018. What I Want from You
018. What I Want from You
The promised night arrived.
After eating a late dinner and clearing the table, I sat facing Yeonju once again.
Only two cups of coffee were placed on the dining table.
I didn't bring out any alcohol.
If I brought this story up while leaning on the influence of alcohol again, neither I nor Yeonju would be able to know what was truly sincere.
"...."
Yeonju raised her cup and took a sip of coffee.
I followed suit and took a sip as well.
...Bitter.
The coffee I usually drank without issue tasted exceptionally bitter today.
We silently watched each other's reactions without saying a word.
Yeonju fiddled with the plastic cup while pretending to be nonchalant.
I only scraped at a small stain on the table with my fingernail.
...It was obvious who had to open their mouth first.
Because the one who dodged the answer during the day was me.
"...Yeonju-ya."
When I finally spoke first, Yeonju twirled her hair around her finger and looked at me.
"I've thought about it."
"Yeah."
"...There's nothing in particular I want from you."
Yeonju's eyebrows twitched slightly.
"Nothing?"
"Yeah."
"...Really nothing?"
My mouth was completely dry.
I licked my dry lips once with my tongue.
Avoiding her gaze, I barely continued speaking.
"...I don't particularly want anything, just stay here without going anywhere."
"......."
Yeonju put down her cup.
Tak.
The sound, which wasn't even loud, echoed with bizarre clarity.
"What do you mean by not going anywhere?"
"It means exactly what it sounds like."
"Do you mean for me not to go outside as much as possible?"
"...."
"Do you mean to keep living together?"
"...."
Yeonju's eyes narrowed.
"Or."
After pausing for a moment.
"To stay by your side for the rest of my life? ...Is that what you want?"
I looked at the ceiling.
...Just what and how should I answer to look like less of a crazy bastard?
Was there even such a way?
After staring only at the ceiling for a long time.
I took a long, deep breath in.
"...All three."
Yeonju blinked twice.
"...What?"
"I'm saying it's all three."
This time, Yeonju was lost for words.
Her pupils shook restlessly.
She examined my face, looked down at the table.
And looked at me again.
"...That."
Yeonju, who had been parting her lips, asked cautiously.
"...Does it really mean what I think it means?"
"What meaning are you thinking of?"
At my absurd answer, Yeonju's expression crumpled slightly.
"A man telling a woman not to go anywhere and to stay by his side."
So that I couldn't run away.
She spat out each word distinctly.
"Could there possibly be another meaning besides the one I'm thinking of?"
"...We're not a man and a woman, we're brother and sister."
It was a lame excuse.
Yeonju must have thought so too, as she let out a short, hollow laugh.
"...Why would you say such things between siblings?"
"...."
"What we did wasn't something siblings do either."
Jalgeun-jalgeun.
Chewing up every loophole I could escape through, she thoroughly blocked them all.
She was right.
It wasn't something to say between siblings.
It wasn't something to do between siblings either.
Even while admitting it all on the inside.
With my mouth, I couldn't make any reply.
I licked my dry lips again.
"...I."
My voice cracked.
I cleared my throat once, and this time, I looked straight into Yeonju's eyes.
"Ever since I was discharged from the military, I've only done trading at home, right?"
"Yeah."
"Not meeting people. Cutting off contact with friends. I just lived looking at charts."
"...."
"Then I blew all my money. ...Somehow I made it back and ended up like this, though."
A bitter smile escaped me.
When I blew 700 million won, the first people who came to mind were our parents, but
"...honestly, I think I was so lonely."
Because in the end, the only person I could expose my desolation in front of was my younger sister.
Having blurted it out of my mouth.
They were far more pathetic words than I had thought.
Yeonju didn't scoff.
She merely lowered her eyes slightly and waited for what I would say next.
"There probably isn't anyone who would accept a person like me."
"...."
"Like you said, there won't be any woman who feels attraction toward me either."
"When did I ever go that far?"
"You said something similar. That a guy this age being single his entire life is defective goods."
"...When did I?"
"...You said something along those lines."
...Was this a conversation we had in an erased loop?
A hollow laugh leaked out.
Did things get this tangled up after just regressing a few times?
Both memories and relationships.
"Anyway, even if a woman approaches me in the future, she'd ultimately just be after my money."
"...."
"...And I don't think I could genuinely like a person like that either."
At my words laced with profound desolation, Yeonju's gaze wavered slightly.
Then she stood up from her seat,
and once again moved from across the table to the seat next to me.
Pulling her chair while seated, she sat so close that our shoulders almost touched.
"...Am I any different?"
Her voice, now closer, reached my ears.
"What?"
"I don't like oppa one bit either. ...What makes me different that you're only acting like this toward me?"
They were calm words.
However.
The moment I heard those words, the center of my chest throbbed ever so slightly.
"...Do I look easy?"
"It's not that."
"Then why me?"
Yeonju tilted her head slightly.
She didn't scoff.
Nor was she angry.
A face showing she genuinely didn't understand.
To that question.
I kept my mouth shut for a long time.
Why Yeonju?
Because she's the condition for regression.
Because she's the key to recovering my money.
Because she's family.
Because no matter what I do, it feels like she won't ever completely abandon me in the end.
...No.
"You, at the very least."
