This Sensation
Is there anything more mortifying than locking eyes with family while you're in the middle of masturbating?
Dad never set foot in my room, so that particular nightmare never happened, but whenever Mom or Song Haneul barged in without knocking, the shame was so thick I couldn't look either of them in the face for a solid three days afterward.
Maybe the whole "time heals everything" idea was never meant for this kind of humiliation.
I'd walked in on Song Haneul jerking off before myself, so I didn't exactly have room to talk. I figured I could at least get a word in since I hadn't been caught, but the sudden situation locked every muscle in my body; even moving felt like too much effort.
My head went pure white in this goddamn mess and refused to turn over a single useful thought.
While I was grunting and scrambling for an excuse, everything that had happened with Song Haneul came flooding back—the shameless moments he'd kept going right in front of the body's actual owner, the lectures that had only ever been about restraining me when this whole mess first started. The second those memories surfaced, a hot surge of indignation rose with them.
I knew perfectly well that the one who farted was the one who got angry, but once things got this embarrassing, that sort of logic stopped mattering.
"Why do you come in without even knocking…?"
"…What are you doing?"
"Is this the first time you've seen this? You do it all the time too. Get out already."
My trembling fingers popped free with a wet sound.
I yanked the blanket I'd shoved aside in pure mortification back over myself and covered up in one sharp motion. Even as I fumbled under the covers to pull my pants on, the alien sensation that had been digging between my legs made me press my thighs together and rub them hard.
The blanket was yanked away without warning.
I stared blankly at the culprit, curled up like a shrimp.
"If you don't know how, I'll help you."
"What are you talking about… Ah, I'm fine, okay?"
"I know my own body best, don't I?"
"…I'm good. Go. Hurry."
What could I possibly entrust to the guy who'd already done that kind of thing twice—to me, to his own body? It felt exactly like leaving a fish with a cat, and the idea made my skin crawl.
I waved both hands to shoo him off, but Song Haneul just stood there staring without budging.
"What are you doing not leaving?"
"I said I'll help."
"I said I don't need it."
Even if Song Haneul didn't care, I wasn't shameless enough to accept help, so I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I was already dying of embarrassment; the idea of going any further from there was a choice I could barely believe existed.
It was only our bodies that had switched, after all, and the fact that he could treat me like this was more amazing than anything else.
"I do all sorts of things with your body too, so I figure it's fine. And with that time of the month, the libido kicks in a bit. If you really want to take care of it, just let me know."
With that, Song Haneul slipped out of the room.
He left more obediently than I'd expected, which was a little disorienting. It was only natural, but given his recent behavior and the countless suspicious corners, I couldn't help being wary this time too. The fact that I had no grounds to complain even if he tried to overpower me with force right now made me break out in a cold sweat.
After calming my chilled nerves, I barely managed to wet my parched lips with my tongue.
"—So it's because of the libido?"
I was a little curious, but could that curiosity really be called sexual desire? It didn't quite click, yet the way that earlier sensation kept prodding at me was hard to ignore.
When something new appears on a person, their awareness gravitates toward it.
In my case it was something that had been there disappearing, but from the moment I felt the sensation inside, the story changed. An unavoidable feeling kept prodding at my lower belly. Facing a sensation I could never have felt as a man left me at a complete loss.
I drew my legs together and twisted my pelvis, rubbing lightly. Doing this gave a slight sense of relief separate from the friction of my legs—like gently rubbing an itchy back with a single finger. It didn't resolve anything completely, but if I kept fidgeting I could delay the itchy feeling to some degree. If I didn't do even this, I'd have no choice but to stick my hand in and scratch directly.
Whether it was because I'd stopped halfway or because the method was wrong, the sensation lasted quite a while. It felt like it was arriving in a more stressful form precisely because it was itchy and I wasn't scratching.
What did he mean by helping? Well, Song Haneul would know better than me. Since we each occupied the other's body, in situations like this the other person ended up knowing better. He could probably roughly guess what kind of situation I was in, and what kind of feelings I was having.
After holding out for a long time, I bit my lip hard and forced out the words I'd been hesitating over.
"…Hey. Give me some lube."
"Lube? Ah— okay."
He must have kept it in the computer desk drawer; he yanked it out and held it out like he was tossing it to me. Thinking of how it had been too dry and difficult at first, having some lube myself might not be bad.
I caught it, but when it came to actually trying again, my heart wouldn't quite go along. I just smacked my lips with the worry that I might be starting something for no reason. People said a woman's body felt good too, but the internet talk about sensitivity being ten times higher or whatever also scared me a bit. Looking at how Song Haneul was acting after going into a man's body, though, it seemed like it might be fine. People living their lives are all pretty similar; it's not like anyone's several times stronger or weaker.
