4. If I've Got to Go, at Least Let Me Bring Ketchup?!

"Puhahaha! You've got to be kidding me—he actually stepped on it and slipped?!"

"Squeak! Squeak-squeak—! (You insolent creature! Open this at once, won't you!)"

"Shh, quiet, quiet! I'm studying here!"

"...Squeak-squeak. Squeak-squeak?! (...And where, exactly, do you see any studying happening?!)"

All I had done was graciously deign to share a few words when she claimed she wished to know about the world, and for my trouble, I had been thrown—without trial, without mercy—into a cage.

"Every other adult on this planet knows to hush up when the kid's studying, you know~? Tsk!"

Clunk—!

"Squeak-squeak—! (Unhand this body! Where do you think you're taking it?!)"

"I'll let you out at mealtimes. Well then, bye now!"

Clack—!

Squeak-squeak! (Do you have any idea who this body is?! Elysia the Transcendent, that is who!)

She didn't so much as acknowledge me. Without a shred of ceremony, the bathroom door clicked shut, and she was gone.

This would not do. It simply would not. To be cooped up in a bathroom like this, dignity stripped bare—unthinkable.

It was all your fault, Jifreet!

Sealing my mana and stuffing me into a hamster, of all things?!

Somehow, I had to stop that fiend's plan.

The trouble was that, in hamster form, I had no way of entering the Tower on my own. No doubt Jifreet knew that perfectly well when he sealed me inside an animal's body.

Mana whose purity matched mine flawlessly. And mana in overflowing abundance. If I was to have my revenge and thwart his scheme besides, I needed that child.

...But how?

One way or another, I had to coax that bizarre child into the Tower with me.

"Mmm— nom."

This world was the absolute best.

The comics I'd loved. The novels I'd loved. The celebrities I'd loved.

Every last one of them was still here, untouched—and best of all, there was the hamburger in my hand at this very moment.

I could eat as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted.

On my screen, an idol was dancing while blasting apart the monsters crawling out of a C-rank gate.

"Maybe she was secretly a magical girl back in my old world, too?"

A perfectly reasonable suspicion. Nobody got that pretty otherwise.

She was either AI or a magical girl.

"Anyway, here's what's bugging me. Why am I not gaining any weight?"

Just the hamburgers I'd demolished in this tiny body over two days already came to ten.

Even with fries snuck in between meals, there wasn't a hint of me growing wider or taller.

"Could I have awakened? Some kind of 'tastes good, zero calories' power, maybe?!"

If you're curious, just ask!

Mister Hamster was a preachy old fossil who did nothing but nag, so he was out.

That left exactly one source of instant answers to anything: the Awakened Gallery.

Sure, it was crawling with people so tone-deaf they could kill a man with sheer shamelessness, but filtered carefully, it was actually quite useful.

Post submitted, my finger drifted to the thread sitting at number one on the realtime board.

"Huh? Wait, this is about me."

"So that dragonfly bastard was actually strong, huh? It looked too dumb to tell."

Once again, I was reminded of what a truly magnificent being Mister Hamster was. Not that he'd be locked in a bathroom right now without my mana.

"Oh, right. I never fed him."

He'd already been in there eight whole hours. They say hamsters turn vicious when they're starving—better feed him quick, right?

Clack—!

"Are you alive in there? If so, please wiggle the carrot."

But no sound came from inside.

No way the great Archmage Nibbles keeled over from a mere eight hours without food?! Then again, with a lifespan that was nearly spent to begin with, and starvation stacked on top of it, it was entirely plausible.

"Mister Nibbles!!"

I bolted inside, flung the cage open, scooped him out, and cupped him in my palm.

"He's still breathing—barely! If I gave him mana, he'd pull through, right?"

And so I set Mister Hamster down on the crown of my head, my own personal mana fountain.

"Khhm. I am quite well. This body yet draws breath. Squeak."

Thank goodness.

"You have to eat, you know. There's a saying—even the ghost who dies well-fed looks well-off."

"If you're going to die, at least die after eating. Otherwise I'm the one stuck feeling guilty."

"...I suppose I shall. Squeak."

"Anything in particular you'd like to eat?"

"The Fruit of the World Tree. That is what I desire. Squeak..."

"What's that? Where would you even get one?"

"A fruit found on the Tower's topmost floor, the hundredth. ...They say it grants any wish to the one who eats it. Its flavor, I might add, is exquisite. Squeak."

Did I mishear that?

The news said the current record was floor thirty-two.

"Floor one hundred?! How are we supposed to get that? Just eat your sunflower seeds."

