69. Pathetic Librarian Recommending Taekyo Books♥
"Ow, my head huuuurts... Got knuckle-flicked... How dare you knuckle-flick my head..."
The super pissed-off robot librarian glares daggers at me and Lion. She's barely holding back tears, eyes brimming like they're about to overflow any second. Her hands clutch her head, where a fist-sized lump sticks up like a whack-a-mole mole. I was tempted to test if smacking it with a mallet would rack up points, but if I hit her again, this pathetic robot might just burst into full-on sobs, so I held back.
"Heh♥ Loser, crying your eyes out over that? What a loser for bawling over just one knuckle-flick♥ I figured your head was the only pathetic part, but your tear glands are pathetic too♥ You should sell yourself to a scrap dealer and buy a toaster with the cash♥"
"Tch... That's not it! I didn't cry! What's in my eyes is just... asbestos from inside or whatever!"
Asbestos? Is that some new ramen flavor? Sounds tasty. The pathetic robot librarian's eyes bore into me fiercely. Whoa, even a pathetic robot librarian can make eyes like that? They're loaded with killer intent, like she's about to charge, chomp my earlobe, and rain knuckle-flicks on my head while cradling a rabbit in her gaze.
"Pfft! Even if you glare like that, one hit from Lion's North Korean Juche Nuclear Knuckle-Flick and you'll be squirting pathetic tear juice anyway♥ Doesn't scare me one bit♥ Go on, hit me♥ Hit me, you loser, hehehehe♥"
"Ugh... What if my genius brain gets damaged... My robot brain has a whopping 1 quadrillion bytes of capacity! That's twice the power of a calculator!"
I have no idea how big 1 quadrillion bytes is, but if this pathetic robot librarian's bragging about it, it must be a huge number, right? A brain that massive has to be insanely powerful and expensive. And Lion's North Korean Juche Nuclear Knuckle-Flick slammed right into her skull, so the damage must be catastrophic. That's what she gets for blabbing to me. This whole mess is her fault for her slip of the tongue.
The pathetic robot librarian told me to stuff more baby formula into our mom's baby formula dispenser. I was about to say I couldn't because I don't have a mom and thus no access to the baby formula stash, when super pissed Lion dropped a nuke knuckle-flick on the robot's head. She blabbed, so it's all on her—self-inflicted loser karma.
"But wait, you're not a real robot? Why do robots feel pain?"
"Sniff sniff, urk!"
The pathetic robot librarian wipes tears and snot on some tissue. A robot with tears and snot... Unlike ours, it was just clear water, but why the hell did her creator add that feature? Gotta be some hopeless super-perv who gets off on smacking a bratty big-headed mesugaki until she cries her eyes out. Eek...!
"Ahem, since it's come to this, let me introduce myself from the top, you losers. My name is Alphapago! I'm the state-of-the-art robot in charge of maintenance and management for all of Darknis facilities!"
Maintenance...? Oh no! Darknis elections are right around the corner—don't go dropping sensitive stuff like that!
"Hold up, Alphapago? Doesn't that make you AlphaPimeilgo's dad?"
Alphapago? At Lion's words, the pathetic robot librarian—no, pathetic Alphapago—lights up with smug pride. She thrusts her chin up, looking all high and mighty. The massive lump on her head makes it kinda funny, though.
"To be precise, our AlphaPimeilgo is the superior successor model to this brilliant Alphapago. She's the pinnacle creation, cherry-picking only the best data from my Alphapago core and Alma Mangko programs! Smart, cute, polite—what a perfect kid!"
AlphaPimeilgo, huh. I've heard of her. That android villain wandering global Go servers and online Go games, challenging everyone to games of dark Go. Countless humans got blinded by her massive 5,000 won prize, dove in cocky as hell, but obviously no pathetic human can beat a program like AlphaPimeilgo at Go—they got crushed. Amateurs, pros—even Go pros—lost and had their souls sealed into dark Go stones! Those stones get donated to the nearby Marine Corps for target practice, harvesting emotion energy forever from the losers doomed to eternal gunfire. Her performance stats are insane, from what I hear.
"And thanks to recognizing my program's excellence, I became the head of maintenance and management for Darknis facilities—plus vice-manager, assistant manager, intern, and agent all in one! I was in the lab before, but some researcher who saw how outstanding I was transferred me here!"
Hmm. Superior sequel to the original... Suddenly shipped from a good department to a dead-end one... And now guarding an empty counter alone... No matter how you slice it, she got kicked out...
"Impressive, right? This Alphapago's excellence! Amazing, huh! Now bow your heads in awe, losers♥"
But Alphapago looked so damn pleased, I didn't bother pointing it out. This kind, smart Tyranno can read a pathetic mesugaki loser's mood.
"So, this superior Alphapago will use her electronic brain to figure out why you two losers came to the library! Be grateful for the honor, losers♥"
"Outta nowhere like that?"
"Heh♥ Of course♥ You losers are just my boredom snacks♥ I've been standing here all day, and you're my first visitors♥ Feel the glory of being Alphapago's first chat buddies today, pfft♥"
...She's been at this counter all day and only met me and the pathetic cat? The library's clean and nice, sure, but it's no place for one person to hang solo all day. Spotless floors, flowing classical music, cute furniture—without people, it's pointless. Nah, worse—it's creepy and inhuman. They say overly clean places freak you out, right? Sympathy flickers in the pathetic cat's eyes.
"Fine, whatever... Not like we have anything urgent, so sure, hit us."
"Good thinking♥ Here's a gold star sticker for that♥ You get these every time you borrow a book—collect ten for a free extra one! Hold on, I'll crack the packaging real quick. You're not so impatient you can't wait, right, loser♥ Even if you want this Alphapago 'good job' sticker bad, just hold it together♥"
Alphapago pulls a cardboard box from under the counter. It's small enough for one hand, but covered in dust, with ancient tape barely holding together.
