Chapter 16
That suffocating feeling rushed back into my chest, heavy and inescapable.
I honestly had no idea where I was even supposed to begin speaking.
What, at the very core, were Jia’s true intentions in all of this?
Did she genuinely harbor a quiet desire for her mother and me to reconcile and rebuild our shattered marriage?
Or was it simply that she felt a profound disgust seeing me drag myself through life in such a pathetic, utterly aimless fashion?
In truth, it was entirely possible that both reasons were weighing on her mind at the exact same time.
"Jia, there’s no reason on earth for you to feel sorry about any of this. Every single bit of the blame rests on my shoulders. I'm truly sorry... I was far too irresponsible for just packing up and abandoning you like that."
"...I didn't mean it in that way, Dad. My own emotions just suddenly got the better of me back there. The person who suffered the most painful heartbreak in all of this was undoubtedly you, Dad, and you were placed in a horrific situation where staying married was simply impossible to endure. It's just..., even though I tried my best not to dwell on it, I guess a lot of quiet resentment had unconsciously piled up inside me over time."
"I am truly, deeply sorry..."
To claim that resentment hadn't accumulated would have been an utter lie.
Even though I was a grown man nearing my eighties, I had been so terrified of confronting the harsh, agonizing reality that I had turned around and fled from it the very first chance I got.
Meanwhile, Jia was only twenty years old this year, forced to watch the real-time collapse and total destruction of her once-harmonious family.
She had been dragged right into the middle of the adults' mess, forced to shoulder every ounce of that unbearable emotional burden all by herself.
I had been fully aware of that crushing weight, yet I had deliberately turned a blind eye to it.
I had desperately tried to convince myself that everything was somehow being sorted out smoothly beyond my line of sight.
I had fed myself the comforting lie that because Jia was so mature and resilient, she wouldn't be overly stressed or hurt by such a grim reality.
That was the convenient fantasy I had hidden behind.
Because if I didn't frame it that way, I would have no choice but to face the pathetic truth that I was nothing more than a coward who had run away.
"Your mother... is it really true that she does nothing but drink all day?"
Though I knew it would inevitably ruin the mood we had just managed to settle, I simply couldn't refrain from asking the one question that had been gnawing at me.
Jia seemed slightly caught off guard by my sudden query, hesitating for a brief moment before offering a reluctant, quiet reply.
"...Yes. I might have exaggerated just a tiny bit earlier..., but it's essentially the truth."
"Why didn't you ever mention this to me before?"
"Mom repeatedly pleaded with me never to speak a word about her private life to you, Dad."
"Last time, you told me she was actively seeing another man."
"That was..., well, I only said that back then because I naively thought that framing it like that might spark a little bit of jealousy in you, Dad."
So that was how it had played out.
A profound realization washed over me as I realized just how much agonizing thought and complicated planning Jia must have wrestled with from her perspective.
"Jia, do you... do you truly wish for your dad to get back together with your mother?"
"...To be completely honest, I don't really know either."
Jia offered her answer in a quiet, uncertain tone that lacked any real conviction.
And frankly, her confusion was entirely natural.
When I myself couldn't even make sense of this tangled mess, how could I possibly expect a young girl like her to have a clear answer?
I needed to pull myself together.
The topic we were touching upon right now wasn't the essential matter I needed to communicate to her.
"I'm so sorry, Jia. No matter how many times I turn it over in my head, I feel like I've left you behind in an utterly irresponsible manner.
To be completely transparent with you, I don't have the slightest idea what the right path forward is either.
While our names are officially linked as father and daughter on the family registry, the stark truth remains that your real biological father is a completely different man."
I finally voiced the heavy, unspoken thoughts that I had kept buried deep within the recesses of my heart.
These were the raw, honest feelings that I had contemplated dozens of times, yet had never possessed the courage to lay bare until this moment.
Though I couldn't be entirely certain if these words represented my absolute truth, I felt an overwhelming obligation to lay out everything I could possibly say to her.
