017. What Do You Want from Me?
017. What Do You Want from Me?
I ran to the bathroom.
The moment I closed the door, I turned the faucet all the way up, cupped cold water in both hands, and scrubbed my face vigorously.
"Hoo...."
Water dripped down the tip of my chin.
Gripping the sink, I glared at myself in the mirror.
Whether because of a hangover, my eyes were bloodshot, my hair was disheveled all over, and on top of that,
even the bite mark Yeonju left on my collarbone remained clearly visible.
"...Haa."
I retraced what I had done last night, one by one.
I crept into the bed where Yeonju was sleeping.
Hugged her from behind, kissed the nape of her neck.
Even after sobering up, I held on to her forcefully.
I fell asleep while holding her tightly enough for our skin to touch.
And yet, I didn't regress.
It might be because I woke up briefly in between,
or regression itself might have a cooldown,
or maybe this was the end.
...Simply put, it meant I really had no clue.
"...Fuck, I don't know."
I took out my phone.
A little under 500,000 dollars was shown in my Hynance account.
Converted to Korean won, it was close to 700 million won.
I had recovered the principal from before I regressed.
Starting again from being dead broke, I restored up to the money I originally had.
However..., the human brain isn't wired that way.
"Haa...."
The relief of having won back my principal and the sense of loss from blowing over 6 billion at the peak tangled together in my head.
I didn't even know which side to think about.
Whether I was a person who made 700 million right now.
Or someone who lost 6 billion.
Or if maybe nothing had actually happened at all.
"...."
I checked the stock-tracking tokens traded even on weekends.
Naturally, the charts were dead.
The order book was thin, and prices barely moved.
Friday's chart was starkly different between this loop and the previous loop.
Even if I memorized something today on Saturday and went back one day, there was nothing to profit from.
Same for Sunday.
Only after watching the entire Monday market.
Only once it became Tuesday would regressing be worthwhile.
...Thinking strictly in terms of money, that is.
"...This is fucking screwed up."
Judging by money alone, regressing today didn't offer that high of a win rate.
However..., if I didn't regress.
Hugging Yeonju forcefully, kissing the nape of her neck multiple times, and sneaking a quick lick.
It meant that not letting her out of my embrace even after sobering up would be confirmed as an absolute reality.
"Haaaa...."
This time, a longer sigh escaped me.
I turned on the faucet again.
Splashing cold water on my face once more.
I rubbed vigorously enough to drench even my bangs.
I lifted my head.
After sweeping back my wet bangs with my hand.
I opened the bathroom door.
Yeonju was still lying on the bed.
Curled up to the spot I had slipped out of just a moment ago.
Pulling the blanket up to her chest.
She was sleeping quietly like someone who knew nothing.
"...."
Either way, there was nothing I could do today.
If I couldn't regress today, I was already a scumbag who had committed the deed.
If I could go back, whatever I did now would eventually vanish.
Since the charts weren't moving, there was nothing special to memorize.
...Then.
What more did I need to deliberate over?
"...Whatever."
In a half-despairing mindset, I lay back down on the bed.
Slipping under the covers, I wrapped my arm around Yeonju's waist.
As I pulled firmly, her soft body pressed into my arms.
To the point where her chest squished tightly against my chest.
I hugged her tightly enough that not a gap remained between us.
"...."
...It seemed my brain had rotted from handling a sum of money I should never have tasted.
From 700 million won to 2 million won.
From 2 million won to 20 million won.
From 20 million won back to 2.8 million won.
From 2.8 million won back up to 7 billion.
And then from 7 billion to 700 million.
...It would honestly be weirder if my brain were intact.
It's easy to say, but within a few days, I lost and gained money that an ordinary person could hardly ever touch in a lifetime.
Clicking and clacking away at those kinds of numbers with my fingers, morality and ethics had surely all been shoved behind those digits.
That's why, toward my sister's body...
It feels soft.
