Chapter 68
There was this minor assault where the book-eating otter, the loser robot librarian, and the loser cat were licking all over this Tyranno-sama's mini-Tyranno, but I held out. It felt good, sure, but that was it. Not good enough to make baby-seed go spurt spurt, so the loser Lion's true colors are out for everyone to see. If anything, it was frustrating. The loser cat's technique was just too pathetic. It was this dull, pleasant buzz that never ramped up enough to push me over the edge—leaving me feeling good but kinda uncomfortable, just dragging on like that. Maybe the loser cat's goal was to tease me like this... Nah, no way. Probably not. I'll just say this Tyranno-sama is so superior that I endured her all-out assault.
So what am I doing right now? Heading to this place called the library with the loser cat.
"Who knew Darkness had a library? I seriously never imagined this."
Libraries are those things, right? You know. A huge room stuffed full of books. Plagiarizing Namuwiki or whatever—a massive room piled high with books, that's it, yeah?
"What? Tyranno, you've never been to a library? Not even once? We've passed by a few on our way together."
"Oh, that thing next to the Doctor's Wing Chicken machine research lab? The one crammed with books? That's the library?"
It's not even far from where I live. Closer than I thought.
"Duh, if it's got shelves packed with books, it's a library. What else did you think it was? A bookstore?"
"I figured it was a barn for raising book-eating otters."
No wonder I kept lurking around there wanting to catch a glimpse of that otter face, but never saw hide nor hair. I thought it was super shy, but nope—it just doesn't live there. Isn't it common sense? When a place is stuffed with books, you think, "Aha, a barn for book-eating otters!" What's the point of stacking books all the way to the ceiling otherwise?
"What, book-eating otters?"
"Yeah. You don't know book-eating otters? They're super famous."
Everyone knows about book-eating otters, right? Lately, they've gotten sick of books and started chowing down on web novels too. They painstakingly transcribe every character into text files, print 'em out, sprinkle on tons of salt and pepper, and devour them. Loves ts, female corruption, grimdark, gender-reversal wrapped in ssamjang like a wrap, but hates NTR.
"No way the loser cat doesn't know what a book-eating otter is? Ehehe♥ The loser cat doesn't know book-eating otters♥ Totally uncultured♥ Total blockhead loser♥ Pfft pfft♥ Why don'tcha read some books, you idiot moron♥ Sorry your peanut-sized loser brain has to carry you through life♥"
"Who's calling who a blockhead...!"
Does getting teased as a moron by me hurt that bad? In front of this Tyranno-sama with right-brain IQ 90, left-brain IQ 90, total 9090 IQ, everyone's just idiot morons, empty-headed sea cucumbers, and sea slugs. This isn't teasing—it's straight facts.
"The loser cat's so ignorant she can't even handle it and gets mad too♥ Such a short-tempered loser cat♥ That's why she's a lifelong solo, perpetual virgin♥ Can't even be patient, so why hasn't she cleared the cobwebs off her baby-factory raw materials storage entrance♥ You Spider-Woman or something♥"
I spot the loser cat clenching her fists. Push a little more and she'll knuckle-flick me. Time to shut up.
"I never thought I'd hear you call me a blockhead. And book-eating otters? That's just fairy tale stuff. How could an otter eat books in the real world?"
"Book-eating otters are fairy tales? Sure, sure, of course they are♥ Only in a loser's imagination♥"
In the loser cat's imagination, otters can't eat books, penguins can't fly, polar bears live in the Arctic, stuff like that. Isn't it obvious common sense that otters eat books, penguins fly, and polar bears live in the Antarctic?
We bicker about whether book-eating otters are real until we arrive at the book-eating otter buffet—no, the library.
I push open the spotless glass door with no fingerprints and step inside. The library's quiet and serene. Towering shelves reaching the ceiling, packed tight with books of every color. Gentle classical music flows like a stream, wrapping around the interior. The decor uses natural wood and marble for an elegant old-European vibe, filled with the scent of aged books and faint flowers.
"Not bad for a barn without book-eating otters. A bit lacking for this Tyranno-sama to hang out in, but tolerable. Kinda weird there's not a single person, but maybe it's not prime reading time. Darkness's loser villains might have such pathetic brains they can't even read. Hmph, poor losers. Maybe later I'll read them my favorite 'Spot the Difference for Kindergarteners'?"
"Tyranno, you've really never been here? You insisted book-eating otters lived inside, but never came in?"
"Obviously. Reading books is for loser idiots and empty-headed fools. This smart Tyranno-sama has all knowledge already in his head, so no need for books."
Ever seen a tiger practicing ironing? A fish drilling push-ups? A hippo training to open its mouth wider? No animal wastes time honing natural talents. This Tyranno-sama was born with superior brains, so no need to study with books!
"Even if there were otters, barging into someone else's house is something only pathetic losers do."