"Cough cough, this old thing's tape won't budge. Pathetic tape♥ Can't even stick to a pathetic box properly♥"
Stickers for every book borrow, and she's opening the packaging now? Uh...
"Gotta come to this library way more often..."
"Me too..."
No book-eating otters, but we've got a pathetic Alphapago. She finally rips it open, peels out a sticker, and slaps it on the pathetic cat's hand.
"Heh♥ Don't be jealous, loser♥ Work hard and you can earn one too♥ Though a loser like you might never manage it no matter how hard you try♥ So come every day, got it♥"
"Yeah..."
First time getting called a loser and not getting mad. Wild.
"Now, Alphapago's electronic brain big data program will recommend books you need! It's an analysis system built on ages of accumulated big data. You losers call it physiognomy."
"Big date program?"
New dating app?
"Big data, not date, loser♥ Pathetic♥ Can't even adapt to the cutting-edge third industrial revolution♥ Total life-fail dropout male♥"
"Oh! Big, big data! I know it! That's the thing, right? The... huge... data one... Fifth? Yeah, third industrial era's that too. Drink at first round, second round, then go there. I know all about it. How smart am I?"
"Wh-what... You're smarter than I thought?"
As if this Tyranno wouldn't know what a pathetic robot does!
"Anyway, loser, I'll draw your needed books from your physiognomy! Face scan!"
A lame electronic beep, and a beam shoots from Alphapago's eyes, sweeping my face. Hey, copyright! Scanning this Tyranno's face without permission is infringement, you know? What a naughty robot. Robots like this deserve the death penalty! Death penalty!
"Hmm, okay. Scan complete. Your physiognomy screams ppak-daegali type. First time I've seen one this extreme? Could slap it straight into a physiognomy textbook as a specimen."
Ooh, ppak-daegali type. English makes it sound pro and expert. So reading this'll tell me what Ppak-Daegali means... Whatever it is, since it's analyzing this Tyranno, it's gotta be something awesome, right?
"For a loser like you, I recommend this!"
Pathetic Alphapago scribbles on paper and hands it over.
"Lemme see... 'Find the Mistakes: Great for Toddler Emotional Development', 'ABC English Even Kindergarteners Can Learn', 'Mesugaki for Beginners: You Can Do It, Loser Loser Edition'...?"
These are all for total idiots and morons, right?
"Heh♥ Pathetic junk robot♥ Can't even recommend books right♥ Nothing better than a calculator♥ Gotta melt you down into a toaster♥"
I'll skip the find-the-mistakes one since I like it, but this Tyranno's English is flawless! adcb2fjgk... Z comes after that, yeah? And last time someone asked, "Tyranno exec, you know what comes after A-ball B-ball?" I nailed it with "C-ball!" But then Doctor overheard and dragged the question-asking pathetic villain off. Haven't seen 'em since—maybe moved? Hope they're doing well.
"Nope♥ Alphapago's physiognomy analysis is totally accurate♥ You're an English-illiterate moron big-headed loser mesugaki♥"
"I'll... add another lump on top of that lump?!"
"Hmph! Just wait! I'll prove how spot-on it is by analyzing the tall loser over there!"
"M-me? No, I'm fine."
Before the pathetic cat finishes, the same beep plays. A laser from Alphapago's eyes scans her whole body. She only did my face!
"Lemme see... Hmm, yep. Classic serial rapist face. Total succubus vibes."
Serial rapist... Damn, that's spot-on for this pathetic one...!
"There! For a loser like you, I recommend this!"
"Gimme!"
I snatch the paper. Hmph, a pathetic calculator analyzing my pathetic cat? I know her best. If anything weird or wrong pops up, I'll shred it and knuckle-flick her lumpy head silly.
"Whatcha got, pathetic cat? Let's see what pathetic books you scored."
This Tyranno got moron books, so what'll the pathetic cat get? Maybe taekyo books telling her to study in mom's belly again? Or analyzed as a 1-year-old baby, so how to raise a newborn?
"'Taekyo Methods to Raise Your Baby as a Mesugaki', 'Book for Moms Raising Newborns', and 'You Can Do It: Get Pregnant in One Shot with Kidnapping, Confinement, and Training!'? Pffft!"
What the—my guesses were spot-on♥
"Wha...? H-hold on, what's this? Why'd these come up?"
"Heh, pathetic cat♥ Pathetic Alphapago must think your peanut brain's smaller than a fetus in a womb♥ Analyzed as dumber than a newborn—what's that feel like, pathetic cat♥ This smart Tyranno wouldn't know♥ Spill it, pathetic cat♥"
Kidnapping confinement training... That's just the perverted pathetic cat's weird fetish, right?
"Wait, no, this is—hold on, uh, ah! Aah, suddenly remembered urgent business! W-we're heading deeper into the library! L-Let's go, Tyranno!"
Exposed as left-brain right-brain peanut intelligence, the pathetic cat blushes furiously, grabs my wrist, and drags me into the library depths.
"Pfft♥ Pathetic cat's brain must not be fully grown yet♥ Bald virgin brain with no fuzz♥ Pure innocent maiden brain♥"
"H-hey! Don't go! I-I still have tons to do, losers!"
Her pitiful cries chase us from behind.
"L-losers! I-I know fun stuff too, wanna see? How 'bout a card-from-mouth magic trick? D-don't wanna see? Is that it? O-okay, I'll wait here... C-come back later! Promise! You promised to come back!"
Ignoring the pathetic one's wails, we head deeper into the library.