70. Planting Fake Classified Documents
Pathetic Alphapago's pitiful cries keep echoing behind me. "Come back! Got it? You'll come again later, right? I'll wait! See you tomorrow! We have to meet tomorrow! You have to come!" Sigh, poor little loser. Staring at that counter all day without a single visitor. Good ol' Tyranno's gotta drop by often to play. Nah. Maybe I should revive this library myself? It's a lame library without any book-munching otters, but it has decent facilities. If I help out a bit, people will swarm like bees to honey.
I heard that in Switzerland's Hollywood, they press celebrities' faces into concrete to make handprints—or faceprints, I guess. Tourists flock to see those traces left by the stars. Even if the concrete hasn't fully dried, smashing your face into it... ouch, that hurts. But I get why losers would want to leave their mark in Sweden's Hollywood like that. Same idea—if I leave a trace saying Tyranno was here, won't people come rushing like they've hit the jackpot? Of course, I can't smash this Tyranno's face into concrete. Any scratch on my face would be a cosmic-level loss to the universe.
Anyway, where the hell is this pathetic cat taking me? It's been ten whole minutes since we left the counter and headed deep inside. We've walked and walked and walked, and all I see are bookshelves crammed with books and the occasional desk. That's it.
"Heh, loser♥ You're dragging me to some secluded spot♥ Your eyes look all shady, you perv loser♥ If I call the cops, losers like you get pineapple rice for a hundred years♥"
"Don't report me—just bear with it a little longer. We're almost there. For real."
Following the pathetic cat's lead, we keep venturing deeper into the library. For a place with zero people, it's ridiculously huge. No matter how much we walk, it never ends. It's like we're looping in the same space—the identical shelves and desks stretch on forever. Honestly, it's starting to get creepy. I feel like the protagonist in some Red Mask urban legend ghost story.
How much longer did we walk? More walking. Even when I asked the pathetic cat if we were close, she just teased me, repeating "Almost there, almost there." Darkness has no windows inside, obviously, and no clocks either, so I lost track of time. Can't I just check my phone? Oh. Right. Forgot about that.
"Loser, this walk is boring. Wanna do riddles?"
"You? Riddles? With me? Isn't our level gap too big?"
"Dumb loser♥ Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat♥ Chicken before the fight, total gross-out loser♥ Scared of someone as tiny as me♥ Adult disgrace♥ Surrender and seppuku♥"
I get where the pathetic cat's coming from, sorta. With her peanut-and-walnut brain, beating smart Tyranno at riddles is as impossible as rock beating scissors! Scissors beat rock, duh!
"Loser chickened out, so I win the riddle♥ Idiot loser♥ Crying your eyes out after losing a riddle to a way smaller kid♥ I'll spread it all over Darkness♥"
"Hey, wait—if that gets out, I'll be too embarrassed to show my face in Darkness! I have work to do, y'know! If that rumor spreads, everyone'll think I'm a total moron knucklehead! Let's do riddles! Riddles it is!"
"Nope, not doing it~♥ What'cha gonna riddle, can't riddle♥ Riddle forfeit♥ You lost to me♥ Pathetic peanut capacity♥ You're total riddle trash♥ I don't listen to total trash losers♥"
After roasting the loser good, we finally reached the end of the library.
"Huh? We just now got here? Lame library♥ As narrow as the pathetic cat's patience♥ Useless dump♥ Gotta turn it into a book-munching otter coop right now♥"
Otter coop? Not a chicken coop since otters live there? Anyway, the end was totally ordinary. Too ordinary. Just a wall and one big bookshelf at the corridor's end. Nothing else. After making this Tyranno walk this far, at least give me a 40-stage transforming mecha Tyrannosaurus robot with reinforced exosuit and 155mm Vulcan cannon to knuckle-flick a billion mesugaki chickens. No manners—just a bookshelf?
Okay, it's fancier than the others—antique design, shiny wood grain, better materials. But that's it?
...Hah! I got it. This genius mesugaki Tyranno's Tyrannosaurus brain cracked the bookshelf's secret! Not bad. Not a billion mesugaki chicken knuckle-flicks, but it's got style.
"Pathetic cat. This is what I think it is, right? It is that, yeah?"
"What? This bookshelf?"
"Y'know, the one where you pull a specific book from the packed shelf, and it goes whirr-click-clack, the shelf moves like a door! That one!"
Seen it tons in spy movies. Leads to a secret base with secret agents yelling "Go, secret agent! Secret secret!" They compile secret intel, files, top secrets, rumors, info into secret analyses from the secret agency, planning secret ops in a national secret base! Ugh... secret Gestapo is coming...
But a lame library knows romance?
"I can guess what you're imagining, but no, it's not that."
"Huh? It's not?"
"This is just a bookshelf for classified files. It has security for protection, but no secret passage."
No way... no awesome secret passage...
"Sigh, total letdown... When will this lame library stop disappointing me? Lame library♥ Disappointment incarnate♥ Failure life that disappoints everyone♥ Gotta smash it like Quiche-Quiche♥"
I stomped hard on the lame library in frustration. Should've known from the entrance with pathetic Alphapago there. Secret passages need a secret agent disguised as a normal counter jockey. Alphapago? No way. If that was acting, it'd be in Denmark Hollywood pressing faceprints in concrete, not here.
