It Wasn't a Joke
"No. Sleep with me. Once the semester starts, I don't even know when I'll be able to come back."
But Jia wouldn't let me go downstairs. Her arms stayed locked around me, and I had no choice but to lie back down beside her.
I looked at her face again, as if seeing it for the first time, and she was the very image of my wife in her youth. The breasts she'd told me, over and over, had grown so large pressed softly against me. The smooth skin of her legs felt so good it raised goosebumps, and beneath the sweet scent of shampoo a faint, pleasant fragrance stirred something strange in my head.
Little by little. Only a little at a time. I felt my lower body growing harder.
I tried to resist, but somehow no other thought would come. By now it was fully hard, past any hope of hiding, and as if I simply couldn't help it I was pressing against Jia's thigh. She stayed exactly as she was, as though nothing were wrong. I did my best to wear the same unbothered face.
"A dad's still a man, huh."
"I'm just going to go downstairs and sleep."
"Come on, I don't care about that, Dad."
"Even if you don't care..."
I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Why was Jia so calm? It wouldn't have been strange if she'd recoiled in disgust and shoved me off her that very second.
"If anything, I was disappointed last time. I thought I had at least some appeal as a woman. We were stuck together on a bed this narrow, and not once did it ever happen like this."
"Jia. You and I are father and daughter. What kind of nonsense is that?"
"It's just a physiological reaction, isn't it? You haven't seen Mom, you haven't seen any other woman, you've lived alone for over a year. Hold a young woman who's only just come of age like this and... unless something's wrong with one of you, this is the natural result."
"Before man and woman, you and I are father and daughter."
"Why are you getting angry, Dad? Say what you want—you're the one with the erection."
She wasn't wrong. I was the one doing something filthy. Who was I raising my voice at?
"Anyway, that's why I'm going downstairs to sleep. I'm sorry, Jia. Forget what happened today."
Come tomorrow, I knew I'd carve this night into my bones and regret it. Even so, I had to get through today as fast as I could.
"I said no, Dad. Why do you keep trying to abandon your daughter?"
"Jia. Come on."
"Dad. I'll say it again. I don't care."
Under the blanket, Jia tapped the part of me that was jutting out.
"You don't have to make it so complicated. Like you said, I'm not even your biological daughter. Biologically, there's nothing strange about this happening, is there? We can both just not make a big deal of it and move on."
"What are you—"
"If you overreact like that, I'm the one who gets embarrassed. Dad. Don't tell me you got excited looking at my body?"
For a second my breath caught, as if I'd been struck. And once I thought about it, it was only too obvious. If I'd truly had nothing on my mind, the way she said, I wouldn't have been so desperate to run.
"...That can't be."
After a brief silence, I said it while holding my breath.
"Then let's just sleep like this, Dad."
Jia said it with the same daughter's face she always wore. I had nothing left to argue, so I nodded without a word.
But sleep wouldn't come. Maybe that was only natural. The moment I became aware of it, it only got worse, as if I were sinking into a bog.
The daughter's face I'd looked at so many times resembled my wife. And the daughter's body I'd held so many times had filled out until it lacked nothing as an attractive woman's. When had she grown this much? I'd felt it before, but never as strongly as tonight had I felt that she was an adult.
I dropped my gaze. There, because of her loose clothes, was the cleft of my daughter's breasts, laid bare. I lowered the hand that had been holding her, just a little, and then—only faintly—I felt Jia's hip. Startled, I shifted back into a natural embrace. My hand was shaking.
The sex I'd been forcing down was now so hard I couldn't hide the erection. By now it should have gone soft, but there wasn't the slightest sign of it easing. Jia watched my face with a smile.
"Are you really uncomfortable, Dad?"
"No... it's not that."
What was I supposed to do? What could I say to get out of this? I couldn't find it.
"You look uncomfortable, though."
Jia took my hand.
"Dad."
"Yeah...?"
"Do you want to touch my body?"
