This Is Embarrassing
A body whose lines descended smoothly beneath a slightly protruding lower belly. I'd grown used to it by now, yet the mere fact that what had once been there was gone was enough to create a sense of dissonance.
It was a dissonance that only arose when I consciously thought about it, like now.
The gel she'd poured over me carried a chill sharp enough to make my waist flinch.
The transparent, water-like gel slid across my skin and dripped onto the cover below.
I brought my hand over just as Song Haneul had told me to.
I figured it was only outer flesh, so touching the flesh of my crotch wouldn't feel like anything more or less than that. But the moment I pressed my hand flush against it, the cold sensation seeping into the crevice nearly wrenched a moan from me unbidden.
"You need to put your fingers in further."
"...Further than this?"
"It'll warm up as you keep touching it, won't it?"
That was true enough, yet my hand refused to move properly.
My flinching fingers finally received help and pushed into the flesh.
"Hey, wait a second..."
Song Haneul, unable to watch any longer, pressed down hard, and my hand reached the inner place that had been hidden by soft flesh.
I let out a startled sound, but up to this point there was nothing particularly special to feel—only a throat that had gone bone-dry.
"At this rate we'll be here forever. Rub it more and it'll go in a bit... Once you work some gel inside, your fingers should go in too. Probably."
"Probably...?"
"Probably."
I reacted to that word, but Song Haneul answered with complete confidence instead.
It was absurd, yet for the moment I could accept that neither of us was entirely sure about our own bodies anymore.
Watching Song Haneul get hard and masturbate day after day made me wonder whether that really used to be my body at all.
My head was spinning, but we'd already started, so there was no stopping now.
Besides, with my legs held open like this, there was no way I could get up even if I wanted to.
The wet sound of gel being worked in struck my ears as somehow lewd.
It wasn't a sound you heard every day; combined with the situation itself, it made my ears feel strange. As if something were violating my eardrums—an odd sensation altogether.
"Straighten your fingers."
"Mm..."
A slick sound. It went in more easily than before, that much was certain.
Some of the gel had gotten inside, leaving a cold feeling in my belly, but it wasn't nearly as intense as the sensation of the fingers themselves, so it quickly faded into the background.
The gel's temperature warmed almost instantly, which helped dull the feeling as well.
"Ah..."
"You can put more in."
"Doesn't seem possible...?"
"No, try putting more in."
Even one finger made my body seize with spasms; I couldn't believe anything more would fit.
Yet when I thought about how that huge thing had already been thrusting in and out, it shouldn't have been impossible. Still, the idea that I could manage it with my own hand right now simply wouldn't take root.
I bent at the waist and tried to look down. My chest blocked most of the view, but something enormous was clearly happening down there.
My collapsing posture was tilting my body further and further backward.
A body with so little muscle couldn't possibly have any core strength, so the growing complaints of pain were only natural.
"...Nngh. I'm tired..."
My arms were already trembling. This was the sort of thing you got better at with practice; suddenly trying to exert force like this, my body simply couldn't keep up.
There was a reason people talked about "chicken legs."
I'd never done anything until I broke a sweat, so I hadn't known my limits—now I was starting to understand them.
Back then, when I'd been forced like that, maybe I'd already been at the end of my physical strength and that was why I'd collapsed.
"I'll do it for you."
"Ah, no... Wait, hick, eek...!"
He pulled out the slick, wet fingers, and something else—something like a thick club—pushed in.
For a split second I thought he'd put it in for real and nearly panicked, but what I saw beyond was just one large forearm.
It was strange how huge a single finger could feel.
Because I couldn't see it, my imagination only inflated the size further.
I even worried he might be forcing two fingers in and spreading them apart.
My lower back already felt like it was burning.
A sensation completely different from when I did it with my own hand.
Just as being tickled by someone else felt different from tickling yourself, my entire body reacted with hypersensitivity.
Even breathing seemed difficult, stopping intermittently—something was definitely wrong.
"Hnn, wait, stop. Song Haneul...!"
Squelch, squelch-squelch, squelch.
Whether because it was his own body or because the sensations belonged to someone else, he treated it carelessly.
Song Haneul's fingers moved without mercy. The way they scraped wildly inside left my mind reeling.
Tears seemed to prick at my eyes, and strange sounds kept trying to escape my mouth, so I clamped a hand over it. The instinctive gesture would have been fine if not for the gel still coating my fingers.
Covering my mouth with the hand that had just been stirring inside me felt bizarre, yet in this situation I couldn't even pull that hand away—leaving me only with a sense of helplessness.