It feels squishy.
It feels tender.
...She smells nice.
I must have turned into a piece of shit who has such fucking retarded thoughts.
"...Ha."
I wanted to erase my thoughts.
Yet the more I tried to erase them, the more force entered my arms instead.
It was cozy.
Like hugging a giant cushion that perfectly fit my body.
Like my chilled innards were melting away, little by little.
"...Ugh."
Was it because I hugged her too tightly? Yeonju let out a small groan and tossed around.
Her eyelids fluttered, and slowly, her eyes opened.
"...."
Our eyes met.
I froze for a moment, merely blinking.
Yeonju was the same.
Rolling her eyes back and forth as if trying to recall what had happened until just a moment ago.
Realizing my arm was wrapped around her waist, her expression slowly crumpled.
"...Again?"
...I didn't know what to say.
That it was a mistake?
That I still hadn't sobered up?
That it was to regress?
Neither could be voiced aloud.
"...Let's sleep a bit more. I'm tired."
In the end, I muttered that,
and pressed the back of Yeonju's head with my palm.
Her face was buried deeply into my chest.
"Mmph... Hey."
Even if not for the money.
To erase last night, I had to regress today by all means.
To do that.
...Wouldn't it be better to just push forward in this direction entirely?
With the vibe of a pitiful and pathetic virgin-loser-otaku oppa who has never dated a girl in his entire life, so dreadfully lonely that he pathetically craves affection even from his younger sister.
If I went with that..., wouldn't I somehow be able to brush past today?
"...."
Even having thought it myself, it spontaneously struck me as fucking retarded.
Whether she had read her pathetic oppa's thoughts, Yeonju squirmed in my embrace, trying to break free.
Then she raised her head slightly and looked up at me.
Our gazes met once more.
"...Haa."
Yeonju let out a deep sigh.
And then, she ceased her resistance.
Burying her face in my arms.
She closed her eyes like someone acting out of sheer resignation.
"...."
I really don't know.
Not me.
Not her.
Just what the hell we were doing right now.
'If you're going to let me regress at night anyway.'
Closing my eyes.
I muttered quietly inside.
'...Can't you just roll it back early while we take a nap?'
...Naturally, neither Yeonju nor the guy called God who might be watching us from somewhere gave an answer.
Simply praying that this stroke of luck hadn't been the last one.
I closed my eyes once more while embracing Yeonju.
**
I opened my eyes.
Bright sunlight was spreading past the blinds.
"...."
I checked the date first and foremost.
July 18th, 12:11 PM.
...I didn't expect much this time anyway.
"...Dumbass bastard."
Muttering to myself, I pushed myself up.
Yeonju also opened her eyes late around the same time.
Neither of us asked what happened last night.
We washed up in turn, ordered delivery food like always,
and sat facing each other well past noon, eating a late breakfast as if nothing had happened.
"...By the way, oppa."
Yeonju, who was rummaging through the side dishes with her chopsticks, spoke casually.
"Isn't this place way too cramped?"
"Huh?"
"It's cramped for two people to live in. ...You don't have your own room either, oppa."
Yeonju looked back and forth between the room and the living room.
"You have plenty of money, don't you want to move somewhere bigger?"
"...."
Moving.
I had thought about it before.
However, whether the condition for regression included this place, this house,
or whether it didn't matter where we fell asleep had yet to be verified.
If I carelessly moved and couldn't regress, it'd be a total disaster, and even if I moved, if I needed to regress mid-way, I'd have to move back and forth multiple times.
...Rather than that, wouldn't it be better to just make several billion won and buy a nice house all at once?
"...Pfft."
Thinking that made a hollow chuckle leak out.
...Several billion, huh.
Did I mean 2 billion, or did I mean 9 billion?
My current assets were 700 million.
Even 1 billion is lottery jackpot-level, life-changing money for someone.
It was ridiculous how such a terrifying figure popped into my head so naturally.
