Midterms (4)
A string of pops ran through my whole body as I stretched my arms out on the way home, and a groan slipped from my mouth before I could stop it.
Must have been from sitting still for so long. With the gym off the table, I was going to need to squeeze in some stretching between sessions.
"You're groaning like an old man..."
"We were sitting together the whole time. You seem fine, Yeonhee."
"That's because I did little stretches here and there."
When, exactly? She'd been right beside me the entire time. Had she done it while I was focused? I didn't remember seeing her stand up, so she must have stretched from her seat.
That aside, I'd worked hard enough today to give myself a headache. The fact that the subject was math hadn't helped, and having someone to teach me didn't magically make it easy, either. The second I finished one problem, the next one was waiting. It felt like my brain was being wrung dry.
"Is it that rough?"
"If studying wasn't hard, that would be the weird part..."
"Hehe. It's only the first day — that's probably why."
"Hah..."
I'd said I would do it, but a sigh still came out. I supposed that was just part of being a student.
My thoughts drifted for a moment, and then a question surfaced.
"A few days from now it's the weekend. What do we do then?"
"Hm? We study on the weekend too, obviously."
"..."
"I'd be fine skipping a day, but you? You're basically cramming the whole thing from scratch. It's not like you have time to rest."
So I was going to have to study every single day for a little over two weeks, without a break. Put that way, it felt like a path of thorns had been laid out at my feet. She was doing all of this for my sake. So why didn't it feel all that great?
"Haha..."
That night, I was out the instant my eyes closed.
— Day 2 —
"Today's Korean, right?"
"Yeah."
"Honestly, Korean class is, how do I put this... you kind of need to be pretty in touch with your feelings?"
What was that supposed to mean. I looked at her with a face that made it clear I didn't follow, and she added an explanation.
"With literature, you're looking at poems and passages, and if you try to analyze them too rationally, it just doesn't click. That's the idea, anyway."
Being in touch with my feelings was the one thing I was worst at. I wasn't some psychopath with no capacity for empathy, but getting sentimental over a piece of writing? I didn't have the sensitivity for it. Or maybe I just didn't see the point.
"This might actually be harder than math..."
"Come on. It'll get easier once you've done it a few times."
And then, right away, Yeonhee started reading a poem beside me, one line at a time. Even when our Korean teacher read aloud in a big voice at school, sleep would start tugging at me — so with her calm, clear voice drifting from right next to me, my eyelids began to sink, whether I wanted them to or not. In my head I kept shouting at myself to snap out of it, but my body wouldn't listen. Even my head was starting to droop.
And then, when I finally lost the fight against sleep and my eyes fell all the way shut—
A poke landed in my side.
...Huh?
Another poke. Then another. My eyes flew open. I whipped my head around, and there was Yeonhee, cheeks puffed out, glaring at me through half-lidded eyes.
"Some of us are over here teaching our hearts out, and some of us are just sleeping."
"...Sorry."
I couldn't even lift my head.
"Hmph."
She was well and truly sulking. What mattered in this moment wasn't studying — it was getting her back in a good mood. But I was no master of romance, and it wasn't as if situations like this had come up all that often, so the only thing I could think to do was ask her straight.
"What do I have to do for you to forgive me...?"
She let out a thoughtful little hum, and after a moment, apparently finished considering, her small lips moved.
"A Wish Ticket."
"Anything but that..."
"A Wish Ticket."
She cut me off, firm, as if there would be no further discussion. Crushed under that pressure, I couldn't say another word.
"Fine... a Wish Ticket it is."
"Okay!"
The second she got her Wish Ticket, she bounced right back as if nothing had happened. Had she been angling for this the whole time?
"What are you even going to use a Wish Ticket for?"
"It wouldn't be any fun if I told you in advance."
She let out a little laugh, laced with something almost sultry.
I might've just walked into the tiger's den of my own free will...
— Day 4 —
"Juyeong. Did you review what I taught you yesterday?"
"I did, but there are a few parts I still don't get."
"Then let's knock those out first, and do the rest today."
"Okay."
I opened my notebook and showed her the parts I'd marked.
"Ah, these are the kind that are tough if you don't know the trick — but once you do, they're easy."
She picked out only the important bits and explained them, point by point, and the problems that had given me so much trouble started coming undone, one after another.
"You solve it like this. Easy, right?"
"That's amazing..."
"Hehe. You can praise me a little more, you know~"
"Wow. Truly amazing. Incredible. As expected of a top student— ow!"
"That was so half-hearted."
I'd praised her because she'd asked for praise, and she'd pinched my side for it.
"Would you mind keeping it down a little?"
"We're sorry..."
We must have gotten too loud. A librarian had come over and given us a quiet warning.
— Day 7 —
"Starting today, let's work through some practice problems, little by little. I'll give you ones I've prepared, and you solve them."
She was going this far for me? I felt bad, like I was just putting more on her plate...
"You're doing all this for me. I feel kind of bad."
"Then just show me with your results."
If she got her hopes too high, she might end up disappointed. She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I couldn't bring myself to say no.
"...I'll try."
— Day 14 —
"Juyeong! Your nose! You're bleeding!"
At her words, I felt it — something warm sliding down from my nostril. I swiped a finger under my nose and came away with a smear of dark blood.
"Oh. I am."
I didn't think I'd been studying hard enough to get a nosebleed, of all things.
