016. Are You That Lonely?
016. Are You That Lonely?
Our eyes met.
For a while, both me and oppa.
Frozen like people who didn't know what to say to each other, our eyes just locked in the darkness.
"...."
I thought he'd at least make an excuse.
Like he made a mistake because he was drunk.
Or mistook me for a pillow in his sleep.
Or, just like in my dream, his eyes completely flipping as he climbed on top of me.
Yet Lee Yeonwoo did nothing.
Just hugging me tightly from behind.
His eyelids trembled faintly,
...and he gently closed his eyes.
"...What the."
If anything, the arm wrapped around my waist tightened even more.
His lips were still pressed tightly shut.
Even after looking me right in the eye.
...Even though he clearly knew what he'd been caught doing.
No excuse.
No apology.
He did nothing at all.
"...Hey."
My voice trembled.
"Hey, Lee Yeonwoo."
Feeling so offended by that, I deliberately called oppa's name with a bit more temper.
"What are you doing right now...?"
Oppa's eyes half-opened groggily.
He looked sleepy.
He looked drunk.
Eyes that looked like he'd lost his mind.
...I couldn't tell.
What emotion was contained in them, not yet.
"...Don't ask."
"What?"
"Just sleep."
"Are you crazy?"
"I'm only doing this because I'm drunk. ...Just stay still."
Oppa slightly buried his face into the nape of my neck and closed his eyes again.
"...I'll forget everything when I wake up anyway."
I was dumbfounded.
Don't ask because you're doing this drunk?
You'll forget everything tomorrow...?
...Aren't those supposed to be my words?
Why on earth are those words coming out of your mouth?
"Ah, seriously...."
I squirmed my body, trying to escape from his embrace somehow.
Pulling at the arm wrapped around my waist,
pushing my body forward,
and trying to pry off the fingers resting on my belly one by one.
Yet the more I did, the tighter oppa pulled me in.
"Hey."
"...Stay still."
"Let go."
Even his leg came up over mine.
His knee pressed against the back of my knee.
His long leg tangled around my legs.
"Ah, fuck...!"
Every time I moved, bare skin grazed beneath our clothes.
Calves touching.
Thighs rubbing.
I couldn't stop being conscious of his body heat pressed right against my back.
Each time, my body flinched.
"Haa, seriously, what is wrong with you...."
Irritation flared up intensely.
Grabbing the arm around my waist and lowering my head,
I bit down hard right on the back of his hand.
"...."
No scream came out, but the strength momentarily drained from oppa's arm.
I didn't miss that opening and slipped my body forward.
I didn't get off the bed.
I scurried toward the wall as if fleeing.
My arms instinctively gathered over my chest.
"...What is it, seriously."
My heart was pounding frantically.
"What on earth is this? Why are you suddenly acting like this?"
My voice shook far more violently than I expected.
Oppa didn't answer.
Looking down at the vivid bite mark left on the back of his hand,
he chewed on his lips and cast his gaze downward.
"...."
After staying like that for quite a while, oppa slowly reached out his hand.
I shrank back reflexively.
Yet oppa didn't care and took hold of my arms gathered in front of my chest, one by one.
"Hey...."
Slowly pulling my arms away,
he grabbed my wrists just like that and pulled me toward him.
"Wait, Lee Yeonwoo...."
"...Don't ask anything."
My body lurched forward.
This time, face-to-face.
I plunged straight into oppa's embrace.
"Just."
Arms wrapped around my back.
Warak.
Stronger than before.
Hugging me so tightly that my cheek was squished against his chest.
"...Let's just stay like this."
A scent of soap wafted strongly from his freshly washed body.
The moment I smelled that scent,
my mind, clouded with alcohol, felt like it snapped completely awake.
"Hey, wait...."
I pushed against oppa's chest with both hands.
Yet he didn't budge an inch.
He looked like he didn't have a single ounce of muscle,
and was the kind of person who normally whimpered that carrying a pack of bottled water was too bothersome.
...Still, it seemed a man was a man after all.
