015. Precognitive Dream
015. Precognitive Dream
The silence didn't last that long.
"...Do you think you can just date someone just because you want to?"
Oppa blurted out as he picked up a piece of jamón set out as a snack and ate it.
...Showing a remarkably nonchalant reaction for someone whose younger sister had just hit the nail on the head.
"...Aren't you at the level where you can date if you want to? Someone like oppa, I mean."
"So what if I have a lot of money? Do I just grab some random woman walking down the street and go, 'I have lots of money, so do you want to go out with me?'"
"Get a blind date or something, then."
"From who?"
"...A friend?"
"If you were my friend, would you introduce a girl to me?"
"No."
"See?"
A reply without a single moment of hesitation.
It was an answer that was just like oppa.
...I mean, really, who would introduce a girl to that guy?
Is he super considerate? Is he crazily tall? Or is he in great shape?
At best, his only pros are that he's somewhat amiable to his family, his height is about average, he's weak-bodied but at least not a fatso, and if he does his hair he's somewhat passable.
That's about it.
Besides...
"Still, if you went to a book club or something—"
"If you go to places like that with the blatant goal of finding a girl, everyone sees right through it, you know?"
"You talk as if you've actually been to one."
"I can already picture it without having to go. ...I don't want to deal with that kind of awkwardness."
...My oppa, as I've felt since we were little, is a total loser, too.
The reason a loser stays a loser forever.
People normally grow by going through diverse experiences, but since losers are afraid of even experiencing anything, it's extremely common for them to never change their entire lives.
...I'm not trying to diss him; it's just that a few years ago I realized that I, too, was a loser... so it hit home.
Because I realized that all those reasons I used to secretly look down on oppa for until high school applied perfectly to me, too.
"So you really haven't even come close to dating anyone since high school?"
"I told you, I haven't."
"Why did you live like that?"
"It just ended up that way as life went on. ...But why are you suddenly punching me right in the solar plexus? Making a guy feel miserable."
Still, oppa took a sip of beer as if it were no big deal.
For someone saying it hurt getting hit with facts, he looked surprisingly undamaged.
"After graduating, I went to college, and then in the military, I saved up a bit of money and started rolling it, and I got hooked."
"......Isn't that just falling into gambling and tossing away your social life?"
"...In broad strokes, that's true."
Even though I attacked him pretty harshly, oppa quietly nodded, continuing to take my rough words in stride.
...In high school, if I gave him shit like this, he would have gotten genuinely pissed.
"...Thinking back now, I really was a dumbass."
Oppa, who was casually munching on cheese, rinsed his mouth with alcohol and muttered softly again.
"In what way?"
"I thought that as long as I made a lot of money, I'd be successful."
"Yeah."
"...Turns out I just made a lot of money and became a dumbass."
...Those words felt like a direct shot aimed right at me.
Hearing oppa's words that overlapped exactly with my own situation, instead of agreeing with him, I rinsed my bitter taste away with beer.
Honestly, because I wasn't particularly any different from that human.
Maybe I was even worse.
...At least oppa probably made way more than I did.
"...If I'd played the piano diligently like you, well, at least I'd have something left. Since I only made money, literally only money remained."
"...I don't really have anything left either, though."
Just when on earth was it that I used to play the piano?
Of course, I still play it often these days.
Because the viewers like it.
Hiding behind an avatar.
Dolling up my voice to sound a bit cuter.
If I perform piano that's at least above an amateur level, whether they have ulterior motives toward me or not, everyone loves it.
But... not like that, it's been at least over five years since I played with all my heart.
Even up until I failed to get into the arts high school, I still had some competitive spirit left.
As the kids who learned alongside me gradually moved ahead of me and I was left behind all alone, it felt like both my personality and my inner nature turned terribly spiteful.
...If only my hands were a little bigger, I could have kept up that much, too.
I played better than them when I was little.
I used to think things like that.
Though thinking about it now, it was a world where even that was a talent.
"......I'm going to take out some whiskey. Do you want some too?"
"...Yeah."
I, who used to be so haughty and full of ego, had now become a person scrounging drinks across from my own oppa.
...Truly pathetic.
I really never wanted to become this kind of person.
I might say I make a living on my own, but I didn't earn my money honestly either.
Putting up a VTuber avatar.
Acting cute, sometimes blatantly turning on the cam for 'that' purpose.
Receiving donations in return for parasocial romance.
The money made that way was blown on stocks.
And the blown money was restored by oppa.
Not stopping there, because oppa looked like an insane billionaire, I went as far as thinking it might be better to just mooch off my own oppa.
...Just how bad was it...
...that I even had a dream where Lee Yeonwoo jumped me?
"...Haah."
I downed the remaining beer to the last drop and took the cheap whiskey oppa poured for me.
Originally, I didn't like alcohol or anything, but... getting drunk was the easiest way to shake off this irritating feeling.
Just then, a line from 『The Little Prince』 about drinking to forget flashed through my mind.
...Have I sunk to the same level as that drunkard mister?
Ahaha... How funny.
