Thoughts
The warmth still sitting in my chest even after I got home was driving me out of my mind.
My heart hammered and thrashed however it pleased, and no matter what I tried to do, my thoughts kept circling back to her.
I lay on the bed, staring at nothing, turning over and over how things had come to this.
It had started as a fake relationship. That much was certain. Just coincidence — a string of incidents, big and small, that happened to tangle us together. And yet lately, running into her everywhere I went, even in places she had no reason to be, had started to feel less like chance and more like fate.
It's like my whole life flipped in an instant.
When I couldn't trust anyone — when I had no choice but to suspect every person in the world — she was the first girl who showed me any real kindness. That gentle heart of hers had wrapped around a boy like me and made him feel something warm, something happy, something at ease.
It was like a drug. Without it I couldn't function. I only wanted more. A child who tastes candy for the first time will keep chasing that sweetness, and nothing else.
She'd taught so much to someone as ignorant and clueless as I was. She'd shown me what it meant to have a friend. She'd shown me the joy of just hanging out. I'd even picked up hobbies I'd never had, and recently she'd started helping me with the studies I'd long since let go.
We've been together pretty much constantly lately, haven't we.
At some point, my entire daily life had begun to orbit around Yeonhee. We walked to school together, sat side by side, ate lunch together, walked home together. And it wasn't just school — whenever we went out, we went together. Wherever I went, she was always there.
"Haaah..."
Pretending I didn't feel this way wasn't going to change a thing. If I kept denying it, I'd just get called a pathetic idiot. And I wasn't such a blockhead that I couldn't even tell what this feeling was.
Love.
An emotion every person feels at least once, in one form or another. Unrequited love, a father's love, a mother's love — from the smallest, most trivial kind all the way to the kind no words could ever hold.
"What's the point of agonizing over it..."
If thinking about it could actually do something, I'd have done it already. Sitting here alone wasn't going to spit out an answer.
So what, get counseling? From who?
The only people I could even ask were Kang Hanbyeol and Kim Naeun. Hanbyeol thought we were actually dating — if I asked him something like this, he might suspect me of two-timing a relationship that didn't even exist. And asking Naeun ran the risk of it getting back to Yeonhee, which I really didn't want.
And even if I laid everything out for Hanbyeol and asked for his help, I already knew what he'd say.
Just man up and confess already.
That would be the best-case scenario. More likely he'd get so frustrated he'd just charge in and confess on my behalf.
Just imagining it made my head throb. My brow furrowed on its own. I could practically hear Hanbyeol saying it, even though he wasn't even here.
I pressed my thumb and index finger into the space between my eyebrows, massaging it, when a single sentence floated up in my mind.
Who said something that stupid?
Ah. That was me.
Honestly, I'd thought that kind of thing only happened in movies. How was I supposed to know it'd happen to me?
But thinking about it, wasn't my own family situation more fictional than most novels? They say reality is more like a novel than any novel. I was so dumbfounded I couldn't even manage a hollow laugh.
Why am I even sitting here worrying about this...
She doesn't feel anything for me. So why am I the only one getting all worked up over nothing?
A sudden calm washed over me, and with it came a mixture of embarrassment and self-loathing that soaked right through. Shame arrived late, and I thrashed across the bed like I was having a fit. The mattress creaked in protest. I writhed hard enough to wreck the frame.
And even then, my brain helpfully dredged up another memory.
Something Yeonhee had said, once.
Why was I remembering that now. It wasn't that I wanted to keep looking at her... but I probably couldn't act the way I used to anymore.
...Still. It's fine.
This arrangement ends this year anyway. A little over six months left. That's all. I didn't expect this to last into our third year. We'd get split into different classes, and then we'd just be the kind of people who say hi if we happen to pass each other in the hall.
The thought of that made my chest seize up.
Stop. What's the point of thinking more. Just cool your head.
The more I thought, the more overheated my brain became. I got up fast and headed for the bathroom.
Water roared down. I turned it as cold as it would go — cold enough to catch a cold — and tried to cool my head. My head went cold. My heart did not. It was so restless I couldn't even hear the shower.
When I finished and came back to my room, the blanket was crumpled and half hanging off the bed, dust swirling in the air. I'd made a complete mess of the place.
"Guess I should clean this up first..."
Once I'd straightened the bedding, I collapsed from exhaustion — not from working out, just from throwing a one-man tantrum.
That night I dreamed I was standing alone in a field of flowers of every color, looking wholly out of place.
...I have to go again today, don't I.