With the lingering drunkenness in my body, no matter how much strength I exerted, I couldn't break free.
For someone frail like me, no matter how scrawny oppa was, I couldn't overpower him with brute force.
In the end, with oppa's arm as my pillow, I was trapped in his embrace, unable to budge at all.
"...Why are you being like this?"
Trapped in his embrace, I couldn't meet his eyes.
Instead, with my face buried in his chest, my words at least didn't stop.
Because it gave me goosebumps.
...This whole situation.
"...Stop acting like a drunken mess."
"......."
"I'm your younger sister. Not your girlfriend, not a female friend...."
There was no answer.
"Why did you barge in while I was sleeping and hug me? You really not gonna answer...?"
My voice grew smaller and smaller.
What I really wanted to ask came after.
...Because I had no clue what kind of answer I'd get the moment I let it out of my mouth,
I felt like I was going crazy with fear.
"Earlier, on my neck...."
My tongue got twisted.
"...Wh-Why did you kiss me?"
At that moment,
oppa's hand gently pressed the back of my head.
My face was buried deep around his collarbone.
"Mmph...."
It was suffocating.
Right in front of my nose, the scent of soap and a faint smell of alcohol mixed together,
and because of the hand pressing down on the back of my head, I couldn't even lift it.
"Hey, I can't breathe...."
Even my words got choked off.
Losing my temper in an instant,
I bit down hard on the collarbone right in front of my eyes.
"...."
There was no reaction whatsoever.
Harder.
I gnawed down until the skin pressed deep between my teeth.
Even so, oppa didn't even flinch.
"...What the."
When I loosened my bite, feeling slightly bewildered,
oppa gently pushed my forehead back with his palm.
Our gazes met again.
...He was close.
Our breaths touched each other's faces,
close enough that my forehead would bump against his chin with the slightest movement.
We're at a distance we shouldn't ever be at.
We're brother and sister.
With eyes that should never be shown to a biological sister, oppa stared intently into my eyes for quite a while.
...And then,
"...Please."
He whispered in a low voice.
"Just for today, don't ask anything."
"......."
"...Let's just sleep like this."
...My breath caught.
The dream I had this morning flashed through my head.
The touch of being hugged from behind.
The hand slipping inside my sleeveless top.
The sight of me frozen, unable to even push him away.
That didn't just end inside a dream.
It overlapped with the real Lee Yeonwoo.
...No way.
The gaze I felt on my chest all day today,
looking down at my lower half several times while drinking,
none of it was a delusion?
Does Lee Yeonwoo really harbor those kinds of thoughts toward me?
Romantic feelings?
Or lust?
Or else,
has he truly gone crazy?
"......."
Countless words came to mind.
Are you insane?
You're disgusting.
Let go of me right now.
I'll tell you everything that happened today once you sober up tomorrow.
I'm going to tell omma.
Yet none of the words wandering inside my throat could make it out.
Making no excuses,
oppa, who only asked to sleep together,
...looked strangely pitiful.
He looked desperate.
Like a person clinging to something I couldn't understand.
"...Are you that lonely?"
In the end, those were the only words that came out of my mouth.
Oppa's pupils wavered slightly.
For a long time,
he stared at my face like someone picking his words.
Yet in the end, he said nothing.
Instead... he hugged me again.
A little tighter than before.
As if that were his answer.
"...."
This time, I didn't get goosebumps.
I was still scared,
and I couldn't understand what this situation was at all, but
...I couldn't push him away.
I felt like if I pushed him away, he would shatter.
Oppa would, in whatever sense.
"...."
His chest, broader than I thought.
His arms firmly wrapping around my back.
The soap scent lingering at the tip of my nose.
All of it was strangely cozy.
Without even knowing why, the tension left my body.
How many minutes passed like that?
Only the sound of each other's breathing could be heard in the room.
At first, it was fine.
However, being pressed so closely together made it increasingly stifling.
With oppa's body heat transferring right over, sweat began to form on the back of my neck.
"...Alright, I get it."
