Suddenly
When something that wasn't there before appears, you can't help but notice it. And when that something is a body part that actively bothers you, looking away becomes impossible.
An unfamiliar sensation occupied the space between my legs, something I could feel even without looking. Ignoring it was out of the question.
A body part jutting out, unnecessary and abrupt, from what had once been a smooth body.
Having lived as a woman, this was the part that got under my skin.
I'd already known men had these things, of course—but walking around with one attached was a whole different story.
Even nearly a month later, something about it still felt awkward. From the morning erections I'd never experienced before, to the way lust bloomed every few days like a heat cycle—all of it just felt strange.
So even when I hated it, I became conscious of it.
An unfamiliar body was hard to control, and the way it got hard on its own wasn't even funny.
Once it stood up, the embarrassment left me with no choice but to wait for it to go down or deal with it. And if I chose to wait it out, a subtle emptiness lingered thickly afterward.
So I tended to choose dealing with it.
I'd never even finished masturbating when I was a woman, so comparing which felt better was impossible from the start.
The one thing I knew for certain: the pleasure that hit at the moment of climax got bigger the longer you held out.
I also learned that semen was slick and sticky, like egg white, and a pain to clean up.
So if I was going to do it, putting on a condom made the cleanup cleaner and easier. Though I also knew I should restrain myself, considering how the money drained away with every use.
"Maybe I shouldn't have bought these."
I'd bought them to clean up after doing it in my room without Dad knowing, but once I used them all, I bought more out of sheer habit.
I stared at the small box in my hand, the one that said it contained three.
Even the ultra-thin ones that claimed to be incredibly thin—there was still a difference between using one and not. The way it dulled the body's sensitive responsiveness left a slight regret.
Whether it was a person or an onahole, my own sensation didn't change, so it was the same either way.
I'd done it just yesterday, and still that lingering dissatisfaction remained.
I'd wanted to grab hold of a drunk Song Hamin, but the thought of doing it again made me hesitate.
If I hadn't been caught, would I have done it yesterday too? Or would I have left it alone?
When I realized it wasn't just about getting caught, the hesitation grew.
I stared at my hand. The memory of that day resurfaced, and the muscles in my forearm twitched.
When I'd forcibly held down a resisting Song Hamin, I could overpower her without putting in that much strength.
Doing it while she was asleep was already a bad thing, but the guilt of restraining her by force and going through with it was beyond words.
Goosebumps ran over my whole body, and my mind scrambled trying to figure out how to process this feeling. At the same time, the pleasure that had coursed through me left behind a subtle sense of transgression.
The thought of facing that sensation again was so uncomfortable that my head shook on its own.
"Just hold out."
I'd held out for a few days and then released it, so I could hold out a few more days again.
If I did it several days in a row without restraint, it hurt, and it didn't even feel particularly good.
I scrubbed my face dry with my hands, trying to snap myself back to my senses.
I swallowed hard, desperate.
"Ah."
I really am a terrible person.
Up until not long ago, it had only been a matter of interest.
It's all because of this male body.
Taking in hormones I can't adapt to is making my head go weird.
I just wanted to believe that was why the problems were happening.
"Maybe I should get hormone shots…"
Would that help a little?
The fact that remembering how I'd held her down and fucked her was what caused the erection…
I really needed to fix this. The way it kept getting worse—it was obvious that constantly being stuck in the house with Song Hamin was the reason.
Even though it's my own body, looking at myself in the mirror and looking at myself through someone else's eyes feel different.
There's an atmosphere that makes me feel completely like another person, and the unguarded little actions draw the eye.
Things like postures I would never have taken, ways of speaking, looks in the eyes—they captivate.
Casually grabbing a bra and gently shaking it because of sweat, or slipping a hand inside clothes to wipe under the breasts like it's nothing.
Watching TV with legs spread, then sliding a hand under short dolphin shorts to scratch deep along the thigh.
The person doing it doesn't even seem aware, but from the viewer's perspective, it's maddening.
I clenched my fist tight and waited a long, long time before it finally went down.
How many more months would it take to learn how to control this?
The unfamiliar sensations made the learning process slow.
I even searched online, wondering if learning breathing techniques might help a little.
"I should drink some water."
Would gulping down cold water help?
Why does that one keep jerking off so much with someone else's body?