Never dating once in my life.
Is it because I've never properly held a guy's hand?
Even though my head was as tainted as could be by sordid reality.
Having zero actual experiences to speak of seemed to have turned me into a weird person.
Only my body grew while my mind stayed the same... no. Is it the opposite?
I don't know.
Though I do know that I'm more foolish than the little prince.
"...It's strong, but you're drinking it pretty well?"
"I'm twenty-six, too. ...I can drink this much."
"Your speech is slightly slurred though?"
"I'm drinking to get drunk, so of course I'm getting drunk."
I readily gulped down every drink oppa poured for me.
Still, it was indeed strong, so I inhaled all sorts of snacks, too.
I've gained a bit of belly fat recently.
What if I get comments on stream saying I gained weight?
...Should I not turn on the half-cam until I lose weight?
No, should I just not stream at all?
Do I really have to stream?
...It feels like if I just treat this human a bit nicely, he'll feed me and take care of everything anyway.
Ahaha.
"Hey."
"...What."
"Why do you look so depressed? I even restored all your money."
As I was getting drunk in a truly miserable fashion, oppa poked my forearm with his index finger.
"Got hit with post-nut clarity."
"Do you even know what that means before using it?"
"...I'm not an idiot. I know that kind of stuff way better than oppa."
"Like that's something to brag about."
"It's not particularly bad slang, why can't I use it?"
"...."
Looking at me with a dissatisfied face, Lee Yeonwoo still treated me like a kid, just as he did when dealing with the high school Yeonju who knew nothing of the world and acted so twistedly haughty.
...How old am I for this guy to be treating me like a kid?
Although my viewers treat me like a baby, too.
In reality... I'm in my mid-twenties, you know.
Mom was at the age where she had already given birth to both oppa and me.
But what am I doing here?
"Anyway, it's not like I'm going to live on this money for the rest of my life."
"...No, well. Even if you don't earn much, you probably won't starve to death. Someone like you, I mean."
"That's not what I'm talking about."
In the end, even after resting in this house, I'll eventually turn on the stream again.
Acting cute again, sometimes using sex appeal to captivate the viewers.
Selling romantic feelings, not even hiding my loser side and using it as a selling point.
...Just how many more years can I keep doing that bullshit?
"I'll keep getting older, too. I'll turn thirty, and then forty."
"So?"
"I'm just wondering if I should still be doing this back then."
A hollow laugh escaped my lips.
"It feels like I won't even be able to date until I retire. Let alone get married."
"...Did you want to?"
"I don't know. Since I've never done it."
Rather than wanting to.
I hated the fact that I alone might never be able to do what others do as a matter of course.
"It just feels like I'm gradually rotting away as a human being."
The conversation paused for a moment.
Both of us just took another sip of alcohol.
...Seriously, reality is hitting hard.
Growing old like this, eventually seducing a rich viewer and actually getting married...
Ah, I hate that.
"...By the way, oppa."
"What."
"Do you really get post-nut clarity when you masturbate?"
"Ke-heck...!"
Since I couldn't bear to imagine that ending, I teased oppa a bit to change the mood.
As expected, Lee Yeonwoo choked, coughing and looking considerably distressed.
...This human reacts just as aimed every single time.
Except for when he suddenly became gentle a few days ago.
"Ah, disgusting."
"Cough, keo-heok.... Hey, shit. Why are you suddenly asking that?"
"Just curious."
"Why the hell are you asking your own oppa about something like that?"
"Pure curiosity."
"...."
"...Do guys really get turned on watching female cams or half-cams? Ah, does oppa not really watch that kind of stuff?"
"Hey, fuck, asking all kinds of weird shit...."
"Ah, because people like it way beyond imagination.... I wanted to hear an objective evaluation."
Oppa's gaze briefly dropped downward.
Very briefly.
It felt as if it swept past the inside of my T-shirt.
"...."
...I really must be drunk.
Seems like the excessive self-consciousness that was cured around graduation flared up again.
There's no way Lee Yeonwoo would do that.
"...I don't really watch things like that; I just look up ordinary porn. Happy?"
"You sure tell your younger sister all sorts of things."
"Hey, shit. You're the one who asked! Wanna die...?"
Sure enough, oppa wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and roared at the top of his lungs.
Mhm, yeah.
...This is how siblings should be.
"Still, with someone of oppa's level, whether it's a cam girl or a VTuber, wouldn't you be able to date one if you wanted?"
"Hey, it's not like money is overflowing to rot...."
"It is overflowing, isn't it? ...You have at least several billion won."
"...If you squander money on things like that, you'll ruin yourself."
"You're dissing me for earning money with that kind of thing right now, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
Oppa shook his head side to side, making that displeased expression just like before.
...As expected, this guy is the oppa I knew.
He's that Lee Yeonwoo.
The biological oppa who struggles to exchange a single word with women, yet acts utterly rude only toward me.
A human who's a loser, yet secretly foul-mouthed with a dirty temper.
...Yet a man who only acts like an oppa when his sister's life is on the brink of ruin.
...By such an oppa.