I muttered softly against his chest.
"Let go of me now."
"......."
"It's hot."
At those words, his arms loosened obediently.
Oppa got up and picked up the remote control placed beside the bed.
Ppik, ppik.
He lowered the air conditioner temperature several times.
Cold air began to circulate.
Dazed, I lay straight on the bed.
Is it over now?
The moment I thought that,
oppa grabbed my shoulder and turned me toward the wall.
"Hey—"
His body pressed against my back again.
Clinging a bit less closely than before,
his arm wrapped over my waist.
"...What now?"
Instead of an answer,
lips touched the nape of my neck.
Jjok.
...This time, I couldn't even think it was a mistake.
Blatantly.
Unmistakably.
Even knowing full well that I was awake,
...he kissed me.
"...."
...Why is he really doing this?
Has he truly gone crazy?
Just what kind of feelings does he have for me to do this?
Are you really the Lee Yeonwoo I know?
You're just throwing a drunken fit, right?
You just have a terribly bad drinking habit, don't you...?
All sorts of thoughts tangled in my head.
Yet now I was even tired of asking.
I had already sensed that he had no intention of answering.
In the end, I gave up on everything and squeezed my eyes shut.
...Just you wait until we wake up tomorrow morning.
I'll check if you remember after you've completely sobered up,
and if you still play dumb, I'll recite every single thing that happened today.
Thinking that, I struggled to fall asleep in the chilly room for a long time.
Although we were slightly less pressed together than earlier,
the warmth behind my back,
the weight of the arm around my waist,
and the breath touching the nape of my neck,
all of it was excessively vivid.
There was no way sleep would come.
With my eyes closed,
I only rolled my pupils back and forth beneath my eyelids.
10 minutes.
20 minutes.
30 minutes.
I couldn't even tell how much time had passed.
When I felt like about an hour had passed,
I eventually opened my eyes.
"...."
I carefully tossed and turned.
Taking advantage of the arm around my waist loosening slightly,
I slowly turned my body toward oppa.
His face was right in front of me.
"...Is he really asleep?"
Even when I muttered softly, there was no reaction.
His breathing was steady,
and his eyelids didn't twitch in the slightest.
...He genuinely looked fast asleep, unbelievable as it was in this situation.
I stared blankly at oppa's face for quite a while.
I lightly pinched his messy, dry hair between my index finger and thumb.
After rubbing it,
I moved my fingers down.
Eyebrows.
Eyelids.
Nose.
Cheek.
Lips.
All the way down to his jawline.
I slowly traced the contours of his face with my index finger.
"...It's definitely Lee Yeonwoo."
It was unmistakably the face I knew.
The one I'd looked at since childhood.
Foul-tempered,
lazy,
and my biological oppa who grumbled especially only at me.
...Why is that jerk suddenly doing this to me?
Why me?
Because I'm the only one around?
Because there's no one else he can do this kind of thing to...?
...No matter how much I thought about it, no answer came.
Was there even an answer in the first place?
When what's already done is clearly a wrong answer, does finding a solution even have any meaning...?
The dream came to mind again.
Could that possibly have been a precognitive dream?
...Of course, oppa in the dream did far worse things to me.
Though the current oppa forcefully hugged me and kissed the nape of my neck, he didn't try to do anything beyond that.
Then what on earth did that dream mean?
Maybe... had I unconsciously been feeling oppa's strange gazes on a regular basis?
If an unnoticed sensation manifested as a dream,
then was that dream not my fault?
No, come to think of it, we're sharing the same bed semi-forcefully right now anyway.
Anyone can see it's Lee Yeonwoo's fault.
Even while thinking that, my index finger had settled on oppa's lips before I knew it.
That strangely soft yet moist flesh,
Sseudam.
Sseudam.
I was stroking it unconsciously.
"...."
His eyelids slowly opened.
Groggily half-open eyes looked at me right in front of my face.
"......."
My finger was still resting on his lips.
My body froze on the spot.