"Oh no, what do we do? Is there anything to stop it?"
"It's not that serious. Calm down."
I was the one bleeding, so why was she the one making a scene? She looked so cute doing it that a laugh slipped out of me.
"Don't just laugh — do something!"
"Okay, okay."
I pulled a tissue from my bag, rolled it into a small plug, and stuck it in my nose.
"That's it. We're taking a break."
"It's just a little nosebleed..."
"I don't care! You're resting!"
She cut me off and wouldn't hear otherwise, so I had no choice but to take a forced break.
"I never thought I'd live to get a nosebleed from studying."
"Pfft."
A second ago she'd been worried sick, and now she was laughing because the tissue in my nose was making me sound all stuffed up.
"...Hey."
"Th-that's not funny."
Even when I wasn't saying anything, the corners of her mouth kept twitching beside me. Didn't look like we were getting any more studying done today.
— The Day Before Midterms —
"Finally... today's the last day, huh."
We really had worked hard these past few weeks.
Coming out to the library to study even on weekends says it all.
But with the end in sight, my body felt a good deal lighter.
"You do know we're not done yet, right?"
"...Yeah."
I'd been feeling so good about it, too — and then she went and dumped a bucket of cold water on me from right beside me. Like that frog meme circulating online, my mood instantly went flat.
— Midterms, Day One —
Midterms spanned three days, four periods each. I got to school early and used the extra time to review, even a little.
"You're actually studying."
That was Kang Hanbyeol, up ahead, making his own kind of preparations. He'd emptied his pencil case and stuffed it with cotton from who-knows-where, fashioning a makeshift pillow. I wasn't quite at that level, but I'd been in a similar headspace last year, so I felt a flicker of kinship.
"Well, yeah. You think I'd fake it?"
"Hey. Stop chatting and review something, at least."
I'd been answering him, and I'd caught a scolding from Yeonhee beside me.
"No, that was Kang Hanbyeol—"
"What about Hanbyeol?"
I looked ahead. Kang Hanbyeol was face-down on his desk, pretending to sleep, as if none of this had anything to do with him.
...You little—!
"Anything else you'd like to add?"
"...No."
I withered on the spot and stared at my book. The proctor came in and handed out the answer sheets and exam papers. After a short wait, the bell rang to start the exam, and I flipped over the paper I'd been given.
It's exactly what Yeonhee taught me.
The questions weren't far off from the practice problems I'd worked so hard on. It was enough to make me wonder if I'd hired a fortune-teller instead of a tutor.
At this rate, I might actually have a shot this time.
I'd told myself I wasn't getting my hopes up. But now that it was happening, I couldn't help the little thrill in my chest.
— Midterms, Day Two —
Ah. This is what Yeonhee taught me.
I worked through the problems one by one, just as I'd been taught. Same as the first day — nothing too far off from what we'd studied. The teachers had gone easy on us, sure, but the fact that Yeonhee had predicted it was impressive in its own right.
This one too. Yeonhee taught me this.
I'd started studying so late that I couldn't possibly know everything. But the parts Yeonhee had walked me through, I could solve properly.
This part too — Yeonhee taught me this.
This one too, Yeonhee...
This one too...
Han Juyeong didn't even realize his head had filled up entirely with Yeonhee. He just kept moving his pen.
— Midterms, Final Day —
The end-of-exam bell rang, and the pen in my hand dropped onto the desk as if it had been waiting for the cue.
Hah... that was rough.
I was still sitting there in the aftertaste of the exam I'd just finished when Yeonhee, who'd appeared beside me without my noticing, called my name.
"Juyeong, let's go compare answers."
"Can I rest for a bit first..."
But Yeonhee had no intention of leaving me alone. She took my arm and dragged me up to the teacher's desk.
"All right. Let's grade them one by one."
"...Okay."
We graded at a leisurely pace, and the results were more satisfying than anything I'd gotten before. After all this time of my effort going unrewarded, a different kind of result — I was genuinely happy.
Yeonhee, who'd finished grading first, looked over my exam paper and then apologized out of nowhere.
"I'm sorry... If I'd taught you better, you would've done even better..."
I was satisfied. Just how high were her standards? It wasn't as if I'd come out averaging a ninety or anything like that — but for a kid who'd given up on studying, scores like these were already a miracle. Yeonhee had taught me more than well enough. If anything, I had to wonder whether anyone could have taught me better. The scores came out this way because this was my limit.
I gave Yeonhee a flick on the forehead — a dose of medicine for that foolish thought. She let out a little ow, rubbed her forehead, and peeked up at me.
"Why are you blaming yourself?"
"But you worked so hard..."
"I'm genuinely happy with this. If anything, I'm grateful you got me this far."
"Really...?"
"Do I have to put it in writing before you'll believe me?"
"Mm, no."
Only after I went that far did a small smile find its way back to her face.
This was supposed to be someone else's business. We weren't supposed to be anything to each other. And yet the sadness she felt at not being able to do even one more thing for me — when she had already done more than enough — inverted itself, and reached me as nothing but a boundless warmth.
A heart warmer than the sunlight pouring down became a single shaft of light. It cut through the dark and set a frozen boy's heart racing.
All those feelings, stacked carefully one upon another, had given birth to something new.
With that pounding heart left unspoken, the long stretch of midterms finally drew to a close.