"Then we simply climb, no? With this body at your side, it would be over in a trice. Squeak."

What kind of bullshit was that?

Ah, wait—he was a hamster. Should I call it hamster shit?

Anyway. That pardon had been wrung out of me by the skin of his teeth. I'd let it slide once already, but if he stepped out of line again, there'd be no mercy—he could well end up out on the street.

"You barely just got pardoned, and you want to cause more trouble already?"

"Climb it ourselves, and the coin flows far more freely. Squeak."

I'm sure. And?

Even with the money I had now, I could eat hamburgers until I burst.

"A rich bum is the best kind of bum—why bother? If you won't eat them, then don't."

"Then eat something worthy! Hand over a hamburger—not sunflower seeds!"

Mister Hamster gave my hair a sharp yank.

Huh. So he was perfectly fine. All that worrying for nothing.

Note to self: next time, eight hours of starvation did not warrant an apology.

Watching Nibbles work through his hamburger with such gusto, a question suddenly occurred to me.

"So, Mister Nibbles. Is the Fruit of the World Tree tastier than a hamburger?"

Oh, and I'd decided "Nibbles" sounded less rude than I'd expected, so Nibbles it was. If it ever came out sounding like "Nipples," that was purely my pronunciation—don't get the wrong ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠idea.

Ziiiing—!

"Oh! There it is."

"Then why don't I gain weight?"

Mister Hamster, having cleaned his plate and climbed onto my head, peered down at my screen.

"Spending mana consumes energy in the end. That must be why you do not gain weight. Squeak."

Which meant I was getting a nonstop workout even as we spoke.

No wonder I was always hungry.

Being broke would have made that a disaster—but honestly? This worked out great.

I mean, it meant I could eat even more hamburgers.

"Well then, one more it is."

The talk of hamburgers had made me crave one.

And my choice is?!

The pride of Notteria! The one, the only, the original!

I pulled out a shrimp burger.

And at that exact moment—

KRRRUUUMBLE—!

"Earthquake!!"

I dove under the table and curled into a ball. Naturally, I did not forget to grab the shrimp burger.

But something felt off. The floor wasn't shaking—more like... the air itself was trembling?

"Mmmph— guesh it's not an earthquake."

Mister Nibbles offered no reply.

What, a food coma? Sleeping through even this—so magic came with the package, but animal instincts apparently didn't.

"Hm. Or is it just gone cold? That'd explain the disappointment."

For moments like this, there was Secret Technique No. 1. Ketchup from the sweet-potato fries, drizzled straight onto the shrimp patty!

"Eat it like this and it's a whole new flavor, I tell you!"

PEEEEP—PEEEEP—!

My smartphone began shrieking at full volume.

"Oh my— that gave me a fright. Now what?"

"There was a rank called Unmeasurable?"

Ziiiing—!

And then the comments began pouring in without a second's pause.

"Jifreet?! Squeak?!"

Mister Nibbles suddenly went berserk.

"Weren't you asleep just now?"

"To the rooftop of this building, this instant! Go—hurry! Squeak!"

"A gate just opened. I told you, didn't I? No more causing trouble."

And with that, I took an enormous bite of my ketchup-drizzled shrimp burger.

Mmm. Now that was a delicacy.

Shrimp burger sauce and ketchup, in perfect harmony.

Should I drizzle on a little more?

Except the ketchup packets were still on the table... ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠It'd be fine to pop outside for a second, right?

"Speak not such drivel! Linger ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠here any longer, and it will not be merely your beloved Notteria that vanishes—this entire district will be wiped away without a trace!"

"...Notteria?"

The hand holding my shrimp burger froze mid-bite.

Notteria could vanish?

That was absolutely, categorically unacceptable.

"You monsters— you wretched fiends!"

I scrambled out from under the table, dashed to the front door, and jammed my feet into my shoes.

"KYAAAAAH—!"

Screams began ringing out from outside, one after another.

Hold on a second...

Come to think of it, Unmeasurable meant stronger than the dragonfly thing, right?

Which would mean...

...this might be the last shrimp burger of my life?

And if it truly was the last one, I could not let it end on such a wistful note.

THE KETCHUP!!

I kicked my shoes straight back off and made for the table.

"What now?! Where do you think you are going?! Squeak?!"

"If go I must, surely one little ketchup packet won't hurt?! Wouldn't you say so, my dear Sir Nibbles?"

"...I no longer pretend to understand you. Do as you will. Squeak."

With a shrimp burger in my left hand and ketchup packets in my right, there was nothing in this world I feared.