"What are you saying. Jia, you've been—"
"But... you keep looking at my chest, Dad. And your hand keeps ending up somewhere it shouldn't."
My breath stopped dead. Of course she knew. Of course she couldn't have missed it. A father openly molesting his own daughter—despair washed over me, the kind that made me want to die on the spot. Being drunk wasn't an excuse that could carry this.
Should I apologize? No. That would be even stranger. My life was over. I had no right to go on living as Jia's father.
"Dad."
"...What is it."
And yet, whatever it was that pleased her so much, Jia wouldn't stop smiling. If she'd despised me—if she'd turned those sickened eyes on me and driven me out from under the blanket—I would have counted that a mercy. Why was she smiling at a moment like this?
"Those condoms we bought earlier... want to just use them?"
"Huh...?"
As she said it, she stroked, through my pants, the part of me that had been blatantly hard for a while. It wasn't difficult to tell that what was touching me was Jia's hand. A pleasure unlike anything I'd felt until now flashed through my head.
"Just like you're interested in women, it's not as if I'm not interested in men..."
"What are you talking about."
My head couldn't process the words, and yet I understood the meaning all at once—and with it, the meaning of the smile I'd been feeling from her all this time. No. That couldn't be.
"You really don't know? What I meant."
"..."
I looked openly at the cleft of Jia's breasts. This time she was watching that gaze, clear and unmistakable. She caught my lost hand and drew it toward her chest. I didn't even resist. I followed her hand and touched her breast. At the tip, through the cloth, I could feel a nipple hard enough to know it was there. With her other hand, Jia kneaded the cock at my groin. Under a slight pressure I felt it swell all the way to its limit. I stared at her without a word.
"Pfft..."
Then Jia burst out laughing, and right away she put on a mischievous smile.
"It's a joke, Dad. Why are you looking at me so seriously?"
"Huh...?"
I stared at her, dumbstruck. She looked back at me the way she usually did, full of mischief.
"I was just messing with you. I was curious whether you could even get excited with me."
"R...right?"
"Right? What did you take your own daughter for? You're really fun to tease, Dad. The way you jumped at the convenience store earlier, too. Anyone watching would think you were a teenager, not a grown man."
I couldn't keep up with her at all. I just froze. How was I supposed to answer? This was the obvious turn of things, and yet I couldn't think of a single thing to say.
When I stayed like that for a moment, Jia looked down at herself.
"You've been kneading for quite a while. Are you pretending not to notice on purpose?"
I snatched my hand off her breast.
"S...sorry, Jia."
"It's fine. It's not like my chest wears out. I don't really care if you grope it."
As she said it, she stretched both arms over her head. She let out a long groan as she stretched, then slipped back under the blanket with a pleased smile, as if she finally felt easier.
"Haa. Anyway, let's sleep soon, Dad. Thank you, really, for today. I showed up out of nowhere and dumped a lot of heavy talk on you."
The mood was finally turning toward sleep. Thank God. I felt cold sweat running down my back. One way or another, it seemed this day was going to end like this. Jia's joke had gone a little too far, but if I let today pass with a reasonable amount of pretending not to notice, nothing would change.
"No. You had a hard time too, Jia. I'm sorry. Every time you come, it feels like all I do is feed you and send you home."
"It's fine. I'll be in college and coming over a lot from now on. If you make a huge fuss every time, I'll be the one who feels burdened."
"If that's how you feel, I'm grateful."
That was enough. If I just slept and woke up, it would all be over. The sickening feeling of having been sexually aroused by my own daughter would be cleanly forgotten once today passed. I was thinking that as I closed my eyes.
"Dad."
Like a murmur to herself—quiet, but loud enough to reach my ear—Jia spoke.
I wanted to ask her again and again what that meant. But when I turned, Jia was already asleep. Whether she was pretending or truly asleep, I couldn't tell. Either way, I decided I must have misheard, and I erased the memory of that voice from my head. Strangely, though, the erection wouldn't ease no matter how much time passed, and it took me a very long while to fall asleep.