I'm Done! I'm Fucked! You Bastard!
I shut my eyes and opened them. Then I rubbed them and opened them again. Finally, I forced them open as wide as they would go.
"Wow—what I'm looking at right now is actually real, isn't it?"
A dragon straight out of a comic book was soaring through the sky, and it was so enormous it blotted out the heavens entirely.
"Indeed! That wretch is Jifreet! Squeak!"
Munch munch. Gulp—
"You mean Ghiblit?"
"You can still force a hamburger down your gullet at a time like this?! Squeak?"
It wasn't as if the dragon had actually done anything to me yet, so what exactly was supposed to get stuck in my throat?
"Sounds like you two have met before?"
"Of course we have. A Transcendent, same as This One. Squeak."
"The same... Transcendent?"
I couldn't exactly see Squeak-ssi perched up there, of course, but I looked back and forth between the dragon and the top of my head all the same. So I wasn't the only one who felt something was off here, right? A hamster sitting on my head and that dragon—the same kind of being? Judging by looks alone, the gap between them was like the difference between a D-rank summon you'd pull in a game and an SSS-rank one. Maybe even EX-rank.
"If that's true, I imagine the dragon's feelings would be terribly hurt."
"What is that supposed to mean?! Squeak!"
"Anyone besides Titty-ssi there would get what I mean?"
In our terms... would it be like an ant marching up to you and declaring, 'You are neither my equal, nor above me, nor below me!'?
"You don't seem to believe it, but This One is a Transcendent above that creature! Squeak!"
Oh... and there she went, doubling down. I knew her self-esteem was astronomical, but at this point wasn't it verging on a medical condition? Of course, being the gentleman I am, I took her feelings into account and broke the news as tactfully as I could.
"Ah, yes—so that's how it was. Your overflowing self-love is truly a sight to behold. A thumbs-up for you."
I stretched my hand up high and gave her a big, solemn thumbs-up.
"It is true! There is a reason for all of it! How many times has This One tried to tell you, only for you to not even pretend to listen?! Squeak!"
And here I thought I was taking her fairly seriously... Granted, she'd proven plenty already, but honestly, who in their right mind was going to believe that? A hamster small enough to fit inside one palm, spouting nothing but absurdities about being the Tower's administrator and a Transcendent above dragons. Not to mention how much she normally talked, half of which—true to her preachy old-fogey nature—was pure self-flattery.
"I see you believe not a word of it. Very well. From this day forth, This One shall make you worship This One."
What exactly were you planning to do with my worship? And please, give up already. Sadly, I already serve the great Burger God.
Besides, if I were going to put my faith in anyone, it'd be the one over there. That dragon looked liable to hand out gold and jewels. The best a hamster could offer, meanwhile, was sunflower seeds, wasn't it?
KUWAAAAANG—!
The shockwave of that sudden roar alone nearly knocked me off my feet. No. Absolutely not. I was not surrendering my last bite to the rooftop floor. Chomp—
And with my mouth stuffed to bursting with shrimp burger, a question suddenly struck me.
"Buh doo Twanscendens all tawk wike dat? (Seriously, are Transcendents all just bad at talking, or what?)"
"It is a show of force. And henceforth, swallow first, then speak. Squeak."
"Ooh—a show of force..."
I almost wished I hadn't asked. Which, put simply, meant the dragon was nothing but a windbag, no? Somehow, the more I learned about Transcendents, the further their authority seemed to sink... At this rate, didn't the whole roster need replacing?
"But then why is that one a dragon while you're a hamster, Squeak-ssi?"
"Hohoho. So you have finally deigned to listen? It was three years ago, when..."
Here we go, here we go! This was exactly why I didn't want to hear it. Nobody was holding a knife to her throat—would it kill her to just explain things simply?
"You're the one who said it was urgent. Just finish it in one sentence, please."
"Ahem... a fair point, I concede. This One has been undone by a sly and shallow ploy. Squeak."
"You're quite the schemer for someone with your face."
Going by looks alone, you'd have pinned that on the dragon instead.
"Then what were you, if not a hamster?"
What was there that ran in the same league as a dragon?
"A Phoenix. Squeak."
"Ooh—a Phoenix! So you're basically a fire chicken, then?"
Suddenly I was craving fire-chicken Buldak noodles to go with my cheeseburger. Slurp—
"A f-fire chicken?! What kind of preposterous—"
"Hear me, humans—!"
Squeak-ssi's voice was effortlessly drowned out.
"Ooh, sounds like he's about to make an announcement."
"Ha! Merely hearing that voice stokes This One's fury all the more. Keep a sharp watch for any danger factors around you. Squeak."
Before long, Squeak-ssi had begun chanting away, just like during the Flygon. Well, he had addressed it to humans, so I supposed hamsters were exempt.
As for danger factors... the only thing that came to mind was CCTV. I hurriedly scanned my surroundings. Thankfully, no camera was going to be sitting on a rooftop, and only a handful of buildings nearby stood taller than this one. At least I probably didn't need to worry about anything ending up on video.
"Five years have passed since the Tower was driven into this earth. And still you cower on a mere 32nd floor."
Well, naturally. Who in their right mind risks their neck climbing? You could rice-farm the lower floors on repeat and make a perfectly good living.
"Therefore, I have resolved upon extraordinary measures. If one year from now you have still not reached the 50th floor, I shall annihilate you in sequence—beginning with the Non-Awakened, who are of no use in climbing the Tower, then the E-Rank, then the D-Rank."
He had a point, actually. From the perspective of someone kept waiting, five years of stagnation must have been unbearable. Yep. Of course. Totally fair. Huh? Wait just a second. Didn't that make me the number-one candidate for extermination?!