After wandering around inside my head for a long time.
I barely managed to speak.
"...I felt like I could take responsibility for you."
Yeonju blinked.
...Even if you don't like me,
for what it's worth as family, when your assets got cut in half, the one you came to first was me.
For what it's worth as siblings, when I confessed I was penniless, even though you lost money too, you got drunk together with me.
In the end, you and I are both lonely people.
...Even without being particularly close, when it comes down to it, a pitiful brother and sister who have nowhere else to confide their worries except each other.
"What do you mean?"
"Just... recovering the money you lost, helping you out when you were struggling because of the stalker."
"...."
"...It felt like I wasn't just a complete nobody."
The words tumbled out uncontrollably.
Whether this was a lie fabricated to continue the regressions.
Whether it was an act to hold onto Yeonju.
Or.
Whether it was what truly lay inside me.
Now, even I couldn't tell the difference.
"If I can take responsibility for just you,"
My lips moved on their own.
"it feels like value has been given to a person like me."
"...."
"...It, well, just didn't feel bad."
Yeonju gave no reply.
Silently, she looked at my face.
Her gaze was too close.
My face was reflected inside Yeonju's pupils.
Scared.
Pathetic.
A dumbass face desperately wanting to cling to something.
"...So."
Yeonju, who had been listening to my words for a long time,
asked again.
"What is it that you want from me?"
"...."
I kept my mouth shut.
Don't go anywhere.
Let's live together.
Stay by my side as much as possible.
If you combine those words into one.
Just what was it that I desired from Yeonju?
When I couldn't open my mouth.
Yeonju's hand moved.
Then,
she took my right hand that was hanging below the table.
"Hey, Lee Yeonju...."
She pulled my wrist.
And,
...she placed it on top of her breast.
Beyond a single thin sleeveless top.
Filling my entire palm.
A soft sensation touched it.
"...Is this it?"
My breath stopped.
I had to pull my hand away.
Freak out.
And push her away, telling her not to do crazy shit.
Yet I couldn't move a single finger.
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut.
I thought I wouldn't feel anything if I did that, but.
Rather, once my sight was blocked, the sensation touching my palm grew even more vivid.
Warm.
Soft.
Cozy.
Already once.
On that night which had turned into a time that never happened, what I licked and touched as if possessed.
My younger sister's breast.
"Why aren't you pushing me away?"
Yeonju's voice trembled.
"Shouldn't you freak out if your hand touches your younger sister's breast?"
"...."
"After practically half-confessing, are you feeling guilty now of all times?"
A subtle force entered Yeonju's hand resting on top of the back of my hand.
"If you're going to be like that,"
her voice grew a little smaller.
"...shouldn't you have felt guilty since last night?"
My head became jumbled and tangled.
Yeonju's voice.
The sensation felt through the sleeveless top.
The memory of kissing the nape of her neck last night.
And.
Nonexistent in this world.
Even the shape of that fair breast remaining only inside my memory.
"...Fuck."
I couldn't hold back.
I curled my fingers.
The breast that came into my palm.
I grabbed and squeezed it tightly just like that.
"Ah...."
Yeonju's shoulders flinched and trembled.
Her eyes widened.
As if she never expected I would actually do this.
I firmly grabbed the shoulders of that Yeonju.
"W-Wait."
Yeonju, startled out of her wits, pulled her head back.
However, I didn't stop either.
As much as Yeonju drew back.
I followed.
So close our foreheads almost touched.
Enough for each other's breaths to intermingle.
Yeonju's pupils shook frantically.
I must have been the same.
Even so.
"...If your life gets ruined,"
with a cracked voice,
I whispered right in front of Yeonju's lips.
"I'll take responsibility for it, so."
"...."
"You too,"
I swallowed my saliva.
My heart beat too intensely.
"...grant a favor to your oppa whose life got twisted up."
Yeonju looked at me for a long while.
She didn't ask what the favor was.
"...Why should I?"
"Because you're the only one I can take responsibility for."
"...."
Instead,
she very slowly closed her eyes.
"...."
The tension drained from her shoulders.
From the hand that had been holding my wrist as well.
From her entire body that was tensed as if to push me away as well.
Everything.
"...You know this is entirely oppa's fault, right?"
"...I know."
A small voice flowed out from between her lips.
Along with my answer,
I overlapped our lips.
"Mmh...."
At first, they merely touched.
I didn't know what to do.
Nor could I tell if it was okay to move further.
Just.
It was warm.
Breath faintly carrying the aroma of coffee.
Lips softly touching.
The fullness felt even through the sleeveless top.
Even Yeonju's shoulders trembling delicately, unable to withstand the shivering.
It was all so distinct.
Yeonju didn't push any of it away.
Yet she didn't embrace me back either.
With her eyes closed.
Like someone who dumped all the responsibility onto me.
Relaxed, she quietly yielded her lips.
I closed my eyes as well.
The first kiss shared while living for 28 years.
It must be the same for Yeonju.
...Since we're brother and sister who grew up similarly.
"...."
Our lips parted ever so slightly.
Yet neither opened their eyes first.
Only our breaths precariously brushed against each other.
Only after the sensation of being alive returned like that did I realize.
Tonight.
Even if we regress.
To write it off as something that never happened now,
it felt like we had come far too far.