A Morning Meant to Be Forgotten
When I opened my eyes that morning, Jia, to my surprise, was already up.
Water was running somewhere in the apartment, and from the sound of it she was washing. It was vacation, and the fact that she had gotten up before me left me faintly startled. I checked my phone. It was already eight.
My body ached in a dull, creeping way, and my head was fogged—some of last night's drinking had clearly followed me into the morning. Damn this body. How much had I even had, for a hangover to come on like this?
Still, with my daughter in the house, I couldn't lie there playing the invalid. I got out of bed at once.
"Oh—Dad, you're up?"
"Yeah. You're up early too, Jia."
"I am. For some reason my eyes just opened early today. Maybe because I went to bed early last night."
"You should've woken me. I didn't think I'd sleep this long."
"I know. You fell asleep before I did, but you got up later."
"You seem fine, though. You drank last night. You all right?"
"Um... I don't know. I'm not sure. I feel a little dizzy, I think, but even so..."
"Well, considering your mother."
Yuna was like that, and so was Jia. It stung my pride in a way I hadn't expected. I didn't exactly think holding one's liquor was some great virtue, but it grated on me all the same—the strange little scratch of having drunk the same amount and being the only one who suffered for it.
Leaving Jia's voice behind me in the bathroom, I started putting away the things scattered around the room. I'd tidied in a rush the night before, but if I didn't do it properly now, it would only be a nuisance later. A studio apartment turned filthy in no time if you didn't keep it scrupulously clean.
Before long Jia came out of the bathroom, a towel draped over her head, her hair still wet.
"I'm all done, Dad. You should go wash up too."
"Yeah, all right."
"Aigoo, I should've helped you clean. You've already done it all."
"You're a guest, Jia. Of course I should be the one cleaning."
"Still, I'm your daughter. I ought to help when you clean."
"Well, that's..."
As she said it, she came closer. The moment her freshly washed face drew near, I found myself looking away from her without meaning to. I wondered why I was acting like this, but Jia didn't seem to find it strange. She simply helped me finish.
We gathered the trash into a bag and tied it off, then went over the floor once with wet wipes. And all the while, without quite realizing it, I couldn't take my eyes off her body.
"Dad."
"What is it, Jia?"
"I really don't think I should drink. Not ever."
Her face, as she said it, was flushed in a strange way.
"Why? You said you felt fine. Are you actually feeling awful?"
"No... the hangover's all right. It's just... the way I get when I drink."
She couldn't quite meet my eyes, as if she were ashamed.
"I said way too many weird things to you last night."
I understood at once what she meant. Of course I did. The Jia I knew would never have said those things sober, and she must have been feeling something close to what I felt now, avoiding her eyes.
"...It's fine. You were cute."
"I don't think that's something you can just wave off like that..."
"What does it matter? To me you're just my daughter being cute. That's all I feel."
"...Really?"
"I was a little thrown, I'll admit. I thought you didn't know anything about that sort of thing."
I truly hadn't imagined she would ever talk like that.
"Dad, stop. I'm dying of embarrassment. I mean... when I'm with my friends I do joke around like that a lot, but even so, to do it to you... I must have been out of my mind. I really must have."
"It's all right. I'll forget yesterday. I'll wipe it out of my memory."
"You say that, and then you'll tease me about it later..."
"Would I really tease you over something like that?"
Yes. This was the normal reaction. The sensible one. I did think that habit of hers—saying things like that so casually when she was drunk—absolutely had to be fixed. But ahead of that thought came disgust at myself. I really have lost my mind. Feeling that way about my daughter over a little bit of teasing.
"For real? You can forget what happened yesterday?"
"Of course. But you have to fix that habit. A girl shouldn't go around saying things like that so carelessly. It's only all right because I'm your dad—you can't do that with other boys, and you shouldn't with your friends either. It makes a woman look cheap."
"That was just for a little while, back in middle school... God... this is so embarrassing..."
Jia covered her face with both hands and sank down onto the floor.