Just like that, I'd been handed an unexpected death sentence, expiration date and all. This was bad. What was I supposed to do? Bump up my burgers-per-meal count? Or was this finally my cue to move to a proper Burger-influence Zone—somewhere with a Burger King, a McDonald's, a Father Touch, and a Notteria all within arm's reach? I could ask my parents. "I promise to live quietly, so please, let's move to a Burger-influence Zone."
No, ask for too much and I could end up losing Notteria altogether.
"A weighty dilemma indeed. You are under orders not to set foot outside, after all—hardly in a position to go and buy one yourself."
Or should I try my luck with my dear older brother while I was at it? No—if I did that, I'd probably end up not with hamburgers but with a lecture about eating proper meals and a mandatory seat at the family dinner table. Which would be its own special kind of horrific.
After sinking into that deep, dark pit of deliberation for a good long while, I finally lifted my gaze—and
What the—had the dragon gotten even bigger? Why did it feel like its face was inches from mine?
"Don't tell me... did I awaken?! Like, clairvoyance or something?"
Yeah, no. There was no way.
Then what was this dragon doing right in front of my nose...
Maybe I should try moving? Right.
"Whoa! It followed me."
Left, this time. Sure as sunrise, the dragon's eyes tracked my every movement without fail.
"Oh—so it is watching m... Huh? WHAT?!!!"
We made eye contact?!
"Squeak-ssi, I'm done. I'm fucked! You bastard!"
"Mana was coalescing, so I came to look. And here you were, still alive. Elysia."
Elysia? No, my name is Ban Harang, actually. And Elysia wasn't my past-life name, either.
"But how are you casting magic?"
"I believe you've got the wrong person. Well then, I'll just—"
CRASH—!
With a single gesture from the dragon, the door leading to the stairwell burst into fragments.
"Yes. Of course. It would be terribly rude of me to leave first while an elder is speaking."
And so I knelt down right where I stood, with impeccable courtesy.
"I see. So you were leeching off a mere human. You have grown terribly weak, Elysia."
Oh. So Elysia meant Squeak-ssi. So they really had met before.
"Well then, shall I... step aside so the two of you can have a nice, serious conversation? A mere human wedged in between the likes of you would be rather absurd, after all. Righty-o."
I cautiously sized up my surroundings as I spoke.
"How remarkable. To think you can raise your voice before me. How brave."
No sir—at this very moment, the cola I'd chugged earlier felt about ready to come leaking out the other direction. Ever since I'd become a woman, even holding it in had become a struggle.
"Let us have a look, then."
Huh? See what? Something cool?
"I wonder what you are trusting in, to bluster so."
Oh. That's what he meant.
The dragon twitched its fingers a few times, then opened its mouth again, and there was something genuinely flustered in its voice.
"A Non-Awakened...?!"
After a long moment of silence, the dragon let out a low groan.
"Hoo... courage born of ignorance, was it. This is what humans are... Not a shred of awareness of their own station."
"Somebody please tell him that isn't true, Squeak-ssi."
Honestly, show me one person with a firmer grasp of their place in the world than I had.
"Come to think of it, this is as good an opportunity as any. I shall erase you, Elysia, you bitch, along with this human child, as an example to the rest."
Erase me? That felt like a slightly excessive sentence, didn't it? I couldn't afford to die here—not when I'd only ever tasted Notteria! If I'd known this was coming, I would've grabbed one more bulgogi burger.
Hold on. Now that I actually thought about it, wasn't this infuriating? Squeak-ssi had told me to come up, so I'd come up, and she'd spent the last several minutes doing nothing but chant. Meanwhile, this one—a stone-cold stranger—was openly looking down on me. Still, my past life had taught me something. If you were going to die anyway, you might as well die doing what you wanted.
"What was that, you dimwitted lizard? You're one to talk—dirty tricks are all you know."
"Dirty tricks? Puhahaha. It has been an age since I last laughed."
What? What was so funny about that? Shouldn't he be offended? Or... had everything Squeak-ssi said actually been nothing but lies?
"Quit the chanting and say something, Squeak-ssi."
"Chanting? What incantation could possibly be woven from the mana of a Non-Awakened? At the very most, a Fireball, I should think."
God, what a yapper. His voice was already loud enough to make my ears ring.
"Would you please keep it down? This is exactly what's wrong with old people. You think being loud automatically means being right."
"I let the first insult pass, but I can endure no more. Die. Now."
Let it pass? Let what pass, exactly? He'd just announced he was going to erase me from existence—how was that "letting it pass"? For a self-styled Transcendent, what an insufferable blowhard.
The dragon's hand stretched high into the sky. Intending to bring it crashing down on me just like that, no doubt.
Ah. So this was how it ended. Dear God, if you're giving me another life, please make me the daughter of a burger shop owner. I've died young twice now—surely a wish that small is within Your power. Right?
"And wherever you're going, do be a dear and go screw yourself on the way."
I was just raising my middle finger when a most welcome voice drifted down from atop my head.
"Going where? The only one slinking off with his tail between his legs will be that reptile. Squeak!"
In that instant, a colossal magic circle unfurled across the sky, vast enough to swallow it whole. It was on an entirely different plane from the Flygon. It would have been no exaggeration to say it blanketed the whole of Dobong-gu.
⟨ Ancient Nova ⟩
And from the magic circle, dozens upon dozens of beams of light came pouring down, skewering clean through the dragon.
Acknowledged...
Squeak-ssi's status as a Transcendent: officially acknowledged. Have an upvote.