"I loved your mother with every fiber of my being. And because my love for her was so immeasurably vast, the sense of betrayal I felt when everything unraveled was equally devastating. If only she had come clean and told me the truth herself from the very beginning, perhaps... perhaps I might have found a way to swallow it and keep living together. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I know in my heart that we can never return to the way things used to be.
Your mother understands that painful reality just as clearly as I do, which is precisely why she hasn't made a single attempt to contact me."
"If you happen to find a good opportunity later on, please pass a message to your mother for me. Tell her that I'm worried about her, so she needs to take care of her health and stop harming herself with alcohol. Tell her to find a fun hobby she can enjoy and try her best to live happily."
Even as those words left my mouth, I felt an intense lack of confidence in my own voice.
It was a deeply hypocritical emotion—claiming to have washed my hands of her, while simultaneously praying that she wouldn't fall ill or suffer.
Yet, as Jia quietly listened to the entirety of my rambling confession, a faint, gentle smile slowly spread across her lips.
"You're giving me an exceptionally difficult errand to run, Dad."
"I'm sorry. I really have no shame asking that of you."
"No, please don't say that. Even so, I'm genuinely grateful that you shared your honest feelings with me, Dad."
Jia raised both of her arms high above her shoulders, letting out a long, luxurious stretch to work out the stiffness in her body.
The expression that flickered across her face looked noticeably lighter and far more relaxed than the tense, heavy demeanor she had carried up until a moment ago.
Though I hadn't offered her a clean, definitive answer to our family's tragedy, seeing her mood visibly lift brought a profound sense of relief to my chest.
How much time slipped by after that?
Just as another quiet stretch of silence began to settle comfortably between the two of us, I turned my eyes toward her.
"Shall we try to get some sleep now, Jia?"
"Yes."
As if she had been waiting for those exact words all along, Jia immediately shifted her posture, rolling onto her side on the bedding to turn her body directly toward me.
With her dark eyes staring intently at my face, I felt a sudden, awkward bashfulness at her unwavering gaze, opting to pretend to look up at the ceiling instead of meeting her eyes directly.
"Dad, wouldn't you please look back at me too?"
Though her focused gaze made me feel somewhat self-conscious, it certainly wasn't a difficult favor to grant her.
I shifted my position, turning onto my side so that I was facing her directly.
The moment my eyes met hers, Jia wasted no time in scooting closer, wrapping her slender arms snugly around my torso.
Feeling her arms sliding neatly between my sides and her warm body pressing firmly against my chest, a sudden wave of flustered confusion washed over me as I looked down at her.
"What are you doing all of a sudden, Jia?"
"I'm sorry, Dad. Even though I had my reasons, raising my voice at you so suddenly earlier... it must have really startled and caught you off guard, right?"
"You had every right in the world to react like that..., honestly, the fact that you managed to bottle up all those feelings until now is what's truly amazing."
"Fufu, so as a proper token of my apology, I'm going to give you a big hug, Dad."
Though receiving a physical embrace as an apology struck me as a somewhat peculiar turn of events, having my own daughter hold me certainly wasn't something I disliked.
Perhaps because she had taken a fresh shower just a short while ago, a delicate, sweet fragrance wafted softly from her skin.
On top of that—though it was a detail I couldn't bring myself to explicitly put into words—the subtle, soft sensation pressing against the front of my chest served as an unmistakable reminder that Jia was no longer just a child.
...Was it simply because the alcohol was clouding my judgment?
Normally, I would have never allowed myself to consciously register such physical details.
Regardless, it was merely an inescapable reality of her fully developed, adult body.
"Since I gave you a hug, you have to stroke my hair now, Dad. Just like you used to do when I was little."
Without offering a verbal reply, I reached out my hand and gently stroked her soft, fine hair.
A silky, incredibly smooth texture brushed against my fingertips.
Even though she had used the exact same shampoo from my bathroom, her hair gave off a delightfully sweet, pleasant aroma that felt subtly different from my own.