...I've really gone crazy.
I had experienced the future getting distorted twice already.
I had just reconfirmed that I couldn't regress at will either.
Yet I was still thinking of several billion as money I could earn at any time.
"Why are you laughing?"
As I burst out laughing out of nowhere, a flustered Yeonju paused her chopsticks.
"Is suggesting we move that funny?"
"No. Not that."
"Then what."
"...It just doesn't feel real yet."
Yeonju narrowed her eyes.
"What doesn't."
"Just everything."
"Making a lot of money?"
...Since it was a feeling I couldn't explain anyway nor could she understand, I didn't answer, and Yeonju tilted her head slightly.
Then, wiping her lips with a tissue, she stared at me quietly, and,
"...Living with me?"
"...."
Words failed me.
...Come to think of it, I was the one who dragged her to my place by force in the first place.
I had personally half-forced and persuaded her to live at my place together if she was anxious about the stalker issue.
Yet over the past few days, I had been so distracted by regression, money, and... various other things that I hadn't even thought about that properly.
Now that I had brought her here, whether the stalker issue was resolved or her mental state recovered,
until Lee Yeonju personally said she was okay now and would go back, we had to keep living together.
...But you know.
"...."
Is that really a bad thing...?
Even if I regress, the future often changes.
That doesn't make the ability meaningless.
To regress anyway, I have to fall asleep with Yeonju every time.
Then..., shouldn't I just keep roughly our current relationship and live together?
Without relying entirely on future information, factoring in that it could be wrong at any time.
Trading by looking at the charts myself, like how I used to make money before.
Sleeping separately if I profit.
Sleeping together and going back if I lose.
Can't I just live like that?
After all, I even recovered my principal from dead broke.
Not only does the future not always get distorted, but I even reached 7 billion once.
If I have near-infinite retry opportunities,
what is there that I can't do?
Isn't it rather a blessing?
"...."
Lost in such thoughts, I stared fixedly at Yeonju.
Yeonju merely prodded at her rice grains with the tips of her chopsticks.
Then, perhaps feeling my gaze, she averted her eyes slightly,
cleared her throat, stood up from the seat across from me, and moved to sit beside me.
"...Oppa."
It wasn't her usual sarcastic tone.
Yeonju moved her lips for a moment,
and asked while looking straight into my face.
"...What do you want from me?"
"What?"
"I thought about just burying it and letting it slide if possible."
Yeonju's finger slowly tapped on the table.
"Why did you hug me even after sobering up?"
"......."
"When I briefly woke up at dawn. ...And when I woke up again in the morning."
Her voice was calm.
However, her gaze was not at all calm.
A gaze wavering, yet holding its core, determined to draw out an answer.
Eyes desperately probing to see what kind of answer I would give.
"You didn't do that half-asleep. ...And it wasn't just a casual hug either."
"...."
"...Do I not look like a younger sister to you?"
...I couldn't honestly answer that reasonable suspicion.
As I kept my mouth shut, Yeonju pulled her chair a bit closer to me.
"What do you want from me? ...Just what on earth is it?"
I squeezed my eyes shut.
What do I want from her?
That would be...,
To always stay by my side.
...So that I can regress at any time.
When that answer came up, honestly, a heavy pang of conscience struck me.
...Yet am I in any state to do anything without Lee Yeonju?
Before regressing, I was a totally unemployed loser bastard who blew all 700 million won.
It wasn't like I was charming, nor was I capable.
I only revived thanks to regression.
Making money solely for the reason of knowing the future,
I even got to touch a figure of 7 billion.
What if Yeonju recovers her mental state and goes back to her place?
Honestly, no matter how many vows I've made, I know myself well.
In the end, I'd cling to the ghost of that 7 billion and start trading alone again.
Then if I lost money again...,
is there any chance I wouldn't seek out Lee Yeonju?
Getting her drunk again.
Sleeping together again.
