64. Caught you, bastard!
I'm in the biggest crisis of my life right now.
Even worse than when I was pinned under Chae Sua's ass and creampied like crazy. Or when I got betrayed by Lion, whom I trusted, and she fucked my ass so hard it hurt like hell. Or when Chae Sua tricked me with the hypnosis app and creampied me... or when Lion jumped me while drunk...
"Huh...? What if these two just disappeared? Wouldn't my life be smooth sailing?"
No more kidnappings, no more falling for hypnosis apps, no more getting creampied by merciless muscular pussies. Looking back, every single one of the worst moments in my life had either Lion or Chae Sua involved.
Well, Lion's sweet... and my loyal loser cat subordinate, so I'll keep her around... And Chae Sua... I wouldn't mind never seeing her again, but I've got this photo now, so I have to keep crossing paths with her for revenge...
"Eh, whatever. That's not important right now."
I'll think about that later. Anyway, right now, I'm facing a trial that's incomparably more horrific and hateful than getting jumped by those two. This is the most terrifying ordeal of my life, one that only the toughest-minded human could survive unscathed. It's as frightening as humanity's darkest horrors—on par with listening to a ugly, fat mesugaki auntie's medley.
"Meat... mint... pie..."
She's pretending not to care, but the Doctor's just as bothered as her flabby, overflowing tits and ass. This pie, steaming golden-brown, is something I bought for 50,000 won from that poor kid whose mom needs surgery money. It's a monstrous food with tangy mint-green dough stuffed with tangy mint-green ground beef.
"Mint? The best thing in the world. Meat pie? Obviously delicious. But why combine mint and meat pie? Did they think mixing two tasty things would make it twice as good? What a loser idea."
Still, I can't just throw away food, right? Wasting food pollutes the environment and hurts the Earth.
"Umm... bon appétit...?"
I sliced into the meat mint pie with a knife. The cross-section of the pie—ground beef mixed with red wine, gravy sauce, and cheese—was a perfect mint green like it'd been doused in food coloring, and mint-green steam oozed out along with mint-green juices.
"Aaaah..."
I scooped a bit with my fork and was about to put it in my mouth when someone grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"T-Tyranno-sama... y-you can't... eat that..."
It was Hypnosis Aunt, the one who made my little devil costume! This creepy, busty, thicc loser aunt is the sole costume expert in Darkness's costume production and management department. I even borrowed the little devil costume from her last time.
"Who asked you, you salted bitch?!"
"Th-that... um... you bought it from... the pineapple specialty shop, right?"
"How'd you know? Stalking this Tyranno, you loser? Puhpuph♥ Totally creepy, loser♥"
"S-stalking? Don't say such absurd things... Th-that's the only place that sells weird food like that."
True. If there were two shops selling brain-melting crap like this, we'd rename Darkness to Hell.
"B-but... you're really gonna eat that?"
"Duh, I bought it to eat. You think I got it to torture some evil magical girl?"
"Y-you know exactly. A-as expected of Tyranno-sama."
Huh...?
"A-as Tyranno-sama knows... the food from there... is mainly used to torture evil loser magical girls... Losers just smell the pineapple and start bawling, spilling all their secrets... If they endure it, we slice their fingertips with super-sharp paper... No one keeps secrets from Darkness."
Eeeeek...! Torturing with forced pineapple pizza. Chills ran down my spine at Darkness's brutality. Even with my superior mental fortitude, this is tough—but if a loser magical girl saw this meat mint pie, she'd sob and confess everything in her computer's cuckoo-straight-baldy folder.
"B-but someone as smart as Tyranno-sama knows the horror of this food... so surely even you wouldn't eat it..."
Uh... does that mean I'm not smart if I eat it? I don't wanna not be smart! Tyranno's gonna be smart!
"Hmph! Obviously not, you loser. As if this Tyranno would eat loser food like this?"
I secretly set down the fork and shoved the mint meat pie away when Hypnosis Aunt wasn't looking. Phew. Almost ate that loser pie because of her. Lucky escape.
"Heh... hehehe... Of course. I made a foolish mistake. B-but if you're not eating it, why'd you open it at the restaurant?"
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously—maybe I'm imagining it. If I can't explain why I opened it here, she'll figure out I was gonna eat it. Then this loser Hypnosis Aunt will think I'm a dumb idiot! No way! Tyranno's smart! I don't wanna look dumb to a loser aunt. That'd make me look like a total blockhead mesugaki.