Looking at her from this close distance, the realization hit me with striking clarity.
She looked so breathtakingly identical to Jung Yuna in her youth.
Aside from her eyes being slightly rounder and her face being a fraction smaller, her features were virtually indistinguishable from the image of Yuna when she was twenty years old.
Not that Yuna had grown particularly old yet, mind you.
If the two of them were to walk down the street together side by side in casual clothing right now, strangers would almost certainly mistake them for sisters rather than a mother and daughter.
The bittersweet realization that I would never be able to witness such a sight brought a sharp, stinging ache to my chest.
"Honestly, Jia, you really do look like a complete carbon copy of your mother when she was young."
"If Mom heard you say that out loud, she'd probably be furious, insisting that she hasn't grown old at all yet."
"Well..., while it's true she isn't at an age where she can be considered old as a woman, she certainly isn't at an age where she can claim to be young anymore either."
"Doesn't that exact same logic apply to you as well, Dad?"
"Which is precisely why your dad doesn't go around pretending to be young."
"Is that so? But at the convenience store earlier, you looked absolutely thrilled when I called you 'Oppa.'"
"Thrilled? Who on earth was thrilled?! No, seriously."
The vivid memory of that horrific ordeal rushed back into my head.
...I genuinely had no earthly idea how I was ever going to build up the courage to step foot inside that convenience store ever again.
After all, the part-time worker behind the counter undoubtedly had my face permanently seared into their memory.
I was now officially branded in their eyes as a creepy middle-aged man who bought condoms while being called 'Oppa' by a girl young enough to be his daughter—or, at best, his niece.
"I guess whenever I drink alcohol, the filter on my mouth completely vanishes. Why do I feel so unusually lighthearted and good right now?"
"Your dad can pretty much guess why. Jia, listen to me carefully: from this day forward, you are strictly forbidden from drinking alcohol ever again, understood?"
"Eyy, why? I had no idea alcohol was such a wonderful, mood-boosting drink. When I tried drinking it with my friends last time, it just tasted bitter and unpleasant."
"Enough of that. Above all else, you must never, ever drink in front of other men. Unless it's someone you can truly trust with your life... actually, scratch that. Just never drink in front of any man, period."
Seeing how completely uninhibited and filterless her speech became in front of her own father, I didn't even want to imagine what horrifying scenarios might unfold if she were to drink around some close male friend.
"Why? Does the thought of me drinking with another guy make you uncomfortable, Dad? If I ever brought a boyfriend home to meet you, you'd probably faint right on the spot, wouldn't you?"
"Just look at how you're behaving today! If you're blurting out every single random thought without filtering your words even in front of your own father, what on earth are you going to do if you happen to cross paths with some bad guy with ulterior motives?"
"I'll have you know that I'm completely capable of exercising restraint when I'm around people who require it! It's just that today, I happened to be drinking with you, Dad, and you're a man I can trust completely. Plus, we had to discuss some very heavy topics, so I wanted to loosen up the stiff atmosphere a bit, and well..."
Jia paused mid-sentence, pausing briefly to gather her thoughts, before turning her gaze back toward me with a bright, beautiful smile.
"Because you always treat me like a helpless little child and view me as some delicate flower raised in a greenhouse, Dad.
I really wanted to show you that I've grown into a proper adult now."
"Even if you don't go out of your way to say such things, your dad already knows you're an adult, Jia."
"Is that so? Even though you've never treated me like a real adult even once?"
"That was all just playful teasing. In your dad's eyes, it's just that you grew up far too quickly, and I was simply flustered and caught off guard by how fast time passed."
"That's true, Dad. I really have grown up a lot. In fact, my chest is even bigger than Mom's now."
"...I told you repeatedly not to say things like that in front of your father."
As Jia uttered those bold words, she pressed her body even closer against mine.
Her claim that her figure surpassed Yuna's was by no means an empty boast. Just as I had noticed earlier, the distinct, soft curves of her developed body were pressing unmistakably against me.