"Hup..."
"Oh, it's opened up nicely. If I push further in like this..."
"Mmph..."
Squelch, spread. He stirred roughly as if forcing the hole wider.
Drawing circles, scraping the walls with his fingertips—every motion was part of a stimulation I couldn't endure.
My body jerked upward in spasms.
The body that had been rattling helplessly on the toilet finally collapsed as if my waist had given out completely.
"Hnn, ugh, hey... Stop, stop it... My back's gone. Ah, ah...!"
Tears welled up. I was already sensitive, and with my back giving out on top of it, the pain was almost enough to make me cry from sheer unfairness.
My swaying upper body finally lost its hold and tilted.
Song Haneul seemed startled too; he quickly stretched out an arm and caught me.
"Oh, shit."
"Song Haneul, you wanna die...?"
"I didn't know you'd be this weak."
I let out a truly aggrieved sound, but this was all because Song Haneul had suddenly shoved his fingers in.
If his hands had been reasonably small I might have understood, but with those log-like fingers going in, there was no way not to react.
I caught my breath, sweat beading on my skin.
"I feel like I'm gonna die."
"You didn't come, though."
"...I don't have to. I'm exhausted enough to die."
I'd learned enough for now; next time I just needed to use the gel properly.
Right this moment I was too worn out to do anything more. It left me unsatisfied, but there was nothing to be done about it.
"Song Hamin."
"Yeah?"
"I've been wondering— is my body really that sexy?"
"...What's with the sudden creepy question?"
My eyes, which had been drifting shut, snapped wide open again in surprise.
I glanced at Song Haneul's crotch as he supported me and saw that grotesque thing already straining as if it might tear through his pants, standing out starkly.
I worried for a second that he might try something just because of how I looked right now, but Song Haneul bit his lip hard as if that wasn't it at all.
"People keep staring, so it's uncomfortable, you know? The guys who talk to me sometimes, too. There were so many people who made a nuisance of themselves that I figured it was just how things were, but maybe not."
"......"
"Is it because my chest is big? Or is there some other reason—something that makes people unable to help reacting?"
Whether it was a genuine worry or not, there wasn't much I could say.
I'd never looked at Song Haneul that way, so advice on that kind of concern was hard to come up with.
Still, the atmosphere demanded that I say something proper.
Afraid that a wrong move might get me taken right then and there, I searched for some moderate words of reassurance.
In my current state, I was already in a position where my legs would spread on their own without him even needing to use much force.
Whether he used force or not, the problem was that I couldn't resist from my side.
"Probably. You know how it is. If someone's got a good body, people react one way or another..."
"Then what do you think?"
"About you? This?"
I pointed at the body that was now mine and gave a slight nod of my chin; Song Haneul's head bobbed in agreement.
"What am I supposed to think? It's already weird enough watching you get horny looking at your own body."
"I think that's weird too."
The usual playful voice and distinctive tone were nowhere to be found—only a low, quiet one.
His eyes had grown calmer, and I found myself growing solemn without meaning to.
My state was already mortifying enough, and now silence had settled in; my mind, which had been half-dazed from the effort, began spinning again. After a long struggle my body finally gathered enough strength to push my upper half upright.
I nearly collapsed again, but I stretched out an arm and leaned against Song Haneul's shoulder as he knelt.
"—I understand what you said before, at least a little."
"That so."
"Mm."
He wouldn't ask me to understand more and then jump me, right?
Saying something like this with my lower half completely exposed was almost funny.
The saddest part was that I couldn't just laugh it off.
Song Haneul thought for a moment, then scooped me up and dumped me into the bathtub.
Huh—before I could even react, I heard the sound of water.
"Ah, coldcoldcoldcold! It's cold! What the hell!"
My body shuddered under the pouring stream.
"Nah, I just felt like messing with you a bit."
"Ah, everything's soaked."
"Gotta wash you, don't I?"
"Well, yeah, but..."
I fidgeted and watched him carefully, yet I couldn't help doubting my own eyes as the presence between his legs steadily dwindled.
Song Haneul rinsed the gel from the toilet and from between my legs, then went and fetched clothes as well.
Stripped of every scrap I'd been wearing in the confusion, I hunched over and let the water pour down on me like rain.
"...Hey, but I'm embarrassed."
"Now, of all times?"
"It's not 'now of all times.'"
The sensation of being washed by someone else felt awkward and shameful, something I hadn't experienced in over twenty years.
And given who the other person was, the feeling was even stranger.