Think, Tyranno. Use that IP 211.36 brainpower. Aha! Got a great idea!
"Fuhuhuhuhu... It's all part of this Tyranno's scheme."
"Sch-scheme? My loser brain can't even imagine Tyranno-sama's great, genius scheme... C-could you tell me what it is?"
Hypnosis Aunt rubbed her hands together pleadingly. What's with this loser...? I just noticed something off about her. Rubbing her hands, flattering me, calling me smart and great Tyranno-sama, watching my reactions, praising me as the cute, lovable mesugaki Tyranno—giving me all the good words... Just like a spy cozying up to a kidnap target... Aha! I get it! She's not a spy—she's my fan! A mega-fan, no, ultra-mega-fan!
Makes sense. I'd wondered why no fans in Darkness. How could there be no mega-fans for cute, lovable Tyranno-sama? Everyone just says stuff like "wanna knuckle-flick that mesugaki," or "uwahhhwww mesugaki dog's turning me onwwww what about my dripping pussy www," or "wanna beat a mesugaki half to death in mounting position then fuck it." Btw, the last two guys who said that vanished. Wonder who did it?
Anyway, everyone just trash-talks me. But now I meet my ultra-mega-fan! What a happy day!
"Heehee. I'll tell my ultra-mega-fan loser specially!"
"Ultra-fan...?"
"The reason I opened this magical girl torture mint meat pie at the restaurant... is to blackmail the evil spy!"
"Ughk, puhf, *cough cough*!"
Suddenly, Hypnosis Aunt choked violently like something went down wrong. Eek! Is it that loser cold going around Earth? But a Darkness villain wouldn't catch a loser human cold. Probably just choked.
"Heh, loser♥ Swallowed wrong♥ Can't even swallow spit right, loser♥ Useless as a baby♥ I should fire this loser and pick up a stray dog to handle costumes♥"
"*Cough*... *cough*... Khm. *cough*. Why... do you think there's a spy...?"
Uh... even I don't really know if there's a spy... But there probably is one if I look hard enough, right?
"Hmph. Loser magical girl thinking's obvious. They probably snuck a spy into Darkness super secretly. In some unpredictable, wild way no one'd expect. Like, someone so pervy you'd never think spy?"
I heard the Japanese branch next door had a magical girl called Daimain infiltrate like that.
"Uh... r-really...?"
"Hid long enough to fool smart Doctor and earn trust. Then kidnaps someone important!"
Like my ultra-mega-fan costume expert Hypnosis Aunt, or my loser cat, or loser Doctor.
"How'd you figure that out...! Ahem, how'd you uncover such important info...?"
Hypnosis Aunt snapped like it was her business. Wow! True ultra-mega-fan! If I told Lion, she'd say "Don't talk ghost crap and go to sleep." But my fan listens to my theories!
"Sadly, that's a secret♥ Only Tyranno-sama (No.1 S-rank pretty boy in the branch, not a virgin) knows♥"
"Khm... I see... S-so you put the mint meat pie out at the restaurant to..."
"I know the loser spy's identity, and I can tie 'em up and force-feed this horror anytime—so behave!"
"Y-you know who the spy is...?"
Hypnosis Aunt visibly panicked.
"Duh! Nothing escapes this Tyranno! Who the loser spy is, their goal, why they're doing it—I know it all!"
I puffed my chest, arms on hips, head tilted at the coolest angle. Truth is, I don't know the spy's identity, goal, reason—or even if one exists. But her reaction was so good, I kept spouting plausible BS.
"Heh... heeeh... I see... S-so the branch manager knows too...?"
Branch manager...? Oh right, losers call Doctor that. Can't drag her into my made-up story...
"Doctor? She knows zilch. Loser Doctor's clueless. Only the smartest in Darkness, this Tyranno-sama, knows!"
"I... see... That's how it is... Doctor doesn't know... Lion doesn't know... Only Tyranno..."
I didn't catch the loser's mutter. But she kept asking, so I spilled... Wait, this is all made-up? Fake facts? So... a lie? And lies are bad...
Eeeeek... Did Tyranno do something bad...? Is Tyranno a bad boy?
"Eeeeeek...! Lion! Lion! Big trouble!"
Shocked at becoming a bad boy, I bolted out of the restaurant to find Lion.
I didn't hear Hypnosis Aunt muttering, 'Fucked up, totally busted...'