If we ever go back to normal, my bones will already be so worn down I'll have to watch out for osteoporosis. I honestly couldn't understand what had turned Song Haneul into this.
Since it was the first time our bodies had swapped, I couldn't exactly go ask anyone for advice either.
Thinking back to how she'd put on porn in the living room and casually touch between her legs before, the interest had always been there.
It just met a man's sex drive and created synergy. There were too many things that didn't make sense otherwise.
"Does it feel that good…?"
Well, there are times when I want to do it periodically myself.
Moments when everything builds up inside and I want to release it.
I couldn't even lie and say it didn't feel good, but I didn't think it was something to get that obsessed over.
Though with things like masturbation addiction existing, I couldn't completely rule it out.
Sitting on the bed, I lowered my gaze slightly.
In this situation, there was nothing I could really do, so I had no choice but to stay in the house with Song Haneul.
And having to watch this idiot get even dumber all day long made me feel like I was getting stupid too.
I'd had this body for three weeks and hadn't done anything particularly noteworthy with it, but Song Haneul had gone into my body and was wringing every last drop of use out of it.
Whether it was from feeling unfair, or from watching that repeated act that seemed to feel so good—I started getting curious myself.
Seeing someone that hung up on it, maybe it really did feel that good.
Had she tried both male and female bodies and decided the male side felt better?
From what I knew, women were supposed to feel better…
Ah, whatever. I can try it once too, right?
Why do I have to be the only one watching my step? It's not like Song Haneul is going to thrash me with force…
Because of the memory of that day, I flinched without meaning to.
I found myself reading every single action, worrying that Song Haneul might lash out and grab me in a fit of temper.
Worrying about Song Hamin's life while also thinking about my own safety put constraints on everything I did.
That choking feeling made my head go increasingly blank.
Was it because of the suppressed sensations? Everything I'd been holding back piled up and up until it burst through like a dam breaking. The surge of emotion turned into anger, and at the same time, a rebellious impulse rose up. My patience had hit its limit faster than the backlash from Song Haneul I'd been fretting over.
Telling myself I had my own methods too, I bit my lip and reached out a hand.
But it didn't feel as good as I'd expected.
Just the sensation of touching flesh, and as I went further inward, a prickling of goosebumps along my lower back.
When I forced my fingers against it, there was a tight, dry spot that didn't seem like a finger could go in. Even following the sensation and somehow finding it, anything beyond that was impossible.
It was hard to believe something that big had gone in there.
So this was what they meant about needing a certain amount of foreplay before you could put anything in. Looking at how hard it was just to get a single finger inside right now.
Fidgeting under the blanket like this felt weird.
Even though everything was hidden, it felt like I was completely exposed, and my head started going strange.
I'd closed the door, and it was night so it should be fine—but the ticklish feeling just left me frustrated.
I bit my lip hard, then finally shoved the blanket aside and slightly spread my legs.
"…Nnh."
I couldn't even see properly because of the breasts. Pressing them down with my other hand at least let me see somehow, so I supposed that was a silver lining.
This felt weird.
Unlike just grabbing and rubbing without any sensation until feeling eventually came, this sensitivity from the very start was an indescribably unfamiliar sensation.
I couldn't even tell what I was touching, so why was my spine getting hotter and hotter?
I didn't know how to position myself either.
I wasn't sure if I was even supposed to put a finger in.
Whatever it was, this whole situation of being so awkward and hesitant was just frustrating.
I kept rubbing and rubbing, then slowly used that pushing force to insert a finger. More accurately, it got pushed in.
"Kh, uugh…"
The moment one knuckle went in with a soft push, power flooded into my lower body and abdomen.
I froze solid and couldn't move. The completely dry skin inside was hot and clamped so tight that even pulling my finger out required careful consideration.
Despite the chilly autumn weather, my body was feeling heat.
The finger stuck inside, trembling, had to soothe my body by repeating a back-and-forth motion.
Had this been a misguided curiosity?
Becoming aware that I had a hole made cold sweat break out.
Just as I felt my mind starting to go strange, the door burst open.
"What are you doing with the door closed?"
"Ah."
I'd been so absorbed I'd forgotten to pay attention to any presence outside.
Suddenly, I wanted to die.
The embarrassment was part of it, but getting caught doing it in secret was even worse.