Why was this happening?
I couldn't fathom the reason for the life of me, but in that quiet moment, I involuntarily began to harbor a heightened physical awareness of Jia's body.
A face and form so strikingly reminiscent of Yuna.
Was it because my physical body had spent its entire adult life holding only one specific woman?
Was it because I had suddenly become conscious of that uncanny physical resemblance in an instant?
Or was it because I had deliberately tried to avert my eyes from reality for so long?
Could it perhaps be traced back to the provocative, half-joking sexual teases Jia had been tossing out so casually?
Whatever the underlying trigger was, a bizarre, deeply unsettling sensation took hold of me—a realization that I could no longer look upon my own daughter's body with pure, innocent fatherly eyes.
The sudden intrusion of such an unthinkable thought plunged my mind into utter, chaotic confusion, leaving me lying completely rigid against the bedding.
For whatever reason, Jia tightened her wrap around my torso, pulling her body even closer to mine.
"I get it now, so please let go of me, Jia."
An instinctual alarm bell rang in my head, signaling that the situation was turning incredibly dangerous.
Feeling such an appalling emotion filled me with intense self-loathing, making me feel like an utter piece of human garbage, but what terrified me far more was the horrific possibility of Jia noticing my internal reaction.
"Why? Do you dislike hugging me, Dad?"
"It's not that I dislike it, but holding each other like this continuously gets uncomfortable, doesn't it?"
Jia's smooth thigh had subtly slid between my legs, her skin tangling against my calf.
And the very instant that physical contact brushed against me, an event that should have never, under any circumstances, occurred between my thighs began to take place.
It was an occurrence far too vulgar and repulsive to simply brush off as an involuntary physiological reaction.
An absolute, unforgivable taboo that a father should never display in front of his own daughter.
"...You have an erection, Dad?"
"What?"
In that frozen fraction of a second, words that should have never been spoken escaped from Jia's lips.
Direct, undeniable sexual language.
Up until a moment ago, it could have been dismissed as harmless banter, but now, it crossed a line that should never have been breached.
My expression hardened completely as I spoke to her in a low, dead-serious tone.
"...What on earth are you talking about, Jia? It's fine to joke around, but no matter how relaxed we are, you shouldn't say such outrageous things to your father."
"Isn't it a bit rich for you to say that to me when you're the one who got hard first, Dad?"
"What has gotten into you all of a sudden?!"
Jia let out a soft, melodic giggle, looking up at me with a playful glint in her eyes.
"I wonder, Dad. I guess my head is feeling a little strange right now. Must be because I'm drunk."
"Even if you're drunk, there are lines you simply cannot cross! No matter what!"
"I'm sorry. I guess all the teasing I was doing earlier just stuck to my tongue."
A bone-chilling sensation ran down my spine.
Had my own mind completely lost its sanity as well?
Even as I was scolding Jia with a stern voice, I was inwardly far more horrified and shocked by the sudden, betraying transformation taking place within my own body.
No matter how messed up things were, how could my body possibly react like this toward my own daughter?
Carefully reading Jia's expression, I cautiously began to wriggle my way out from under the heavy duvet.
"I'll go sleep down on the floor, Jia."
"Why? There's absolutely no reason we can't just sleep together on the bed."
"Your dad is just really uncomfortable right now. My lower back is aching terribly, and... ugh."
It was, of course, a complete lie.
And Jia undoubtedly saw right through the true motive behind my words.
Yet, despite knowing how transparent I was being, I couldn't bring myself to remain in that bed for another second.
Something was fundamentally wrong with my physical body.
To be frank, it wasn't as if I lacked a normal sex drive, and considering I hadn't been with a woman for nearly a full year, experiencing physiological reactions was an unavoidable reality of being human.
But even so, this was in front of my own daughter.
"I don't want to. Sleep here with me. Once my university classes start, I have no idea when I'll even be able to come visit you again."