Could I really refrain from trying to return to one day prior?
Even up until now, constantly, continuously, I crossed the line and then did it all over again.
"...."
...So, isn't asking her to stay by my side my honest true intention?
Honestly, it's not uncomfortable either.
Someone like Yeonju actually treats me pretty well too.
As long as I don't lose my mind and cross the line like last time,
as long as we can just maintain a close sibling relationship,
wouldn't that be good for me, and good for Yeonju too?
Relying on each other.
Looking out for each other.
And only falling asleep together when necessary.
"...."
While rationalizing like that to myself,
I saw Yeonju's eyes waiting for my answer.
My gaze drifted down slowly.
Chin.
Neckline.
Down to the cleavage slightly exposed between her loose T-shirt.
"...."
...I snapped back to reality.
Not cross the line?
After having already gone insane and even sucked my sister's breast once,
can I guarantee that I won't cross the line even once in the future?
Even just this morning, knowing full well we wouldn't regress during the day, I embraced Yeonju again.
Can I swear that I had truly zero ulterior motives back then?
...Knowing that everything that happened will vanish if the conditions are met,
can I really resolve never to do terrible things to Lee Yeonju again?
"...."
I couldn't open my mouth.
With my head deeply bowed, unable to choose a single word, I only repeated the same question in my mind.
"Can't answer?"
Yeonju asked.
"Why are you brooding over it so seriously, oppa."
"...."
"...Is there something you want from me that makes you deliberate so solemnly?"
I raised my head.
Displeasure and anxiety were simultaneously etched across Yeonju's face.
Looking into those eyes, I struggled to open my mouth.
"...If I."
My voice didn't come out properly.
I swallowed hard.
"If I ask you to do something for me."
"...."
"...do you think you'd hate me?"
Yeonju blinked twice.
Then she pulled her chair slightly closer toward me and sat down.
"...I already hate you right now."
It was a composed reply.
My heart sank heavily in an instant.
"Getting drunk and crawling into someone else's bed,"
Yeonju's index finger touched the pit of my stomach.
Kuk.
"hugging me by force,"
Kuk.
"...kissing my neck,"
Kuk.
"and groping me all over,"
Kuk.
With every poke, it felt as though my conscience was being stabbed alongside it.
"...just what more are you planning to do that you ask something like that?"
"...That's."
"Do you really."
Yeonju paused briefly.
As if forcefully dragging out a word that couldn't escape between her lips.
"expect something... beyond a younger sister from me?"
"...."
"...Do you want a girlfriend or something?"
Her index finger touched the pit of my stomach again.
"Is that what you want, but you just can't say it?"
Kuk.
I couldn't affirm it.
Nor could I deny it.
The relationship was already distorted.
Once today passes,
both the events of last night,
and the conversation we're having right now,
might never be undone again.
Therefore..., I gently raised my hand and placed it on Yeonju's cheek.
"...Tonight."
Yeonju's pupils quivered.
"Let's talk again."
"...."
A warm body temperature was felt beneath my palm.
Yeonju didn't slap my hand away.
After looking at me silently for a while,
very faintly,
she nodded.
"...Alright."
Seeing that, such a thought occurred to me.
If I succeed in regressing tonight,
...this conversation will vanish too.
Yeonju's emotions when asking what I wanted from her,
the gaze that waited for an answer,
and the moment she nodded without slapping my hand away,
all of it becomes as if it never happened.
...It felt strangely bittersweet.
However,
these are feelings that shouldn't exist in the first place.
It's right that they disappear.
The fact that Yeonju asked such a question,
and the fact that I felt something from that question,
all of it.
"...."
Yeonju turned around just like that and silently resumed eating her late breakfast.
Glancing sideways at her, my heart racing rapidly with fear,
my conscience.
Kung, kung.
I secretly struck it twice with my fist.
...Because even more so than when I blew 700 million won,
it felt far more suffocating.