important than her.] Jiwoo kept talking like that. Honestly, I was scared of letting an outsider into the house. But Teacher didn’t feel scary. ‘Big sis is amazing…!’ ‘Kyaa, so cute!’ ‘Shall we try slowly?’ It was like Teacher’s gentle voice brushed past my ears. ‘You decided to change, Suhyun… Let’s change. Let’s try changing……’
After making that resolution in my heart, I squeezed my eyes shut and blurted out to Jiwoo like I was vomiting the words. “I-I mean it’s probably fine, I just want to see Teacher’s face once.” […!!] “S-Sorry, was that too fast…? I-I’m nervous.”
Jiwoo burst out laughing at that. When I tilted my head in confusion, she apologized and continued. [Haram is nice, so it’ll be fine, sis. I’ll bring her.] “Y-Yeah… I want to see her face once, and… her chest is big.” […It is unnecessarily big.]
Jiwoo added that she was jealous. I remembered Jiwoo wasn’t exactly small either. Whenever Dad drank, he used to say to me, “If only you had a chest like Jiwoo’s.” ‘What a bastard… saying that to his own daughter……’ I grumbled inwardly and asked Jiwoo. “…Y-You’re big too, Jiwoo.” [Well… a little?] She said that with a smile. I clapped for her, meaning it was impressive. [Why are you clapping just because sis has a big chest?]
Jiwoo asked with a giggle. I smiled awkwardly and asked if that wasn’t the case. [No, it’s fine.] “Hic……” [Anyway, you’re saying tomorrow’s okay? Hey! Yu Minu!! Come out!! Say hi to big sis!!] “Y-Your voice…!” [Ah! S-Sorry, was the mic not off?]
“It’s fine… huff, it’s fine. I was just a little surprised.” After that, Minu took the phone. [Noona, sorry. I was in the shower so I couldn’t come out right away.] “Hehe… it’s fine. Semester over?” [Yeah, it’s over.]
“Is police university not hard?” [It’s not hard. I’m working hard.] Minu said everything was fine. I smiled, proud of my amazing little brother. “I’m glad. Thanks for studying hard.” [What, I should be the one thanking you.]
“…I’ll hang up. See you tomorrow.” [Okay, go rest.] “……Yeah.” After hanging up, I crawled back under the covers. “…Ah, my throat hurts.” It hurt from crying so much, but my mood was good. Maybe it was because I’d heard my siblings’ voices.
* * *
“……” “Noona, why’s your face like that? What did big noona say?” “…Haa, I recorded it. Want to listen?” Jiwoo said that and played the call recording. Minu, who’d been looking puzzled, had his expression crumble in an instant. [Jiwoo…!! J-Jiwoo……] The call started with such a desperate sob. “…Big noona.” [Hic…! I-I’m… not a pitiful person, right?]
Minu felt like his heart was being torn apart by the voice that sounded like it would die if no one answered. Jiwoo, hearing it again, felt the same. Suhyun cried for a long time, asking if she was pitiful, then calmed down after hearing Jiwoo’s steady voice. Hearing their eldest sister like that, the second and third siblings felt their hearts breaking. “Haa……”
Minu covered his eyes with his arm and leaned back on the sofa. Without a word, Jiwoo picked up her phone and texted Haram. After sending a message about coming to clean up trash together tomorrow, she looked at Minu. “…Minu.” “……” “Let’s cheer up, the two of us.” “…Yeah. We have to.”
“Haa… We should’ve sent her to therapy.” Jiwoo muttered with a sigh. “You went to law school, so at least help with the streaming, noona.” “Yeah… I’ll crush all those malicious commenters.” Jiwoo said that and smiled. “Want a beer?” “…Sure.” The two of them clinked their beer glasses and comforted each other’s wounded hearts.