"You gonna do it?"
"…I don't know."
"Then why do you need it?"
"I'm thinking about it."
The hesitation deepened. Just having lube didn't mean everything would go well, so I chewed my lip. It seemed like it would be faster to just pick up some other hobby, and I worried I was getting too into only this kind of thing.
"Just do whatever you want. Something's going to go in anyway."
"Not just anything, right?"
"True."
The way he talked like it wasn't his own body was so absurd I let out a hollow laugh. He found it funny too and laughed freely, then grabbed my wrist and pulled. He dragged me to the bathroom and lowered the toilet lid.
"Sit."
"…Hold on, I never asked for help yet?"
"I'll just show you, for real. Try it alone later."
Even as I protested, my back, pushed by his strength, slumped forward weakly. Clutching the lube bottle, I sat as told in a daze and looked up at Song Haneul.
"…Hey, but why do you only ever do this kind of stuff at home?"
"There's nothing I can really do outside anyway. Do we have the same interests or what? If you start going out alone, you'll go crazy too, you know?"
What did he mean I'd go crazy if I started going out alone? When I made a puzzled face, he shrugged as if he could see exactly what I was thinking.
"Try going to a convenience store or the subway. You'll know what I mean."
"You gonna let me go?"
"Go if you want. It's not like you're doing anything anyway. You go to PC bangs or something?"
"…With this body's physical stats being so trash, I don't think I can go anymore?"
"Physical stats, my ass. It's just a game. My body is the physical one."
I was dumbfounded by the way he mocked my words.
"Wow, where does that confidence come from?"
"You'll know when you go out."
"What's out there?"
"People hunting. People asking for your number? People coming up asking if you believe in God."
"What the hell have you been doing walking around…?"
Just hearing it, it sounded like an exhausting life. What would it feel like to have strangers casually striking up conversation no matter where you went? Since I'd never experienced it, it took a little time even to imagine. Still, understanding that sensation was difficult.
"What do you mean what have I been doing. I don't do anything and it happens—that's physical."
"So did you like it?"
"Bullshit. Spread your legs."
The immediate curse told me it wasn't the case.
"So that's why you skipped school and just jerked off?"
"…Shut your mouth. Just take them off."
"Can't I just do it alone?"
I must have hit the mark. Cold sweat started forming too.
"I'll show you and leave right away."
My lips twitched. Should I learn this or not? If I know the method, will I end up doing it alone? Maybe it's better not to know? But I can't help what's bothering me right now. I'm worried that if this sensation gets stronger, I'll end up clutching my crotch all day like Song Haneul.
"Take them off."
He stepped in front of me and put his hands on my hips. I flinched at the slightly cold touch. He grabbed the elastic of my pants and yanked them up, so they came off without any chance to resist. Being stripped almost by force, my butt hit the seat with a thud. It hurt enough that I had to worry whether I would have fallen in if he hadn't put the lid down. Thank goodness there was some flesh on my butt; without it, I'd have been worrying if my tailbone was broken.
"Euk."
It was different from washing. Having him next to me while washing was one thing, but facing him with my top still on and only my pants off was embarrassing, sure enough. I was curious how Song Haneul could be so bold about it.
Song Haneul put his hands on my knees and yanked them apart. I hadn't even thought of spreading them yet, so the feeling of my pelvis being forced open startled me. A gasp escaped my mouth on its own from the strong force, and my legs trembled.
His strength was seriously no joke…? I knew it, but actually feeling it was on another level. I'd probably lose if we fought. Socially it would be "Song Hamin" getting wrecked. Whatever the case, the helplessness hit hard and sapped my will to fight. At the same time, I took comfort in the fact that staying quiet until now had been the right call. If I'd just fought without thinking, I probably would have only gotten beaten up.
"Put some lube on."
"Yeah."
Hesitantly, I did as told for now. The cold gel slid down my crotch. A sheen began to form over the dry skin. Song Haneul's gaze as he squatted and watched the scene head-on was burdensome.
"Done?"
"Now just rub it with your hand."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"Got it."
Somehow ending up receiving a lecture, I moved my hand and rubbed the outer part for now. I moved slowly, watching his every reaction to see if this was the right way. My face was getting way too hot. The chilly weather helped some, but hot was still hot. My heart was racing too, and the feeling was strange. If I kept feeling this kind of sensation, I felt like I'd turn into an idiot.