We head deeper in and spot a small counter. A wooden counter made of macaroni wood—no, mahogany—with someone sitting there.
"Wait, not a person. Is that a robot?"
Up close, yeah, it's a robot. From afar I didn't notice, but it's got two springy antennas coiled like corkscrews on its head. White T-shirt says "I am a robot," so yep.
"Hmm, but the face looks weirdly familiar."
"Pfft♥ Is the loser cat hitting on it? Eww, gross♥ Not even a real guy you've never made eye contact with, you solo virgin otaku hikikomori trying to flirt♥ Who flirts like that these days♥ At least say 'Haven't we met somewhere before?'♥"
"I'm not flirting. Flirting? Please. But Tyranno, doesn't it look kinda like you?"
"Like me?"
Even from afar, you can tell the robot's pretty cute-faced. Round cheeks, cute buck teeth peeking out, big eyes, hair you wanna ruffle like crazy, lips that look ready to say "loser♥ loser♥." The dazed expression sitting at the counter is adorable and pint-sized. Male, but looks young and underage, super small and tiny. Barely any meat on those bones guarding the counter—it gives off kid-visiting-dad's-shop vibes.
"Ehehe♥ Now the loser cat's eyes are loser too♥ Loser eyesight totally loser♥ Gonna get public service vision grade 4♥ Scrub those eyes and look properly. I'm way, way way cuter. Above all, hair color's totally different. Mine's silver, that one's black like it got dyed. Eyes are same blue as mine, but coincidence. Aside from the dark black hair like it was dyed, it looks just like me pulled from a mold, but probably coincidence?"
Thinking such trivial thoughts, I approach the counter. As I get close, a "beep-beep—" electronic tone rings from the robot librarian.
"Ehehe♥ Open my eyes and loser pervs are in front of me♥ Planning something naughty while I was in sleep mode♥ Lewd pervs♥ Gross♥"
That's the robot librarian's first words.
"Ah... even here... Should've never come. My head..."
Lion clutches her head like the world's ending.
"What the hell is this loser? Hey! You made our loser cat's head hurt! Only I get to go 'ow ow ow' on the loser cat's head!"
"Tyranno, you went that far for me..."
"Fine, even if I give you a hundred concessions, making the loser cat's head hurt is whatever. Honestly, don't care. Hurt or not, she'll Titanic it and handle herself. But daring to call me a loser? To this Tyranno-sama?"
This I cannot tolerate. It's as humiliating as King Jumong of Silla bowing nine times to Roman Emperor Robert Downey Jr.! Shoulder-arm-lock then "Tyranno-Rage Uhyo Uhyo Gorilla Knuckle-Flick" smashing the crown? That terrifying technique might make this loser robot librarian bawl, short-circuit with tears in the wires, spark, explode—boom, loser bomb head? But I hold back. Resorting to violence over a little verbal jab is for idiot losers. Still, can't just take it lying down from this loser librarian. Two suns can hang in the sky, but never two mesugaki. I slam the counter with authority. BAM!
"Hey! Who the hell are you!"
I unleash the scariest voice and scariest point in the world!
"Loser's yelling at me♥ Yelling's totally loser too♥ Just quack quack screaming, so what♥ Thinks he's a duck♥ Duck quack quack♥ Duck quack quack♥ Loser's baby goo goo♥ Loser's baby goo goo♥"
Ugh... this...!
"No! I'm not a loser! I'm totally the best! You're the king loser! Super duper loser!"
"Yeah, reflect♥ Now you're the loser♥"
"Reflect on me too!"
"Rainbow reflect♥"
"Rainbow on me too—"
"Whoever says rainbow reflect is the loser♥"
"That's not how it works! Reflect reflect! King reflect! Rainbow reflect! Black hole reflect! I said reflect first, so yours is invalid!"
"...Pfft!"
"This! Hey, what are you! You just admitted you're a loser so smoothly?"
Aaaargh, so annoying! Who the hell is it! The damn loser who made a robot looking just like me and injected mesugaki personality! Getting mes'd by the world's top blockhead mesugaki pisses me off too much. "Tyranno-Rage Uhyo Uhyo Gorilla Knuckle-Flick" might be too much, but "Tyranno-Rage Woodpecker Peck Peck Peck Knuckle-Flick" should be fine?
"Endure it, Tyranno! Just endure! Why fight over something like this!"
The loser cat shoves hands under my armpits and hoists me up. My waist stretches long like a cat's, shoulders pop up. Legs dangling off the ground, I kick wildly but still can't reach.
"Put me down, Lion! I gotta show this loser who's boss! Know who I am! I'm a freaking executive! This loser library's getting shut down! And this loser robot? I'm turning it into a toaster!"
"Pfft! Total loser♥ This isn't even a proper argument♥ Would win better against kindergarteners♥ Born loser♥ Go suckle more mommy milk♥ This body's total★big☆win♥"
Mommy? Our mom?
"I don't have a mom."
".......Huh?"