"Dad. You promise? You'll really erase yesterday from your memory, no matter what. And you will never, ever bring it up again."
"All right, all right. Anyway, hurry up and get ready to go, Jia. You hungry? I'll wash up quick and come out, and we can at least get breakfast. We should eat something for this hangover."
"Okay, Dad."
She agreed the instant I said it, and something about the response felt slightly unnatural. I told myself she only wanted to forget as quickly as I did, and I didn't think much of it.
I was brushing my teeth when, through the bathroom mirror and the open door, I saw her changing in real time. Off came the short-sleeved shirt of mine she always wore in place of pajamas when she stayed over. On went the bra she had taken off the night before. Piece by piece, she was turning back into the girl who had arrived in those clothes. I stared, blank, not even conscious that I was watching, until my breath caught hard in my throat and I slammed the bathroom door shut at once.
"Well then, Dad. I'm heading back. Thanks for seeing me off."
"Yeah. Get home safe. Let me know when you arrive."
"Calling's a pain, though. Can't I just text?"
"Sure, I don't mind."
"I'm kidding. Honestly. Don't you even want to hear your daughter's voice? I'll call."
"Just do whatever's easiest for you."
She had been cowed earlier, but now she looked cheerful, as if she had truly forgotten yesterday.
"Dad, before I go, give me one last hug."
"...Here?"
"What's wrong with a dad and his daughter hugging? We did it just fine in front of the movie theater yesterday."
"All right."
I held her one last time. The moment I did, a definite fullness pressed firm against my chest, and though she must have used the same shampoo as I had, her scent was entirely different. I spent that moment thinking of nothing at all.
"I'm really going now, Dad. I'll see you again. Once I start college I'll come visit all the time, so don't worry too much."
"All right, all right. But next time, please, call before you show up."
"Honestly, there you go nagging again. I get it, Dad. Don't you trust your own daughter?"
"You've never once contacted me before coming over."
"It'll be different from now on. Anyway, I'm really going."
I tried desperately to talk the way I always did. Only then did Jia leave for the subway.
No matter how often she visited, the sight of my daughter walking away always hurt. This time, the moment I saw her go, what rose in me was finally—and the instant she disappeared I turned and hurried home as if I were running.
The moment I got inside, I felt as if the world were caving in. I thought I was going to lose my mind. What kind of feelings was I having toward my daughter over a little drunk teasing? I wanted to walk into a police station that very moment and turn myself in.
I had wrenched my eyes away with everything I had, but it was already too late. I was unmistakably hard.
There were excuses, if I wanted them. I had never been the sort to enjoy pornography in the first place. I'd gone at it eagerly enough in middle and high school, but from the time I met Yuna in high school I had neither reason nor inclination, and after the divorce my pride had not let me look at a single frame. In much the same way, I had never wanted to hold another woman.
That didn't mean I had no desire. If I hadn't, I never would have made that mistake back in high school in the first place. Maybe that was why. When I saw Jia's face last night—drunk, of all times, and with her pulling that strange bit of teasing, of all things. The sight of her, tipsy, coming at me with dirty jokes, had been so exactly the Yuna I remembered from high school that my body had simply gone there on its own.
I thought I was going to lose my mind. Last night hadn't only been talk like that. Far more important, far more serious things had passed between us. And still the only thing rising in my head was this.
Even so, I was truly fortunate. That really had been all of it. Nothing serious had happened. Jia clearly understood last night as a mistake she had made while drunk, and if I could only get my own heart in order, yesterday would end as an accident known to no one but me.
No matter what, there could never be another night of drinking with Jia. And even if I had to force it, she would sleep in the bed and I would sleep on the floor. If she threw a fit and refused, I would scold her into it—or if it came to that, spend the money and take us to a motel with two beds. If I told her I was too tired, that sleeping side by side made me uncomfortable, she would have no choice but to give in.
Nothing serious had happened. Nothing was wrong.
Just as Jia had asked to forget last night, I would wipe every last trace of it from my mind.