I had a dream of being violently jumped.
My unconscious mind.
Had arbitrarily turned that human into that kind of person.
"...."
Suddenly, tears welled up.
...Resentment?
No.
Disgust...?
Because I hate myself?
Yeah.
That seems to be it.
"Hey, why are you crying?"
Oppa, who had been letting out his annoyance just moments ago, looked at me with a deeply flustered face upon seeing my tears.
"I don't know either."
"What's making you so sad?"
"Just because."
As expected, drinking alcohol made emotional control difficult.
Even though I hadn't experienced anything sad enough to cry over, tears kept leaking out and I wanted to whine.
...I just hate myself.
I hated myself for expecting that human to treat me harshly like in the past, yet when he actually treated me roughly, wanting to be comforted for no reason.
I don't even know what on earth I want, nor why I had that kind of dream.
Since I can't even understand why I'm acting like this, I have no clue at all how to make this sordid feeling feel refreshing.
"...What on earth are you talking about?"
"I said I don't know, just...."
Since it was tears that even I couldn't understand, naturally Lee Yeonwoo couldn't understand either.
Rolling his eyes this way and that.
Opening and closing his mouth repeatedly.
In the end, he placed his hand on top of my head.
Once.
Twice.
"......."
When his hand came down for the third time, I slapped the back of his hand away.
"...Don't do pointless stuff."
"...I was just trying to comfort you."
"Forget it."
Oppa awkwardly scratched his own head.
"I really can't understand women's feelings."
"Why am I a woman?"
"Then are you a man?"
"I'm your younger sister, what do you mean 'woman'?"
Slumping over the dining table, I rested my cheek against my forearm.
Miraculously, the tears stopped quickly.
Slowly blinking my eyelids, I looked at oppa across from me.
"Biologically speaking, you are a woman."
"That's not what I mean."
As expected of a T bastard.
Does he really have to nitpick words even in a situation like this?
"No matter what I do, in your eyes, Lee Yeonwoo, I'll only look like a baby gorilla."
"......."
"And conversely, no matter what oppa does, it's normal that you only look like an orangutan in my eyes."
...Was the fact that oppa is the only member of the opposite sex I've ever actually communicated with in my life really something this frustrating?
But living my life putting up a wall against men was a choice I made myself.
If I wanted to date, I had opportunities to date multiple times, and honestly even now I could date if I wanted to.
But why... does that feel so frustrating?
"...Go the fuck to sleep. Seeing this, you're wasted."
"You only realized that now...?"
"I didn't know you'd be this drunk."
Oppa grabbed my wrist and pulled me to my feet.
Dragging my staggering self to the bedroom, he shoved me onto the bed.
"Sleep."
"I'm going to sleep even if you don't tell me to."
Grumbling, I pulled up the blanket.
Once oppa confirmed I was lying down, he immediately left the room.
The living room light stretched out long across to the end of the bed.
Even that went out soon, but the sound of oppa washing kept grating on my ears, making it impossible to fall asleep.
How long had that sound of running water continued?
The intoxication in my body remained as it was, but my head was instead becoming clearer and clearer.
The faint sounds coming from the bathroom vanished one by one.
With the tung sound of the bathroom door shutting as the finale, the inside of the house grew completely quiet.
Just around the time I began to sink gradually into drowsiness and the alcohol's influence.
Sabak.
I heard footsteps approaching toward me.
"...."
My heart sank with a kung.
...Because the dream I had today surged up from my heart.
This house is Lee Yeonwoo's house.
The only guest who visited was me.
There is no burglar; not even the doorbell rang.
There's only you and me in this house.
But since you aren't me...
...The one approaching is.
"...."
Sabak.
The footsteps came closer and closer.
It felt like the moment I opened my eyes, everything would become reality.
The bed sank just a tiny bit.
Lee Yeonwoo lay down on the same bed.
The intoxication blew away completely.
Cold sweat dripped down my spine.
I have to run away.
I have to ask why he came in.
I have to get up right now and tell him to get out to the living room.
But no voice came out.
The blanket rustled behind me.
His body heat drew closer bit by bit.
Close enough for his breath to touch my back.
Kkumul-kkumul.
An arm reached over my waist.
Goosebumps broke out in droves all over my body.
Still, I couldn't make a single sound.
Pretending to sleep.
Thinking it was a dream.
I was just keeping my eyes shut tight.
Then.
"......!"
...Oppa pulled me into a tight embrace.
Lips touched the nape of my neck.
My spine snapped straight reflexively.
Simultaneously with my flinch.
Oppa's body also froze with a start.
"...."
Caught.
That I wasn't asleep.
Unable to endure any longer, I turned my head.
In the darkness, my eyes met oppa's.
"......."
Neither of us said a word.
But I could see it.
Even in the faint light.
In those eyes looking at me.
Whether it was lust, or fear.
Or something unknowable, like desperation, was brimming full.
The moment I realized that.
The inside of my mouth froze cold.
...My body, too.
Stiffened completely.
The thought of kicking him away,
Had long since vanished.