He was a pathetic, loser-like oppa on normal days,
but maybe because he was someone who had acted pretty bad-tempered toward me ever since we were young,
facing the slightly opened eyes of oppa who just woke up made me instinctively scared.
I hastily withdrew my hand,
and buried my head low while squeezing my eyes shut.
"...."
His gaze was piercing.
It felt like he was glaring at me.
"Haa...."
Oppa let out a deep sigh.
His arm firmly supported below my waist.
...I definitely felt his hand touch my butt.
And just like that, my body was pulled in again.
Once more, he embraced me face-to-face.
Instead,
"Wait—"
...this time, oppa came into my embrace.
"Hey...."
Lips touched my collarbone.
Briefly.
Yet after kissing me distinctly,
oppa readjusted his posture.
Sliding one arm under my neck,
and gently pressing the back of my head with his other hand, he buried my face around his collarbone again just like before.
"......Please."
Sounding stifled.
Sounding pathetic.
A voice that sounded slightly irritated.
"...Let's just sleep. Like this."
I gave no answer to those words.
I just squeezed my eyes shut.
Please.
While waiting only for this night to pass,
I erased thoughts from my head one by one.
Why he was doing this.
What emotion this was.
What I should do once tomorrow comes.
I tried not to think about anything.
Then, at some point,
my consciousness drifted into a shallow sleep.
**
...How long had I been asleep?
It was stifling.
Sweat was soaked where our back and chest pressed together,
and hot, muggy breath kept tickling the nape of my neck.
"...Ugh."
I opened my eyes.
The room was still dark.
Seeing that light didn't even properly seep through the blinds, it was still before sunrise.
I carefully lifted the arm wrapped around my waist.
This time, it came up limply.
Oppa was truly asleep.
I slipped out from under the blanket while muffling my sounds as much as possible.
Sitting on the edge of the bed just like that, I checked the time.
...5:02 AM.
"...Haa."
I grabbed my forehead with both hands.
A long, deep sigh escaped on its own.
It wasn't a dream.
Lee Yeonwoo really hugged me while sleeping,
and on my neck,
and on my collarbone, he kissed me.
...On that bastard's collarbone, my bite mark remained clearly visible even in this darkness.
"...Crazy bastard."
The moment I muttered softly,
the blanket rustled roughly behind me.
"...!"
Oppa staggered up.
Unable to even open his eyes properly, he fumbled around,
and urgently picked up his phone lying on the floor.
"...Ah."
Then a long groan spilled out.
Oppa's expression distorted noticeably.
Like someone whose world had ended.
"...Hey, Lee Yeonwoo."
Oppa didn't answer.
Instead, he looked outside the blinds where the sun had not yet risen.
Then he tightly closed his eyes and chewed on his lip.
And then...
"Hey!"
He yanked me, who was sitting on the edge of the bed.
I was shoved right back into his embrace.
"You sobered up, why are you doing this...?"
Pushing against his chest with both arms,
I flailed my legs.
Yet oppa didn't let go.
Rather, continuing to stroke my back,
he spoke in a voice even more desperate than before.
"Please."
"Please what?!"
"Just shut up and."
His voice trembled faintly.
"...Let's sleep just a little more."
"......."
I couldn't feel any drunkenness at all.
Neither his tone,
nor his gaze,
belonged to a person out of his mind from drinking.
Yet oppa was hugging me.
Urgently.
Like someone on the verge of losing something.
"Just a little...."
From the touch stroking down my back,
from that touch stroking my hair,
the strength strangely drained from my body.
I couldn't tell why.
Whether it was because he seemed pitiful,
whether it was because I was scared,
or if it was truly because this jerk looked far too lonely.
Frozen just like that,
...I closed my eyes again.
Inside his embrace.
**
I opened my eyes.
First thing I did was look for my phone.
July 18th.
Saturday.
9:17 AM.
"...."
The date hadn't changed.
Inside my embrace, Yeonju was breathing softly.
"...Fuck."
...Is it because I woke up in the middle?
Or can regression not happen consecutively?
Haa.
...How the hell do I clean this up?