"Tyranno, how could you not know this? Anyone else maybe, but you have to know."
"Me? Why should I know about some lame bookshelf? This Tyranno's head is too full— no room for lame shelves."
Stuff like saying "loser" eleven times a second. Breathing methods. Or a dictionary of taunt words for roasting losers. My head's packed—no space left.
The pathetic cat points at the bookshelf. "Know what this is?"
"Duh. You just said—lame classified docs shelf with no secret passage."
"Right. This holds Darkness's classified files. We're allowed this close 'cause we're authorized. Anyone else? They'd loop forever and end up in a convent of pervert fetish cult monmus nuns getting squeak-squeak confessions and rub-rub baptisms."
Pervert fetish cult monmus nuns' squeak-squeak confessions...! Scary!
"But what does that have to do with me?"
"What did I say? Classified files. Even with ironclad security, someone manages them, right? Gotta handle issues, take responsibility."
"Manager? No way..."
The pathetic cat doesn't answer—instead, she runs her finger along the corner of the classified shelf.
"Phew. So neglected, dust everywhere."
Where her finger passed: "Manager - Tyranno" engraved in six letters.
I thought coming to Darkness meant lounging forever. "...Do classified files really need managing? Obsessing over not losing them is just a stereotype, right? Doesn't Darkness need someone to shatter stereotypes?"
That someone's me! I don't wanna work! Tyranno no-work!
"Yeah, yeah. Didn't expect diligence from you. Doctor automated most of it anyway—no real need. But know your duties, basics. You're an exec, sorta? If something blows up—or audit comes—you gotta know what's what."
"Eek... but I don't wanna work. Darkness ran fine without me doing much. This Tyranno saves energy for important stuff by skipping work!"
"Like what."
"Uh... w-world peace? Gear issues? Stuff like that! Too advanced for pathetic cat to get even if I explained."
"Sure. Still, commit it to memory. HQ's atmosphere is off lately."
"HQ? Why?"
For forgetful folks: Darkness isn't just us. Fairy Country—dimension from Earth's life energy—hosts HQ, topped by great Stalinna, Grand Secretary-General Supreme Leader Marshal Comrade. Wait, she added a title recently? Great Leader Stalinna now? Below her: research, audit orgs, whatever. Then country branches. We're Korea branch. Branches handle monthly quotas autonomously, but bad HQ vibes could splash on us.
"Some incident?"
"Don't ask. Someone topped Stalinna's pizza with pineapple—assassination attempt."
Eeee... Pineapple pizza assassination. That deadly poison melts your nine orifices, guts dissolving in agony...
"Caused total chaos. From assassination to corruption, half-peasant spies, hidden NTR freaks, unlicensed terrorists. Purges on purges—tons ts'd, shipped to Darkness Siberia's succubus juicer factory for 40 years of squelch-squelch punishment."
Eeee... Monmus juicer factory...! Where inmates get fatty diets, workouts, then 52 hours weekly juicing... Everyone's pelvis crushes within 100 years, dying softly in bed with family watching... Terrifying!
"Doctor's handling it, but audits could come anytime. She won't say, but we need results. Pump up performance now to skate by. Don't wanna go to Siberia succubus juicer factory, right?"
Of course not. 24/7 succubus-monitored life of yummy food, exercise, mindless juicing. Plus, succubi are all tanned big-tit blondes? Free romance allowed. Fall for one, overjuice past 52 hours. Get pregnant? Spend life breeding soccer teams, cozy till death.
Eeeee...! Doctor's a saint. Running Korea branch smoothly despite everything. Goddess of loopholes. Doctor is god!
"That's why we're here. Need results—use this to catch spies."
"This? How?"
"Simple. Pull key files, plant fakes, set hidden cams. Disable security. Spy steals 'em? Wait till they hand to Magical Girl Association, nab 'em."
Hmm. If it works: fake intel to Association, catch spy. Two birds, one stone. No albatross, no ditch collapse. Perfect plan? But pathetic cat's peanut brain means a huge flaw.
"Heh, dumb pathetic cat♥ Sudden security drop? Spy'll suspect♥ Won't touch it♥ Can't even think of that, huh? Pathetic cat's peanut brain total trash♥ Fry it up for squirrels♥"
Stunned by my sharp, smart point? Pathetic cat's face changes.
"...Whoa. Didn't expect you to catch that. Thought you'd just swap blindly."
"Whaaat~♥ King loser who can't even riddle me♥ This Tyranno's always perfect♥"
"Hey, rematch! Riddles again!"
"Pfft♥ Can't answer so desperately changing subject♥ So lame it's cute♥ Pathetic cat total lame and pathetic♥"
"Tch. Shouldn't have refused that riddle... Anyway, spy's 100% coming tonight. Just one thing: Tyranno, you wander Darkness holding a few files."
"That's it?"
"...Duh, if knucklehead mesugaki shows, they'll assume security's off. Like Doctor's central lab."
"Hmm..."
Assume idiot forgot to reset security after disabling. Not bad. Plausible, even. Darkness is full of morons. Minus genius Tyranno, every last one's idiot trash anemone losers!
But one more thing.
"So who’s the pathetic, lame, ultimate moron mesugaki who dropped central lab security to minimum?"
No clue.
"Not me, obviously. Alphapago? Even for you, pathetic cat, using that poor loser as bait is..."
"...Ah, shut up."