When I opened my eyes, part of me wondered if everything I'd been through had been a dream. It wasn't.
Hah... I should get ready.
I had school. Lying here wasn't going to solve anything. I got up, washed, made breakfast, and got ready in a hurry.
I took the elevator down. The doors opened.
"Hi, Juyeong. Morning."
"......!"
She was standing there. I'd known she would be, but the sound of her voice still made me flinch.
"Why'd you jump like that...?"
"Ah... I was just spacing out."
"Yeah...? Well, shall we go?"
She held out her hand the way she always did. Without thinking, I just stared at it. It was strange to start questioning it now. So why had we been holding hands all this time?
"Juyeong?"
"...Huh?"
"Why are you zoning out? Is something actually going on?"
"No. Nothing's going on."
She didn't look convinced. She was watching me with a suspicious expression. Standing there any longer wasn't going to help, so I grabbed her hand. I started walking, and though she still wore a doubtful look, she followed along quietly, as if she'd decided not to press it for now.
The walk to school was always quiet, neither of us saying much. Today, that silence just felt awkward.
How did I used to do this?
I didn't know. I hadn't thought about it back then. So why did her hand feel so hot now.
They say there are times when it's better not to know. In this moment, I agreed with that completely.
Whether I wanted it to or not, my brain pulled up another memory.
Now that I was aware of it, I couldn't stop focusing on the sensation. It was a small, fragile-looking hand, like it might crumble if I squeezed even a little. A hand that looked like it should be nothing but bone was sheathed in soft skin, wrapping around mine.
I stared at our joined hands without end before I finally managed to snap out of it.
Stop thinking. You're already dizzy. You're going to make it worse.
"Juyeong... that hurts...!"
"Ah. Sorry..."
I must have squeezed without realizing it.
What the hell am I even doing...
I let go of the hand I'd been gripping and apologized. Then Yeonhee suddenly stepped in closer.
"What's with you today? Are you sure you're not sick?"
She reached out and gently laid her hand across her own forehead, then mine.
"......"
The motion pushed my bangs up, and I could see her face even more clearly.
"Your forehead feels a little hot. You didn't catch another cold, did you?"
Did I actually have a fever? It wasn't just my forehead — my whole face felt warm. Yeonhee had no idea why I was like this. She just looked at me, worried, and asked.
"If you're sick, don't just tough it out like last time. Why don't you go home early?"
If this kept going, she was going to drag me off again, and I'd just sit there opening and closing my mouth without a word until I ended up leaving school. I answered fast.
"I'm really not sick."
I said it, but I was looking away, and it only sounded half-convincing. She stared at me even more suspiciously. I couldn't take the pressure, so I hurried her along.
"We're going to be late. Let's go."
"Hnn... okay. But if you start feeling bad, you have to tell me, alright?"
"Yeah."
I felt bad that she was worrying. I wasn't physically sick. And unless I'd completely lost my mind, I was never going to be the one to say it first.
"Hey."
"The hell's with your face?"
The second I sat down in class and said hi to Kang Hanbyeol, that was what I got.
"I know I'm not exactly handsome, but you don't have to put it like that."
"No, that's not what I meant. Your face is, like, red."
I'd thought it had gone back to normal on the way here. Apparently not. This guy, who usually couldn't read a room if his life depended on it, always picked the worst possible moments to get sharp. Did he have a second personality whose entire job was making people uncomfortable?
Keeping my mouth shut would only make him more suspicious, so I brushed it off.
"I dunno, maybe you're seeing things? I feel fine."
"That so? Doesn't look like it to me. Hey, Lee Yeonhee! His face—"
"I said I'm fine."
I jumped and clamped a hand over Hanbyeol's mouth before he could do something stupid. But he'd already called her name, so of course Yeonhee reacted.
"Did you call me?"
"No. Hanbyeol's talking nonsense again. Don't worry about it."
"Yeah...?"
"Yeah. Just ignore him like you always do."
Yeonhee glanced back toward Kim Naeun. I'd papered over it pretty roughly, but Hanbyeol pulled this kind of thing so often that, luckily for me, she dismissed it without a shred of suspicion.
"Mmph——!!"
Something mumbled against my palm, but the second I let go he'd just start up again, so he was staying like this for a while.
Now what?
Now what, nothing. I wasn't a hypnotist. I couldn't just mind-control my own feelings. I wasn't some tsundere either. Clenching my teeth and insisting I didn't like her would only make me look like an idiot.
I'd just get through the time we had left.